Once you come to terms (as best you can) with the narcissistic parent in your life, you begin to examine the other relationships in your life. With a more critical eye. If you've been trained to meet the needs of a self-centered parent, chances are, you have at least one other narcissist in your life. If you're lucky, your past life. Maybe an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend. Ex-husband?
Over the last week, I've realized that a friend I made seven years ago is very self-centered. She does most of the talking. I listen. I offer endless empathy and support. She hops from one drama to another. What she does offer is intelligent conversation and occasional support. But this relationship is way, way out of balance.
I'm struggling with how sad and pathetic this is. That this kind of one-sided relationship seemed so normal. Now it just feels so wrong.
5 comments:
I added this to my links, it's good to read about now and then. Both my parents show signs of having NPD, especially my mother.
My father tries to fight it more than her, she doesn't seem aware that she has it.
I have found it easiest to just have very minimal contact with them, basically, almost no contact.
Nina,
You're so dead on here.
My therapist said that anyone who had the kind of childhood I had, who had to tolerate one's mother being nominally (but not actually) there for me, was "particularly likely to have had a long go of it with an alcoholic".
I had a 11-year marriage to a very sweet, smart guy who nonetheless was just never there for me. Alcoholics can't do that kind of thing, try as they might.
It wasn't until I left that marriage, was on my own for a bit, and then found wonderful, healthy new support from the man who became my second husband that I was ready to even look at the mess that was my relationship with my mother. Actually, having real support was so bizarre to me that, even after five years, it still seems "brand new" to me.
KimKim,
I wonder if narcissism isn't like dementia in that if a person has no awareness of a problem, then it's a problem. If a person is aware they have self-centered tendencies, it's like a person who KNOWS they lost their keys and are just experiencing regular aging (or whatever. Just FYI, when I asked my therapist whose an expert on narcissism how most of his clients deals with their n-parents, he said the healthy ones either have very limited contact and the healthiest ones severed contact. So many of the books I've read talk about emotionally detaching as a solution, but he said that often is not enough.
ELISE: I guess he said that because alcholics are also emotionally unavailable...but people like you probably wouldn't get involved with a traditional narcissist? That's really interesting. And what you said about "real support" hit home. I think it's very hard after GIVING, we are almost uncomfortable with RECEIVING. Our training to provide comfort/support/attention is sooo ingrained that it seems almost wrong to express our needs. I'm really glad to hear that you met such a lovely guy, because you DESERVE that!
Nina,
My therapist didn't rule out that I could have become involved with another N...but I happened to find an alcoholic instead. Reading what I have about people who get married to Ns, I got off easy. I got very little from my ex-husband, but he didn't chip way at me, either, as an N would have.
Yeah, my hubby's pretty wonderful! We just had our first anniversary in November and are enjoying being real family to each other. His childhood was pretty terrible, and his first marriage was also marked by substance abuse in his spouse...so just getting out from all of that stuff feels pretty miraculously great!
Father is a narcissist, at least one of my friend's over the years has been. My first major relationship/ex-wife was definitely a narcissist.
My father was more monologue/look-at-me narcissist and my ex was manipulative, gaslighting, mean, two faced narcissist so they looked very different to me at the time.
My current wife (of 10 years) is a sweetie.
Nik.
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