Consider this a cautionary tale for those of you considering taking care of your aging narcissistic parent.
By care I mean taking responsibility in some significant way. This could mean personal caretaking or managing the care of your elderly narcissistic parent.
You may have no other choice, due to finances or other family dynamics.
You may decide it's your moral duty to do so, like me.
Beware of the Groundhog Day Effect. It's nearly impossible to avoid.
Remember that movie with Bill Murray about the weatherman who finds himself repeating the same day over and over again, the day that he was forced to cover the much hated assignment of the stupid yearly Groundhog Day event?
Well, taking care of your impossibly difficult aging narcissist may mean that you'll find yourself living the same day over and over again...some event in your past...triggered by something your aging narcissist says or does.
Confused? Here's how it "works" for me.
My personal Groundhog Day is set in 1983. Since my adoptive mother cut me off emotionally and financially when I went to college (having betrayed her by leaving home to go to school 400 miles away), I had to pay for all my college expenses. This meant working nearly full-time while carrying a full load of classes.
Once, between jobs, I found myself so short of money that I didn't have enough to eat. Desperate, I called my adoptive father for a loan of $50-75, which I promised to pay back. He never sent it. He never called to say it wasn't coming. He just left me hanging. He avoided my phone calls. Later, he said my adoptive mother had threatened to divorce him if he sent the money. He held the checkbook and could have done so secretly...or sent cash which she couldn't track. Since he's a big liar, I'm not even sure if this is the truth. The fact is, he failed to help the one time I asked.
Fast forward 25 years.
Once a week, I get a phone call from the same man asking for chocolate covered raisins. Which I send promptly. If he doesn't get them in 2-3 days, he begins calling at all hours. He demands to know what the hell happened because he's waiting. He says he needs them. Desperately. He can't live without his fucking chocolate covered raisins.
See how this works?
He wants his candy...which I faithfully provide...when he couldn't even loan me, his only child, a lousy $50 bucks because I was hungry. For food. So everytime he calls asking for the candy, it's Groundhog Day! I go right back to 1983 and recall how he let me down. Over and over again.
I'm just warning you, that's all. About the sheer perversity of some risks associated with caring for an aging narcissistic parent. Beware the Groundhog Day Effect.
6 comments:
Yeah, I know that BS game.
I got groceries and they claimed me on their taxes for years so I got no aid, they gave me no money, and I was regularly locked outside if I came home and they weren't there....that was when I was a teen and lived there.
I want to say :Fuck him. I wouldn't get his fucking chocolate, it's hardly necessary---
I'd say no.
I am so fucking mad reading this.
Why are these stories so familiar?
I was also basically locked out all summer when I was a child.
My mother actually accused my fathe of being a pedophile ( he was not, an enabler to her,but no sexual abuse at all) I left home and was blamed for getting mad she made this acusation.Of course,part of it was I was seducing him....I want to vomit.
HWS,
By the way, I've heard other people talk about getting locked out when they were teens...often for the silliest of reasons. I wonder if it has to do with all that "not under my roof" authoritarian style of parenting/very controlling. Often,the so-called offenses were silly things, like not cleaning a room. It's an awful message to give a teen. That they're not welcome and the welcome is conditional...and that you can be thrown out at any time.
I'm sorry that happened to you.
I buy my father the fucking candy because it's one of the last few joys in his life as he's losing the ability to walk, is incontinent, and so on...so I figure he's suffering enough and since I signed up to take responsibility, well, it's just one of the things I do. If I refuse, I'd feel even shittier than actually NOT sending the candy.
Although he JUST called demanding to know why I got a new brand and to tell me that he was very disappointed and I was not very nice about it and got off the phone as soon as I could.
ps
I was lockedout just because...
I was never given a key.
hws...
okay, that's bad. you weren't even given a key!!!
Oh- I wanted to say I understand respect and what you are doing- It's just , well you know.
Thank you, HWS...
And I totally get how all this nonsense looks to an outsider! Even one who understands narcissism.
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