Although I try to keep my phone conversations with my elderly narcissistic father brief, by the end of the week I can hardly bring myself to call and check in. By Friday, I'm in desperate need of a break.
Every single conversation, somehow, is negative.
Today, he complained about a fellow resident whom he called old and ugly with a big parrot nose and wrinkles. Apparently, he finds her looks personally offensive.
Yesterday, he complained about one of the nurses who has a high voice, like a little girl. He asked her why she couldn't, "talk like a woman for God's sake!" He finds her voice personally offensive.
If it's not one thing it's another. Every day brings another complaint or tirade or drama. This isn't age related. He was always like this. And try as you might to insulate yourself, cumulatively, it ends up dragging you down. All that relentless negativity.
However, because we don't talk for all that long, I tend to minimize the impact of our talks. Surely, I tell myself, you can spare a lousy couple minutes a day talking with a poor, old lonely man without falling apart. Buck up baby, I tell myself. It's not like you visit him in person all that often or spend hours on the phone with him. It's just five minutes a day. And it's not like I have to exert myself. He does all the talking. All I have to do is dial and listen. Still, I dread calling him and have to remind myself, quite sternly sometimes that he may be a narcissist, but he is a human being and all humans need contact. So it's the least I can do as his only child. Buck up and chat for a bit. Sheesh. No biggie.
So I was explaining all this to my therapist. How guilty I felt when I took a night off calling. He is, after all, alone in the world. No friends or other family. If I don't call him, no one else will. He has no contact with anybody outside of the assisted living facility. How pathetic is that?
Much to my surprise, the therapist called this a Very Heavy Burden. That I should give myself not only a day off, but a week off, maybe longer. She called contact with him "toxic" and that I was, in effect, slowly being poisoned. Or something like that. I was so grateful to be told that I wasn't a selfish monster that I felt like bursting into tears with relief. My therapist told me this more than six months ago and I'm still calling my father almost every day. Now my rationale is that his health is rapidly failing and he's not going to be around forever, so I oughta call. And I do. And feel awful afterward. Is it the martyr in me? I suspect it's Guilt. It's probably also co-narcissism. How I've adapted and how I enable him or something horrible like that.
As always, I'd LOVE to hear from you.
And by the way, I'm not looking so much for validation or support for my situation, but rather to hear about YOUR experience with your narcissistic parent and how you may have adapted or enabled and, hopefully, dealt with the challenges that you've faced.
26 comments:
I was just reading that co-narcissism stuff- my opinion BS.
I started to feel like crap....my God- I am one of them...no, big clue we fear it.
I do not call mine,I used to...no more.I just stopped. I can't. To do so is like putting salt in my wound. I willspeak on rare occasion tothe, have my kids call ( they want to) and will allow them to stay in home for a week twice a year.
I think I deserve a medal. To make overtures to someone who was supposed to care for and love you first and foremost, but never did...your therapist is right.
They posion us.
And my parent'stxt set me up to be used, something that has happened to me over and over. So now close to 40, well I have called a moratorium on neglect. You can't freaking love me, your daughter, screw off.
Thanks for the chance to vent. You are better daughter than me.
HWS
I have not had any contact with my father for 10 years, and have limited my contact with my mother to email for the past year. I am in a holding pattern with her, still trying to figure out if I can form a manageable relationship with her. Last year at this time she was calling me 8 or 10 times a day when she was bored, about completely random stuff, with no eye towards the fact that I am a mom with four children and don't have the time to talk to her all day long. Sure, she'd let me put one of the kids on the phone, but that would last only 30 seconds, and it would be back to bending my ear about someone on the street who had told her she looked about thirty-five years old (she's 65 - um, right), etc. and so on.
Anyway, my perspective on "keeping them happy" changed in each situation when I found out that as soon as I hung up on each of them, after listening to them trash other people, that they were turning to the next person in line they could get to listen to them, and they were trashing ME.
With my father, I found out through my relatives that he had been telling them all about my troubles (I posted previously about this) and what a champ he was for "helping me" ... when all I had expected was that he would keep my problems in confidence. What can I say, he made it pretty justifiable for me to one day flip the switch and say "goodbye" - though the process itself wasn't easy. It took years for the guilt to go away.
My relatives still get in touch wit me from time to time to have contact with him - he's old, lonely, etc. However, the last time one of them said this, they said "it's so nice he has a better relationship with your sister, he just called this morning to let us know how much he is enjoying his stay with her family this week." My aunt certainly had a shock when I told her that actually, my Dad had just lied again - he was not visiting my sister at all, as I had just spoken to her that very morning. My Dad just always assumed that if HE wasn't talking to me, no one else was, either.
Likewise, my mom made it easier to take a break from her when my sister shared emails with me where my mom was talking trash about me. My sister and I never got along that well, so Mom assumed that would mean we'd never get along. And lordy, wasn't my sister surprised to see some of the emails about HER.
My mom doesn't know that I have seen these emails, by the way - we are keeping this quiet for now. But, I am able to acquit myself of a lot of the guilt when she goes into her "I'm lonely and old" routine.
I would bet anything, Nina, that your Dad gets right off the phone and says things to anyone else who will listen that would shock your socks off. I think a lot of narcissists do this - as long as they are getting attention, they'll spin stories all day long.
Hmm... I'd say it is guilt. My father is narcisstistic. But, I think my grandmother, on my mother's side, is also narcissistic... which might be why my mother married him.
My grandmother lives in her own house, with two sons taking care of her. One, is defiant and stays with her, I think, to pay her back for the abuse. The other takes care of her and fights with his brother about whatever stupid crap.
Anyways, my grandmother has been talking about how she's getting so old and does not have much time left. Every birthday she'd say she didn't think she'd make it to the next. Nothing is ever good enough. She wants two opposites at the same time. She was completely emotionally unavailable to her children their whole lives.
While I admire my one uncle for sacrificing his life to pay her back, I've taken the I'm not going to deal with bullshit path.
I realized, in short, that I don't have to be responsible for other people's lives, feelings, or anything else. I have a hell of a lot of anger for not having been supported at any point in my life, and so if they had showed any love or compassion, then they'd be getting it back. But, they haven't. And, I need to be loved, they don't have it to give, I'm going to get it elsewhere. And, if they weren't so abusive, they'd have lots of people to talk to.
They made their bed, and now their lying in it.
I'm gonna have to re-read the co-narcissism article, HWS. Was reeling at the time.
Unfortunately, parents such as ours lack the self-awareness to ask themselves what might be the consequences of doing X or Z to my child when she grows up. Because it was always all about them. It's like they only had one filter with which to view the world and their kids.
I love that. MORATORIUM ON NEGLECT. It puts you in control.
I really don't think I'm a better daughter. I'm basically a festering boil of resentment who acts out of the Horrible Habit of Compliance. That and the whole Mexican Catholic thing...where disobeying your parent is right up there with being a serial killer.
ps
The inverted narc stuff comes from Sam V who knows all about being narc, but I doubt his ability to have a CLUE about us.
You are being charitable, it is a good thing. Another example of how I may attend Mass, but I am a fallen Catholic too. I have a hell of a time being charitable to t"them."
HWS
ANONYMOUS:
That sounds wise to me. A holding pattern until you can decide how to manage your difficult, needy mother. It IS a big commitment to engage...one that will take a lot of effort and energy not just to deal with her, but to keep patrolling the boundaries, so to speak.
And, btw, when you said your mom only speaks to your grandkids about 30-seconds. Ditto with my Dad. He seemed to like the IDEA of them more than anything else. He never listened to anything they said and constantly interrupted. I need to blog about the narcissist as grandparent, now that you've reminded me. Thank you. It's VERY painful and sad to witness...so I sympathize!
It's really shocking when we find out that our parents are trashing us...just like everybody else. It's so sick. And twisted.
So your Dad is a liar, too? No matter how much we KNOW this about them, I think it's constantly surprising.
About the old and lonely routine.
Notice how they pretty much go straight to that? How they have to rely on manipulation for attention? Otherwise, they wouldn't get it. They aren't charming or loving enough so that people actually want to spend time with them. They go right for our weak spots.
"I don't have to be responsible for other people's lives, feelings, or anything else. I have a hell of a lot of anger for not having been supported at any point in my life, and so if they had showed any love or compassion, then they'd be getting it back. But, they haven't. And, I need to be loved, they don't have it to give, I'm going to get it elsewhere. And, if they weren't so abusive, they'd have lots of people to talk to.
They made their bed, and now their lying in it."
I ACKNOWLEDGE EVERY WORD YOU WROTE, HEATHERRAINBOW...
And the last bit is worthy of framing. And a daily re-reading...a sort of mantra!!!
Thank you!
HWS, About Sam V....I wonder...
is this his way of doing penance for being a narcissist?
the one thing that really threw me off...in terms of his writing...was his emphasis on the grandiose type of narcissist.
From that little I read about co-narcissism,… bull, it’s not co-narcissism but trying to be a decent human being in spite of having absolutely no role model for it for the first 18 years. You’re right that you are being slowly poisoned. These emotional parasitical vampires are not satisfied with bleeding us dry, they want everything: your life, soul, and happiness.
A few weeks ago my n-Mom was going on and on about how hard she worked and she had no time for fun while we were children. She said to me, “you had fun.” Uh-huh, it was a disneyworld to be living in a house of screaming n-parents and having to walk on eggshell all the time and just dreading the weekend. It’s like if they can’t have an awesome life with the world revolving around them, then to hell with you. In 5th grade I was very shocked when a classmate told me her parents try very hard to make her happy.
I've stopped contact with my dad 95% of the time. There is little guilty feeling involved mainly because he remarried and has a 2nd family, so let them take care of him. Though the military guys at work warned me that usually such men end up living with the children of the first family.
With mom, though, I let her live with me for 5 years and only discovered last year the narcassism thing. She is supposed to move out this summer. After that I'm not sure what sort of contact/relationship we will have. She constantly trash my oldest sister even though she is aware that my sister and I talk and are likely comparing notes about her.
BTW, awesome blog. You put into words that I cannot find, it's been buried too deep.
Thank you, Enilina...for your kind words!
Gonna reread the co-narcissism article and see how it strikes me now...at least six months after I first read it.
I just wanted to acknowledge how chaotic it is to be raised in such a household...how you can be made to feel like a prisoner in your own home. Miserable, but with no place else to go.
I think it's amazing that you've been able to handle living with your mother for five years, although I'm sure it's cost you in ways that only you fully understand...or will later after she's moved out.
As for your father...at least you have some lead time to think about how you'll deal with him when he ages...what you are willing to do or not do. I mean, you can always help from a distance. And whew, at least he has a second family. Spread the joy around.
One common theme or trait that keeps popping up is the narcissistic parent's play for gratitude. Always quick to remind you of their sacrifices. The sacrifices being what normal parents happily do for their children because it's their responsibility AND they enjoy it. I never knew how to respond when my n-mom would laundry list all the things she'd done for me...such as taking me to the park or driving me to school or feeding me. It sent the message she took no joy in any of these things and I always felt like a burden and guilty for existing.
So I hear you loud and clear!
Nina-
Everything she did for me almost killed her, I swear.
According to my mother ,we were the worst children on earth. The worst, being a parent was absolutely torture.
Every minute of our exsitence, yeah lots of guilt for laundry, and food.
HWS
Hi Nina, 'anonymous' again.
Happy to go to the narc as grandparent topic. With my Dad, I really didn't give him much of a chance. He saw my first child a total of 3 times. The last time was when my eldest was 2. To clarify, I didn't really LIKE my Dad at all up until this point, I just sort of tolerated him because it was what I was used to.
Despite how he treated his kids, I was just used to "yessing" him and getting through "visits". That was, up until my baby made a grab for his drink, spilled it, and my Dad had a knee jerk reaction, yelled, yanked my child by the arm, and gave him a smart spank, right in front of us.
I don't know how my husband and I didn't throw him out of the house right then and there - I think it was because we were still so young, and it was so unexpected. Today, I'm sure my husband would have put him out the door that second.
Anyway, my Dad left the next morning, and I wrote the "goodbye" letter that week. End of story. Never went back.
As for my mother, the only way I can describe her approach is that scene from "Terms of Endearment" where the 'grandma' talks to her grandchild and says "hello, how are you, I bought you a sweater, now put your mommy back on the phone." Of course, heaven forbid she doesn't get a thank you note posted and a call within 5 minutes of the sweater's arrival. Then YOU are incredibly rude. (This when the sweater was probably on sale, is ugly, didn't fit your kid, and you didn't ask for it in the first place.)
Like I said, I give my Dad some credit for only having been in the picture with one of my kids for 2 years (he's never met the others), but my mother has been around for 15 years. Charitably, I don't think she ever watched my kids more than once that I can remember clearly, and I'm giving credit for a potential 2 or 3 other brief times of 1-2 hours that I'm sure happened.
Oh, I forgot to add that my parents divorced when I was 4. They split us kids by time, lived 5 hours apart, and put us on Greyhound buses by ourselves when sending us back and forth. It seemed that when the youngest of us turned 6, we were left alone very often, even overnight, as long as one of the kids who was 12 or over was there to supervise.
By the time we all turned 14, we were sent to different boarding schools. Problem solved. Someone else to legally raise your kids the rest of the way, while still taking credit for "keeping" your kids & taking credit for the report cards.
No wonder they don't know how to be grandparents, they didn't practice much as parents.
So, you also come to the crux of why I, and so many other children of N's, hit the wall when we get older and start to understand how much we did not get when we were kids.
You feel like a bank account that should start out full ... yet your parents make withdrawal after withdrawal until you are sentient enough as a teenager to know that you are absolutely empty and know you don't even have feelings of love any longer.
Even so, you continue to extend the credit, go on with your life as a young adult, and even tolerate your parents a little bit more (mostly because you don't have to see them every day anymore - what a blessed relief). And then, say in your 30's, just when you feel like you have put in enough work on your own to build your personal emotional bank account back up to a healthy level - ironically, that's just when your narc parents are going into decline.
No one else is paying attention to them as much anymore, and you are their fallback N-Supply, as the books say. Your N-parents are fabulous and desirable and witty and clever and amazing, all the way up to the top of the hill, where they become lonely, needy, sick, old ... all the way back down the hill.
It's quite a shock. You have really worked hard to put together a life you love, despite your parents, and are even possibly in an emotionally stable place ... only to find out that your parents have penciled you in as their Sherpa as they maddeningly meander down the other side of their own mental mountains.
You reach the point where are just like, how much more do I have to give? And then, the answer becomes even more important when you have your own kids, and you are like, how much time that I give to my parents, am I taking away from my own kids - ?
I think that's when I made my jump.
Darn Anonynmous,
My lengthy comment I just wrote back to you Got Glitched by Blogger and now it's gone. Darn.
Just want to say I read about your aggravating experience with your n-parents as grandparents...and I'm going to quote you in my next post about something I just read.
Take care!
Ah, that is what got me to leave my narcissist father "Relentless Negativity!" I admit at first I felt guilty for totally abandoning my father, after all he "did put a roof over my head" (sarcasissm) If he wasn't verbally abusing me, he was trashing anyone he could (supply). I had enough, especially since I was physically/verbally abused as a child, moved out at 20 years old to get away from it. I continued a relationship with him and seen his endless cycles and realized that in my life because of him, I never was really able to heal and be free of abuse. I decided to cut all contact with him at 25 years old and I am so grateful I seen it at this age. I do not feel guilty at all because these are the consquences one has to face. It is a different situation if the narcissist actually was willing to change, or had the capicity but sadly to say I don't think they can. I do not feel any responsibility towards being an enabler and encourage anyone who has a narcissist parent to dis-engage as much as possible. I know if I have children, he will not see them. I may go to his funeral or wake to pay respects, but at this point (based on this continueous abusive patterns, behaviors) feel that I love myself too much to put me through that. My grandfather recently passed away, he didn't really care either. He was laughing, and actually even getting aggressive towards my brother at the wake. His narcissist voice did make my stomach crawl and detested the fact I had to be in the same room as him. I've been trying to forgive him as I understand he probably was abused as a child, also the fact that he probably has some type of mental disorder, so this is not brought on by cruelty. This is more about your well-being, and anyone who has a parent like this--- they never were a parent and you realize that now you have to be the parent you never had to yourself, healing the child within that went through such dysfuction as a child, norish yourself.
I just discovered your blog today, and I am transfixed and stunned by the fact that there really are other people that understand. What a blessing! I just sent the link to my sister, because between the two of us, we really believed no one else could understand the bs we have seen and been subjected to for years and years. Thank you!
Hi Billy,
Well I'm glad to help you out. At first I didn't understand this either, until I read up on narcissism and everything made sense. I mean, they can be very hard to pin-down and define and that is why I think as a child or young adult (speaking for myself) you just can't understand why someone would be so cruel to you. So you have gone through the same experiences? When was it that you were able to define their behavior for what it really was, or what made you start looking for more information? What struck a chord with you in the similar experiences with your parents? I just realized that you truly have to mourn the loss of your parents, just as if someone you loved dearly was really sick, or had althimzers - it's life! ha-ha, but they are twisted.
- Gina
Gina,
I'm catching your comment rather late, sorry. Whew. I've read that because narcissistic parents lack boundaries, it makes it easy for some to verbally and physically abuse their children. I'm sorry that happened to you, but I am very impressed that you were able to cut him off at the tender age of 25. As you said, you'd had enough. But not all of us have the good sense to protect ourselves.
You said some great things about what we can DO for ourselves that I plan to quote in the future...so thank you. Because that's what this is really, ultimately about. Not just talking about what it's like having a narcissistic parent, but how we can get BEYOND them.
BILLIE: Welcome. And to your sister, too. One BIG problem those of us with aging narcissistic parent(s) is that society idealizes The Elderly. And it just makes those of us with Crazy, Self-Centered Parents feel alone and isolated and crazy ourselves!
It’s okay not a problem! Well yeah I am grateful too that I nipped in the problem in the butt this early because I see a lot of people who are in their middle ages coming to terms with their narcissists now in realizing they can not change them but they can choose to change themselves and the people they involve themselves with. Maybe it has something to do with the time right now where people are just not tolerating things that they used to because of awareness on sites like this where one can identify. I seen the question that Elizabeth posted about feeling empty and coming across as an imposter to everyone else in society, feeling not normal. Yes I can identify with that very much so. You were raped as a child literally for all your free action and thought, being left feeling self-conscience and feeling you have to be a perfect in order to be accepted. Of course this isn’t true---but that deep seated feeling remains. Billy you are right with boundaries and the narcissists never taught us how which leaves us as adults not having a clue what that means. I’ve did some research and learned what they were and how to use them in my life, boundaries give you a safe haven. When all your boundaries are violated as a child you learn to let people walk all over you. For instance I remember my father was listening to a phone conversation that my brother was having with one of his friends which was a female. To protect my brother I told him that my father was listening to his phone conversation. My father raced upstairs and gave me a nice slap on the face for that and asked how dare I go against him or whatever. I’m going to tell a little bit of my story as I’m still going through the healing process with therapy, sites like these and faith in goodness of life.
My father and mother married when he was 24 and she was 20. She immediately became pregnant with me and 2 and half years later had my brother. Long story short my father would throw my mother around even when she was pregnant with me. I don’t remember a lot of the abuse but kind of remember the yelling coming from upstairs of our house as my brother and I were advised to stay in the playroom. My dad would find any excuse to abuse my mother verbally or physically. He would go crazy for a cobweb in the corner. My mother who had a drinking problem would go out in the middle of the night and my dad would go out looking for her and with this he tried to justify the abuse, never showing her any real love or support (how could he?) Anyhow, my mother mustered up enough courage after being threatened that if she was to ever leave she will never see her kids again and my mother would be dead. She took my brother and me to a safe home for a week or so while going through the divorce. My dad fought for custody but lost (narcissist attention and supply) My mother having substance abuse problems could not raise us and due to those problems left my brother and I severely neglected and malnourished. We went to live with my father going through high school for me and middle school for my brother. If we left a closet door open, frying pan in the sink, lights on, forgot the key to the house ---- abuse vent for him. Even going with visitations with my father before we lived with him he would rant and rave to my brother and I about the situation using terms like “low life, just like your mother, shit head” I mean just not healthy things to hear at a young age. Well---going through the 4 years living with him was definitely traumatic, although a lot of it still feels like a blur. I learned that a lot of people have suffered abuse much more severe than me but I think we are all left feeling the same way which would be “ok, so now where are the instructions to a healthy life?” Anyhow--- I had enough when one night he came in my room in the middle of the night with a belt, whipping me because the back door was unlocked. At this point it doesn’t matter who did it, we should have not been treated like that. I moved out first, that was when I was 20 years old for 7 months by my ex-boyfriends house in a room for rent and this was the second time moving back in, the abuse apparently got worse and knew I had to move out again at 21. I did, but I continued a relationship with him out of being naïve which I don’t blame myself for---I was young, how could I know about this and really it is a lot for someone to understand. It’s easy to look back on the years almost like a story---and seems as if everything just fits like a puzzle. You can see the triumphs and struggles you went through and feel stronger for your future. Well the years passed there was tons more emotional abuse and a few scares of physical abuse. If he wasn’t being negative about me, it was my brother or someone else in his life. It truly was toxic. I attempted to stop talking to them several times throughout the years of my life but always was pulled back into the cycle of abuse. They get you nice “things” and then tell you how ungrateful you are when you tell them to stop abusing you.
The shift/ transition: I wrote a letter to my father on how I felt about what he said online, thinking that maybe things will change. All I got back was more abuse and how I was wrong for thinking that way. I decided to cut contact. I didn’t speak to him for months and in that time learned about narcissism which helped me so much to put a name to a face. However one night I did call him because I was so angry and wanted to let him know how I felt. He is a skilled manipulator and had me ending the conversation on a pleasant note but all the while heard “sirens, alarms, bells and whistles” knowing this wasn’t the right move. As soon as he heard my futon broke he wanted to get me a new one, sending me obsessive messages on my answering machine about it and convinced me to “unblock him” on my email server. I was getting unwanted advice and help. He obsessively wanted to see me “soon”… and he thought a reunion would be nice with my “brother, him and me” for a drink because after all we were the “victims” (when he said that my stomach turned) so, I did see him, he took me to a lawyers office because I am not driving yet independent with public transportation. The obsessive talk about his “nose” and how he cured his bloody noses, how he was going to give me the “medicine” he has and how much I should use it, when, where, how… relentless!! After we ate at the diner, walking to his car in the parking lot I said out loud but softly “this isn’t going to last”… he took me to the lawyers office and I told him he is staying in the car and I was going in alone. The last thing I needed was him to micro-manage that. However I did have to use a restroom and he insisted he would walk up to the office with me – because it was a small office I was standing in the doorway looking at the lawyer as he was with a client asking for a bathroom and said there was none in that office as my father was “standing in the back of me, overshadowing me” I felt his presence and just wanted to take my elbow and jab him in the stomach. He must have appeared as my husband because the lawyer thought he was. After the lawyers he was telling me how he was going to help me out with my situation money wise but I would just pay him back. Pay him back alright, god I could imagine!! After that day spent with him after my better judgment I stood by my boundary which was “I will give my father the benefit of the doubt and go to see him today but if I feel strongly that he is bad news I will discontinue this relationship” So--- while I seemed like the crazy one ending the relationship yet again with him (at least in his eyes) it left me feeling so vulnerable---so afraid and so lost. I went to the bookstore and asked for a miracle for my healing and seen the book “Return to Love” --- a course in miracles. I seriously was so enlightened and felt so safe at that time, which guided me towards better things in my life while still struggling I felt okay to move on. I have since then. I recently had to see my father for my grand father’s funeral and wake. My father was in Thailand when my grand father was in critical condition at the hospital so I left one message on his machine in a very matter of fact way say “your father is in critical condition at the hospital so suggest you get back”. He did. He called me on a Tuesday. I didn’t pick up. I text him “I’m sorry to hear about your father and this isn’t the time to reconnect. I’m a survivor not a victim of abuse. Perhaps when you realize the severity of it that you have done in childhood and adult we can possibly connect in the future. Good night and God bless. He called me and left a message on my answering machine calling me a “bitch and a know it all” and… “Don’t flatter yourself… I was just giving you a call back. I truly thanked god at that point reinforcing my knowledge that he is a toxic man and avoided eye contact and closeness at the wake. I did text him after that “go screw yourself---and also told him under no circumstance will I ever be there for him” and it’s the truth. I hope this gave perspective… it just feels good to get this stuff out!!
Yes, there's nothing like someone goading you over and over until you call them on it, and then it's, "Everyone's against me. No one will listen to me. Don't yell at your daddy." That last one really gets me. I'm in my thirties and he's almost eighty, and he's my "daddy" when it suits him. It truly is poisonous.
BILLIE:
It is truly poisonous.
Eww. I know the "I'm your Daddy," bit is a stern reminder of your position and a not so subtle demand for affection, but yuck. Sometimes, words totally fail me!
I entertain myself with imagining how MY teenagers would react if I pulled some narcissistic parent routines on THEM. My youngest would pretend to play the violin, then text me later about how lame I behaved...and my oldest would whip out her psychology book and bullet point the ways I'm screwing her up and then find a lawyer seeking emancipation.
Anonymous,
I'm certainly no expert, but it seems that you are dealing with someone who is narcissistic and much, much more. A serious danger comes to mind to your physical and emotional well-being. As you are already doing now, continuing to keep a safe distance seems wisest. Your father sounds like a very, very scary man...and you've had to endure far more than I can possibly imagine. I'm very glad you shared your story. I read every word and can only offer my sympathy. But I'm cheering you on for taking charge and setting boundaries. In your case, considering what you're dealing with, make sure those boundaries are as big and electrified as those in Jurassic Park...then be prepared to run like Hell if the Tyrannosaur breaks through!
Take care!
Nina,
Yes this man is dangerous!! At the wake there were police officers in uniform there because my cousin Matthew is a police officer so I felt really safe! I was a little scared he might do something extreme but he didn't. Although it's crazy to say there are parents that have been much more severely abused then me, so my empathy goes out to them. I can only imagine what they went through. I clearly know he is a physcopath, so I don't intend on having a relationship with him. His ex girlfriend, when they were together (this was like 5-6 years ago) was telling me he was slapping her around in the car, she was trying to get into the back seat and he was still hitting her. When I even say that, it makes me hate him beyond belief. It's a shame that he is walking away free from this---but then again like my therapist said "life isn't fair"... I know he is miserable and would never want to walk a day in the life of him. It's so sickening that these people narcissist and narcissist abusers don't have a stamp on their forehead to protect society aganist them. However, in this world there is good and evil, certaintly evil in the case of a narcissist. I seen his pictures when he was a little boy and really the enablers really created this monster, urgh.
Reading these comments is both cathartic and guilt ridden for me-but everything is guilt ridden in my head, and I'm not even catholic!!
This blog is revealing things to me that have resonance in my childhood, but I'm afraid to say also in my personality.
I too have been pushed out of my mothers care by her. But my abuse (how hard it is to think of my treatment as abuse. To align my self with others experiences is to at once, acknowledge my history and devalue theirs) was more manipulative than obvious and all the more treacherous for that. Her actions were divisive, Ment to hurt in front of others whilst they don't see or understand. As I write this it is dawning on me that this was part of the thrill of it-and still is. Her resondetre(spelling?)
My MIL is a narcissist. We knew she had issues, but no clue of the narcissism until we moved in together. She has an illness, & wanted my husband & her to buy a house together, because she didn't want to live alone. Within a months time she was driving me insane. She was always negative & thinking only of herself. She was trying to control us & didn't respect our boundaries. My husband gently talked with her about her behavior but she got really mad & said she wasn't going to change. She said it was all my fault & that she hadn't done anything wrong. After 2 months, she walked away & left us with house & a big mortgage. She says it's all our fault & acts like a victim. She is so selfish, & thinks that she is the only one that matters. She doesn't take her responsibilities seriously. She has told lies about us to make it look as if we are horrible people who used & abused her. She is just plain evil. She doesn't even care about how she has affected her sons life.
Wow, it looks like I got to this blog too late, I hope everyone still checks these sometime.
I'm VERY familiar with the negative narc father. My entire life all I ever heard my father do was insult people and make fun of them behind their backs. My father HATES the world. When I was a child he took me to functions, because my mother wouldn't take me, and he stayed in the car. One time he let me go to my friend's birthday party and he stayed in the car the whole entire time. When I got back to the car he had written songs and drawn pictures and insisted I read and listen to them. Looking back on that, it's very clear that he is a raging narcissist. Of course, to him, everyone at the party was not worthy of him anyway. Everything has always been about HIM, or my mom.
I never went a day without hearing him laugh about a neighbor's looks or yard, or how "ugly" their kids were. He is also racist and very sexist, I bet that comes as a big shock to everyone.
My mother is a narc in a different way. She's so desperate for someone to love her, she's accepted that he has cheated on her and treats her like shit. She'll do anything he says because she is obese and is afraid he'll leave her. She spent most of my childhood locked in a room, eating and taking her anger out on me.
They work together quite well as a team and have actually managed to get stronger over time because they are getting better at finding common enemies. As long as they have a common enemy, whether it be me, my husband, my brother, or some estranged family member;their relationship is strong. Separated and in person they aren't much. They do their best insulting and cursing and threatening over the phone where they can hide, then they deny that they did "any such thing."
I've been recording the phone calls now for some time. I'm glad I have proof, but listening to the phone calls is so disturbing.
Both my parents are negative in different ways.
Every word out of my father's mouth can be reduced to a brag/showing off about himself or an insult/criticism of something or other he dislikes/disagrees with. He doesn't do compliments or even thank yous. Even if he said better stuff since he just lectures and doesn't really care what you have to say, it's a negative experience no matter what.
My mother is a co-dependent and awash in anxiety and worry. She generally feels incompetent and just wants everyone to stay safe and happy. She basically discourages any risk taking and despite her actually kind nature she still creates a pessimistic atmosphere.
Nik
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