Believe me, I've given my fair share of lousy gifts.
But over the last decade or so, I've turned it into something of an art.
My MIL - the recipient of many a quality purse, Nordstrom jacket and Gourmet Gluten Free Treat Basket, says I always manage to give her the very thing she wants, but wouldn't dare buy herself because of cost. This, of course, makes me happy. She has secretly given me what I want: acknowledgment.
However....
After years of buying carefully researched toys and clothes for my nephews, I unintentionally missed a birthday. None of these gifts were ever acknowledged by my SIL. In fact, I had no idea they'd ever received them. Then my SIL sends a furious email to the family members who'd missed her son's birthday.
This REALLY upset me. This started one of those loops that keep playing in your head. The unfairness of it! She'd never sent my kids (her nieces) anything or most often forgot to call. She never acknowledged mine, after I had acknowledged hers for nearly two decades. In fact, I've spent my entire married life buying my SIL stuff that reflected her tastes that she never acknowledged.
This was followed by an episode with my brother-in-law. He calls to ask if I'd do something special for his wife's upcoming b-day and gives me a not-so-suble reminder that his son's b-day is coming up, too. This I knew. I'd bought his gifts months ago and stashed them in the closet with all the Christmas gifts I'd bought everybody during the summer.
So I do all that. Then I call on her b-day and make a big deal of it and she goes on about her Big Party and all the cash she got and my nephew's Big Party with designer cupcakes. No acknowledgment of the gifts. When I finally got up the nerve to ask my BIL if my nephew liked his stuff, he said his kid had got so many gifts he didn't know which was which. Then they forgot my b-day, that same week. Then they forgot my daughter's. And I felt like crap.
So what was I doing?
What was I expecting?
Why had I chosen to spend so much time choosing just the right gift for people who are incapable of acknowledging me? What kind of strings had I attached to these gifts? (I swear I've never given a Bunny Mailbox, chunky sweater or cheap jewlery.)
There's so much talk of unconscious repetition in the literature of psychology.
Was this what I was doing?
Every time, I felt invisible.
Every time, I felt like Always the Giver...never the Receiver.
And they acted so ENTITLED. Like that was my Role. I exist to support and acknowledge others. Which is very upsetting to the adult child of a narcissist, who has played that role forever and is sick to death of it!
Maybe my biggest fear is that my own unpleasant reaction is itself a narcissistic wound/trait and, if it is, I MUST cut it out, like an infection...before it spreads.
What is sorely lacking is an internal compass that others seem to have, but I don't.
Some friends think I'm crazy and say I should quit spending so much time on ungrateful louts.
But then I think THAT would be acting like a narcissist, so I continue. See? Get that?
21 comments:
I stumbled on your blog because I'm looking for help in dealing with my own very narcissistic mother. The fact that (a) her behavior has a name and (b) I am not alone in this is incredibly helpful I am on the start of what for you has already been a long journey. I turned 30 last month and am SO glad this happened before I have my own kids. Thanks for all the insight and the sharing.
Aoife,
Happy Friday!
First, I'm sorry that you have a narcissistic parent, but I think it's wonderful that you figured this out while still so young. I remember being 30 and not feeling young at the time, but now I'm 47 and so...a new perspective. And it IS good that you've made this discovery b/f you had kids! Absolutely!
Oooo...so you have a VERY narcissistic mother. Yuck. Double yuck.
Welcome, take care and I look forward to hearing from you again!
Oh God I've done the exact same things, still doing it. I think I buy thoughtful gifts for couple reasons:
1) Tangible proof to somebody (anybody!) that I exist, so it's a physical reminder of sort.
2)Prove to myself that I am not a narcissist, that I don't suck at gift giving the same way these entitled jerks do.
3) Maybe, just maybe the N would realize my efforts and start acting like an appreciative human being. Same reason why grown children still have contact with their toxic parents, hoping that one day the toxic parents will magically detoxify and become loving parents.
4) Relieve some of the guilty feelings for not being a total doormat to my parents and other entitled jerks.
And last, I do like buying and giving gifts to people that matters in my life. Unfortunately some of those people are Ns.
IMO.... If you did not give to ungrateful people.... is DIFFERENT from being narcissistic. Why? Because Narcissists don't just not Give, they take. Take, take take.
I think the problems with being abused, is that often times people are afraid they will be like their abuser. This Can be a trap, because it can keep us in the same cycle of being the victim.
I think its about finding the balance... and with you, it seems like you are Too compassionate, Too giving... the test I set... make sure that you are being respectful and kind to Yourself. It's pretty inconsiderate of others to expect you give more to them than what they give back. Way more. I mean, sometimes, it can be a little out of balance... say, I'm pretty needy of my friends in the spring, so, for awhile, I need extra love. But, then through out the rest of the year, I give to my friends (who acknowledge and appreciate in so many ways!!) But, if they can't even remember what gift you got them... its way tipped and you are not respecting yourself. They didn't even remember your kids? That's Disrespectful. Especially if you do this, every year. Totally. If they give back to you oodles in other ways, then maybe its ok... but if not... think about it some more.
What is sorely lacking is an internal compass that others seem to have, but I don't.
Some friends think I'm crazy and say I should quit spending so much time on ungrateful louts.
But then I think THAT would be acting like a narcissist, so I continue. See? Get that?
I completely understand the missing internal compass. I do think listening to comments from friends is helpful, especially if their lives are (mostly) narcissist-free. I envy their perspective.
I get continuing because you don't want to act like a narcissist, too. It's hard to determine where that line is without the compass.
When I get stuck wondering about my actions, I do something like think about what I'd tell my children if they were in that circumstance, or even what I want my children to learn as they watch me carry on.
RIght on, Nina.
One thing which (I now realize) I can't tolerate for long is being invisible or being ignored. If I'm not acknowledged over long periods of time, I try to get out of that particular situation.
T-R-I-G-G-E-R-S, anyone? 8^)
"Some friends think I'm crazy and say I should quit spending so much time on ungrateful louts.
But then I think THAT would be acting like a narcissist, so I continue. See? Get that?"
Yes I think I get it, but this is the guilt again isn't it? You're the narcissist when you want to end toxic relationships in your life? Everything you do for yourself is bad, is that it?
Ending toxic relationships does not make you a narcissist, it makes you free.
"Some friends think I'm crazy and say I should quit spending so much time on ungrateful louts.
But then I think THAT would be acting like a narcissist, so I continue. See? Get that?"
Hmm... Yeah, I get that. I have agonized over whether I even have the right to decide if anyone else is a narcissist until I am sure I'm not. The circular thinking - the catch-22 - of the abused.
I came across this article and it has helped me emmensely - it also is what my therapist and friends say ;-). Its address is:
www.cosmiswalk.co.za/effects-of-narcissism.html#
Here is a quote from it:
"Self-doubts. Not the same type of self-doubts that you have had through the years with a narcissist, but more of a self-questioning that has you examining yourself, checking frantically, "am I a narcissist?". Questioning your thoughts, your motives, your behaviours - past and present - with real fear. This is normal and if you are questioning, there is an excellent chance that you are not a narcissist at all."
My humble opinion is that you are NOT an narcissist and that if you ceased giving these self-centered bores any gifts, you would begin to feel lighter and freer. ;-)
Just because we have a blood tie to someone does not entitle them to use and abuse us and our decision to separate from the abuse is not narcissism. Keep at it - freedom is worth it.
ENILINA,
I just ADORE bullet points and numbered lists! While I relate to them all, 1) really, really hit home...and your conclusion, too. Like you, I do enjoy buying gifts for the people in my life but, it seems, some of them are more than a bit self-centered!
HEATHERRAINBOW:
I'm loving this test will try using it, thank you!:
the test I set... make sure that you are being respectful and kind to Yourself. It's pretty inconsiderate of others to expect you give more to them than what they give back. Way more. I mean, sometimes, it can be a little out of balance... say, I'm pretty needy of my friends in the spring, so, for awhile, I need extra love. But, then through out the rest of the year, I give to my friends (who acknowledge and appreciate in so many ways!!)
And thank you for pointing out that the behavior I described was, indeed, disrespectful. It helps. Really. This isn't a topic I really want to talk much about with my husband, as it's his siblings and he thinks they act loutish, too...but HE'S not responsible for their behavior, so I don't want to make too much of it. So it's great to get an outside opinion!!!!
Cinder Ella:
One of the things about sharing a problem are the practical suggestions others in a similiar situation have used to get unstuck. I'll try thinking of the following when I find myself looping: "When I get stuck wondering about my actions, I do something like think about what I'd tell my children if they were in that circumstance, or even what I want my children to learn as they watch me carry on."
ELISE,
I can't tolerate it either, but I'm still learning how and when to separate myself. And BTW, SEPARATE is just the right word.
ANONYMOUS BOB,
Yep. I think it's rooted in Guilt. Woe is the adult child of a narcissist also raised in a strict Catholic family...ordered to go to Confession for Disobeying Their Parent!!!
i say they get a picture frame w/a portrait of your family next year!!!! hahah ;)
i also cant IMAGINE someone reminding you that you forgot to give a gift... it's called a GIFT not a REQUIREMENT and then in turn completely forgot (or ignore) you AND your childs birthdays...
if you dont want to give them a picture (altho i sooo think you should)... just send a card from now on... your efforts and your thoughtfulness have fallen on deaf ears and ungrateful hearts... anything you do further for them, is just slapping YOURSELF in the face, and I believe they've already done that effectively for you (and thnx for the comments & PLEASE feel free to baby talk anytime!)
:)
My nMother liked to play puppet with me and my siblings. If we were together, and one called, she'd put us on the phone together, eavesdrop, and then immediately upon hanging up, grill us both about exactly what we said to each other.
Despite the fact that never in my life have either of my sisters ever bought me a birthday present (one emails every year at least), one year nMother insisted that I send one sister a birthday present. She called to remind me and ask me what I was getting. I finally went to a birthday website and bought a big "Happy Birthday" treat basket for her.
She never acknowledged that it had arrived. nMom kept asking if my sister had loved her birthday gift, and I said I hadn't heard from her about it. nMom calls my sister and gets upset with my sister, my sister is upset because she's busy and didn't ask for a birthday gift. I then got the most tersely worded gun-to-the-head "thank you for the lovely present, it is much appreciated" thank you email, about 4 weeks after my gift arrived.
My sister was grumpy, my mom was out of sorts, I felt like I was in a fight with my sister because I had apparently "complained" that she hadn't said thank you .... ah, just more work my nMother creates for everyone.
I haven't sent a birthday gift or expected one since. Much easier.
I hate to tell ya'll this, but my experience has shown me that it doesn't matter how nice the gift is, because in the end you'll get it back anyway. Case in point: When I lived in NYC in the mid 80's I'd buy my mother lovely expensive (Hermes, blah, blah, blah) scarves which she'd always worn. Never once did I ever see her wear one - in fact, I later noticed she'd even stopped wearing her own scarves. Can you believe that 5 years ago she returned to me all the scarves I'd ever given her w/ the price tags intact? I've read of similar re-giftings from NPD parents on other sites so you may want to keep this in mind. 'Just be sure to wrap it up nice, for that seems to be all that's really required of gift-giving to Ns.
4/18 Anonymous,
Well, that's bizarre as hell!
You gave your mom such lovely gifts...only to have them returned with the tags! And you say it seems this type of behavior is common? Umph. While it's probably a waste of time trying to figure out the thought process of a N person, I can't help but be curious about the WHY. I mean, they could just as well wear the fancy scarves or whatever and flaunt them...which gives them something to brag about! But no, they stick 'em in a box.
Advice noted. Will wrap up all future gifts to the self-centered people in my life in the fanciest of wrapping!
I'm not an expert on this sort of thing, but I think that if you can ask yourself whether you are a narcissist, you are not one.
Gifts are supposed to be given. When someone expects/demands something, that is not a gift. It is a fee. I think a case can be made that since participation in this relationship has a fee, you are free to decide whether or not your are getting a good value for your money, just like any other economic transaction.
Of course, you can try talking to these people, telling them how you feel, and working out a more equitable relationship. But if that doesn't work -- f*** 'em. Seriously. That doesn't make you a narcissist. Ask yourself if your dad, who you know is one, has ever done an objective analysis of his obligations to other people. I'll bet not. That's not how this illness works.
Okay, so they want you to bow and give gifts to them; but they give you nothing in return, not even a phone call? In the nicest way possible, I'd like to say that the person who plays that game is a sucker. You must refuse to play that game. It's pure manipulation on their part. Would you apologize to someone robbing you that your stuff isn't nicer for them?! No way! And even if they're "family," they're emotional (and financial) crooks.
CELERA wrote:
"When someone expects/demands something, that is not a gift. It is a fee. I think a case can be made that since participation in this relationship has a fee, you are free to decide whether or not your are getting a good value for your money, just like any other economic transaction."
That's a great way to look at this, Celera, thank you. Put like that, it's really shocking that people like this have such NERVE!
I've read each and every comment, by the way...thank you for leaving them, even if I occasionally run out of time and do not respond to each one individually!
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I always bought that bitch a b-day present. If I didn't she'd have a fit. But she always told me to take them back cus there wasn't room in the house or room in her closet for what I bought her.
Stupid me, this last b-day, 88 and three years after my enabler dad died I thought it would be nice to get her something from her hometown in NYC. Katz deli. I asked her if she wanted what I was going to get. G*D knows I know better than to not ask. She was very excited wanting me to get all kinds of goodies, but then in a very resentful, almost snide was she said, you know that is a very thoughtful gift. Most ppl won't think of doing that. The order came out to $100 for the food with $195 for fed-ex overnight cold storage. Needless to say, after three days of her not acknowledging the food sitting in the fridge, when i ask what's the deal is, she tells me she can't get that excited about it, she just isn't that into food. I'm a vegetarian so the dog ate the $22 a lb corn beef and all the meat. She took the knishes out of the freezer and left them on the counter overnight. Then asked me the next day what they were. Uh, garbage from sitting out all night is what they were. $3.50 per and I ordered 12. I ate the babka and the bagels and bialy. I told her i would never buy anything for her again. She couldn't understand why I was upset.
This last July, nine years straight that she forgot my b-day. What do I expect?
YES! The "Am I ALSO a N?" internal debate! Scary, scary stuff...
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