Elizabeth, a commenter, asked readers of this blog the question:
Do you feel empty inside? I guess what I mean is that I feel like I am missing a piece of the puzzle, everyone else has it except me. I sometimes feel like an outsider or a fake trying to pass myself as a normal person. I don't think others can understand the hurt and pain we've been through.
Here are the answers (shortened a bit in some cases, sorry):
Enilina: That missing self growing up, I remember being mystified by the void within me and would go literally wandering around town by myself (and dog) for miles, kind of in an awake-dream daze. At least it made my dog happy to walk so much. So yeah, bloomed really late in college but even then it took a long time to catch up, still catching up. It's like I don't "get it" for the longest time until something click one day and then I get caught up with everyone else and even get abit ahead. But then I fall behind everyone else again and I have to study extra hard to repeat the cycle.
Chi Girl (daughter of divorced, n-parents): I was a pretty messed up individual and, needless to say, many of my close interpersonal relationships were problematic. I usually choose narcissistic partners apparently to recreate and fix my childhood. I had always felt like an alien visiting a hostile planet until recently.I 've been in Pyschodynamic psychotherapy for one year and finally learned how to feel my own feelings. This continues to be quite an emotional rollercoaster for me. My shrink says that narcissistic people (me) often think of themselves as special or different from everybody else. Each week my shrink likes to report his opinion on the progress or maturity I've made in becoming less narcissistic myself; he thinks I have amazing insight and that he enjoys working with me. Even sticking with my shrink has been hard because I don't really know how to depend on or feel dependent on him even though I like and respect him. Thanks mom and dad!! Also, my parents didn't think it necessary to meet or have relationships with my extended family so trying to learn about them in my 20's and 30's has been painful. The whole clan [paternal and maternal] is narcissistically inclined. I feel like God has played some horrible joke by placing me in this situation to see how damaged I could become. I'm learning to be happy about and to appreciate myself, my current friends while living in the present moment. None of it has been easy, but I guess no one said it would be. Finding my therapist and showing compassion towards myself has helped tremendously. I'm, also, glad to have found your site. It's so good to know I am not alone, which is a major problem for children of the self-absorbed. Many of us have some immature narcissistic traits but are not full blown patholgical or stable narcissists so there is hope for us yet:-)
Liesel Elliot: I've pondered this empty feeling for such a long time. I sometimes look at my husband who was raised in a loving, kind family and I wonder what it feels like to be loved. Oh sure my husband and son love me, and I certainly love them - but I have this tendency to feel emotionally detached. I know that I was not allowed any emotions when I was growing up. When I first arrived at college I cried and cried because I had not been allowed to cry at my parents' house. It was scary then and I felt like I was never going to stop crying, but I realize now that it was probably a healthy thing.I wanted to mention one other thing in regards to the "empty feeling". Many times as a child I would have these episodes of feeling as though I was trapped in a bubble and floating. I couldn't feel. and it felt as though no one could reach me. These episodes always happened when I was terribly depressed and they terrified me, because of course, I couldn't tell anyone what was happening. I know now that it was some sort of dissociative state, but at 15 years old I just thought that all the things my mom said about me were true.Like Elizabeth, my mother would also rant and rave for hours to break me down emotionally, and I think this is connected to the dissociative states. But you know, my mom says now what a wonderful child I was, and how I never gave her any trouble!
Heatherrainbow: Yes. Always the outsider. Always trying to fit in. Always never quite doing so. Always people pleasing and sacrificing of myself. That's probably the part that is missing.
Nina: Ever since Elizabeth asked this question, I've tried to be more aware of what I'm feeling when I'm around other people. By nature, I'm a friendly person who can talk to just about anybody. But in groups, I definitely feel like I don't know the rules of social engagement. Am I talking too much? Not enough? I just feel awkward. Like everybody else knows how to behave, but I don't. I suspect much of this has to do with the space - or the lack of it - that I was allowed growing up. Talking or expressing myself makes me feel guilty because when I did talk, as a child, I was interrupted constantly. Or mocked. But we children of narcissists are human, too, and long for human connection...so when we fail to connect after a lifetime of failed connections....it only adds to our sense of alienation and that empty feeling.
19 comments:
Nina, Thanks... hard to read. but true and real.
Hello everyone!!
In regards to feeling empty:
Liesel: you wrote that you feel emotionally detached, that's EXACTLY how I feel. I am married to a wonderful man for 4 years and whom I have known for 10 years. I STILL have trouble maintaining full blown eye contact with him (and most everyone else)!! WTF?? I honestly feel that if he could look deep enough into ME he would not like what he saw, a huge dark empty cave. I too have the husband & son and we all love each other which is maybe all the more confusing, WHY couldn't I have that growing up?? What is so hard about showing some love to your child? Why love 1 so MUCH more that the other?
Signed
confused and bewildered for life, Elizabeth
Roxtarchic:
Below is a comment I had made in response to a past blog, this just about sums up what you said about picture/gift giving:
"And here's a priceless one: my narc mom is a nanny!! She raves about the boy she watches, even has a picture of him on her bathroom faucet!! And a framed picture of him next to her bed!!!! My son asked her who he was and she ignored him, it broke my heart. When I confronted her about the pictures she raged and claimed she did not know she needed my permission to display pictures in her home!!Bottom line= I have not spoken to her in 3-1/2 years. I DID send her a framed picture of my son & her for the 1st mother's day when we stopped contact."
Quite frankly she can take the picture & shove where the sun doesn't shine, but it just so happens to be a really nice picture of HER so I am sure she blew it up & reframed it & proceeded to tell anyone & everyone it's all she has left of her only grnadchild & blah blah blah. She can really give oscar worthy performances with the drop of a hat. Such talent!!
Elizabeth
Littlegirllost~
I understand. I have felt these same things. (Still do, sometimes.) Up until about 18 months ago (at the age of 43) I had a terrible time looking people in the eye. I was afraid they would see the 'real' me - the damaged, unworthy, ugly me - the raw, empty desperation inside. But someone saw it in spite of my trying to hide it. And they didn't run and they didn't get scared. They just cared and encouraged me to talk and they listened. Then they talked and I listened. We had similar stories. And together, becoming best friends (something I had never managed to accomplish before - having a real honest friend who knew me), we both began (and still are) walking through the process of healing.
It hurts that I didn't have that growing up. It sucks and I am angry, sometime, and sad, other times. Why did they do it? Because they are evil, twisted souls who get of on other people's pain. That is a hard thing to see about a parent. I still struggle with seeing my mom that way, but... The more time I spend not seeing her, the more clearly I 'see' her.
That feeling of nothingness is nearly constant. Yes and with the few friends that are almost close I am always afraid that they will see the real constantly depressed me. In groups of people I feel like a red dot on a blue piece of paper. I don't belong.
I feel guilty for anything I do that might slightly be offensive to someone. So afraid at the least offense that they will explode and walk away. I want to please them so badly and be a good friend.
I guess I just want to not be hated by anyone which is impossible. I so badly do not want to be disliked that I am afraid to stand up for myself. Every word I say is carefully calculated to not be offending.
It seems that I want to find that one person that I can reveal my whole self to and be accepted. Then I hope that they can do the same with me. I so badly want to do my part not to be rude or obnoxious.
I feel so much just like nothing. Sometimes it seems that the only feelings I have are fear depression and anger. I am afraid that I am no longer able to love. It is scaring me. Then on the rare occasions I can be away from home for awhile I start getting progressively happier and more comfortable. The moment I get back it comes back again.
Kinda of like the ghost watching all the real people around them interact.
Hi Everyone, I am so sorry to read all your comments. My ex is a narcissist and we have a 2 and a half year old. I know how you guys feel and now I see my son come home from his Fathers with the same doubt, insecurities and confusion I once felt. I'm looking for any bit of advice, I have to send my child there, for visits and weekend sleepovers. How can I help my son see that he is not the problem?
Dealing with Narcissistic abuse is one of the hardest things anyone can go through and also because it leaves you feeling drained, empty, and emotionless inside. The thing about Narcissism is it is also very contagious and one usually becomes like the Narcissist to protect themselves from the Narcissist. In theory the best thing you can do is get away from the toxic person, taking this personal time away to reflect is a very crucial step in understanding what is happening and healing. I hate that empty feeling, looking in from the outside on my life it is perfect(i'm attractive, have a good job, financially stable, supportive friends etc). But emotionally on the inside I feel so empty and lifeless like I'm falling in a bottomless pit going to no where. No matter what I do, who I hang out with, where I go, what I buy this feeling is always lingering. For those of you who have a Narcissistic parent try to get away and know your worth. Even though you feel empty you are still a valuable person, Please try no to pass the abuse on to your husbands, wives and children. Usually abuse continues so do your best to put a stop to it. Now for your own sanity and spiritual being sadly the only thing that can fix that emotional void is LOVE, which makes it even harder for us who love but can't feel love. Its like exhausting yourself digging for something your not even sure is there. Most of you said that your afraid that people will see you for what you really are inside- a nothing. If you think about it everyone is a nothing.. no one's life is more important or valuable than anyone elses, and everyone has their own insecurities. So in the world as a whole you feel different but so does everyone else. Getting over Narcissistic abuse isn't easy, but try setting realistic goals for yourself and limit as much contact as possible from the narcissistic person. For those who are divorced and have children with a N partner, encourage your child to talk about how he or she is feeling and support them. There are plenty of support sites out there so just keep searching, and know there are so many people going through this same empty feeling you are not alone.
I am so glad to find you all. I'm going through quite the time with my mom who is grossly codependent and narcissistic. She hasn't ever been willing to hear me out about why I find so much difficulty with her. She just puts her nose in the air and says, "I'm a good person. People like me." She also gets very defensive, points her finger a lot and blames others when she's backed against the wall. She refuses to break free from her ways because she enjoys being the victim that we should all cherish, feel sorry for and run to. I've decided the only way to relate with her is to make boundaries with her and only talk with her every 2-3 days. She'll think of all sorts of stupid reasons just to pick up the phone to call me. I can't stand answering the phone. I feel like I'm kicking the "alcoholic" to the curb, but if she's unwilling to recognize the destructive affect she has on me and my siblings, then I just need to take care of myself. She's coming to visit for 2-1/2 weeks, and I pray I will survive it. She tries to hitch herself to me codependently, but I will not allow it. Then she moves on to my children by offering to make their beds and clean their rooms. They're 15 and 11 and need to take care of themselves, but this is like speaking a different language to her. Again, when I express my way of raising a household, she gets all miffed and insulted, calling me a tough cookie. SHE'S SO AGGRAVATING. I will most likely have an occasional outburst because I just can't take it and she has the nerve to tell me to calm down like it's me with the problem.
I've seen my church psychologist who assured me that I need to set boundaries with her because she's like a cancer that spreads and destroys. Her mental illness is the reason for the huge destruction in my sibling's lives. One is estranged and has an estranged son, one has an alcoholic son, and one has the same problem that he refuses to confront. My therapist said that I shouldn't expect her to gain wisdom, that is usually gained over a lifetime, and that I should relate to her as the dysfunctional person she is. (For example, you wouldn't get angry at a mentally challenged person in a nursing home). He suggested that I exercise relaxation techniques just to survive visits with her because she is NEVER going to change and be the mother I never had.
The most sickening part is her comments about why our family is so fragmented and separated. She's always moaning about how she lost a whole family (my sister's), how her mother, father and husband died and she feels like an abandoned orphan. It's ironic how her life perpetuated the outcome and she has no idea. I swear I could write a best-selling book or a Lifetime movie.
OMG This is the first time I have read about this. I am sitting here in another country, where I have moved my entire family, and now I realise, it was to get away. I am 40 and I am trying to get away now, after all this time trying to make it right. I will never be good enough. I had to get away. I am crying over the little girl I was. I would stand impassive while I was told how selfish and disappointing I was. How I wasn't doing my best. Sometimes in bed, I would lie there and I would marvel at the fact that I couldn't move my body, like it was stuck in sand. I would walk for hours with my dog when I was a teenager. Scared to go home. Scared at what I had done wrong, but not sure what that would be. I stopped my dad from doing what he wanted to do. I couldn't get out of the way, and now, with the exception of the fact that I can't seem to get comfortable with myself and I don't really know how that impacts on my family, I must be the most unselfish person on the planet. I have a photo on the wall in my cupboard just this year, hidden away, of my brother and I. He was little, and blond and just beautiful. I couldn't protect him. He was so beautiful. I want to go back. I want to be better. I want to save him. He doesn't communicate with me anymore. He was all I had. I would stand up for him, but he so wanted to make dad proud. He tried and tried and tried. He is still trying.
Until tonight, I thought I was just weak. I thought he was tough, but I wasn't good enough. Never good enough. I didn't realise, although I rallied against it. About every ten years I go to toe to toe with dad, but it is never worth it. It drives a wedge, and I have to go crawling back. The rest of the time I hide who I am. Now I can live freely in my day to day without a completely orchestrated visit. There is no interference. Ironically I just don't know who I am, so what good is freedom? Geography is not freedom as it turns out.
I felt empty, well to an extent. I could feel sarrow, panic, misery, lonliness. I could feel that. What I couldn't feel was joy, happiness, contentness. Even when great things happened to me, I would just think there was a catch. That I shouldn't get excited because it was going to blow up in my face somehow. That has carried on in every aspect. When I met an amazing man who loved me entirely, for years I spent my time testing his limits. Pushing his buttons, just so I could see how much he could take. That way if he left then it was proof it wouldve never worked anyway and I just saved myself heartache. It took me marrying him for me to realize how sick that was. I wasted years of time playing games with him when I should've been out of my mind happy.
And I should say, I did feel those emotions but I never showed them. I delt with them behind closed doors. I spent hours in my room staring at the ceiling, listening to sad music just laying there. I felt like life was a tv show and I was the audience. I was there to watch and not involved in anyway. Just there to watch and comment on stuff to myself.
Having parents with different degrees of narcissistic qualities has made me a stronger person because since the birth of my first child I knew something was wrong with them because of my affections for my daughter that I didn't know from my parents. They sometimes grow, narcissistic parents but in most cases not and boundaries physicality and emotionally are the only way to get on with your life.
Nina, I am glad that I found your blog..I a child of the self absorbed myself..and I stumble upon these posts and realise how alike we are all, survivors from these parents. And how strange it is, when everyone judges you or does not understand nor want to, how it is to be in "your shoes".
I am such an outsider myself, and I am in recovery after initiating NC with my Narc mother and full family. And other friends/lovers that I kept seeking to recreate the mess, and change the ending.
Anyway, I`m glad I found your blog, and hope you are alright!
Peace and blessings,
Catpowergirl
I can't agree that we are "survivors" from these parents unless we consider ourselves similar to cancer survivors...never really cured, perhaps luckily in remission, until the next reappearance of a symptom of our lifelong deprivation.
Today the fog that has been hanging around my head for almost 40 yrs has began to lift. I have definate clarity today. My 14 yr old daughter asked me to come into her room last night to talk. She cried sore for 2 hours, as did I as she recounted to me a conversation she recently had during an overnight at my mothers home, her grandmother. She filled my daughters head full of her toxic poison, making remarks about me and my husband, in particular his family and how bad they are.Mostly about me, how bad a child I was, how I tortured her, asking her how we got on, did we fight, bla bla bla. I just couldnt believe what I was hearing, there is so much more but obv I cant get it all down. So I ring her and ask her why she said all these nasty cruel things to my child. She turned the whole thing around and blamed my daughter and said that my daughter would never be back in her house. I hung up. And so begins the process of cleansing my mind and soul from my so so cruel NM. I am 39. I had 2 siblings but my brother died 21 yrs ago aged 15. She treated him and I so differently from my sister who is 7 yrs younger than me. Still lives at home, is an extension of my mother,never had a relationship and basically is the golden child. Last birthday my mother says sorry no money to get u a present. My sister birthday a few months later, 2 gifts from pandora and more. I could go on forever, about things Ive confided in her, that she has blabbed and caused so many problems with other relationships. Yet I always felt it was me. I always felt guilty if I mentioned she was wrong. I can relate so much to the above comments. My main problem is guilt. I adore my father, I think because he has always shown me genuine interest and been kind with his words, never lifted his hand. My mother was not slow at lifting the bamboo stick she had down the side of the fridge. When I was 21 I became pregnant and when I told her she said I was to have an abortion or move out into a flat. When I told her I was going to work in America she said she couldnt believer I was leaving my sister and her after what had happened to my brother. When I said I was going to university to train as a nurse she said, what the hell are you doin that for at your age(32) with a family. I am so so happily married to a wonderful man, and have two beautiful daughters, but something is always missing, and I find it hard to sustain relationships with girlfriends, I think a bit of my NM may have rubbed off on me, and it kills me to say that cause I cannot bear the thought of damaging my girls as she has me. I dont really know where to turn from here, I live in N Ireland and not sure about therapy here for NM children, but I know for sure after today I need professional help. I have cried all day. My daughter has cried all day, thank goodness the younger one was out. I dont know what to do about my dad who I love and do not want to cut ties with. But I dont want to be even near her home as I know the manipulation will start. Today was the beginning of my life, and it was because she was starting it with my child. I wish you all well xx
Everything that I'm reading is so much of how I felt and how I still feel from having NP. I honestly believe that both of my parents are N. I could never do anything right, or good enough. I couldn't even chew my food correctly. I always thought it was just me that I had done something to make them treat me this way. Friends of mine and friends of my younger sister always noticed how my older sister (The Chosen One or the Golden Child) ever did anything wrong but I could never do anything right and it continues even today. I was watching The Dr. Phil Show and he was talking about NP. I thought this was interesting, not thinking that my parents were N! However, absolutely everything that I have read is exactly what I've gone through and what I am still going through with my parents today! I'm honestly tired of trying to please my parents because no matter what I do it isn't ever good enough! I always have felt empty and as if I didn't belong any where until I had my son. I love him with all my heart and for once, between having a greater relationship with God our Father and my son, I don't have the empty feeling anymore! But if I think about my NP those empty feeling come rushing back once again. I've got to delete them and keep them away!
What if you were the scapegoat? On the outside it looks like I'm a beautiful, talented, smart person, but on the inside it's like something has died, or was never there in the first place. I understand that feeling of missing out, feeling invisible, and "different" I see comments from people who were able to build financial stability, and find loving spouses... but what if you were the scapegoat and your mother found ways to control your life. At this point I have no money, no job, and my relationship with my boyfriend is hanging by a piece of fraying thread. My brother only sort of understands and wants to help, but he'll never know the cause of my depression and troubles. He was the "golden" child... and has achieved much in his life. He went to the ivy league school got the six figure job. How hard was it for me to watch from behind his shadow? very... it made me stronger, but the pain never goes away. Will I ever be able to get away from this nightmare? People say I should be a nurse because I am so caring, so maybe that is a blessing in disguise. I really understand what children of npd's feel. :/ I wish everyone much luck!
I would just like to give a few examples of what my N.P. have done to me over the years. My dad took me to the bar with him from the age 5-11 yrs old, I would sit in the car for hours by myself, he would race home just in time to get there before my mom returned from work, he asked me to lie and not say where we were ( never told my mom) growing up my dad always made comments about how stupid I was especially when he was drunk. My parents never celebrated birthdays or holidays but on my 16th birthday my mom told me I was old enough to quite school. She always trash talked me to family and friends. I got my first real job when I was 17 my mom showed up at my work a few days after I started and introduced herself to my boss, he told her I was a very good worker and enjoyed having me, she laughed at him and said are you sure you are talking about my son, He is disorganized, messy, lazy, and not all there. I confronted her and she said there is nothing wrong with having to prove yourself and I was being to sensitive. These are just a few examples out of thousands. I am now 43 yrs old and have the answer I have been asking my whole life, What is wrong with me?? Nothing is wrong with me. My parent's are narcs
I feel very empty and meaningless inside. I feel like I don't matter to anyone and have to feel like I care about others I am looking into doing cognitive behavioral therapy to get better and help me recognize my own emotions.
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