As my 81-year old narcissistic (adoptive) father descends into the last stages of Lewy Body dementia, he once again talked about the cruelty of his own father.
He began telling me about his no-good-lazy-drunkard of a father when I was very young. How he'd endured neglect and beatings and cigarette burns, until he forced his father out of the house when he was finally old enough. His father died on Skid Row in Los Angeles.
My father could never believe that his own father treated him so badly. This has haunted him throughout his life. This and the fact that his mother didn't stand up for him.
My father seemed to crave sympathy for his suffering. He desperately needed somebody to acknowledge the pain he'd endured as a child. So he turned to his own child to do that for him. His wife, my adoptive mother, wasn't a very patient person.
The older I get, the more convinced I am that the sympathy I developed for my father's terrible childhood experience got in my way of realizing that he had neglected me. That our roles had reversed. That at some point, my father began to use his bad childhood as a Lifelong Hall Pass excusing him from parental duties. That whatever he had survived had somehow entitled him to taking and taking and taking from his only child. It was as if he had never really fully realized that he had become a father himself. It was as if he was still that wounded 12-year old boy, looking for attention and comfort.
One of the oddest things about my aging narcissistic father is that he never seemed to acquire the ability to reflect upon his own life, to make connections between experiences had and lessons learned. He did not grow any wiser with age. He was and will always be that 12-year old kid.
8 comments:
Elise, you hit the nail on the head again.
My mother was the product of teenage parents who gave her to relatives to raise. She thereafter had contact with her biological parents, and knew who they were, but she wasn't raised by them. Her bio parents went off and married new people and raised new families. She always knew about these half-siblings, but being 10 years plus older than they were, she was not part of their lives.
Because the older relatives she was being raised by were very elderly by the time she was in college, and she married the first guy that came along - my bio dad.
He was a mess, too. She realized this soon, and could not stand being his wife, or the mother to 2 girls she didn't want to have. She wanted to be an actress. When I was 7, and my sister 5, she met another actor, and left us with my bio dad (who, to be fair, also had a chickie on the side, the single mother next door whose kids we played with. Nice.)
For my entire life, my mother told me that her mother "left her" to be raised by others and she "knew her mother left her" ... as a result, whenever I got angry at her, she would tell me that because "we" were all she had in the world (no brothers, sisters, parents), we could "hurt her more than anyone else ever could."
As a result, we were forbidden to become angry with her. She liked to say that when we became unruly toddlers or children, she would curl up and cry, and we children would be so shocked at her crying, we would stop immediately and come over to make sure she was okay.
It seriously took me YEARS to understand how cruel and selfish was this behavior. It was not funny. It was cruel. She understood she was turning herself into the cared-for and her children into the caregivers.
My mother was beyond shocked when I told her I needed some time without her, where I did not want to talk to her and where I needed to think. She said "of all people, I did not think YOU would abandon me" ... my stepfather, who also doesn't want to deal with her drama, told me I should know I am dealing with a "truly fragile soul."
Um, yeah, I know who I'm dealing with. She left ME when I was 7. I knew where she was. She wasn't with me. I visited her. When she was "working", it could be months where I would get nothing more than a phone call when she was able to send something.
She literally wrote the book on "contact at personal convenience."
Just to say that while one can understand that my mother's parents did her wrong - I was neither my grandparents OR her first husband, my Dad. Yet I am the one who's supposed to "make up" for all the sadness and hurt she's experienced, because my sister and I are "all she has."
I so did not sign up for this. And yes, I have a right to get angry. She has been mystified by this, as if the very act of calling someone on their bullshit is like shooting them in the heart. Do I know the pain she went through in deciding to leave my father? How could I say such things to her, knowing how it hurt her to leave us?
I call bullshit.
Interesting, I read on a website about narcissism that it stems from being spoiled and over-praised as a child, but all the narcissists I've read about and all the ones I know personally were mis-parented in the opposite way. They were (like your dad) deprived of genuine care, meaningful discipline, and encouragement.
This is no excuse. You and I, and many other readers here, were also deprived of these things from our parents. And as flawed as we all undoubtedly are, I think we have done better than we were done by. And that's something, anyway.
Hey Maria,
Thanks for the compliment...but this is Nina's post, not mine!
;^)
Glad to be running in such fine company, though.
Happy weekend, all!
Maria: Very flattered to be mistaken for Elise!
You wrote:
"As a result, we were forbidden to become angry with her. She liked to say that when we became unruly toddlers or children, she would curl up and cry, and we children would be so shocked at her crying, we would stop immediately and come over to make sure she was okay."
What makes this so upsetting - as an adult - is the admission that your mother was AWARE of the effect her antics had on you kids. The admission that she manipulated you for her own needs and that her needs were both "justified" and trumped yours. Narcissists like my adoptive father are so unaware of themselves...oblivious, crude and emotionally unintelligent...that they wouldn't even be able to articulate their own needs. In a way, this is slightly easier to "digest." But your mother seems clever enough to have at least tried to overcome her insecurities for the sake of her children, but instead used that cleverness on tricks to control you.
CELERA wrote:
"I think we have done better than we were done by. And that's something, anyway."
I think it's a BIG something, Celera. Some that we can be very proud of. I think we go around feeling like wrecks, but I think we are very strong to have broken the cycle of the full blown narcissism!
Hello everyone!
Nina said:
"but I think we are very strong to have broken the cycle of the full blown narcissism"
this is something I remind myself of quite often.
Funny thing with my nmom is that she was always elusive and quiet regarding her upbringing. She claims her parents loved her & she loved them HOWEVER............my parents are from Hungary, they escaped the communist run country in 1956 (nmom was 16 and dad was 21)and came to America. She left without a word to her parents!!?? Nothing no goddbyes no don't worry about me. In fact if I recall correctly she took her sweet time contacting them.
As far as the manipulation goes mommie dearest was famous for the fake suicide attempts. It was her ace up the sleeve however, she had to stop her one woman act because I tried to end it all once & came VERY close to succeeding. She never pulled that ace out again.
Who'd of thought??
Elizabeth
“My father seemed to crave sympathy for his suffering.”
Oh how they LOVE that warm blanket of victimhood. I’m sure my dad had a difficult childhood (Polygamy, WWII, Japanese occupation, commies) but I think something called nationalistic pride prevented him from rehashing his childhood. So instead he’s constantly claiming to be his wife’s victim even as he’s beating her up, afterwards he would come crying to me complaining how awful my mom is and how she is turning everybody against him. Finally when I was 17 years old I said to him, “If Mom is that awful, then just divorce her already!” Shocked, he muttered something about giving mom the chance to “improve herself”.
Mom loves rehashing her difficult childhood and constantly going over who and who have done her wrong. Naturally it is all about her, she is very indifferent and disinterested in the lives of her children. One day my sister was on the phone with Mom and listening to her endless litany of woe-is-me complaints, my sister finally asked Mom why she never inquired to the going-ons in our lives. Mom immediately replied, “My life is terrible! Your life is perfect!” Right, how would Mom know our lives are “perfect” when she doesn’t know nor cared to know what is happening in our lives? As you said, Nina, this is our parent’s Lifelong Hall Pass to excusing themselves from parental duties and instead acting like wounded children with full to entitlements.
And I fell for it hook, line, and sinker. It wasn’t until my sister and I became adults that we realized our parents are also adults with atleast twice the life experience. If we can act like grown ups then by golly so should they! But, instead we still have to treat them like freaking children by setting up boundaries and what not.
""but I think we are very strong to have broken the cycle of the full blown narcissism"
My sister figured that if we haven’t turned into narcissists by now, then it’s a pretty good sign that we’ve broken the narcissism cycle. Sure, we’re still hyper viligent on narcissistic traits, like monopolizing conversations, but occasionally learn to relax a bit.
I'm pretty sure that my mother's mother was a narcissist so my mother did have a pretty bad childhood. My father died when I was a baby so widowhood became her excuse. She likes to say in a weird sing-songy voice, "I'm ALL A-Lone" Or she'd like to say, "I don't have anybody to help me."
You should see my mother at family wakes. She loves to be in the receiving line having people offer their sympathies.
Oh, and she loves to tell people how she raised two children all by herself even though she left us in the care of her mother. She never had to make dinner. My grandmother or I did it.
Hi Nina,
I just found your blog and it's been helpful in understanding myself and my n-parents relationship. Hearing your dad's sad story makes me think that he has Borderline Personality Disorder which is mostly brought about by severe childhood trauma. This is a very difficult disorder and it could make you feel better to know that what he's done to you is not really his fault, he's been traumatized as a child and he was tortured the rest of his life by his illness. I work at a psych hospital and these people are our most difficult cases and very hard to treat. Wiki quote: "The most distinguishing symptoms of BPD are being highly sensitive to rejection and spending a lot of time thinking about and feeling afraid of possible abandonment.] Overall, the features of BPD include unusually intense sensitivity in relationships with others, difficulty regulating emotions, and impulsivity. Other symptoms can include feeling unsure of one's personal identity and values, having paranoid thoughts when feeling stressed, and severe dissociation."
Just thought I would give you something to think about.
My mom and dad don't speak to me any longer. They were very narcissistic, but now my mom's gone beyond that and become paranoid and has accused me of stealing just about anything and everything, despite that I'm the one who always included them in my family outings, parties, grandchildren's activities, etc. I refuse to be angry though. I'm just going to enjoy my family and move on, and feel sorry for them.
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