I can't remember exactly which book about narcissistic parents talked about the tendency of the n-parent to give really bad gifts. Gifts that are more about the n-parent than the recipient. I didn't think this applied to me, mostly because my parents didn't give me gifts after I stopped liking dolls and Operation! On birthdays, they'd stick some money in a card and that was pretty much it.
But then some commenters came along and wrote about how their n-parent gave them some gift that didn't reflect them in the least bit. Often, the gift had strings attached. The gift was used to control or extort gratitute or something equally unpleasant.
I was kind of surprised that Really Bad Gifts was such a common theme.
We all get bad gifts at one time or another. The Father's Day Tie or the I Love My Teacher Mug aren't notorious for nothing. So what's the big deal? Now that I've allowed myself to think about it, it's more significant than I thought. And how I've reacted (okay, overreacted) is worth noting because Gift Giving has become a Really Big Hang-Up. And I need to get a grip.
In brief, my narcissistic parents stopped giving me Wrapped Gifts way before I hit 13. Except for those obligatory back-to-school shopping trips, my mother never bought me a single cute sweater or one darling blouse. She returned home loaded down with discount shopping bags filled with stuff for her, but for me? Nada. (For once, I'll let my full blown narcissistic father off the hook. He's a guy.) When I started working full-time after I graduated high school, I began buying her gifts. Cute sweaters. Darling blouses. Perfume. All of which she gushed over. She wasn't ungrateful. After working for several years, I took her to Hawaii.
And then I decided to go away to college. By now, you must be absolutely sick-to-death of this story, but for the sake of newbies, my self-centered mother stopped talking to me. I got the Cold Silent Treatment for leaving her and declaring my independence.
During my years at college, my parents did not send one single We Miss You card. Not one check. They did not send one care package. Not one Cute Little Jacket for the colder, Northern California temps. Nada.
Fast forward to the arrival of my oldest daughter. No cute little onesies for her, either. Just a check to help buy the layette.
Fast forward six more years. My mother has Alzheimers. My father drives her over for a visit to see the grandkids (also known as respite care, which meant chasing after my wandering mother while watching a 4-year old and 6-year old). N-dad arrives carrying a pink cake box, which I open later, after they've gone. What I see inside makes my stomach turn. The top layer of the cake, a German Chocolate affair judging by what was left, was nearly gone. It was like somebody had stood over it and picked off most of the topping with their fingers. So the whole thing was mostly covered with weird, bald patches. WTF?
I called n-dad. "Oh, that," he said in a no-big-deal-voice. "Your mother did that. She got into it before I could stop her. But it's okay. It's still good enough to eat."
Translation?
Good enough for me. A cake with the topping picked off by my mother's undoubtable dirty fingers is good enough for the only daughter. Who knows? Maybe all children of The Great Depression are like this.
So it's no surprise that I've developed some really Big Hang-Ups about Gift Giving. Since this post is already long enough, I'll post about that later this week. Because it's something that has actually driven me to call my therapist in the middle of the day for an emergency phone consulation. Yes, that's how bad this is. That's how weird I've become, folks. And here's the funny thing. I'm just, like right now, making the connection between how I was treated (or not treated) and how Gift Giving has become so ridiculously endowed with way, way too much meaning!
And it's all rooted in acknowledgment. Or the lack of it.
In the meantime, please feel free to share YOUR Really Bad Gift stories, your theories and your thoughts on how it might have impacted YOU.
31 comments:
Yes, I had really bad gifts... All about my mom... none about me. My father never bought me gifts, he had his girlfriends do that for him. Those were nice gifts. Like, cds or something. Nice clothes. That's the great thing about having divorced n parents. Their significant others decide what to get me. Cause they can't figure it out.
HeatherRainbow,
"Cause they can't figure it out."
Maybe it's because they don't really KNOW us. If you don't know someone, you have no idea what to get. And if they haven't bothered to know what we like, our tastes, our preferences, they can't be acknowledged. I think that's the really wonderful thing about a Great Gift. That is acknowledges the recipient in some lovely, unique way. I have no experience with divorce, but from what I've heard, I think it says something nice about you and your character that you're able to look at the bright side of what had to be a painful situation...even if your parents were really awful together and not-so-nice apart!
Background: I used to collect rabbit figurines and paraphenalia. My DH was beginning a woodworking hobby. Also, my DH had complained over several Christmases that his mother, my NMIL, always told him ahead of time what he and everyone else was getting, and he didn't like it. He wanted to find out when opening the gifts like everyone else.
Okeedokee.
One Christmas, early in our marriage, we arrived a day or two early for Christmas to stay at the NIL's house (I know, stupid, but at least we didn't have children).
My NMIL promptly took me upstairs to show me the gift she had gotten for DH. It was in a large box. It was a mailbox shaped like a rabbit. Oh, brother. It was ME with the rabbit hobby, not DH! She gushed over how she thought it was perfect for him. I nodded and smiled (didn't know what to do, again, I was young and stupid).
I wondered what to do, but I knew that DH was fed up about finding out about gifts early. His mom was famous for giving wildly unsuitable gifts. I figured he would just shrug about the big, heavy mailbox, so I decided not to tell him. I thought it was the lesser evil.
Fast-forward to Christmas Day. He gets that huge box and his eyes widen. He opens it. "Oh, it's a rabbit?? mailbox??!?!??? Ummm, Thanks Mom." Perplexed and sad.
Later he tells me, "When I saw that huge box, I thought it was a new saw or something." Oh, my heart sank. I explained my dilemma to him. Now, of course, I felt really, really bad. If I had any idea he would think it was tools, I would have told him ahead of time so he could be prepared.
And of course, we couldn't quietly get rid of it. It's kind of noticeable whether you use someone's gift of a mailbox or not. So we put it up. And since we lived on a major highway, we were forever known as the house with the bunny mailbox.
I don't even remember what she got me that year. Obviously it wasn't memorable!
Sigh.
At least we moved away from that house later!
Another time, earlier than this, my MIL gave my DH an enormous coin keychain (about the size of a dinner plate) and thought it was sooooo funny that DH would now know where his keys are. Ummm, yes he is disorganized, but he doesn't lose his keys. He was not characterized by that. And that was his major birthday gift. Very weird.
NMIL is also famous for either giving every single adult or family the same thing, cookie-cutter style, or giving weird and distasteful gifts that only she would like.
Blech.
We have been NC for a while and moved far away, so at least we don't have to deal with the gifts anymore.
Yes, gifts were a big issue. Food was, too. But that's a whole 'nother topic.
My mother kept buying my son clothes he could not fit into, each time I told her what size he was wearing and each time she bought the clothing in sizes too small. Then there is the issue of his birthday parties. We would invite close friends and their children along with my nmom & stepdad over for a big bash always on a Saturday so we could recuperate on Sunday. This was a great inconveinence for nmom Sundays were better for her, so she only went to 1 of his birthday parties when I lived in a mobile home she had bought me. Once my husband & I bought our house she never came to another birthday party of his. This from a woman who's concerned what will people think of her if she didn't visit my father in law at the retirement home??!!
She was famous for giving me hand me downs. Once she & my stepdad stopped by and just unloaded their TRASH as a gift. Old tools and crap,we said NO THANK YOU, but being the wonderful people that they are they insisted we take their garbage. After they left we went to the dump to dispose of the trash.
Come on, that's good for a chuckle now isn't it?? :)
Elizabeth
curiously this post comes after our lil guys christening, the one that the n “didn’t know how he was going to get there so he’s not coming” but wound up attending (what miss out on a spotlight opportunity) he pulled me aside to tell me he wanted to get the baby a bond but didn’t know how to do it… I suggested he go to a bank if that’s what he’d like to do… and then he proceeded to talk about his diverticulitis attack and thankfully w/upwards of 40 people I was able to extricate myself … but this got me to thinking about the stress of gift giving… which I only ever suffered for him… because I LOVE getting/knitting for people… other people. As far as gifts for the n… I’ll never stress that again…. and I’ll explain why… a few years back, prior to meeting my husband and well before I realized I was being manipulated like a puppet on strings, I would really try and get something thoughtful and go out of my way…. And it was NEVER appreciated… One fateful year… I got my siblings to join me and we did a sears portrait for both of our parents… now yes this was more for my MOM than for the n… but of course I purchased a gorgeous frame, wrapped and presented this gift that really was no small feat (because my brother and sister were already estranged from him) to him at our family (his side) christmas party…. And I remember thinking… oh he’s gonna love this…. How could he not… it was US his kids… ha ha ha ha
It got a glance. I don’t even think there was a thank you. He put it back in the box. He didn’t even show anyone…. I don’t recall my exact reaction, altho I do clearly recall my sister half-laughing and saying you’re giving him what he wants, you’re bothered by it… and I snapped out of it…
But that’s it… he’ll get pictures of the baby but only because he doesn’t really care but he knows that he should… so I suggest everyone do that… next occassion send your n a picture of you… or your children…. or a picture from your CHILDHOOD (something they already have) and blow it up and put it in a frame (that you got on sale) and call it a day
Roxtarchic:
Below is a comment I had made in response to a past blog, this just about sums up what you said about picture/gift giving:
"And here's a priceless one: my narc mom is a nanny!! She raves about the boy she watches, even has a picture of him on her bathroom faucet!! And a framed picture of him next to her bed!!!! My son asked her who he was and she ignored him, it broke my heart. When I confronted her about the pictures she raged and claimed she did not know she needed my permission to display pictures in her home!!Bottom line= I have not spoken to her in 3-1/2 years. I DID send her a framed picture of my son & her for the 1st mother's day when we stopped contact."
Quite frankly she can take the picture & shove where the sun doesn't shine, but it just so happens to be a really nice picture of HER so I am sure she blew it up & reframed it & proceeded to tell anyone & everyone it's all she has left of her only grnadchild & blah blah blah. She can really give oscar worthy performances with the drop of a hat. Such talent!!
Elizabeth
Anonymous,
You may be the first commenter on this blog who is married to an adult child of a narcissist. I remember some poor man who'd found my adoptee blog who's wife had an n-mother.
If you are taking the time and trouble to read blogs and sites about n-parents, I imagine that it must continue to be a problem, even thought you live further away now (yeah!).
Just out of curiosity - and if you are comfortable - are you trying to better understand the impact that this has had on your husband and/or, is just having to deal with an NMIL enough to drive you to it?
Anyway...A BUNNY MAILBOX??? Yep, yep, that's EXACTLY what every adult male secretly wants in front of his house. Your poor husband! And the poor guy just wanted a saw! I bet that thing was a daily grim reminder of just how lousy he felt when he opened that package!
And btw, welcome.
ELIZABETH,
Mmm. It's really tempting to try to analyze the meaning behind giving clothes that are too small - repeatedly - knowing they won't fit. But I won't because it's as disregarding as taking a bunch of junk to your kid's house. Ouch. I know some people are tight and hate waste and all that, especially older folk who've lived through tough times, but it's another thing when Trash Treated as Treasure is couple with self-centered behavior. It's just one more insult to the ego...after a lifetime of insults!
ROXTARCHIC,
Mmm. My Dad has used a similar tactic. Starts out with some lame excuse, then changes the subject to his favor. In your case, you got the diverticulitis-back-to-me-ploy! It's REALLY, really sad that our n-parent can never BE in the moment and enjoy...and celebrate the person who is actually being honored, especially when that person is their grandchild.
I can't think of a more thoughtful gift for adult kids to get a parent than a portrait. I HOPE my girls will do the same when they are older so I can stare at them all day (since I will miss them when they leave the house) and show my friends. I'm sorry your father couldn't appreciate such a lovely gift!
Your blog is a wonderful find! Yep, n-parents here, too, and abounding weird gifts. At first, I wrote it off as things she would have loved to get as a child but didn't because of her own weird family situation. While that's likely the case, it's also because she has NO IDEA who I am.
She gave me my favorite really bad gift when I was 9. I was away for two weeks at Girl Scout camp -- a tomboy in her glory -- to find that she had painted my beautiful blue room, *gasp*, pink. I was stunned. Even today I'm still shocked that she didn't know I hated pink. It's still mind boggling to me that a mother could miss that.
The chrome dish drainer for my birthday comes in a close second. She explained that she used one in her kitchen and it was such a help keeping her kitchen clean that I "might want to try it", nudge, nudge.
My n dad died six years ago. As badly as it sounds, gift giving became infinitely easier once he died. No more pressure to find some extra special thing that would receive a glance of disinterest (if not disgust) and then be placed back in its packaging and set asside never to be considered again. Never having to go through that again is so liberating.
thank you nina & elizabeth im so sorry she was so much better to her paid charge than her grandchild... but again... that just points right back to the main attraction... their dedication to self & self preservation....
i'm still waiting for the "blowback" call that should follow the christening (was on sunday)... i give it a week... anyone want odds? and he DID even hold his grandchild this wk/end (but i suspect it was because everyone was paying attention to the cute lil baby so how much cuter if his grandfather holds him for a hot second) hah
My father got me, my mom, and my sister some really ugly old woman style sweaters for X-mas one year, along with identical old-woman pendants on cheap chains. When none of us wore them right away, his response was, "I try to do something nice and that's the last time." Uhh, really. A few years before that, my little sister, who was maybe 4 or 5, got dad a set of hair combs because he was always bitching about the cheap combs he got for himself were breaking, and he utterly broke her heart by looking at them and proclaiming she wasted her money and throwing them up onto the kitchen table. I don't know that they ever came out of the wrapper. Asshole.
I'm the same anonymous who wrote about the bunny mailbox. Yes, the NIL's almost destroyed our home and marriage, although the verbally abusing ways my DH learned from them are a problem too. Only away from them is my DH making progress. I regarded these people as my second family since I was 16 and thought they were exemplary. Remember the young and stupid? Yup, and naive.
Yes, I study these blogs and others because of the impact on DH, the impact on our marriage, the impact on me (as a target), the impact of the extended family trying to get us to "change back," etc. My parents were merely verbally abusive, but my NIL's are truly evil, although they consider themselves Christian.
Thanks for your kind words.
The children of the Depression thing is an interesting theory. In terms of time, my mother was one (born in 1930). But my grandfather worked for NJ Telephone, and was never entirely out of work. He and my grandmother lost their house, but had a completely adequate apartment afterwards.
The doted on my mother...to the point of smothering her, it seems. She lacked for nothing.
But the entire atmosphere or the Depression overall --- it's an interesting theory!
In terms of gifts, my mother wound sometimes get me nice things, and needed things. Other times, she'd give me clothing from her closet which was "too big for her". Her delicate 5'7", size 8-10 frame was one thing; my somewhat less delicate 6'0", size 16 frame was something entirely different. She seemed to like to remind me of this. Under the guise of being "generous", the subtle yet constant message was "you're huge".
It wasn't until I was out in the world and saw that tall women's catalogs --- ones which sold clothing that actually fit women like me, with a 34" inseam --- routinely went up to size 20. These were not "fat tall women's catalogs". These were just catalogs for tall women. It took me a long time to accept that, for my height, my frame was actually proportional, albeit certainly not on the skinny side like hers.
That only took about 20 years. Thanks, mom.
BILLIE,
One thing that continues to strike me is how many of our n-parents so readily play the victim, like when your Dad said, "I try to do something nice..." The operating word being, "I." Contrast that with a more typical non-narcissistic response...which would be concern that he'd chosen the wrong gift and an offer to return it for another style. Yet, when HE receives a gift from a young child who has actually chosen something b/c she was LISTENING to him, he heartlessly failed to acknowledge her thoughtfulness. ARGH.
ANONYMOUS: One develops such a warped view of the world and relationships in a narcissistic family. And I think it takes a lot of time and DISTANCE to break free and break the cycle. For your sake and your DH's, I hope he continues to make progress and resists the siren call of return! And, btw, go easy on yourself...if you came from a verbally abusive home, you didn't have a good baseline to begin with for making the distinction b/t functional and dysfunctional...if that's not too psychobably! I also think that to some, an n-family can have its charms (in the beginning) because there's so much interaction (too much) and attention (of the wrong sort and for the wrong reasons). What can see like caring can eventually be revealed as manipulation.
And HAH! Anybody who considers themself anything...Christian or whatever...and needs to tell people about it are immediately suspect in my book! In this sphere, it's all about action.
ELISE: Mmm.
"They doted on my mother...to the point of smothering her, it seems. She lacked for nothing."
Now THAT's interesting. I often wondered how my adoptive cousin ended up such a flaming N (and later, wildly bipolar). SHE was overprotected and smothered and behaved like she was the center of the universe. Still does. Her poor daughter.
Oh...the gift that keeps giving! It's a gift! No, it's a Diss! And you said it. It's all about proportion. We had a babysitter once who was six foot and she was absolutely gorgeous. She was large framed, but not at all heavy. She looked terrific in everything she wore and I always loved the fact that this girl of 24 wore high heels and had perfect posture. To me, and my girls, she looked like some sort of goddess. Sigourney Weaver is no waif and she's amazing. But it must have been very difficult not to be helped to see one's unchangeable stature as beautiful and something to celebrate and not just "too big" because one's mother can't see beyond herself.
Nina said: "ANONYMOUS: One develops such a warped view of the world and relationships in a narcissistic family. And I think it takes a lot of time and DISTANCE to break free and break the cycle. For your sake and your DH's, I hope he continues to make progress and resists the siren call of return!"
Thank you. It has been 6-7 years since he started to admit he was verbally abusive. He is making progress but it has been excruciatingly slow and painful. He is still in counseling.
Nina also said: "And, btw, go easy on yourself...if you came from a verbally abusive home, you didn't have a good baseline to begin with for making the distinction b/t functional and dysfunctional...if that's not too psychobably!"
Oh, yes. I knew my family was messed up, but for a long time I bought the "press" that my DH had the perfect Christian family. FIL is a pastor and all that. This is why I spend a lot of time reading about Ns, verbal abuse, what the Bible REALLY has to say about evil people and how to identify them, etc. I need to reprogram completely. I am trying to lose my naivete without falling into the trap of cynicism and bitterness.
Nina: "I also think that to some, an n-family can have its charms (in the beginning) because there's so much interaction (too much) and attention (of the wrong sort and for the wrong reasons). What can see like caring can eventually be revealed as manipulation."
Yes, absolutely! The NILs were actually very nice to me in the beginning. It was only later when I started to have my own ideas that they started to target me. I didn't see what was really going on for many years.
Nina: "And HAH! Anybody who considers themself anything...Christian or whatever...and needs to tell people about it are immediately suspect in my book! In this sphere, it's all about action."
See, this is what I had to learn. I never dreamed that people who called themselves Christians would have such a huge dichotomy between words and actions. I believed everything they told me. I think I should get some kind of Most Gullible Person on the Planet Award. Now I ignore the words and look for the actions.
Thanks for all your kind words and validation. They really mean a lot.
Ah Gifts!
My nMom used to decide that I would collect things. Seriously. One year she decided that I would collect snowglobes that she would buy for me. Another year it was a certain set of dishes she liked, dishes from her childhood, and I'd get a package from eBay every other week. Never asked me if I wanted to collect these things.
We lived in apartments at the time and had NO storage place for these crazy things that were under the bed, under the sofas, filling up our closets.
I remember once my daughter got a snowglobe, ran with it and fell, breaking it over herself, and instead of asking if my daughter was cut (she was), nMom was so upset that I had let her get ahold of one, and which one was it? "Oh, I had to look a long time for THAT one," she sighed, when I told her which one.
Everytime we visited my parents we were also expected to haul away their junk surplus. My mom would always shop for herself first, bring everything home, and then weed out her own collections by giving stuff to me ... thereby making room in her house for more new stuff.
Heaven forbid we told her we didn't have room in our car to take an old lamp, or that we didn't want to strap a chair to the roof of our car. Suddenly the chair, which we had never known about or asked for, became something else "she had looked so hard for" and she "wished we had told her we didn't want anything."
Of course, when we told her we didn't want anything, she looked at us like what kind of snotty mood were we in today? What did we mean, we couldn't possibly want anything? It just did not compute.
I even had her angry at me once because they had a basement flood and it ruined a carpet that "was meant for me, but I hadn't ever come to pick it up, so now it was ruined." So let me get this straight, I don't even know you buy a carpet for me, you don't tell me it's there, you get a flood, and it's ruined because I never came to pick it up .... um, okaaayy ...
Lol. After about 5 I stopped getting surprised gifts and had a birthday budget. 100 dollars a year to spend on what I want. I kind of helped starting this when my mom gave me some things I absolutely hated. Last year I tried having surprise presents with the 100 dollar budget one last time even made a list to choose from to surprise me. Lo and behold she goes off the list and she gets me a puzzle. (I am a TCON)
Well for the next year it is back to the budget lol. Always the budget. Complete miser with our family then gives someone something she bought for 50 or 300 dollars and that much money is a big deal.
When I am out of the house I will just say I don't want anything from her. That should be a good agreement if she keeps to it. Miserly enough I think that she can.
Garfield
This certainly explains a lot. My mom is always giving bad gifts that are centered around her and her likes, not mine. She loves to sew, I despise sewing. But that doesn't stop her from giving me sewing products, patterns, and now 3 sewing machines (none of which have ever been used and sit in the garage collecting dust). I am pregnant with my first child and she keeps giving me stuff that she says I "need" even though I have told her repeatedly I don't need them. I have over 60 receiving blankets and have told her over and over again I don't need any more...what does she give me at my shower? Ten more receiving blankets. She took my baby registry and called me up complaining about the items and questioning my selections. At my baby shower as I was opening her gift she announced to the room that she decided to "overrule" me and purchase a different bedding set because the one I picked out was cheap and not girly enough. She asked me many times why I did not register for a baby pillow and I told her I didn't want one because they are suffocation hazard and I don't want one in my daughter's crib. What does she get me as part of my baby shower gift? A darn baby pillow. Needless to say every single item was taking back to the store.
BLUE: Sometimes, it takes me awhile to catch up on comments made to earlier posts...but I'm always delighted and surprised that people actually find and read them!
Okay. That's weird. What would anyone do with more than a couple receiving blankets? And while your mother may not be up on the latest safety info. re babies, you'd think she'd be delighted that YOU are. But in all of this...it's about her preferences. I'm curious. Was your mother always this controlling? That's pretty darned extreme. And exhausting, I'm sure. I know you've thought of this, but her behavior is pretty alarming if it's predictive of what you can expect when your baby actually arrives. Does your mom spend any of that energy on YOU...she seems so focused on STUFF...ya know?
When my daughter was born, n-dad SAID he was so excited...but he never spent any real time w/the baby...made her brief hospitalization a drama about how upset and worried HE was...and every time he'd visit, he had some sort of health problem that demanded my attention. Obviously, he was threatened by the baby even if he didn't clearly articulate it.
All I can say to you...based on personal experience is...do whatever you must to protect your time with your baby b/c you'll never get it back. I hope your mother will be able to share the joy...and not ruin it.
I realize this is a 2008 post but...
Well that suddenly made the distinction between someone who's super pushy and someone who's a narcissist. Having fought hard for my individuality with both types, I could never make that distinction. Anyway, n-parent sent me and my brother small gift that was neither horrible, but was still relatively neutral. It just so happens that brother and I have similar interests that the n-parent has.
First it was this electronic fish that made sounds - made by Japan. Something techy.
Then there were the Japanese comics we were into. Here's where it gets interesting. The comics go in sequential order, volumes 1, 2, 3, etc. We loved the presents, but at volume 67, we got tired. And told dad many times we didn't need the gift. But he still got it for us anyway.
As it turns out, he didn't exactly get it for us. Esp. since we stopped asking for it. The way my non-n-parent describes it, he has a tic - if something comes in a set, he needs to get the whole set (also a great business strategy for all you business people out there!). And this comic book series hasn't stopped for 13 years, so he's going to keep buying them until they're done.
In this case his intention was to satisfy some need in himself, not necessarily to get something for us.
As to the subject of gift giving, I am generally a horrible gift giver. I practically have to work hard to remember things like your favorite ice cream, birthdays, etc.
I guess the distinction between me and a narcissist is that I know this. lol.
Okay, this post is old and maybe you're off somewhere having forgotten it. But it hit home. Last time I went to visit my N father (and it may well end up being the official last time, as I'm currently not taking his calls) we had this conversation about what birthdays and Christmases were like when I was a kid and how I was all about the presents and was sooooo insanely happy to get stuff.
I couldn't take the false mythologizing and for the first time corrected him. I told him that the only reason I acted happy was because that was the only reason he gave me presents- So he could be the guy who made the kid act happy. And I overreacted as desired to whatever it was I got.
He actually got angry. "No. You are wrong. You liked it. You are lying."
"Actually, Dad. I just told you- I was pretending then. Because of it, I have this whole phobia about presents and would prefer not to get them at all, and open them alone if I must have them."
"You're making things up. You got overly excited about things. You were so spoiled. Now you're just ungrateful."
Sigh. And he wonders why I don't take his calls. As for the gifts, this year I got an ugly scarf and a book about people who could have been great but weren't. I'm sure they were both hints.
Thank you.
One Christmas, I was given cotton balls and other assorted crappy dollar store items. Later that evening mother went gambling.
My NPD mother-in-law used to send me boxes upon boxes of used sheets & towels with blood stains, urine stains, thread bare & with holes, along with a note "thought you could use these". My Mother-in-law did not have dementia, and was in fact a very wealthy woman. This was my punishment for obtaining my Master's degree & adopting a child not to her choosing.
Cant tell if my mom is n or not. Maybe a hoarder. She was a single parent. As a kid christmas wasnt so bad. I think she had donated gifts so we god a bike once. Mostly it was clothes. Since around 16 holidays were non existing because she worked for double pay. Then she wanted to do Christmas after. I remember realizing I wouldn't get normal gifts anymore. Was stuff like a Texas onion maker, expired sweets with weird flavor combonations still with a price tag like they were from the dollar store, frozen banana fudgr popcicle maker, 10 pairs of the same oddly shaped tshirt but in different colors. Then i stopped taking christmas seriously. 3 years ago she gave me 30-40 used cook books, so i can learn how to cook. She got very angry because i never took them all home. 2 years ago she had presents for me wrapped i never picked them up. This year she exploded. Didnt wrap them up, but gave them to me in grocery bags yelling at me for being sorry that i dont like her gifts
My N mother gives weird or insulting gifts too. She always gives a ton of stuff, and brags about all the special stuff she bought, but it is always wildly inappropriate. But everyone knows you are not supposed to complain about gifts because it is the thought that counts. And if you do she feigns upset, and tells everyone how ungrateful her kids are after all the trouble she went to. I'm supposed to gush and be thankful, like a nice girl. Every year I end up with hideous and insultingly over sized clothes, multiple packs of diabetic socks, black and white movies I have never heard of, and when I was 25 she got me a baby doll which she made me pretend to feed for a picture in front of the whole family. She always makes sure I know that she got everything off the previous christmas clearance rack, and if I mention the enormous size she will say, "oh, I didn't even notice. I just grabbed the last one off the rack, but you will probably grow into it." My brother recently got a care package from her which included scotch tape, a hand full of McDonald's straws, and half a cereal box. I am not kidding.
Every birthday gift I've received from my N mother for the past 10 years has been a regift or a hand-me-down, and she will tell me what it is before she gives it to me. One year for Mother's Day I bought her flowers and gave her a coffee mug my then 3 y/o daughter painted for her. My mother stated she did not buy me anything for Mother's Day, and then proceeded to pull out 2 dripping wet, thorny roses from the bouquet I bought her and tried to shove them in my daughter's hand, instructing my daughter to give them to me. I pushed them away because I didn't want my daughter to scratch her fingers on the thorns, so my mother essentially threw a tantrum and started crying because I was being ungrateful.
My mom has always been a bad gift giver. She has never made any occasion special but still wants you to tell her how great her present is and how much you love it.
I am on this blog today because for a Mother's Day this year....she gave my two sisters and I a small black metal nail file! She even wrapped them. I really don't care if I get a gift or not but would rather nothing than a nail file. It feels like a diss. She also got drunk on Mother's Day and cried to my mother in law while everyone was in pool TRYING to enjoy the day! We include her and my dad to family things but she always seems to do something to ruin the day!
If I invite her to special occasions she ruins it but if I don't invite her I feel guilty! I can't win!
My birthday is this week and I am already feeling like I am getting depressed. She wants to take me to lunch but I don't want to go with her! Last year for my sisters birthday we let her come even after we had just started talking to her again. She acted like a brat all day. She wanted everyone to do what she wanted. She didn't want to eat where my sister wanted because she said she could not watch us eat meat! She is supposably a vegaterian but I know she still eats meat. When the waitress came my mom told us she would go outside for a walk while we ate lunch and left! This was my sisters 40th birthday and we just started talking to her again!
Recently I told my mom how badly she behaved for my sisters Bday ....at first she said she didn't remember....then she said she was maybe drunk. I told her it really hurt my sisters feelings. She still has not apologized to my sister:((((
I can let go of all the things she has done in the past but do not see any change in her. She has joined a church and church group and says it has helped her. It has not!
It makes me sad that I will never have a mom I can confide in or get advice from. My sister and I don't talk to my other sister because she is just like my mom. My mom over the years has triangulated things so much. They both want us to pretend we are a happy family and talk about the weather. Take put downs and disses. I cannot do that anymore.
In the past, I did everything my mom wanted me to do. Now I don't...I have awakened but sometimes I think life would be better if I would have kept things like they were. I am stuck right now and it sucks! I know one day she will not be here and I wonder if I will regret feeling like this? Why couldn't I just be the better person and let her get her way? Give her all the compliments she needs.
I don't like the person I am when I am around her because now I see her so clearly. I have no respect for her or my dad because now I see they are not who I thought they were.
Sorry I have gone on and on. It is just very hard and sometimes I wonder if I am the crazy one!
They view everyone else around them as cardboard cutouts, not people and so they make no effort to understand anyone else unless it is of strategic value and even then they still can suck at it.
A lot of the time they basically presume their opinions/tastes are THE correct opinions/tastes so you should just like what they like and if you don't your just basically wrong. Not only that, your disagreement undermines their "flawlessness" and so they must counterattack in some manner.
Nik.
Nervous to write this because as a daughter of a Nmum I really worry I have traits and come across as someone who is ungrateful and can't be pleased. I'm an only child and I appreciate to many I have been spoilt... Which makes me feel worse. I've grown up with nmum buying all gifts and these were ALL sale items no one else wanted. As an adult, I've been gifted things meant for children. I've received clothes in her size, clothes she wanted me to wear, totally thoughtless gifts, gifts that aren't really gifts (do you buy people spoons?) I've had things wrapped up in luxury boxes that don't contain that item. At best I think she has a compulsive sale discount shopping adduction... At worst... Is she trying to hurt me? I've spent my whole life wondering... And being so upset. I now fear opening gifts, they just make me feel so bad about myself. I feel like my own mother couldn't care less. And then I feel true shame I feel all these things. When I was little I'd be told to write a letter to santa. I used to think santa hated me because I didn't get the barbie doll. I got all kinds of things a child wouldn't want. And we weren't poor... Money was definitely being spent on her! I also had a narcissistic ex, he bought me a wok after 4 years of dating. At the time I laughed it off but looking back (and now knowing MUCH more) I can see it seems to be something narcissists do. On our first Christmas, he took me to 3 clothes stores telling me he'd found 3 dresses but didn't know which one to get me. One shop was VERY expensive. I was flattered but embarrassed by the cost. I think it was obvious I liked this dress the most. He made me go in and try it on (just this dress). I admit I said he didn't have to spend so much. In the end he bought me something from a supermarket. Looking back I think it's a very weird thing to do.
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