I think I'm witnessing something scary. Something ominous. A relative, Sue, is evolving from a self-centered woman into one of those narcissistic parents that drove us to the blogosphere in the first place.
An attractive, fit woman of 50 who spent most of our "conversation" talking nonstop about a) all the fabulous, organic meals she makes; b) how super intelligent and tall her 4-year old son is, thanks to her excellent parenting; c) how hard she works out and how hot she looked when she got all dolled up to go out and how heads turned! and d) again, how her son is smarter and taller and more charming than other kids and how she gives him daily doses of imported, organic fish oil for his brain.
Perhaps the most pathetic part of our talk came when I confirmed that my youngest teen is a size O, when Sue asked if she was still tiny. Sue immediately responded that she, at 50!, was only a size 2 and then when on about the amazing muscle tone in her upper arms.
That floored me.
That a 50 year old woman would feel the need to compete, on some level, with a teenager.
I'm predicting that Sue is fast developing into the type of mother who sees her child as an extension of herself. She's already very controlling and is overly invested in his "intelligence" which is a direct result of her parenting skills. When he dances, he's going to be the next Timberlake or when he sings in the car, he has perfect recall of the lyrics and can carry a tune. Woe be the kid if he turns out just an average student or refuses to wear the Ralph Lauren chinos she buys him. I don't think she's a full blown narcissist. She's not without empathy. But I got to wondering.
In some people with narcissistic tendencies, does having a child push them right over the edge into a narcissist?
As her son gets older, she's talking more and more about his intelligence. She honestly seems to think he's somehow different than other kids. Destined, at the age of 4, for the Ivy League (of course, she wants the best for him). Recently, when he had a tantrum and screamed he hated her, she threw a tantrum, too and called me crying, looking for reassurance. How could he hurt her like that? she wanted to know. After all she does for him! And I felt sick. She didn't seem to grasp that he's four and was probably tired and pissed off he had to clean up his Legos. She didn't grasp that it's her job as a mother to stay calm as best she can and comfort him, no matter what.
Is this how it happens for some people? A rather self-centered parent who knows she is aging begins to tap into her child as a new source of validation?
11 comments:
Hi Nina,
Perhaps your friend's N traits layed dormant until she spawned??!!
I pity her son!!
Elizabeth
...."organic fishoil for his brain."
hahahahahahahhhahahhaha! No wonder I'm stupid, I never got any fishoil! hahahhahhahaha!
But honestly: how many parents have children because they need validation or they have someother ulterior motives? Isn't having babies in itself an act of selfishness? (no offence to anyone, I'm just a bit disillusioned right now).
My story: my birth was strategically planned by my mother to get the upper hand on my father in their divorce. A deus ex machina. About as far away from real love as you can get. bah!
ELIZABETH:
It's actually my SIL.
Hah! SPAWNED! I swear, I just spit out my coffee. Yeah, I pity the poor boy, too. Hopefully, his Dad will be able to offset some of her behaviors. Already, the boy flees to him for comfort because Mommy "is being mean." Now that I'm thinking about it, here's another good reason why women shouldn't have babies past, say, 45:menopause and pre-school age kids aren't a good mix!
ANONYMOUS BOB: Hey, me neither. Wait a minute! Maybe we did, except it was called Cod Liver Oil and it was used as a tonic.
Fair point about having children as narcissistic. Actually, there's a line of a dialogue about this in the movie, Across The Universe. Although, as a woman, I think that there's something to be said about the bio clock going crazy because when I hit my late twenties, I came down with a bad case of baby fever. There's nothing like a squalling baby to snap you right out it. And whatever little narcissistic fantasies one harbors about one's own child are pretty much DASHED when the kid hits the pre-teen years. As it should be, mind you.
You've got to be kidding me! I've heard of such things, vaguely, but no one has ever said...hey...that's what happened to me. Strategically planned. Yuck! Is this something you figured out for yourself or did your mother let the howling cat out of the bag???
My parents thought nothing of bringing two children into a miserable marriage...they just needed someone to love them and adore them, and they weren't getting that from their spouse. It's a dark moment when one makes the connection that what we were in the relationship was not beloved children but glue.
Billie,
Well, like glue you must have been stretched to your absolute limit. That's really heartbreaking. And food for thought. I'm beginning to realize just how sterile and one-sided was my own parent's marriage and how I might have figured into the equation.
...as if that "glue" worked anyway, Billie. If a marriage is under stress, children will only do it in faster.
I was supposed to be the baby that saved my parents' marriage. By the time I was two, they were separated and off having affairs and winding up for their bats#$t crazy divorce, which lasted for years and wasn't done until ten years after their separation.
AHH yes the memorable messy divorce.
I had both parents filling me with dirt about the other. They had NO regard to the fact that they were causing me unmentionable hurt & pain, as long as they succeeded in turing me against the other. They both wanted me to testify in their behalf!!!!!!!! Can you imagine?? The f*&king audacity??!! I told them they would have to supena me, and guess what Dad had no problem with that. I am SOOOOOOOOOOO glad I cut myself off from these emotional sucking monsters.
Oh yeah, I super dumb, I never had fish oil & I don't eat fish.
Elizabeth
If a narcissist in a somewhat stable marriage is a nightmare, I can't imagine one threatened by a failed marriage or divorce. Sounds like you all had to bear the brunt...on top of carrying the already heavy load of being the unfortunate "spawn" of difficult parents!
Narcissists probably aren't that way their whole lives. Actually, teenagers are naturally narcissistic, some people maybe just never grow out of it.
My amother was a very driven, competitive, perfectionistic person. Being a housewife and mother is not a good career for such a person. I think her narcissism developed out of this tension, sort of. If she could have gone to medical school, or run her own company, she might have been a happy person.
Wanting to have a child isn't in itself narcissistic, I think. But making that child live as a testament to your superior parenting, is more than narcissism. It's actually worse, maybe. Poor kid.
My dad always wanted a lot of kids. He didn't think about how being raised by my mother would effect them. Thank goodness she didn't let him have more than two.
Also the story about your friend showing off about her kid. I hate it when people do that especially when other kids are present. There is this guy my mom is friends with that just drops by and he talks as though his son is a genius just because he can cook a grilled cheese sandwich etc. Also this guy is a pack rat and very messy. His house is stacked full of stuff and filthy. I feel sorry for that kid.
Garfield
Ugh, so sad. What's truly sad is that these people are loathsome even as equals, peers, to other adults. Just thinking about how toxic this kind of N can be to a child is just...scary.
Where's my therapists number???
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