A couple narcissistic parent survivors made some comments I'd like to quote here, as they really got me thinking.
The first has to do with getting together with our narcissistic parent.
Long before I figured out that I wasn't just cold and selfish and a defective daughter, that my parents were self-absorbed in the extreme, I'd feel sick with dread at the prospect of spending time with them. It's one thing to read about this in a book. It's another to have adult children of narcissists describe in detail what that feeling is actually like.
I think Roxtarchic captured the reaction especially well when she wrote:
"i know how that "due at his side for dinner" feels... i bet everyone who visits here, feels it all to well... the dread, the sickening in the pit of your stomache, my shoulders would tense to the point of snapping and my sciatica would trigger... it was a whole body "revolt" trying to prepare itself, like a warrior going into battle, gearing up for the inevitable episode... other people visit w/their family... we have to endure."
Of course, having had to endure such a parent over such a long period of time, it's not unusual that some of us begin to ask...why the hell do people like this live so damned long?
To be honest, it's something I ask myself with increasing frequency. How long is my father going to remain on this earth? I'm all tapped out. With every day that passes, I'm becoming less available to emotionally caretake him. I'M getting older and I'M becoming less patient, less willing to give and not receive after a lifetime of getting the short end of the chi-chi stick.
So it was with great interest that I read the following theories, which I'd like to share with you:
Enilina wrote:
"My Christian friends like to say that God is giving these people the time and the chance to repent and change themselves. In their less generous moments they say God doesn't want these people in heaven, and neither does the devil in hell. I say that the mean people live longer because they've dumped all their negative feelings onto someone else so their own body doesn't have to deal piles of stress.
The question of why mean people live so long reminds me of the old saying “the good die young,” and like most old sayings, has a basis in fact. Take for example the military: top performers are usually the ones who get put in the most dangerous/critical jobs because they are the top performers, so they die faster than their less impressive contemporaries. So the natural selection process is that the best people rise rapidly or die, leaving less experienced and less capable people at the lower ranks. I believe the real world is also a reflection of this."
Roxtarchic wrote:
"i think mean people (esp narcs) live so long because they let it all out, w/out any filters while the more human of our species tend to bottle it up... hold it in... or back at the very least (& then there's the whole spite factor that oughta carry em a few years at least)"
11 comments:
I don't care how long my parents will live. I'll just continue to work my way out of this mess and I won't let my development be dependent on my parents or anyone else.
At least that's what I [b]try[/b] to do. :P
I think Roxtarchic is right on the money. He vomits everything out and dumps it on us. So he doesn’t get the ulcers or the heart attacks. My Dad has been agitated every single day for the last seven months. That includes my Mom’s diagnosis, her operation, her radiation and chemo and her death followed by his time alone with himself. He doesn’t look any older to me that he did seven months ago. He is 90 without a lick of dementia or Alzheimers – just bloody narcissism. My husband thinks I am wrong and that he has aged ten years over this period. To me is looks like a lion ready to pounce (albeit in a walker or a wheel chair). This guy is going to live FOREVERRRRRRRRRRRR.
Hmm... I think some of them are just plain scared to die - they know what they have done...
katherine... i think you are SOOOOOO right about them being scared, altho in my naf's (narc alchie father) case i'm not sure if it's mtg his maker, or it's just something he can't control or manipulate... i swear that fear of death made him QUIT drinking... like it was nothing.
anon i'm sorry and anonbob, i think i can i think i can i think i can, i can (you'll do it)
& thank you nina for acknowledging my thoughts/feelings, its great when that happens!
ANONYMOUS BOB: I think there's MUCH to be said for trying to make positive changes in OUR lives before our parents pass on...while the challenge is still "with us." I'm very glad that I finally learned to set some boundaries where my father is concerned. Those baby steps can feel much bigger sometimes and are quite significant and satisfying!
ANONYMOUS, All that agitation isn't good for you - certainly! - but it's probably not any good for his health, either. He may just keel over one day. But I totally understand your fear that you're actually dealing with someone who appears invincible, evil and immortal!
Katherine: That hadn't occurred to me...probably because my father says he's had enough and wants to go and I believed him.
ROXTARCHIC: Sounds like with your father that it was a case of Scared Straight! And you are most welcome!
My mother has been talking about how much she wants to die for years. A year and a half ago, she got sick and was in a coma for a few days. She was mad when she woke up because she said she just wanted to die. But I also see the fear in her, sometimes...
Nina: Yes you know I don't want to be pessimistic but who knows who will die first? We don't really know. I'm young, but I might die tomorrow. (knock knock!)
And another thing: if I was to wait for my mother and father to die before I could have a good life or start working with myself I would be giving my parents power over my destiny. I would continue to be at their mercy like I was when I was a kid. Why should they control how I feel? Isn't this what we're trying to get out of - our parents controling our lives? When we were children we had no choice, but when we're older we can say "no, I will no longer let my parents control me".
Lol I haven't lived long enough to see my nightmare parent getting old yet but ironically I was nearly driven to suicide by her. I found out that I just couldn't hurt myself and so here I am. Ironically I look forward to death particularly on the awful days when my mother turns into a monster.
It will have to be a natural death or an accident though.
Anonymous, May 12 said,
"To me is looks like a lion ready to pounce (albeit in a walker or a wheel chair). This guy is going to live FOREVERRRRRRRRRRRR."
Before going NC with my father he told me that he probably wouldn't see another holiday and I jumped on the opportunity to say to him, "Oh, you'll live a long time because God is not ready to be told what to do yet!"
I agree. They know what they have done deep down. My mother is like this and in her "final glide", toward death. We still have no appologies from her or even a hint of remorse. It her, her, her 24/7. She even said these words to me shortly before entering the hospital: "You can't get around me. I'll come from the grave." I have a hard time finding empathy, even though I'm terrified of the imminent loss.
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