Okay. Some poor soul found this blog by Googling, "narcissistic parent reaction to my cancer."
I can just imagine that reaction.
And I can just imagine how that reaction is dragging you down at a time when you've got enough to think about.
While I've not had cancer, I once had to have a biopsy. I made the mistake of telling my narcissistic father. This was before he developed dementia. I told him because I was scared. I guess I thought that this would be The Event that he'd pull it together and offer comfort and reassurance. Wrong. Instead, he demanded to know who'd take care of him if I died. I could go on. But I won't. He had no empathy. He then hounded me asking the results of the biopsy. Not because he was worried about me, but worried that I wouldn't be available to help him in his old age. I then had the additional burden of trying to reassure him. This was long before my father was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder.
Of course, not all narcissistic parents would behave in such a way.
My self-centered mother turned my few illnesses into her dramas. How worried she was when I broke my arm or had to have a suspicious forehead lump removed when I was a kid. What I was putting her through, how terribly upset she was. Yet, she refused to stay overnight with me in the hospital because it was too uncomfortable and boring.
A serious illness has a way of pulling off the the mask of the narcissistic parent. To our surprise, there's nothing much there. Just lack of substance. But maybe, just maybe, the person who Googled this topic found their narcissistic parent actually supportive? I suspect not.
74 comments:
I am currently in therapy and just recently (days ago) realized that my mother has NPD. Reading your post reminded me of when I was on life support for four days because of an asthma attack. My mother was by my side during those four days, reveling in the drama and sucking up everyone's condolences. As soon as I woke up and was able to breath on my own, and the attention was turned toward me, she was gone, never to visit again during the remainder of the hospital stay. She was not even able to pick me up upon discharge. I am sorry to hear that you were adopted by two narcissists....my best wishes and positive thoughts are sent your way :o).
ANONYMOUS: Welcome to the club, newbie. The similarities of our experiences as adult children of narcissists continues to astound me, although there seems to be a wide range within that spectrum of behavior. Your mother's (shocking!) behavior seems so perfectly narcissistic - a classic example - that it's worthy of an entire chapter in a book about n-parents.
I wish you well on your journey of revisiting your past...with newly opened eyes!
I also had a scare with possible cancer. When I told my mom about it (hoping for some support) she just disappeared. No email replies, no phone calls. Because there was some kind of mixup in the hospital, I didn't get my results for more than two weeks. Everything was O.K. I called my mom after three weeks to tell her the good news and to ask her what happened with her - why she'd gone quiet. She told me she just hadn't been able to talk with me because she had been too worried. "I was soo worried about you that I just couldn't make myself pick up the phone..."
Should I get sick now, or if my daughter would get sick or my husband, I would never tell her about it. It upsets me too much that she is so uncaring in a situation when I need her the most, and I would not risk being hurt again. I don't count on her support anymore, emotional or otherwise. I think it's a good idea to stay away from an n-parent if at all possible if one is ill and extra vulnerable.
Thanks for a great blog Nina.
Abi
When I got sick, my narcissistic adoptive mother wouldn't take me to the doctor.
She would have me put an aspirin under my tongue and go to bed. I was on the swim team as a kid. I had constant ear infections, but not one trip to the doctor. She was always too busy.
ABI Can you imagine NOT calling your daughter for three weeks with results like that up in the air? No way! Yikes. I made the same vow, too...after my father proved he was incapable of empathy and support. It's sad to think we can't expect them to be there for us...but at least we can be pro-active and protect ourselves against further hurt during an especially vulnerable time, as you pointed out. We'd need all the positive energy we could muster! I don't know about you, but I rarely get sick and if I do...I don't like to rely on the help of others.
KIM: Adoption adds several unfortunate additional angles to this whole narcissistic parent thing. The first is...why did we get stuck with them. The second, did they adopt secretly hoping they'd have someone to take care of them...who would HAVE to be grateful? The third, would they have treated a biological child in such a manner? Would an aspirin under the tongue have been good enough for bio spawn? Would my mother have left her own child in a hospital all by herself after surgery? We'll never have the answers, but they're haunting nonethless.
Oh, you can count on N parents. You can count on them 100% to never, ever be there for you!
Nina, I have known a couple of adopted women who were adopted by N parents. Would a bio child have been treated the same? Yes, because the essential problem is that these people can't love--it has nothing to do with the child or who the child is as a person. In one case there was a bio kid as well, and he was a complete alcohol and drug addict.
It's taken me a long time to realize that my brother, who looked to me like the "golden child" growing up, has not received one more ounce of love from my mother than I ever did. Because, it's simple--she can't love. She may have acted out her inner despair with grandiosity (glorifying him) or viciousness (demonizing me) but the source of it is the same--it's her fundamental inability to be a real person. Same with my dad.
I've been through a handful of horrific events in my life, the apex of which was being raped by someone who was HIV positive (and yes, I am OK and well and thriving today). My N parents don't know about this. Even as much as I went through, I knew better than to tell them, because I already knew that anything that made THEM look bad was off limits. And my suffering would do one of two things: encourage them to attack me, or use my personal pain as a drama to draw attention to themselves. Neither was something I was going to let happen.
N parents don't take their kids to the doctor because it makes them look like parents who are less than perfect to have a sick kid. Yes, this is twisted, but it's how they think. That's also why they can't deal with illness or vulnerability in their children. For one thing, they regard a child as defective for being vulnerable. For another, they resent the attention and care the kid gets. It's sort of the polar opposite of Munchausen by proxy, which is another N related syndrome, at least it appears to be to me.
The big thing that all of us with N parents need to repeat to ourselves 100 times a day is this: It is not us. It is THEIR problem. We have our own set of problems from dealing with Ns, of course, but in most cases, being unable to love isn't one of them, thankfully. I doubt anyone on here would leave their kid to go sick or hungry or untreated if they were hurt.
We absolutely must keep reminding ourselves that it is not possible for us to fix such a person. We can choose to interact, or not, with them, but in a way what we really need to do in order to live our own lives is give up all hope of ever having that relationship with them, grieve it, and move on.
Wily
when "wily" said..."That's also why they can't deal with illness or vulnerability in their children"..... it just hit me, my mom & siblings were in a car accident... their car was hit by a bus, everyone was okay (sister broke a leg) but in the hospital i remember my npop not being able to go in the room where my brother was, (he had a concussion & i picked the glass out of his hair while he was groggy), he wasnt comforting my mom & my sister was sleeping off the anesthesia effects and i don't remember much about seeing her that night... but i DO remember he wasn't able to do much other than be angry (and its funny i dont remember it more clearly i was 16)...
i also remember when i fell out of my big girl bed... and slammed my chin on the hardwood floor & it split & there was a lotta blood... he screamed "oh my god her face, she's ruined her face"... i was 4 or 5 funny that i remember this more clearly than that hospital & car accident aftermath... (oh & my face is fine, never even needed stitches)
but any mention of MY ailments, even during the pregnancy before i stopped speaking w/him... there isnt room for them, he's too busy listing and detailing his own... they arent even relevant to his reality anyway
Before NC, my mother had a bizarre attitude towards my illness. I have rheumatoid arthritis, and have been hospitalized a few times in the past years for blood transfusions. Now, I'm saying this as background, not because I want the attention of the audience. I have moved through the different stages of dealing with my disease, and what restrictions I have to place on myself, etc. The main point is that I am not defined by my disease. My NM, on the other hand, is defined by her aches and pains.
I would go to her house, and after a laundry lists of complaints about her various ailments, she would get around to asking how I was feeling. I would reply fine. She would act shocked, and try to wheedle from me a complaint, admission of pain, something. I finally told her I don't want to talk about how I feel physically on a daily basis, since it doesn't usually change and it's rather depressing to continually discuss it; that if I always talk about pain and such, I might start only seeing the negative. She was quite offended by my reaction. It was like I was invalidating her, or that the only way she knew to relate to me was by illness. I had been her sickly kid, and I do believe she adored the attention of being percieved as a doting mother. I have mentioned before that her illnesses for the most part have been self-created, and I do not pity her. So by taking away the power for her to pity me, I had set another boundary, one that was eventually used as an excuse to "punish" me.
Here's a good one:
my husband is going blind ( genetic- disovered in his thirties) my mom says:
I have to wear bi-focals.
Uh, huh...
Narcissists do take their children to the hospital. I knew one who soaked up the attention fater his surgery and then proceeded to order a surgery that was not necessarily needed for his child. I learned about this later from the ex-wife who was not informed of surgery until afterwards. Surgery proved tobe unecessary...
Yes, it happens on both ends of the spectrum: the N who will not help a child, and the N who gains attention by having or making a child sick (that's closer to MBP). What both have in common is that the needs of the parent are the only thing the parent is concerned about and the needs of the child are incidental.
wily feminista, I'm so sorry for what you had to endure, and glad to hear you are thriving today in spite of it. I knew I would never reveal to my parents if such things happened to me, confirmed when we saw the movie Prince of Tides, the scene of the mother covering up the rape of herself and of her daughter and son, basically sentencing her children into irreversible mental trauma, my mom said that the movie mother did the right thing. Ug.
While my narcissist father complained to me how my autistic sister ruined his life, my n-mother martyerred herself to the nth degree caring, teaching, and advocating for my sister, and I totally brought it hook line and sinker. It was the perfect excuse she needed to neglect me because my sister needed so much care, and yet mom always found several hours every week to lecture me on how stupid I am instead of helping me with my homework.
Once I announced that I was taking legal guardianship of my sister, it was like taking a wind out of her sail. She visibily deflated from her tirade and tantrum she was having with my other sister, which took place the night before her wedding.
Since then my mom has nothing to do with my sister's care, claiming that she "doesn't want to rock the boat." Yeah right, because there isn't any reflected glory in it for her.
Thanks enilina, for your support.
Ah yes. The martyrdom thing deserves a special mention. "Feel sorry for me because of all the ways in which you made my life difficult." What child of an N doesn't know this one?
If you are sick, you are supposed to feel bad for them because you made them worry. If you are going through a divorce or some other painful event, you made them feel disappointed. The variations go on and on. You did good by "taking the wind out" like you describe. This is the only way I have found to deflate the N parent--to simply take away the things they derive power from, like taking a toy away from a dog that's getting aggressive over it.
In fact,now that I'm thinking about it, many of the rules of good dog ownership training apply equally well to how to frame our interactions with Ns.
Grins and hugs,
Wily
Man, it is SO interesting how we each have such similar stories to tell. In a way it is just so comforting to know that what I went through with my mom is not anything unusual when it comes to N parents. I just wish I knew there were people just like me in this world for the last 33 years of my life! It would have made me feel so much less alone. To all of you, I am deeply sorry for the treatment you received at the hands on your N parents during your illnesses/scares/times of strife. I am not any different than you (shocker!). Just after I had my second miscarriage (after rounds and rounds of painful fertility treatments) my mom and dad were visiting. My mom said with a sinister little laugh "you should just go buy a baby at a garage sale". Whaaaaat?!?! What does that even mean? Needless to say, that set the ball in motion. She had been cruel before, but never so blatantly. The funny thing is, she is a nurse. But whenever I was sick when I was growing up, she acted so put out and annoyed. Having a miscarriage was nothing different. Two months later it was Thanksgiving and she was being absolutely horrible and I realized right then and there that I needed to extract myself from this horrible situation. It's been since November of '07 and I haven't seen or spoken to either my mom or dad since.
My N mom would never take me to the doctor either, no matter how sick. I can remember once waking up with a horrible sore throat. My father looked at me and told me I needed to stay home from school. He left for work and when my mom woke up (she was a stay at home mom) and discovered I was home, she went into a tirade. She was screaming at me because she had plans that day to go shopping with her friends and could not be home with a sick child. She accused me of purposely ruining her plans, and saying that she deserved to have a life. She made me get dressed and go to school. That afternoon my father took me to the doctor and it turns out I had strep throat.
As a teenager I contracted a severe case of food poisoning, at least that's what I think it was. I don't know for certain because she wouldn't take me to the doctor. I was vomiting for 3 weeks straight and lost 20 lbs. I could not keep anything down, not even water. But would she take me to the doctor? No, because I was just faking it.
In a way I blame her for my father's death. He had not been feeling well for quite some time, and his ailing health was apparent to everyone but her. My father who normally ate like a horse had no appetite. He had a stroke several years earlier, so he was not able to do a lot of things on his own and depended on her. My husband and I both went to regarding our concerns with my father's health. She said he was just faking it and wanted attention. My dad was losing weight, was very pale, difficulty breathing, and was having dizzy spells and would pass out. At my wedding, he almost passed out twice. After that I made an appt. for him and spoke with my brother to make sure he went to the doctor (they live in another state). Well that didn't happen because my mom cancelled his appt. He died a month later from congestive heart failure. The autopsy revealed that he had probably been suffering for months before his death. I have a hard time not blaming her because I can't help but wonder if he would still be here today had he received some kind of medical attention.
Of course she could go to the doctor for every piddly little thing. A cough, a sore finger, getting a skin tag removed from her neck. She's a major hypocondriac. She just turned 50 but if you heard her list of ailments you would think she was pushing 90. There is always something wrong with her. And as soon as one thing gets fixed, then she develops another problem
Wow blue...are your and my mom twins?
Hypochondriac...well, anything for positive attention. The N has to have positive attention, so the roles you'll often find them in are:
*patient (medical, mental, spiritual)
*victim/martyr
*hassled parent
*Mr. or Ms. Perfect Fill in the Blank
*"I've been learning about myself" (this is one they use to suck us in if they happen to go to therapy and learn that language--note that it is not an apology, just another chance to talk about themselves in a way likely to invite positive feedback)
*selfless person who so thoroughly supports XXX cause or a special needs child that no one can say anything bad about them
there are many others, but they all be similarly small and weak inside.
wily
WILY: What a terrifying ordeal! I am so sorry. If many "regular" people tend to blame the victim, I can just imagine the reaction of narcissistic parents...somehow they would have found a way to make you feel guilty.
I've said this before, but it bears repeating: adult children of narcissists are incredibly strong people...even if we don't recognize our own strength. We've had to prop up our parents AND ourselves.
ROXTARCHIC: The examples you gave really highlight how totally inappropriate are the reactions of a narcissistic parent. There is no basic instinct that is unleashed by a loved one's accident. Your father couldn't sit at a bedside and hold a hand and pat it reassuringly...nor could he pick up you and hug you and check for boo boos. For you, he probably just terrified you with his screaming. It's no wonder that OUR reaction to suffering an illness or an accident or some other misfortune is to say...oh, no big deal, I'm okay...I'm okay.
PAVLOVSCAT: I don't know a thing about RA, except to have heard that it can be just awful. I wonder if your mother became such an achy-and-painy person to better effectively compete with you? Because no matter what YOU had, hers just had to be worse. I think that was a marvelous way to put your mother in her place. But you mentioned that by setting this boundary, she used it as an excuse to "punish" you. Please feel free to elaborate if you're willing!
6/23 8;48 ANONYMOUS: OMG! I can just imagine the tone of voice in which your mother said that, too! I'm sorta imagining a slightly aggrieved tone...as if his disability somehow offended her?
ANONYMOUS/HOSPITALS: Good point. Narcissists certainly do not act all the same way. From the stories shared here, while there are astonishing similarities, there are also significant differences, too.
ENILINA: That was a great way to sum up your mother's attitude toward the care of your sister: reflected glory. If she couldn't talk about how she was martrying herself, she wasn't interested in her daughter. The one thing that continues to horrify me is the coldness of our narcissistic parent...how quickly they turn on us if it suits them.
Blue, my n-mother also refused to take me to the doctors, saying that I was "exaggerating" everything. I know how frustrating it can be and I agree with what other people have said about just not telling n-parents about health problems. It ends up leaving us vulnerable and broken hearted when our needs aren't met.
I broke my finger when I was about 10 or 11. It was all crooked and super swollen She said it wasn't that bad because I could slightly move it and that I was just trying to get out of doing chores (which she still made me do). In fact, it was two months later, when I went with my brother for a check up, that the doctor happened to notice my finger and told my mom I needed X-rays. She was very upset, but she couldn't very well look like a bad mother in front of other people. My crooked finger is a daily reminder about how my n-mother never cared about me.
I also had a situation with a severe sickness. I'm pretty sure it was pneumonia. I was coughing up fluids and it was excruciatingly painful just to breathe. After about a week, my loud wheezing and coughing fits apparently got on her nerves. She, very angrily, asked if I needed to go to the emergency room. She said it in a tone that I took as "you'd better not." I was too scared to say yes because she had convinced me that it was probably nothing and then she'd end up paying all that money for nothing. Since I said no, she then assumed I was exaggerating and just trying to get attention. I was ordered to stop coughing and breathing so loudly because it was annoying everyone else.
When I was 9, my mother decided I wasn't "allowed to have asthma anymore." She threw all my medications away and told me that it was all in my head. When I went to her late at night wheezing, she became angry. She told me that if I really believed in God, then I wouldn't have asthma anymore. I was sent back to bed convinced that if I only loved God enough, it wouldn't hurt so much to breathe.
Ah, you’re so right, feminista, about taking away the things that the narcissists derive power from. A few months ago my mom was on a belittling bender. She brought up my inability to speak mandarin and I knew she could get A LOT of mileage out of it. So I downloaded a bunch of how-to-speak-mandarin lessons onto my ipod and showed it to mom, pretending I had this for one year and not one day. That took another small wind out of her sail.
Wow chloe, we know how these n-parents can ignore and neglect their own flesh and blood ease and deny our emotion and feelings, but to be denied even to breath!? To drown on dry land?! They really don’t want to be bothered or inconvenienced!
BLUE: Your mother's excessive concern for her own health is so hard, intellectually, to reconcile with her utter lack of concern for her own child's. The narcissistic parent's lack of empathy continues to blow my mind. It must, at its essence, come down to that...that they really can't SEE or ACKNOWLEDGE the reality of other people...except as how it impacts them. I'm sorry to hear what happened to your father and yeah, I'd be blaming her, too. She did cancel an appointment. Reading between the lines, I'm guessing by this time your father was probably a) too weak to assert himself and b) used to being controlled by her? There's also the "man factor" and health. Some men hate seeing a doctor, even when very sick, and refuse to go. I know of a 50-year old man who died while gardening because he'd ignored chest pains for several days...and refused to heed his wife's pleas to go the doctor. In any case, I can see where your father's death fills you with "what ifs" and "if onlys"....
Enilina,
Well, you are one tough chick. I looked at your blog and you have definitely put up with it. But even the Hindenberg, as big as it looked, was just full of hot gas. Just like your mom, and my mom, and the moms and dads of all who post here...
Nina, yeah, the lack of empathy IS astounding. I personally have recently decided not to give the N the credit of saying they "can't" empathize. That makes them sound like a poor little victim who just can't help it. I'm not sure I believe that. It seems to me that while I can never know what goes on inside the twisted little brain of the N, what I can SEE is that even if they "could" empathize, they don't. I'll never know what my mom or dad CAN do. I know what they DO do, though, if that makes sense.
My mom is a war refugee, my dad grew up in an abusive family--did they come by it honestly? Sure, but then again, I grew up with THEM as parents, and I'm not like that, you're not like that, others here are not like that, so how much of this is choice, the choice to not be that way? I have a lot of questions about that. One of the objections I have to medicalizing this stuff via diagnosis is that it relieves the person of all responsibility for who they choose to be and who they choose to become. In the old days there were just mean selfish people, and that definition still works just fine for me.
Blessings,
Wily
My dad is the one of the worst n-parents when it came to any of my brother's or my ailments. My poor brother was my dad's primary target. He had suffered for years with horrendous stomache problems which caused him to miss lots of days of grade school, and in turn, high school. My n-dad would scream at him and humiliate him and tell him that it was all in his head and he was fine. This went on for years. Well, things got to the point where my brother couldn't stand up or even get out of bed most days. Our family doctor could never find any "real" problem from the tests she ordered. (She is no longer my nor his doctor!) Well, long story short, my mom took him to the Cleveland Clinic, all the while my dad insistent upon the fact that he was making it all up. It only took two days for the doctors there to diagnose my brother with Crohn's disease. He subsequently ended up having surgery to remove 12" of his colon and had to drop out of college and spend 2 months at the clinic for observation. If his condition had gone unchecked for much longer it could have developed into colon cancer.
What did n-dad do? Well, not once did he call my brother (and we both still lived at home) at the hospital, let alone make the 1 hour car trip with my mom to visit him. I guess the surgery was all in little bro's head, too.
Just as reprehensible was my dad's treatment of me when I suffered a miscarriage. He offered absolutely no words of comfort to me or my husband, rather, he preferred to pretend it had never happened. This happened in '05 two weeks before Christmas, so our holiday understandably, lacked a certain merriment, if you will. That didn't stop n-dad from making a scene about why I wasn't making a huge deal over the pile of crappy gifts he had managed to summon up enough energy to order out of a catalog. (N-dad is also a legend in his own mind at gift-giving, all of which are almost laughably pathetic). Gee dad, do you think that the reason I'm not fawning all over the teddy bear-emblazoned sweater set is because I just lost a child? (please, teddy bear sweaters? I was 27 for God's sake!) Nope, good old dad just kept shaking his head at me and grumbling under his breath about how I just didn't appreciate anything and how it it's always something when it comes to me. Now that I remember a bit more (I try not to think of things that relate to the miscarriage) I was also given a Magic Bullet blender kit that year. It's a cool gift and all, but I think that old dad figured it was a wonderful consolation prize for losing a pregnancy and couldn't get why anyone could be glum when they had a Magic Bullet mixer.
There are so many more stories about n-dad and our childhood ailments but those two stories showcase it best how he dealt with our medical problems.
My heart goes out to all of you that endured similar treatment, or still are. There are a lot of us, and we are safe here. Let's all help each other as only children of narcissists can.
Nina, THANK YOU for providing a place for us to meet and share our pain. You are an angel.
My dad had suffered a massive stroke years prior that left him unable to do a lot of things on his own. It caused mental and physical damage. He wasn't bed ridden or anything, but he did have limitations. He couldn't drive and got confused easily and forgot things. He couldn't get to the doctor on his own or fill out paperwork. So he depended on my mom to do things for him. At that point I think he gave up and just let her control him. Of course this just gave her one more thing to gripe about. After his stroke she would always complain how his stroke ruined her life (like it didn't ruin his), how it cost her a job (she's never been able to keep any job for more than a year), and it cost her all her friends (what friends, she goes through those like kleenex). After we got married, my husband and I had discussed seeing if we could convince my dad to move in with us. We saw how unhappy he was and we were concerned about his health which she was not. But we ran out of time. At his funeral she was even complaining to mourners about how his stroke ruined her life, he'd been "faking" that he was sick before he died because he wanted attention, etc. Really hard for me to control myself and not punch her. I know that when she got the autopsy report back and it revealed that he really was sick it was a blow to her. I hope she feels some guilt over ignoring his health, but I doubt it.
Can u just move? Change your name, telephone number, and leave the state? And not look back?
I'm just kidding... kind of.
Back 28 years ago,as an adult, I tried to tell my mom my symptoms of illness because I was concerned that I may had contracted an illness because my household had shared the drinking water with the man in our neighborhood who contacted amebic dysentery and who wasn't sure where he had contracted it.I was having bloody diarrhea.
My mother called me a b**ch and ran angrily out of the room at my voiced concern.
I had been trained to not respond to her anger towards me for shattering her fantasy and said nothing back to this outburst. There was no use -she always won in our family.
I too am a child of an N parent. I have illness stories I can share, but this story pops into my mind even though I was not ill. So please forgive my semi-off-topic comment? :)
I once broke of an engagement just 6 weeks before the wedding. It was a terrible time for me just discovering that I could not marry my fiance because he was exactly like my controlling N father. I thought that I loved him and he loved me, but alas...I was just convenient for him because he needed to get married before he got sent off to flight school for the Air Force and his dating options would be nil out there. Anyway, I broke it off and my N father couldn't stop yelling at me saying "you are doing this because I am in a high position at church and you want me to look bad", I yelled back "this has nothing to do with you!" and he refused to listen to me and continued to verbally and emotionally beat me up for ruining his life. He called me an old maid (at 27) and that I would never find another guy who would marry me, and that after I die (unmarried) he would testify against me in heaven telling God (or whomever) that I had my chance to get married and that I denied it, so I need to be punished accordingly and not be able to enter the highest degree of heaven. (where he and the other righteous married people would reside). My father is off the charts Narcissistic, but also has a "Holier than thou" attitude if you understand what I mean. I wonder if there are others out there who have N parents that act like they are spiritually better than anyone else? This has always bothered me.
I realize I have a very narcissistic father and have been abused my whole life. I am very happy to find your blog where I can read others experiences similar to mine.
I wonder if there are others out there who have N parents that act like they are spiritually better than anyone else?
Oh boy, do they ever. I believe the narcissism gets worse when religon is thrown into the mess.
My parents are atheists and likes to mentally beat me up for going to church. However, my mom can turn pro-God on a dime if it is to show off her specialness. For example, couple months ago mom was on an anti-divinity kick and constantly saying that only weak and stupid people go to church and that there is no God. But the moment something good happens to her then wha-la! God exist because He targeted her for the good happenings.
I received this email from mom when she is visiting my autistic sister for the first time in 12 years...
"CeCee shows her affection, it is not only a breakthrough, her filial piety flatters me, for an old mother like me still receives a grown child's true, pure love, it is exceptionally marvelous, God must exist, CcCee's pure love seems like God's true love."
And it was not unusual for her to be God-does-not-exist in the morning and then God-must-exist in the afternoon; typical narcissist that she doesn't even notice the contradiction because only her world and her reality matters and if I don't go along with it then it is my problem, not her's. Narcissist wants and demands to be loved and adored without earning an iota of it.
For awhile Tibetan Buddhism totally fed mom's and dad's narcissism, especially when the monks scanned them for past lives (after paying thousands of dollars of course) and revealed that they were European princes. I couldn't help but snidely remark that past lives stories always involved glamor (royalty, famous generals, etc) and never about having been a starving peasant or a galley slave.
And Diane, welcome. Your dad sounds like an absolute nightmare who uses religion/church to prompt himself up. Imagine the horror if the country was a theocracy and he worked his way up the ladder. He would be an unstoppable madman.
Sorry Folks...Playing catch up.
Went on a summer cleaning/gardening binge...probably to avoid my n-dad, who's been calling every fifteen minutes. He seems to be going down hill fast...now that he know he has dementia. His doctor broke the news to him and, of course, it's really rattled him. But he's now blaming the doctor for not finding a cure and refuses to see him. Hard to tell if this is dementia...or the way he is. He's always taken against people...including every doctor he's ever had. I'm worn out trying to reassure him...and freaking out the assisted living facility will ask that I move him to a nursing home.
OKAY...BACK TO YOU!
ANONYMOUS WITH THE NURSE MOM: Your mom is a NURSE??? Oh, the temptation to psychoanalyze is just too hard to resist! Was she successful in her career? Maybe her lack of empathy actually worked to her advantage...allowing her to perform her duties without emotional entanglement?
On the other hand, your mother was unable to share any appropriate experience/advice/wisdom with you regarding your miscarriages. I had several myself before finally have my two kids (although not w/o bleeding, bedrest and other challenges) and I can remember how devastating they were. If someone had said something LIKE THAT, well, I think it would have precipitated no contact. You absolutely made the right choice. If she attacked you in such a vulnerable state, she'd just do it again.
CHLOE: It's a wonder you actually lived to tell these tales because it seems like your mom did everything she could to kill you off. Is this NPD...plus? If there's such a thing. Delusional? Is she excessively religious? The whole bit about Believing in God as the Cure for Asthma is...is...I don't know what. But ENILINA had some really interesting ideas about the dynamics b/t narcissism and religiousity. (Lurv Enilina's comments!)
PHOENIXTEARS:
What really struck me in reading your story is how your father acted so put out and offended by your legitimate feelings of grief. I know this is one of the traits of narcissistic behavior. My mother behaved similarly when I was upset, but it's easier to SEE when it happens to somebody else...and how AWFUL it is...how damaging. If you are reprimanded for expressing genuine emotions...what happens to US and our emotional life? Well, a whole bunch of nasty things: anxiety, depression, anger, to name a few. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the consequence of this constant dismissiveness of our feelings is a sustained attack on our souls.
BLUE: Your poor Dad. Instead of getting a funeral in his memory, it simply became an occasion for your mother to highlight her martyrdom. I'm sure people caught on to that and were turned off. Yuck. Hopefully, she's feeling some guilt...if she hasn't somehow figured out a way to blame him yet again. Which I wouldn't doubt.
6/29 ANONYMOUS: Yikes.
You said a really interesting thing. You said your mom always won in your family. I just want to say I soooo get that. I've seen it happen and I totally understand how absolutely maddening and frustrating it is.
My cousin is bipolar AND a destructive narcissist. My adoptive family has ALWAYS rallied around her...making excuses. "That's just the way she is"; "She can't help herself, poor thing...she had cancer and she's afraid it'll come back"; "She doesn't mean it" and, most importantly, to her long-suffering daughter, not one ounce of sympathy, acknowledgment or support that her mother has used and abused her. Well, except from me. And I want to acknowledge YOU and that in some families...it's like the system is rigged in their favor!
DIANE: First, CONGRATULATIONS for breaking off your engagement to a self-centered nightmare! You avoided perpetuating the cycle of n-abuse!
Is your Dad LDS? If so, you've dealt with a double whammy. Narcissism AND the whole churchy male authoritarian thing. of course, not to pick on any one religion...having experienced this myself in a Mexican Catholic family. But I've seen that authoritarian churchy man behavior in action and it's a doozey. I'm sorry.
Hi Nina,
Yes my Dad is LDS, although I don't blame the religion, just my N Dad and all of his issues. He is 72 now and I am starting to feel pity for him instead of hate. Which I never thought would happen.
Breaking of my engagement to my N ex-fiance was the best thing I have ever done!
Enilina,
Power hungry Narccisists are what's wrong with this world! :)
Hi! my late husband was diagnosed with NPD, i found out threw going to his personal paperwork after he died. he was a gynecologist drug addict and convinced me at the time to inject myself. I stupidly did so and when i got really sick from the pain killer effects he would look at me with a sadist face like if i was lying and crazy. after his drug overdoze i was left to clean up his mess of fraud and owing people money just after 4 months of marriage.
Hello everyone,
I'm currently trying to work out what my parents are. I'm pretty sure my father is an N and maybe my mother too.
If anyone links to my blog, be aware my family reads it ;)
On topic, whenever I come out with an ailment, my mother ALWAYS has to top it. If I say I have a headache, she says something like, 'I've had a migraine for five days.' She never ever sympathises. I'd never even bother to mention an ailment to my father as he would just snort and go inot another room.
Hi guys,
I'm an occasional lurker here, it's such a comforting place, thank you, all of you!
I just thought I'd share this story. My brother got really ill once, REALLY ill. My mother sent him to bed and got on with her day telling him that his body would deal with it. After he started to intermittently hallucinate and had trouble breathing he dragged himself down the hallway to where my mother was teaching and told her that if she didn't take him to a doctor he would crawl to one. The doctor took one look at him and sent him straight to the infectious diseases section of our local hospital to be quarantined while they ran tests. My mother's reaction? Anger at being embarrassed in front of her student, and frustration that my brother would be bedridden and dependent on her for six weeks. He had a severe case of glandular fever.
In my case I suffered from day time incontinence, funnily enough, it primarily occurred at home. After getting fed up with being embarrassed by her daughter my mother finally took me for exhaustive medical testing. They found nothing and recommended I see a psychiatrist. Did she send me? Oh no. I might have told them something about my home life that showed her up in a bad light. I have never forgiven her for it, and often wonder what my life would have been like if she had taken the doctor's advice and I'd received mental health treatment earlier. And I STILL suffer from a sudden urge to urinate when I reach the door of my own house. I STILL associate coming home with anxiety and fear, even when home is now my safe place to be.
My mother now suffers from alcoholic dementia and I want to forgive her before she dies. But how do you even start to forgive them? Where to begin? I doubt I ever will be able to. Thankfully, reading this blog and it's comments helps me realise that I don't have to, that she doesn't deserve it, and that not forgiving her is ok.
Cheers
Emma
my N momster would always get angry at me as a child when I was sick or in pain. One night I woke up and I was sitting on the closed lid of the toilet, with my N momster slapping my face. Apparently I was sleep walking, and she decided that the only way to get me back to sleep in my bed was to slap me on the face until I "woke up."
As an adult, I have some serious health issues. At one point, the doctors decided to get me tested for MS (multiple sclerosis) - I made the mistake of telling my N momster - her immediate reply was "I will send out an email to the entire family and let them know."
It was more important to her to be the center of attention and tell everyone this horrible news than to respond to me.
I feel bad for all of us who were unlucky enough to be born to or adopted by these people.
I consider my momster an evil, cruel person (lots of physical abuse as a young child from her), and I haven't spoken to her in over 8 years.
Oh, one more story- someone related this to me when I was an adult- she was my momster's friend at the time. When my little brother was about 2 years old, and going through the biting stage, one day, when my momster's friend was there, my brother bit my momster. Immediately, momster grabbed him and bit him on the arm, drawing blood- as a way to "teach" him not to bite anymore.
can you say sick and twisted????
her momster is about 100x worse.
i suffered from headaches from being a young teenager,they continued to get worse...my parents used to say i was a drama queen(after having a fit at work),it as all in my head and i as an attention seeker.My older brother made me an appointment to see a eye docter because i was having double vision.My parents response was that i was purposely putting them out on a saturday,that they had better things to do.They decided to take me,the docter looked in my eyes and i was taken to the hospital straight away.my parents spent the whole time telling me to stop being pathetic.My dad told the neurologist he had bad headaches much worse tham i ever did.They said they needed to do a brain scan straight away.My dad wanted me to leave but my mum knew then we couldnt and refused as always did as he said.the ct scan revealled a large brain tumour.im ok now.my parents response was ...if she gets brain damage from surgery it will ruin our lives,shel never leave home.through all the symptoms i was never taken to the docters.they never ask about it.Act like it never happened.
Thanks so much for having this type of blog, I appreciate it and looks like so many others do as well. My last N-STRAW that broke the GIRLS BACK :) so to speak was actually this year believe it or not (at 34!!) I had multiple viruses and strep throat, had a 105 fever, have 2 young sons under 4 mind you (I stay at home so I am SOL when it comes to days off) my mom who was living in my town at the time, and NOT working
was downright ANNOYED that she had to come while I finally went to the doctor, I could barely drive I was shaking so much
ended up having a EKG as the fever was so high and my heart was getting disturbed, finally was sent home with oodles of scrips
realized she had called TEN TIMES every 10 minutes "where are you" "how much longer"
I finally get home (all of 2 hours all told) barely walkking not YET filling scripts and she is standing there with her keys in her hand going "oh whats wrong"
I tell her "I have multiple strains of strep throat and viruses, am not to be around the kids, I need medicine"
she takes her hands to her throat with a look of HORROR and disgust, accidently says "oh I can't get that"
turns on her heel and goes "I guess I will see YOU when I cannot PAY for my apartment......because I am not able to FIND A JOB"
(realize mom has oooooodles of cash and does NOT need to work, get real)
so she just blamed my illness as HER not being able to find a job! UNREAL
then LEAVES
me alone with 2 young children under 4, shaking and no medicine
I call my husband who was OUTRAGED at her (this was our last straw)
and flew home. He felt like SHIT because he thought he could count on this woman who he has helped OVER AND OVER
oh and then the reality is that the bitch had to leave to go shopping for some week long "trip" with her "new boyfriend" and was horrorfied to get sick and ruin her "week".
Sitting waiting for my husband to get home, holding my 4 year old , shivering on the chair, almost seeing double and not being able to move was life altering
I thank you GOD for that illness, that has started the path to my recovery and finding my SELF
thanks for listening
love to you all
I just found your blog by "both parents narsissistic", poor you. I only experienced a narsissistic dad and a narsissistic stepmom. Hell it was I can tell ya.
I became the center "failure" to bash and blame everything on as I am a high functioning autistic person (discovered myself lately) and do things differently anyway.
They two manipulated us childrens feelings and I as autistic persona, don't obey the norms of feelings. They took it as a personal attack towards them and torture me and pay back.
I had a car accident many years ago and when I got to the hospital by ambulance, my narcissistic mother was there (and allowed in the emergency room). She was causing so much trouble (and directing the attention to herself) that she actually PREVENTED the people from doing their job (meanwhile I was on a stretcher covered in blood :)Finally, they had to threaten to throw her out, if she didn't shut up and get out of the way.
She then pretended to faint!!!
Of course, none of this helped me. Jeez, she could have taken my hand or comforted me or... *suddrnly waking up from my delusional fantasy*
These people are so sad they are almost funny...
oh my, yes... I recognize this.
I thought I was seriously near death when I was a little girl and hospitalized for heart tests in a different town. Mom carried on so much about it--and yet rarely did she show up to visit me! I was 9, alone in a strange hospital and town. When I got home, my room was a mess and Mom told me to get busy cleaning it as we needed to switch it back right away, since the Dr said my illness was not so serious after all I must go back in the room with my sister.
I have experienced this first-hand many times and have recently come to accept that my mother has NPD. She came up to 'help' me after back surgery 5 years ago but never set foot in the hospital or lifted a hand to help at home. The day after I was brought home she demanded that I drive her around to all the shopping malls (which ended up actually being safer and easier than fighting her). 4 years ago, when they were up for Thanksgiving, I told her and my father that my Hep C which we suspect was transmitted through vaccinations in childhood, had caused disease induced cirrhosis. And that I had been told I had ~7 to 9 years to live. My husband and I were in such distress, I thought they would at least be sad. However, my mother started hitting me and forcing me down on the ground to crawl at her feet blaming some ficticious deed on my part! She decked my husband when he tried to help me up off the floor and then started calling the police and screaming that my husband had hit my father! During an episode last week (yes, I still love them and am working hard at the relationship because my brother is a worse Narcissist and he won't take care of them in their old age) my mother chased me down the street in my dad's pickup shreiking foul obscenities, burning the tires off on the curb and trying to run over me. She was yelling "I'm gonna' flatten you!" "I'm not your mother" and other craziness. She was hitting me and then calling the police to tell them that I hit her. My terrified husband witnessed this abuse of me, a rickity disabled person on a cane, over an open cell line from 3000 miles away. When she realized that, she screamed to him "you're not my son-in-law anymore!" There was truthfully no disagreement that precipitated this and we are baffled at how to proceed with the relationship. I have been the brunt of my family's scapegoatism for 50 years. It has to stop, but I haven't the least idea how, short of never speaking to them again. Frankly, I'm not so sure that would stop it either. Any ideas? It's gotten much worse in her old age. My dad just goes with her flow and denies how abusive she and my brother are. Of course, it thrills mom that my brother mistreats me, so he and I have been estranged for the last 5 years.
I think maybe you should ask yourself whether or not you actually need them, if you don't, leave them. It sounds like your mother deserves to be cared for (or not) by your brother. Your father ought to be ashamed of himself for standing by and letting it happen.
If you don't need them, if they give you nothing but injury and anguish, then make it clear that you will not tolerate being treated this way ever again, and leave.
"Would an aspirin under the tongue have been good enough for bio spawn? Would my mother have left her own child in a hospital all by herself after surgery? We'll never have the answers, but they're haunting nonethless."
Nina:
Yes, they would. I think in certain ways Ns react more vehemently to ill or "imperfect" bio children b/c they are viewed as a portion of themselves - somewhat annexed to their own egos.
I am so surprised (not that I doubt the full horror of what you went through) that Ns even adopt @ all - b/c they seem so obsessed w/ their own progeny, their own "perfect" genes.
They (Ns) seem to deny illness, that's for sure. When I finally tried to kill myself (not a cry for help, I really wanted to die) at age 15, N dad sprung into action as the empathetic soul in front of stepmom, sibs, and grown kids from previous marriage, painting me as the crazy kid who didn't know how good I had it. Then, instead of keeping me under the care of a nurse in the hospital, he volunteered to stay with me & then verbally berated me until I apologized to HIM, and HE fell into MY arms crying about how I almost killed HIM.
Then, when the [rather smart] therapist caught on to the family dynamics, I was cut off therapy, and drugged instead. The only time my dad interacted with me all day was to drug me out of the severe depression that he had induced.
I still feel disgusting thinking about when he found me half-conscious, kissing my back so intimately and saying, "Oh darling, there will be better days." Ns create chaos and then appoint themselves the hero when they minimize it.
So strange - nothing bad has ANYTHING to do with them - everything good is b/c of their greatness. Sick. Sick. Sick.
"i suffered from headaches from being a young teenager,they continued to get worse...my parents used to say i was a drama queen(after having a fit at work),it as all in my head and i as an attention seeker."
My borderline (form of narcissism) mom used to do that to me. Dad was N; mom was borderline.
She did it over earaches. In the 4th & 5th grade I would get really bad ones & she would go, "Oh Lord, the drama!" while it was so bad that I could not walk.
Nina:
Actually continuing on post before last, I just realized something. Maybe N parents ARE worse to adopted/stepchildren. I could never figure out why N dad was harder on me, more critical and hateful of me than other siblings. Maybe it wasn't just that I asked more questions, and am the most analytical of the kids. See, I've always suspected that he's not my bio dad. I look nothing like him, I'm taller, etc. Maybe he sensed (or at least feared) that I wasn't his kid, and infidelity is the biggest blow to a man's (especially N's) ego.
My BPD mom was promiscuous, you see. Borderlines have various compulsions: gambling, food, sex, spending. Lucky me, my mother had issues with food, spending, AND sex.
Even if it so happens that I expressed my mother's traits more than N dad's, & I am really his, it suddenly makes sense as to why he was so hateful. Not being his mini-me (on top of the fact that I challenged him) made it harder to break my will & annex me to his sick ego.
Nina, I can't imagine what you've been through. I wish I could give you a HUGE hug. I really do. Adoptive N parents. Jesus Christ. Because they get to look like altruistic people, HEROES, to the outside world, & probably no one knew what you went through.
You are truly amazing for creating this resource for other ACONs. Amazing woman. Thank you!
I am reading this and shaking my head because I could have written it. When I broke my back and also injured my spinal cord and was lying in the hospital after major emergency surgery my dad showed up for a couple of hours. He said one thing to me, only one: "do you love me?"
I don't know why it has taken me so, so many years to understand that my parents narcissism is what caused so much unhappiness and problems for me - my life. I always thought if I could just try better, do more figure it out that they would see me. No, my job was to pay attention to them always and be a good listener and praise them and nothing I ever did was good enough. My mom is dead now but she never allowed me to have anything of my own. Even when I was an adult she would rearrange my house, take my clothes, call me names and throw tantrums even in front of my children. My father tells me that I force him to tell lies about me because the truth of who I am and what I do (I am a teacher for special needs kids) is too embarrassing to him. He gets really mad and says that I have made a lier out of him. I have not been allowed in his home for 20 years yet he calls me to tell me all about his accomplishments and tells me how much he loves me but won't come to see me or allow me in his home because he says his wife doesn't like me. If I write an email or letter the only thing he does is correct my spelling or grammar and never responds to anything I have asked or said. When we talk on the phone he will tell me all the wonderful things that he is doing and then has to run and never asks a question about me. He has an explosive temper, too, and sometimes it is hard to tell what makes him go off. I remember almost nothing at all of my childhood and the things I do remember are so horrible I can't write them down. I had to keep my fathers secrets - his sexual exploits were something he liked to tell me about even when I was as young as 8 and he would tell me my mother had a sexual problem and was sick. Both my parents drank too much and that could really get bad. One time my father split his head open and I had to clean it and bandage it because my mom wouldn't do it. I was 10 years old. Blood was everywhere. My dad was a big executive and owned his own business - he is well-known and he appears to be very, very charming and he is smart so I don't think anyone would ever believe me if I said what he was like to have as a father. One time my mom and dad made me take a shower with my father. It was my father's idea but my mother went along with it. It was so terrible and I feel sick and also like I am betraying him to write this down even now. I was 11 when that happened but I don't remember anything after getting into the shower. I have blanked out so much. Now I want to be done with my dad. I really do and at the same time it is so hard. He continues to be horrible to me but I never see him - I just don't want to keep hoping that we will one day have a nice father daughter relationship. Like an idiot I have held onto hope that we can heal things and I can have a father like the one I imagine. Intellectually I know that he will never change - so why can't I just say goodbye and be done?? I really need some help.
I am the one who posted the one about breaking my back (very badly and a spinal cord injury) and in his short visit all he did was want to know if I loved him . . . didn't do anything else AT ALL . . . He just leaned in real close - as I was unable to sit or even lift my head (for months) with my entire back fused and held together with rods and bone taken from my hips - and said in my ear, "do you love me?" I looked at him and he looked angry and said it again, this time loud enough for the others in the room to hear. He left shortly after - flew home to D.C. and never came for another visit even though I was in the hospital and a rehab for 6 months. My mom was dead at this point and I was going through a divorce when I had the accident.
I want to thank you for having a place like this for people to share their stories and get such kind and supportive responses. When I started reading these I was amazed . . . most of them are so familiar and so much like my life that I can't believe it. It really is helpful.
All of these stories sound so familiar and I find a lot of comfort in knowing that I am not the only person who had these experiences. It feels good to know that I am not crazy after all.
I am a graduate student and earlier this year, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphom. When I called my mom to break the news that I had cancer, the first thing she said was, "Well, what is going to happen to all of that money we gave you to go to grad school?" This statement did two things: 1) minimized the importance of my disease and feelings of fear/sadness associated with a cancer diagnosis 2) flipped it around in order to berate me and boost herself.
She said things like, I'm a disappointment (having to leave grad school in the middle of the semster for treatment), how I waste money blah blah blah... how much this is going to put THEM out etc.
When I was diagnosed with cancer, my husband and I were already struggling financially, so we were forced to move in with my N- parents temporarily. They said that they would "pay for everything", since we both had to quit our jobs/school in order to move closer to a treatment facility. When I told my mother (who is a two time breast cancer survivor...that is story for another day!) that I wasn't going to wear a wig (simply because they're so damned expensive), she absolutely flipped out. She told me that I can't possibly know how hard it is not to have hair and that she was soooo upset about losing her hair and how a wig just made HER feel good. "Aren't you embarrassed going out looking like that? I sure would be." She just didn't think that I was intelligent enough or "experienced" enough to know my own needs. SHE knows better than me, apparently. Uhm...excuse me? I don't have hair. I think I understand what it is like perfectly fine.
The most frustrating thing about N parents is that there is no give and take in the interaction. It is only take with them. They take emotional support from you and don't give it in return when you really need it.
My cancer diagnosis becomes an opportunity for her and my father to "grandstand". As if to say: look at what wonderful parents we are! We are SUCH good caregivers, we are SO supportive. We're suffering SO much.
Yet...
My parents were late a whole hour for my surgery and first chemotherapy session. When my mother saw me hooked up to the infusion machine, she cried and made it about her. "Oh! It makes me so nauseated just looking at you!" I'M the one getting chemo here!
Yeah, I'm sure that this isn't news to you guys!
I suffered from unexplained illnesses for 13 years before figuring out I was gluten-sensitive. That was two years ago. I changed my diet and have felt better since. Also about two years ago, my mother began having serious digestive problems. On my advice she experimented with gluten-free diet and discovered that she was also gluten-sensitive. Now she tells people that *I* have had gluten sensitivity for two years. She recently expressed flat astonishment when I said my condition had existed for 15 years. Until two years ago she treated my reports of symptoms as either psychosomatic or caused by poor life habits that were my own fault (insufficient sleep, insufficient vegetables, not wearing sunglasses, etc.). Now some of my symptoms are real to her, but only the ones that she also experiences. She also showers me with advice on the condition. This is probably unfair but I feel as though she is trying to place herself between my own body and my treatment of it.
That with the gluten-free diet is really true. My daughter almost died as a baby, and a gluten-free diet kept her from losing any more weight, and I thought it was the answer. I mentioned this to my mother, and suggested she try not eating glute, My mother now insists she is allergic to gluten-, and makes a big production of it "I can't eat THAT!" She has not done any testing.
It now turns out I have a phenolic allergy to gallic acid, and my daughter to rutin (she took all the tests). Both of these allergies include wheat, but are more far-reaching. To this day, my mother refuses to understand what this means for both of us, and continues to make a big fuss about the fact that she "can't" eat gluten. Ditto in spades.
I had back problems last year on and off and one day I woke up in the worst pain I had ever experienced in my life. My husband had already gone to work (on the bus, this will be important in a minute), so I called my mom to see if she could take me to the hospital. My N / Munchausen's dad answered the phone. At this point I was sobbing because I was in so much pain and I explained the situation as best I could - asking if either he or my mom were available to take me to the hospital. His first reaction was annoyance. It's always been that way. I've needed emergency medical attention maybe 3 times in my whole life and every single time: BIG SIGH, only this time it came with an angry "(Your husband) really needs to learn how to drive. It must be so immasculating for him not to be able to drive. I've told you this a million times. He should be able to take care of stuff like this, so you don't have to bother us." I honestly didn't know what to say. His reaction to his child being in serious pain was to sigh and give me a lecture that, even if I had followed to the letter, wouldn't have helped me in this particular situation as I had the car and my husband was at work. I just tried my best to stay calm and said "I understand what you're saying, but that really isn't helping right now. Please get mom." He then made a huge deal about how he would have to "crawl up the steps" to get to the bedroom (he has confined himself to a wheelchair with no real medical reason, but that's a whole other story) and wake mom up because she's taking a nap. He says he'll call me back once he's done that. 30 minutes later my mom calls and says he was yelling up the stairs for her to call me over and over until she woke up. To her credit (even though she's definitely an enabler), she immediately came over to take me to the emergency room. Once we got there though, she decided to tell anyone who would listen about my dad's medical problems (see above re: Munchausen's) while they were trying to tell me what was wrong with me. It ended up being a ruptured disc and they were surprised I was dealing with the pain so well. Apparently I have a high threshold for pain - who knew? It kind of makes sense though. Oh yeah, one more thing - he never once came to visit me or even just call me when I was in the hospital. He ended up having some out of the blue "diabetic neuropathy" issues and was in "serious pain" - so that was the excuse given and accepted by my mother.
Anyway, thank you for this blog. It has made me feel so much better about my situation. I've been NC with my father ever since that incident because it was the last straw for me. A lifetime of dealing with his both faked and real illnesses and being the dutiful daughter has gotten me nowhere - like another poster said, I might as well try acting like the ungrateful bitch I've always been made out to be - especially since his opinion of me won't change either way. Now I just need to work on having a more healthy relationship with my mom if that's possible.
Apologies in advance for the extreme longness:
Reading through these comments, I'm reminded of a few more incidents. When I was a kid, my parents fought so much that I hated going to school for fear that my mom would leave and never come back while I was gone - thus, leaving me with my father. Needless to say, I stayed home from school a lot. I used to worry so much about this that I would become physically ill with nausea and stomach issues.
When I asked my dad (who at this point had stopped working due to his multiple falsified disabilites), if I could stay home that day because I had thrown up and I really wasn't feeling well, he yelled that I was faking (irony?) and that he was calling the school to tell them I was skipping school without his permission. He kept threatening to do this and then actually tried to physically drag me to the bus stop, but I managed to run back and barricade myself in my room. He called the school and told them I was absent without permission, but I eventually got my mom (who managed to stop cowering and knocked on my door about an hour later asking if I was ok) to call them and tell them it was ok. She then promptly forgot it ever happened.
Another time, I slipped on the ice and sprained my knee really badly. He kept saying "it's not that bad. Just take some Hydrocodone (which he somehow ALWAYS has in the house) and get over it." It took my mom an hour to convince him it was bad enough that maybe I should see a doctor. He eventually gave in, but not without a huge fight and lots of sighing and acting like I had done it on purpose to inconvenience him. The doctor ended up taking 5 large syringes worth of fluid off of it, so it definitely wasn't minor. I'm not sure why my mom couldn't have just taken me to the doctor. My guess is it's because he's conditioned her to need his permission before she does anything.
To this day, if I bring up any of these incidents (and believe me there are a LOT more) where he was in the wrong, she instantly either makes an excuse for him or says she doesn't remember it happening. I think that part is the most hurtful part - when she takes his side no matter how terrible he acts. I've recently begun to realize her role in all this, and that she's not as blameless and saintly as I used to think. I definitely did the putting the enabler parent on a pedestal thing for way too long. I've even started to realize that she has some N traits of her own, especially that talking forever, not listening, and interrupting you if you say anything thing. She's done that for years, but I never realized what it was until now - and it makes perfect sense. Oddly enough though, she never interrupts him - no one interrupts him. If you do, he will let you know immediately that he is talking and you do NOT interrupt.
hello
i realize this blog was written back in 2008, but i just found it today.
i have cystic fibrosis ( a genetic fatal disease that affects lungs and digestive, as well as other things) and diabetes.
Last fall, i was sick from the CF. I wrote on my facebook wall -- I wish i could go to bed and wake up fine, like other people do with a 24 hr bug" my NMother wrote- yeah and i wish i had a new living room set. we all want something....
I had meningitis last summer and was hospitalized, then on IV at home. I also had a newborn and a 3 year old. I was bed ridden for a month. When my N parents didn't bother to come up to visit/help of their own decision I begged them to come help with the children. My mother said she would 'come in a few days when she got herself sorted'. She had concert tickets, dinner plans and golf plans. Then *cough cough* told me she was coming down with something and didn't want to infect us. She was really painting her basement. As a child is my coughing or vomiting woke her up she would yell at me. She would yell at me if I asked to stay home from school. To this day I'm terrified to call in sick to work in case I get in trouble.
*Hugs*
Wow, where was this 3 years ago when I needed it. I had surgery for Interstitial Cystitis 3 years ago, there were a few days when I couldn't bend down and wipe down the shower. On one of those days, my N-mom got pissed because I couldn't wipe down the shower. Had to remind her WHY I couldn't do it. Yeah it was like that!
My mother has been telling me about her woes, her divorce, her hysterectomy, my father's affairs and her sexual issues when I was 9 years old. When I was about 8, she has gone thru a divorce and a surgery in the same year, and after that I took care of her, gave her meds, covered her with blankets and listened to endless complaints about love life and my father, and her gynecological issues. For years. My Mother is an artist and while she has some success and decent acknowledgement in her field, she always complained to me how underappreciated she was, and our long conversations consisted of me consoling her on subjects of her divorce, health, and art (praising her every painting), and never talking about myself. I had health issues too, but my mother was reluctant to get to the root of my constant illnesses and I continued to suffer and accumulated diseases. She was reluctant to send me to a good school because it "took time to get me there in the mornings" so I was bullied in the neighborhood school and beaten regularly. When I complained to my mother about this, she said that I need to have patience. I walked thru the dark wooded park to school every morning. When I was 9 or 10,i was chased by a child molester ( pants down, and everything) thru that park and barely escaped. He grabbed me but I turned sharp and only lost my umbrella to him. When I ran back home crying my mother was drying her hair and she told me I can wait 30 minutes and GO BACK to school. She didn't even bother to walk me there! I can go on and on. She was an artist, and expected me to get into the Art Academy. Artist friends of my Mother's taught their kids in advance and prepared them for the exams. MY Mother didn't. When I would sit down by her side admiring her work as she was painting, she would tell me these exact words:" Don't expect me to teach you. If you have talent you will learn on your own, like I did. If you can't learn on your own, you should maybe be a librarian or something." My mother, although proud of her intellectual abilities more, was always preoccupied with her looks. She had no means for plastic surgery, but all my life I helped put lotions on, remove her age spots, and had to watch her apply make up and complain that its not the most expensive kind, and listen to her complain about imperfections on her face or body-regardless of this, she prohibited me using makeup of any kind and even when I was 17 said that "natural beauty doesn't need makeup, and young girls don't need it because it makes them look like hookers." I was not given a chance to even get acne medication.. I have many, many wonderful stories to tell. These are just the few. I'm not even talking about her faking heart attacks when she discovered I was going to a rock concert or hiking with friends, about her judgement of me "living in sin" when I wasn't yet married, and how god punishes me with thyroid problems for that, or of her ignoring me when I cried from physical pain or mocking me when I gone thru a divorce with my ex, or of her always taking a side of any person who every hurt me, no. But one thing I want to say: it has been many years and I have immigrated since, and my mother was manipulating me all these years, playing a victim and making me feel guilty for things I haven never done, and in the end she outdone herself: when I became seriously ill and disabled, she announced that I cannot be sick because I'm young, and I must be "mentally ill and making it all up" so I don't have to "take care of my mother". My husband's raising money for my treatment, and my mother sending me emails telling me to "stop pretending" and how "it can't be as bad as her problems", and telling all her friends (and those who used to be mine) what an ingrate I am, how I dare to be ill when my mother needs attention and how she gave birth to me and I grew up into a monster.
I also wanted to say, oh my God poor, poor children of such sucky parents. My heart bleeds for you, so sorry to read all of this. Terrifying.
I remember my sister cutting her leg with a knife pretty badly (I was about 12 and she was 13 or 14) and my N-mom wouldn't drive her 10 mins to the hospital. So we wrapped it the best we could and I walked with her (she was leaning on me the whole way) to make sure she didn't lose too much blood. It took us about 45 minutes to an hour to get there. Yeah, good times...
I too, have just come to the realization that my mother (and both sisters) are narcissists. Two years ago I had a biopsy for breast cancer and asked my close friend to accompany me to the oncology results. I also included my husband (he had suffered a brain hemmhorage 8 yrs earlier). My mother was so angry, even though I told her that I would let her know the results right away, which I did. It was cancer and I have spent the last two years, not only in treatment, but having to listen to my mother complain about how I made it so difficult for her having to sit at home and wait for results. During the mastectomy I only wanted my adult children and husband at the hospital and once again, my mother cried about how worried I made her having to be at home awaiting any news. The following year I had a gynecological operation so she and my N sister decided to go away on vacation the day of the surgery. My mother complained how worried she was and how she had to figure out the nearest airport so she could fly home if I had complications. Neither of my two N sisters have spoken to me in almost 2 years since according to N mother, I've gone funny in the head. I could go on and on however finally realizing after 55 years what I have been dealing with has actually given me some peace and most importantly, some control back in my life.
can i ask in peoples opinions , can a narcasisitic partner (GF)react in the same way ? i think its happening to me
I am sad to say but I have a narcissistic mother. I didn't know that there was a name for the things she did. I was beaten and screamed at for as long as I can remember. That was when I was a kid. However as an adult it got worse when I had my first boyfriend died of AIDS. I was 29. I called to tell her expecting some empathy but no she screamed at me "what the hell are you doing and she hung up the phone. Well a couple of years later I found out I was HIV positive as well.That was about 25 years ago and not once has she asked how am I doing or feeling. I guess I overlooked that for as long as I could. # months ago I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. As I was about to tell her she started screaming at me as to why I didnt call her for Passover. We were not at all a religious family, mother never made a Jewish holiday dinner. The only times I knew it was Passover was when my aunt would make dinner for the holiday. I didn't know I was supposed to call her for it. I was finally able to tell her hoping for some empathy once again but she was already mad. Its been 3 months since the cancer diagnosis and she has not been helpful in any way. I was in denial of her being narcissistic but this episode only makes me realize this is what she is. I wanted so much some of her love and care. Her obvious uncaring personality is almost as hard to deal with as the cancer diagnosis and the reality that I will die without ever having a real relationship with my mother
Does anyone have any experience of what might happen to the behaviour of a very elderly female narcissist, when confronted by the sudden terminal illness of her golden adult child, who is possibly narcissistic too?
For the past two years this elderly narcissist has shown signs of cognitive decline, but has no diagnosis of dementia, which I'm pretty certain would be her worst fear. I also believe a massive effort is required by her to continue to appear "normal" to anyone outside of the home.
The adult child has kept hidden from all the seriousness of her condition and has not sought medical advice until it became critical. They are now in hospital pending results and have shown no improvement despite treatment. I think it may be too late.
Could the two situations together cause the elderly narcissist to completely melt down at this point? Has anyone gone through a similar situation and could offer me advice?
I am the family scapegoat and therefore have the role of keeping everyone and everything going.
Thank you for reading.
I am lying on my bed in absolute pain right now fuming at my n parents. Two days ago I had a two hour surgery. I had to get a friend to support me to go to hospital and I got a taxi home. My n father came to the hospital for about 15min before he said he was tired and was going home. In that time the nurse came around to take my blood pressure as it had been abnormally high for me causing a headache all day. My n father then got her to take his knowing all to well it would be sky high as he hasn't taken his bp medication for months. His little I beat you, give me attention stunt in the hospital. First day home and I'm so exhausted from Surgery I can't move from my bed. When he gets home he says I don't feel like bloody cooking I'm going out for tea.. are you coming or what. Second day home and my bruising and pain are terrible I spend my day sleeping and trying not to move. He comes home into my room turns on light and glares at me until I say what.. to which he replies what you haven't even moved in eight hours and walks off. Later on calling out to me from the living room like I'm supposed to be at his beck and call. Next day Stubbs his toe in the hall outside my room and makes a huge commotion out of it... I still won't respond. Eats the food the neighbour has prepared for me. Comes into my room so he can bitch and moan about people. This is just the tip of a mighty big iceberg. I had given up on either of my parents changing but they still shock me with the extent of their self centeredness. Mother no better just a phone call all about her.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2006. I went through 6 mths of chemo, seven weeks of radiation and five years on tamoxifen. During the first lot of chemo treatments my mother went to Paris to study French at The Sorbonne. We met at a cafe when she returned. She was dressed in red and told me that when one is beautiful, like her, one can get away with anything. I had by this time lost all my hair and was feeling anything but beautiful. I barely saw her for the rest of my treatment as she
" Didn't want to be dragged down" In fact she had written me a note telling me that the situation between us was "Intolerable." When my hair grew back my mother decided that we could again 'Be Friends" She has never apologised and continues to treat me with disregard. Just recently a friend of hers died. This fiend had stood in for my mother while I was ill and sent me many cards and good wishes throughout my treatment. I really cared for this lady too. She is being buried in a different city and I have no way to get there. I cannot ask my mother and step father for a lift as we are not speaking. I did ring her to offer my condolences but was reprimanded for being a bad daughter and told that I should remember that she is the same age as her friend and I should , therefore, do all I can to improve the relationship between us as it's all my fault we can't get on.
Hi, there. Thank you sooo much for this blog and especially this blog post, have read many comments here and feel like I'm not alone anymore.
Mother has been diagnosed with NPD by my therapist, while my father is an enabler.
They both live at home, still together, even tough they don't love each other.
Anyway, I have had a shock this morning when I found out from my brother (not an N) that my grandmother (mom's mother) suffered a shock. Anyway, he said, no one took her to the hospital because no one has money for expenses like that (they do have c'mon!).
Other insane reasons why they don't take her: she's too old, she might die in the hospital or she doesn't really wanna go.
I believe she risks losing her life if they don't offer help. I moved in a different country and started be in No contact with mom.
It's possible that she uses grannie's illness to get me back into her abusive world.
It's very hard to cope with these narcissists not caring at all about a 80-year-old woman suffering. The articles I read say narcissists can't feel empathy and can't love. Yes, but when you experience this cruel lack of humanity from narcs it just hits you hard.
I read stories here of mothers who ignored their children's strep throat or stomach aches or headaches and more serious diseases like stroke. Are they all the same??
Mom has always ignored me when I had bad stomache ache, panic attacks at home or very bad flu. I was on my own, even when I begged to call hospital once, she said she was tired and that it's not that bad.
It's so sad how they are-so cold and cruel. One can't even imagine to just leave the child in pain for weeks or with fever or throwing up (one case I read here)...horrendous.
Now I need to cry a lot and grieve the parents i never had. How do you start grieving anyway? it feels like these Nparents were not real adults but just kids being in the same household with us.
Certainly, it doesn't feel like I had real, responsible adults caring for me. I was alone and unprotected, in harm's way 24/7.
:((((
Thank you for letting me vent.
English is not my native language so please apologize me for any mistakes.
Some examples:
I was at the living room in my house, watching TV. I started to touch my breasts unconsciously because they had been hurting me for a week and I was very worried and concerned. Next thing I hear is my mom saying: "I need to have my breasts exam".
At my grandmother's (my dad's mother) funeral, she was smiling the whole time. As soon as we arrived, she started talking to everyone about how sick she was plus she also spent the whole time there in bed because she was "sick" and being at the funeral was making her feel worst. I wanted to stay with my grandma; I could not say goodbye because she refused to let anyone in the family travel to see her despite the fact that she was very ill. It was not convenient for her because my dad leaving her meant that she wouldn't have someone to take her to work (she cannot drive). I still remember my aunt (her sister) reminding her that it was an emergency. At the funeral, she yelled at me in front of all the people present because I wanted to stay and I was being irreverent. She also wanted my dad to leave the funeral to go and feed the dog even though my brother "the golden child" could do it. The dog was my brother's plus she could feed it also. She kept telling everyone that my dad did not care that my grandma died, that he had no feelings; I had never seen my dad so distressed in my life. I could go on about the funeral but it makes me angry to remember.
I had some medical exams and some of the results were concerning. I started crying; I just could not hold it because I had been through a lot. The whole time I was crying, she kept shutting me up because I was annoying her with my cry and I was trying to "manipulate" her. She was furious about the fact that I was crying and I did not understand why. It was unsettling. She claimed that I was doing it to annoy her but I just felt desperate knowing that I would have to face a sickness alone and the fact that I would be blamed and hated for it.
She told me once that if I were to be dying of a terminal illness, she would not care or even take a look at me.
If she ever senses that I might be sick, she immediately tells me that she has no money to pay for any sickness that I might have. She always downplays anything that has to do with me even with doctors. On the contrary, she gets vey concerned if it is something that has to do with her, etc...
I don't have the strength any more... :'(
My Nmom has an extramarital affair with a married man. This man got sick; he had a brain tumor or something like that. She supported him financially, ask my grandmother (his mom who is also a narcissist) to "pray" for him, etc. It was quite a shocking sight for me since all my life-threatening health concerns are constantly ignored. I am her daughter by the way and all I have ever felt from her is neglect. If I ever voice any health concern, I am immediately branded insane and she makes sure that everyone knows that I am crazy.
There are a lot of narcissists in my family, the closest being my Nmom and my Nbrother. I have grown up terrified of relationships; I feel that I attract narcissists. I dated one before and I am afraid to repeat the same pattern because it's all I know. I don't wanna end up with a narcissist as a partner; I have had enough of them. How can I know if I'm dating one? What is a foolproof method to be certain that I am with one? I already live in hell; I cannot bear another narcissist in my life.
There are a lot of narcissists in my family, the closest being my Nmom and my Nbrother. I have grown up terrified of relationships; I feel that I attract narcissists. I dated one before and I am afraid to repeat the same pattern because it's all I know. I don't wanna end up with a narcissist as a partner; I have had enough of them. How can I know if I'm dating one? What is a foolproof method to be certain that I am with one? I already live in hell; I cannot bear another narcissist in my life.
I have many stories related to health issues. However, I want to mention some that have to do with appearances if you don't mind. Since I've always been neglected by my mother, I grew up not being concerned about my appearance. I was very careless about it and only now I have started to pay more attention to it. Taking care of myself has helped me to heal, in a way, because I feel that I'm worth being taken care of. As a child, my mother would constantly berate me for not dressing nicely... haha, funny thing is she would buy these clothes and then scold me for wearing them when I had nothing else to wear. She never taught me how to comb/brush my hair, brush my teeth, take a shower, etc. I would go out without taking a look in the mirror because I did not have one (it's not like we did not have money for that). Once, I had to go to school wearing casual clothes, I tried on some pants and a blouse so that she gave me her opinion. She looked at me rapidly and said that they were fine. The next day I was humiliated at school and sent back home because my boobs were showing (the blouse was quite tight so they showed, I even asked my mother to tell me if my breasts were showing and she said: "no, you dont need a bra"); I did not wear a bra because I did not have one; I was 10, had very small boobs, and did not know better. I had not worn bras up until that point. I remembered that a classmate had told me a year before:"you should wear a bra", because she could see my breasts. Interestingly, this child had acknowledged my needs while my own mother did not. This happened many times, again and again, and I believed her every time because I did not know she lied constantly to suit her needs. Another time, I had to go to university, and she showed me some pants, I was concerned because they were a bit see-through. She said: "no, they are fine". I was mocked at university for this; people could see my panties. When I saw myself in the mirror the first time wearing them, I felt so ashamed. When she was angry with me, she would mock me as well for wearing those pants... insane. Sometimes I face a dilemma though because now that I do take care of my physical appearance, she becomes envious about it. No matter what I do, I'll never have peace...
I always fear getting sick because I know my Nmother would blame me for it even if it is not my fault. The thought of being in such a vulnerable state, the thought of her anger and hatred towards me for being sick terrifies me.
I think about suicide constantly but I know she would use my death as further "proof" that I have a mental illness... It would be the perfect scenario for her to play the victim. I wouldn't be here to be dealing with all that bs but her having the last word on my death infuriates me. She's driving me to suicide and she enjoys every minute of it.
She may have been poisoning you. Sounds bad, but think about it.
I was recently diagnosed with stage 3 cancer and my mother could give a shit less. The mask has definitely been pulled off during this time. She dismisses me as if I have nothing more than a cold. I have another brother with autism who she adores because he has absolutely ZERO rebellion in him and he is basically an extension of her. She does everything possible to turn her children against one another (another brother who’s married and out and away). Now that her children barely speak to one another, she can’t seem to understand why family get togethers are so sporadic and few and far between and rife with tension. Because of the financial strain of my cancer, I had to move back in with my family and it’s as toxic as it can get. My cancer takes a back seat to everything. I get immunotherapy infusions every 3 weeks and at first she demanded to be there at each one. Now she doesn’t even ask how I’m feeling afterwords, which is oftentimes awful.
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