In the last year, I went back to school to begin retraining....almost 25 years after graduating from college.
I worked very hard and earned A's. Not only did I find the whole back-to-school experience very satisfying, I was consciously pleased with myself for rising to the challenge of disciplining myself to study.
As I checked my grades online and whooped aloud, it occurred to me that I'd never felt truly satisfied when I went to college the first time.
I was never one to jump up and down that I'd passed a difficult class or that I did much better on a test than expected. I don't remember feeling any pride in being the first one in my family to go to college. I don't remember being excited that I'd landed an internship. I didn't go out and celebrate when I got a job in my field. I just sort of bumped along, doing one thing after another.
Today, I'm proud of how hard I worked and what I managed to accomplish back then...while working to support myself and my education because my self-absorbed parents refused to shell out a single dime. During my college years, my father refused to loan me $50 between paychecks. My mother never sent a single box of cookies, a sweater for the colder climate, a card to cheer me through finals.
Now I think I finally understand why I never felt any joy over any hard-earned accomplishments:
1. When I tried to tell my narcissistic father about anything I'd done, he didn't hear anything I was saying and quickly cut me off, interrupting, so he could get back to his favorite topic...himself. When people asked him what I was majoring in, he had no idea. If asked the title of my job, my father couldn't say.
2. When I tried giving my self-absorbed mother updates about my milestones in higher education, she'd say, "Uh uh, how nice for you," in a mocking tone which reflected her anger that I'd chosen to go away to college and "abandoning" her. Then she'd pass the phone to my father or hang up. I stopped calling her after the first year. I gave up.
My achievements were either met with disinterest or a cold, punishing silence. Later, when I graduated and tried asserting myself by disagreeing with one of my father's endless opinions, he'd call me a "nobody know-it-all who thought they were better than everybody else just because they went to college."
So now I get it. I really get it. I didn't feel a sense of accomplishment because my own parents could care less. Every time I did something worthwhile, the price was a pound of flesh. I believe I became numb...to joy. The most I could muster was a wan smile and, "yeah, that's nice," but there was no reward...and at the time I didn't have a firm enough sense of self that would allow me to feel any pride. My initial motivation at success was to find a way to live as far away from my parents as possible. In my mind, if I failed, I'd have to move back home. There was no way that was going to happen.
When I finally (recently) emotionally detached from my narcissistic father...and didn't have his voice or the voice of my mother running in my head...only then was I able to feel satisfaction in simple things like earning a good grade, mastering a new skill, cleaning the entire house, getting through a to-do list. That's how powerful narcissistic parents can be...they not only suck your energy...they also zap you of feeling like you accomplished something...even when you have.
16 comments:
My parents neglected me entirely UNTIL I achieved something. This is what I like to call "grandstanding"; taking all the credit without any help.
My parents also down-right stole money from me when I was accepted to an exclusive women's private college. They told me that financial aid only covered tuition and room and board and being a young person without experience with money believed this. I later learned that the sly dogs then funneled the rest of my grant money and leftover financial aid into their own checking accounts, leaving me entirely stranded and penniless in college. I held down three jobs, teaching, research and waitressing. I managed to be accepted to several prestigious graduate schools, went to several scholarly conferences and graduated with honors.
On one particular occasion, I was giving a lecture on collaborative faculty-student research. It was a lesser achievement compared to other moments, but an achievement nonetheless. My parents flew to the East Coast and showed up at my college to hear me talk. I was furious and shocked, but I didn't have time to deal with this crap, so I went and just did my thing. Before and after the lecture, they shook other faculty's hands and explained "how proud they were of me" and how "overjoyed they were" at my many successes. For weeks after, my professors all talked about how nice and sweet my parents were and all I could do to save face was nod and smile.
In sum, they totally and completely preyed off me, taking whatever it was they needed; money and attention.
Many N-parents are grandstanders. They hate to put any actual work into helping their kids, but are happy to feed off the emotional product of their children's own successes. This is how they maintain their extension of themselves through you. In conversation, they will try to force you to believe that they did something to get you where you are. Most of the time, my parents love to pull the "I gave you life" card. Don't buy it! :)
-Susie
Susie,
Sounds like your parents belong to a different breed of narcissists than my own...a more lethal type...trickier...fraudulent.
You managed to achieve much...DESPITE them...and deserve all the credit. Double kudos!
OMG...playing the LIFE CARD! Oh...let's get started on THAT one. Next post. I know I posted on the whole gratitude thing a long time ago...but it's worth revisiting!
My parents helped both my older and younger brother go to university but told me I couldn't go because I hadn't saved any money. That was because they made me babysit my brother for free during school breaks and if I earned any money babysitting other kids in the evening they took it.
In my twenties and thirties I spent years putting myself through university by taking night courses after working full time during the day. Never once did they help me out, in fact, during this time if I visited home on the weekends I had to pay room and board.
After years of struggling to get both a BA and Masters degree my parents began to brag about how they made sure ALL of their kids had university educations!!!
Mulderfan,
That sounds all too familiar! And when they do give you something for free (in those rare occasions) there is always a price; just not always monetary! They will make you feel guilty for something that was originally just supposed to given to you. In my case, when my parents agreed to help (like with a loan, help with rent, or even a free meel etc), there was always something in the back of my mind that said, "Is it REALLY free?". More often than not, getting my immediate needs taken care of meant that I did not get to dissent or stand up for myself later or that I had to stroke their egos or play into the delusion that they're great parents (N-product).
Concerning their child's successes and achievements, I've noticed that the underlying motive here is entitlement. Because you are an extension of them, anything you do is also theirs thereby giving them rights to your attention and adoration.
-Susie
Nina,
Nina,
I don't know this for sure because my narcissistic parents will never go to therapy, but I'm pretty sure my mother is a malignant narcissist. Not super sure about Dad, but he's got some serious attention seeking tendencies and does not like to think that anyone has anything authority over him. He's a narcissist, but nothing like my crazy mother.
Malignant narc is a combination of narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder, which explains why they don't have any trouble stealing from the people they emotionally manipulate. They have a very elitist view of people and really want to be part of the upper crust of society. They are so concerned with their image that they have financially ruined themselves in order to maintain it. Despite their large salary, they struggle to pay bills. What's scarier is that they have a delusional image of who they are and their place in it.
My mother has episodes of narcissistic rage which can be pretty frightening and make living like walking on egg shells. She never damages any property, but does a number on you psychologically. She twists facts or simply makes things up. The false stuff I think she forces herself to believe. This only happens when you question her parenting or communication skills. She will rage on about how we think she's a horrible mother and all the things that she did for us...blah blah blah..
The DSM says that these narcs have alter egos. This is what wikipedia says: Individuals with malignant narcissism will display a two faced personality. Creation of a "false self" is linked to the narcissist's fear of being inadequate or inferior to others and this mask becomes ingrained into their personality so as to project a sense of superiority to others at all times. The narcissist gains a sense of esteem from the feedback of other people as it is common for the malignant narcissist to suffer from extremely low levels of self-esteem. The conjured up alter ego of the malignant narcissist is created because the real self doesn't meet his or her own expectations. Instead, the narcissist tends to mimic emotional displays of other people and creates a grandiose self to harbor their internalized fantasies of greatness. The alter ego is used by the narcissist to present to the outside world what appears to be a normal, functioning human being and to help maintain his or her own fantasies of an idealized self. The narcissist constantly builds upon this false self, creating a fictional character that is used to show off to the world and to help them feed off the emotions of other people.
Cont:
Even in light of shocking evidence, she really believes that she is this perfect, wonderful loving, person...Even when I endured a verbal slapping or physical violence from her. An example of the aftermath of a hurt malig narc's ego (POSSIBLE TRIGGER):
I don't know how my doctor got my mother's phone number mixed up with mine, but my mother basically got the results of my biopsy and told me, with absolutely no empathy, that I have cancer in the middle of a coffee shop. Firstly, I was furious that she got this private information and that she told me this information an inappropriate setting. When I told her that what she did was inappropriate and mean, she started to get really angry at me. When I refused to be dragged into the argument she started to storm off. She was making a scene in this coffee shop and people were staring, so I pulled her aside and quietly and firmly told her,
"This is not how a 60 year old woman acts. You're acting like you're five and you're humiliating me in front of all these people." I left to get my car to take us home. What I said must have really put the icing on the cake because she took her house keys out of her pocket and threw them at the back of my head, saying, "FINE. GO HOME!" My sister who was with us intervened and escorted me to the car, leaving my mother to walk and act like a victim. As soon as I questioned her ability to relate to me in an appropriate way, this really scary and ugly person emerged. Later, she told my sister that "Susie is the one to blame. She's the one who got upset at me in the coffee shop" (totally not linking my upset feelings with the inappropriate setting and simultaneously justifying the abusive behavior and minimizing mine). She also has all sorts of weird fantasies about love, religion and the meaning of life. When I confronted her about the physical and sexual abuse I endured from my father, I asked her how she could stay with someone who abused her children to which she replied, "I love him and love is forever." She went on to explain that he was the first person to ever care about her and he was her first love and blah blah blah.. talk about a fantasy world! My father has had/is having several affairs and for whatever reason, it doesn't matter to her because apparently "love is forever". If that happened to me, I'd be out the door faster than you can say "jackrabbit". But my mother needs everything to be perfect and ideal. I didn't bring up the affairs with her, but if I did, I bet it too would have been very ugly.
Anyway..I haven't even scratched the surface. But in essence, you're right. They are not the same type of narcissist that you're dealing with. My mother is like a narcissist + delusions.
-Susie
Susie...
thank you for explaining the whole malignant narcissism thing.
That scene in the coffee shop. OMG. And then she threw the keys at the back of your head? It's so awful and melodramatic (her, not you)...when I hear people remark that Christina Crawford was unfair to her (adoptive) mother Joan, I think of stories like yours. People w/somewhat normal parents can't imagine a mother acting in this way but, sadly, some do.
I don't think I would have been as mature as you in that coffee shop. I suspect I might have snapped. I might have picked up those keys and hurled them with all my might...and then pummeled her with my purse! I'm ashamed to admit this, but I've almost lost it with my own father...twice...although I did nothing. Once, I felt like pushing him down the stairs and another time I wanted to lean over, open his car door and shove him out on the freeway. I scared myself. I have never ever mistreated my father, but in the past...when he was well, mentally fit and could defend himself...I did have some revenge fantasies that would have made Mel Gibson proud.
Nina,
I can relate with the revenge fantasies or the fantasy that they weren't REALLY my parents. I used to dream that I was mixed up with some other baby in the hospital and somehow I just ended up there.
I'm curious, did it ever bring you some comfort to know that you were not related to your parents by blood? Or did that make the hurt more intense? I can see how it could be either way.
In that moment, it took everything I could muster to act mature. I hate the feelings that I get when despite my maturity and patience, this person will never change. It makes us want to do some really terrible things. For me, I think it is rooted in the idea that I really want validation and love from this person. It would be incredibly relieving for them to just be normal and healthy people, but I have to believe that this will never happen and nothing that I could say or do will change that. It doesn't make a difference if I decided to throw keys at her or not.
-Susie
I can definitely relate to this lack of pride in anything that I did, and even now I find it difficult to believe that I have any redeeming features. My narcissistic parents underplayed my achievements by never acknowledging that I had achieved anything... even if I had scored 95% in an exam my father would ask "Where did the other 5% go?". What made it even more difficult was the fact that I had chosen my high school subjects, my uni degree and even the job I am in now based on what he thought was "best for me". I can't even feel good about my achievements because I don't even own my decisions!
Thankfully, I've realised the predicament I am in and I have time to really reflect and think about what I want (for the first time in my life), so it's not all doom and gloom. :)
congratulations on finally... emotionally detaching. it really is this amazing sense of RELIEF.
Wow, Susie, I saw that first sentence in your first comment, and know exactly what you're talking about!
My n-father never supported any of my decisions. At age 16, I decided I wanted to be a filmmaker (I'm a female as well, and its a male dominated field - oh, and my father is sexist as well). My father told me to my face, in front of a group of friends, that I would end up working at McDonalds. He often did this, which was use me as the butt of one of his jokes. He would often make fun of me, in front of his friends, and then look around to see who was laughing. He truly thought he was hilarious. I remember some of his friends thinking he was just so funny (they were of course a$$holes as well), but others grimacing at the humiliation that I was receiving.
Back to my point - I'm 27 now, a filmmaker, and live in London (I'm American). I went to one of the top film schools in Europe (very few get accepted), and graduated last year, and am doing pretty well.
My Dad is LOVING IT. Most of his friends, they're kids have average office jobs. He brags to all of them about how I've gone to Europe, gone to a fancy school (which I've paid for in loans, but he's taken financial credit for), and am now working for "the big bucks" - and tells his friends that I'm going to win an Oscar some day and thank him in my speech.
It is SO effing cringe worthy, and I often find myself NOT wanting to succeed in something, or succeeding in something and not wanting to tell anybody, just so my dad can't take credit for it.
By the way, my Dad has never (and never asked) to see any of my film work...ugh...
wow you guys i can totally relate to what you are saying especially the malignant narcissistic mother. lets just say I went through hell and still going through it. To say my mom is wicked is an understatement because not only is she a malignant narcissist she is also a witch!!! I'm scared to even post this.
My father is an N and so is my Mother in Law. Both if their spouses support them in the dysfunctional ways they 'require'. My husband and I and the kids are estranged from his whole family now because of her behavior in being an N. My struggle is whether or not to let my children know her at all. They are her grandkids. She wont apologize for anything --with out doing it in a blaming way--no shock there- and they are waiting for us to come to them--they are forever the martyrs. Do any of you have N's that are in your immediate family that you no longer seek or speak to in any way? How do you explain this to your children (if you have children) or others for that matter? It isnt as simple as " they are mean people" for example. People who do not understand N's, do not understand the depth of their abuse and how it reaks havoc on those they 'love'. I struggle so much with this---and I dont fully feel my husband cares as much as I do. I dont want anything to come back and bite me in the behind later on--for example when the N's pass away---no one else in my husband's family seems to get that she is an N--they are still blinded by her. My own sister in law turned on me ....help!
I should also add that my husband has grown up with all the damage (as have I) that an N parent can inflict---and his parents never acted happy or anything if he accomplished something big--and his has many times--because THEY didn't do it----they also back stabbed us through gossip---their jealousy at our accomplishments as a couple.Sometimes i feel my husband tries too hard to accomplish big things---he is so used to it. the best of this, the highest quality of that--
hi Nina,
I totally comprehend what you went through... my parents were terribly narcissistic. They got married late (partied in their younger days until family and social norms push them to marry), then they quarrel all the time about everything, have zero discipline in family and financial matters, and tell us children that the reason why they have to stay in the marriage is because of "US". so I get the total bag of guilt all the time.
My father also help himself to my savings even when I was a teenager. Family was a string of crisis of one after another, but I was never priority.
I did very well in school, but they never ever praise or acknowledge my achievements. My high school results were spectacular given that I was growing up in a very poor neighbourhood, but they never rejoice over all the "A"s I achieved. I sometimes had to skip lunch to keep the money for study notes, but my mother never see the challenge growing up. She only comes home from work and scream that we children are "selfish".
When I finally had enough money of my own in my thirties (earlier days was all spent on filling in the family debt and younger siblings education) to get my driver's license and car, nobody celebrated my major achievement.
Like what you said - joy is a strange thing when nobody acknowledge or celebrate your achievement.
Sometimes I had to hide what I do, because my mother would get jealous that I am doing other legitimate activities away from her and she would be very mean in her remarks. If I bring the family out for a meal, I would always have to pay, but my mother would only complain about the food. That is even if I bring her to a good restaurant - it's always the food is too expensive , or too poor , or too salty. Nothing is every right even when you tried your best.
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