Susie left a comment on the post, When Your Child Has a Narcissistic Parent...which offered some excellent advice that, frankly, didn't occur to me. (Check out her entire comment in earlier post)
She wrote:
I have cancer and my N-parents love to push the envelope/get attention during my visits. So, I simply told the staff about them and that I do not wish to have them in the room with me. The staff made up some excuse and when my N-father tried to barge in during my treatment, the staff threatened to call security because he would not comply with "policy".
The key is just to get people's attention. They become more sensitive to the behavior when you say, "My ex-husband is a narcissist who displays very inappropriate behaviors. *explain and identify behaviors*. I wanted you to know in case he acts inappropriately in front of me, the other staff, my child etc. If _____ happens, this is what you say/do:_________" More often than not, when people hear the word 'narcissist', they will help shield you from the destructive behavior of the N-parent. Just remember, the only things you can change are: yourself and your environment. You cannot change a N-person!
First, I'm sorry to hear that you are dealing with cancer. As if having that isn't enough, it must be especially challenging not to have parents who can give you - for once in your life - honest-to-goodness love and support. Barging in on your treatment? If it wasn't so awful, it would almost be comedic...given that you are a grown woman. There's something very symbolic in there about extreme control and acting as if you're a helpless little girl of five.
There's a lesson for all us in how you handled that situation...by taking charge and protecting yourself. (Oh, that's what that looks like...some of us may say...lights finally going off...it's not trying to be nice and complaining to our friends about the parental behavior...it's bold, it's direct, it's firm...and damn, it's straight-up acting like an adult!)
I wrote about this before, but once upon a time, I was going through the whole biopsy ordeal and made the big mistake of telling my father. He was greatly upset. Not because he was worried about me, but because I might die and then who would take care of him. That's exactly what he said. Then he kept calling to find out the results and repeatedly said, "You don't know what you're putting me through!" as if I'd conjured the breast lump just to freak him out.
After that, I finally...finally believed that the parental well was as dry as my husband kept telling me. I guess I'd always thought that if I ever got sick...with something serious...my narcissistic father would be there for me. Somehow, my dire situation would (magically) transform him into a father who cared about his daughter and put himself second. But my father was so damaged...so childlike and self-centered...that he would never be able to do that.
So after that, I stopped telling him anything. If I ever developed a disease - I vowed - I'd keep it a secret. If I got a flu, I denied it. I simply couldn't stand to hear his reaction.
My cousin, who has a narcissistic mother, always downplays whatever illness she has because her mother seems to become even more difficult and histrionic when my cousin has the nerve to be sick. The result is that my cousin's arm could be hanging off and she'll cheerily tell you it's a flesh wound. She's dragged herself to work with pneumonia. She's trained not to think of herself and, sadly, this has extended to her own health.
For some of us - okay, me - it takes an event like being told, outright, by your parent that your real value is the service you provide...the attention you give. What other way is there to interpret that statement? You are finally faced with the butt ugly bald truth of your pathetically futile, one-sided relationship with your parent. There's no excuse like, "my father just has a hard time expressing himself...inside, he really loves me." It's profoundly shocking to learn your parent doesn't love you, at all, "even in their own way,"...an expression I have come to despise because for narcissistic parents, it's just a lame excuse posed by ignorant friends and family who have no idea what the n-parent is like when other people aren't around.
That said (OMG...Curb Your Enthusiasm had a great take on the whole "that said" phrase on one of its most recent episodes w/Jerry Seinfeld)...finding out that your n-parent could care less about you is very liberating...the first step toward true detachment if you are still struggling with denial about your parent(s).
11 comments:
I am almost 41 years old and I almost cried when I found your blog. I live with my mother and just last night in a therapy group I discovered the name "narcissistic" to describe the insanity that has controlled my entire life. I have been so confused for so long, with this crazy-making, mindf%$@& stuff that rules where I live with my mother, and nobody else seems to see it, not even my sister. Finally, with this new framework of understanding, the biggest puzzle piece of my life is falling into place.
I was abused by my father physically, sexually, emotionally, etc, when I was young, and my mother divorced him. I had no contact with him for 30 years until he died, just over a month ago. I am realizing now that this is in large part due to my mother's narcissistic control, as she has made him out to be a devil all these years. My sister had a rose from the funeral that sprouted, and she posted a statement about this on FaceBook. Many people commented, including one that stated "it's a sign from above". My mother went ballistic. She refused to call my sister, saying she felt abandoned, that she didn't believe us about the abuse anymore, that she wanted to get out of this family, and that she was going to move to Florida (we live in Vermont). This is such a typical response from her, always has been. What is your take on this? Does this feel narcissistic to you? I need some validation from someone with experience!
-Cara
Hi Cara,
Well heck...if your mother is offering to relocate to Florida, you might want to consider packing her bags!
MUST you live with her? There may be financial reasons that have made it necessary...and may continue to make it necessary. I strongly recommend...if possible...to begin developing an exit strategy so you can find some relief.
A psychologist and a doctor both diagnosed my dad with NPD...narcissistic personality disorder. Later, I was able to cross-check against the list of attributes in the book by Nina Brown...which I highly recommend...as well as the other books listed on the home page of this blog. I suspect there's a sliding scale from the controlling parent to the somewhat narcissistic all the way up to full blown NPD. It's possible your mother might, for example, be controlling and histrionic. If you learned about narcissism in a therapy group as relating to your mother...it sounds like somebody heard about behaviors that sent up that red flag.
Do try and read as much as you can about narcissism/controlling parents...because only you have the full check-list...you may be astonished to learn that all the weird and wacky things she does is part and parcel of a much larger problem than just having a Difficult Mother.
One of the things that used to throw me for a loop in reading about narcissism was the bit about narcissists being grandiose. My dad is definitely not that. He is childlike and needy...never listens...talks constantly...competes w/his own grandchildren for attention...can only talk about himself...has no boundaries...and never had any friends and if you cross him, calls you a "nobody." He's threatened by the success of other people...and says ridiculous things like, "so and so thinks he's hot shit, but he's a nobody." Basically, it's like dealing with a 12 year old.
You've got a rocky road ahead of you as you explore this issue...it's often painful...but there's a light at the end of the tunnel, Cara! As they say in really bad TV movies...walk toward the light!
Help! My sick parents want to adopt a child from Haiti. I am grown and they still try to control me and make inappropriate sexual comments. My mother in particular hates men and she wants to adopt a boy child!!
When I expressed my concern to her pointing out that she doesn't like men, she said: "Well then maybe I can work through my issues by having a boy child"
!!!!! Isn't that sick?? Get a therapist!!!!
What can I do!? Do you think the adoption agency will interview me as their only daughter? I may be able to give testimony against them as adoptive parents and say I'm concerned about their fitness to raise a child.
Any advice?
Anonymous, Yikes.
I cringed when I read your concerns.
I hope that today's adoption agencies do a better job screening prospective parents...their motivations....suitability, etc.
Any child needing a new home/family after what they have suffered in Haiti will need adults who can SEE them and help them. Like you, I'd hate to see a scarred child end up in the clutches of a self-absorbed person with highly suspect motives.
Hopefully, your mother will be deterred by the red-tape involved in the adoption process. Maybe your mother is just doing a lot of talking about this to draw attention to herself and it will blow over.
If you learn that she's actually trying to adopt some poor victim out there, I'd casually ask the name of the name of the agency and then make a phone call and ask to make a confidential disclosure about your concerns regarding the fitness of your parent.
I also suggest not engaging with your mother on this topic if it causes you anxiety. In a way, the whole thing is rather dramatic and she might be doing this as a way to get attention and to draw you in. Second, if she is serious, then I suspect she'll do whatever she wants...no matter your opinion.
Hey, umh...I never noticed that both my parents are Npds...My father is distant and hateful as hell for no apparent reason...But it's this silent hate, which freaks you out even more...He looks normal, you walk into the room and he looks at you with shear silent hatred...like Nicholson in The Shining...My sister and I already have made bets when he's going to kill the entire family. I knew all along he was an asshole, but I recently discovered my mom is also the devil in disguise, cause I turned 18 and wanted to live my life. Ever since then she started her npd campaign against me. Unfortunately my older sister has it too and helped her. I thought my sister changed once grown up, but not the case...hellbent on destroying me to make her look good infront of my parents...Mentally she's still 7. So...I don't know how, but both of them have convinced me and everyone around them that I am psychologically damaged and need therapy. Which may be true, but what bothers me about it, is that my mom and sister have the perfect gig now. They pretend to be a caring mother and sibling who just want the best for me, when it's the complete opposite. My mom has even made freudian slips concerning that...Went something like:" You know I just want the worst, umh best for you. " Anyway...Now my parents have decided to take me to a therapist. A therapist who my sister tricked me into seeing and who sais I don't only need therapy but a supervisor...meaning I will have no power over decisions I make. I've gone from attending university to sitting in my parent's house depressed and in this weird space they try to keep you, where you're too weak to do something but too strong to give in entirely. Well anyway...now that I know my parents want to join this visit with this guy, I'm really concerned cause I know they'll lie their ass off and play their little game as concerned parents infront of this guy and make me look like an evil rebellious son, who wants to make them look bad...
Ouh yeah...What do you think I should do? I literally feel like I have no options, but that's just their mind**** which has ingrained this in my psyche. Or if I do anything it's wrong, bad, or whatever...what's worse is, they're doing it to my little sister who came along when I was 14. She's 15 now and does things like, jumping up and cleaning stuff my father spilled, while he sits there. Or she thinks it's her job to sit inbetween my parents all day, so they'll won't fight. There's nothing I can do about it, cause they've labeled me as "crazy" and that's probably what they'll try to do with this therapist. You know the deal...
-Andy
I am 31 year old adoptee... adopted at two weeks old. Very recently, it came to light that my mother is a narcissistic mother. As a child, I was always very anxious, tense, and sad…. never really knowing why. As an adult, I began to think it was related to being adopted. Well, I suppose that is partly true. See, what angers and frustrates me the most is that my mother adopted me (and two other children) at all. I simply cannot understand why a person who clearly does not want children would go to the trouble to adopt. It pains me to look back on my childhood and remember. I blocked it out for so long. Glossing over it simply won’t do any more. My childhood was utterly painful and horrifying. As an adult I struggle constantly with depression, guilt, and anger. It is hard to believe that it took me this long to actually realize what is wrong with me. My relationship with my boyfriend is suffering because of it. And I am so scared that I will end up being like her. Is it normal to feel that way?? I don’t believe I am like her… but sometimes I have characteristics that are similar. I have two children, a girl (6) and a boy (5). I am going to start therapy so that I can do everything in my conscious power to NOT be like my mother. In my adult years, my mother and I go through periods of time where we don’t talk. I find that I am happier not speaking to her. This upsets me for a few reasons. First, when my mother and I don’t talk, it seems to trickle down to everyone else. My dad and I don’t talk and my sister and I don’t talk. They don’t see my mother the way I see her. Secondly, I don’t want to take my children’s “nana” away from them. But I think she is not a good influence on them at all. I am so torn I don’t know what to do. I have a lot to figure out in therapy. Right now I am stuck in this very hurt and angry place. I don’t want to linger here. I want to move on with my life.
A Nparent and their children's illness? Recipe for disaster. It's more than tragic.
The Nparent owns their supposed loved one's problems. It's another strategy for them to get attention. But actually helping out? No way.
All three offspring of my Nparent has major health problems. We used to joke that he made a pact with the devil in order to secure his good health.
I believe us children of Ns do tend to have more health problems. We are under enormous stress and as we've been trained to be nonreactive, we get sick. I wonder if there have been any studies about this.
Once, when I was having a health crisis, my aunt invited my Nfather to Thanksgiving. The rest of the family had gone NC with him years before, but she told me she was willing to "let bygones be bygones" in order to create the most supportive environment for me. I knew that was not going to work, even though I did not know he had NPD at the time. I was right: he was enraged. Why should HE go to THEIR house? Didn't they know he'd have to take public transportation?! Oh, the humiliation! Blah blah blah. . .he raged for days at them. Even without knowing he had no empathy, I was not surprised. I knew he was selfish, at the very least. My aunt was stunned. "Why can't he do a simple supportive thing when you're going through such a hard time?" Well, the N"parent" can not.
Though this isn't in response to your post, I must reiterate my fed-up-ness with people who suggest that we can still love these so-called parents - "love with compassion and detachment." It is not possible. They are destructive people who only know how to hurt. . .I am sorry all of you have to deal with it, and finally being able to have compassion for myself over it. I presume that others have the same difficulty. It's hard to dislodge the message that we are weak. . .
Hi I am a first time writer...so grateful to have found this blog, it is so helpful to get all these confirmation about my N mother...I feel validated, supported, and affirmed. I identify with so many of you...I was never allowed to say I had a headache, stomach ache or was I allowed to say I was sad depressed, angry etc. basically I was not allowed to have any of my feelings at all If I said I had a headache my mother would scream at me and say"your a young girl you can't have a headache" . If I was upset about something and felt on the verge of tears my mother would look at me and hold my chin and make a big grin and say smile. One time I was going to a wedding, I think I was 15 and I had a migraine headache my mother screamed at me to stop looking so sad and while we were taking pictures she pinched me and said give a big smile. She could not handle any weakness, imperfections in me. If ever Slip and say I am sick as an adult she asks me a hundred times a day your fine right? I stopped telling her anything. My general answer to her is everything is fine. The question I have is whenever I do get sick or feel vulnerable , I get very anxious, I am realizing it is not because of the symptoms or the vulnerable feelings its that negative interject, my mothers voice saying "you made yourself sick, or look,at what you did to,yourself, or I should be ashamed of myself for feeling or looking this way" etc. that is more upsetting than the feelings or the physical symptoms. I actually find myself beating myself up for being sick. I alsos try to act as if I'm not sick so when I should be taking care of myself. Anyone relate to this ? And any suggestions ?
I feel as if I've found freedom. I’ve only just realized what’s going on and I’m 30! For years I tried to do everything “right” and avoid the mothers wrath at any cost. The fear of her was and still somewhat is so great that I get so stressed. Anything can kick of the barrage of abuse, even changing the radio station in the car.
Her latest tactic has been telling me that I’m getting old, my “sell by date” is approaching and that no one will want me except her. No man will want to be with me after I’m 35 and that I must listen to her and do as she tells me. She hates my partner and makes nasty comments about him to make him look like a piece of s***t and they don't even speak the same language and only ever met once! She uses our current difficult financial situation to try to break us up and to scare and control me. Instead of helping me out temporarily with money she bought a multi thousand dollar dress for me, telling me that no one will be able to provide the lifestyle for me other than her. I have refused the present explaining that I could do with the money instead and got wrath for it.
I do not like her as a person and I am embarrassed that this nasty individual gave birth to me. But my weapon and strength is that I am more intelligent than her and after I’ve overcome (almost overcome, I'm still ridden with guild and even love towards her) the emotional hold I can see straight through her and see her for what she really is.
Anyone reading this has already won half the war. If you are here this means you are above your narcissist parent and no matter what they do you are stronger and more intelligent than they are.
Now I have to help my brother…
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