Warning Others About a Narcissistic Parent & When YOU are Sick

Susie left a comment on the post, When Your Child Has a Narcissistic Parent...which offered some excellent advice that, frankly, didn't occur to me. (Check out her entire comment in earlier post)

She wrote:

I have cancer and my N-parents love to push the envelope/get attention during my visits. So, I simply told the staff about them and that I do not wish to have them in the room with me. The staff made up some excuse and when my N-father tried to barge in during my treatment, the staff threatened to call security because he would not comply with "policy".
The key is just to get people's attention. They become more sensitive to the behavior when you say, "My ex-husband is a narcissist who displays very inappropriate behaviors. *explain and identify behaviors*. I wanted you to know in case he acts inappropriately in front of me, the other staff, my child etc. If _____ happens, this is what you say/do:_________" More often than not, when people hear the word 'narcissist', they will help shield you from the destructive behavior of the N-parent. Just remember, the only things you can change are: yourself and your environment. You cannot change a N-person!

First, I'm sorry to hear that you are dealing with cancer. As if having that isn't enough, it must be especially challenging not to have parents who can give you - for once in your life - honest-to-goodness love and support. Barging in on your treatment? If it wasn't so awful, it would almost be comedic...given that you are a grown woman. There's something very symbolic in there about extreme control and acting as if you're a helpless little girl of five.

There's a lesson for all us in how you handled that situation...by taking charge and protecting yourself. (Oh, that's what that looks like...some of us may say...lights finally going off...it's not trying to be nice and complaining to our friends about the parental behavior...it's bold, it's direct, it's firm...and damn, it's straight-up acting like an adult!)

I wrote about this before, but once upon a time, I was going through the whole biopsy ordeal and made the big mistake of telling my father. He was greatly upset. Not because he was worried about me, but because I might die and then who would take care of him. That's exactly what he said. Then he kept calling to find out the results and repeatedly said, "You don't know what you're putting me through!" as if I'd conjured the breast lump just to freak him out.

After that, I finally...finally believed that the parental well was as dry as my husband kept telling me. I guess I'd always thought that if I ever got sick...with something serious...my narcissistic father would be there for me. Somehow, my dire situation would (magically) transform him into a father who cared about his daughter and put himself second. But my father was so damaged...so childlike and self-centered...that he would never be able to do that.

So after that, I stopped telling him anything. If I ever developed a disease - I vowed - I'd keep it a secret. If I got a flu, I denied it. I simply couldn't stand to hear his reaction.

My cousin, who has a narcissistic mother, always downplays whatever illness she has because her mother seems to become even more difficult and histrionic when my cousin has the nerve to be sick. The result is that my cousin's arm could be hanging off and she'll cheerily tell you it's a flesh wound. She's dragged herself to work with pneumonia. She's trained not to think of herself and, sadly, this has extended to her own health.

For some of us - okay, me - it takes an event like being told, outright, by your parent that your real value is the service you provide...the attention you give. What other way is there to interpret that statement? You are finally faced with the butt ugly bald truth of your pathetically futile, one-sided relationship with your parent. There's no excuse like, "my father just has a hard time expressing himself...inside, he really loves me." It's profoundly shocking to learn your parent doesn't love you, at all, "even in their own way,"...an expression I have come to despise because for narcissistic parents, it's just a lame excuse posed by ignorant friends and family who have no idea what the n-parent is like when other people aren't around.

That said (OMG...Curb Your Enthusiasm had a great take on the whole "that said" phrase on one of its most recent episodes w/Jerry Seinfeld)...finding out that your n-parent could care less about you is very liberating...the first step toward true detachment if you are still struggling with denial about your parent(s).

Catching Up on Your Comments

I've begun catching up on the comments that some of you left while I was away on my long, unintended absence.

I've started at the top of my inbox and working backward. Since I plan on getting back to everyone, it may take some time.

Anybody see the movie Squid and the Whale with Jeff Daniels as the narcissistic father? I think the movie does an excellent job of showing just how lonely (and twisted) life can be for the children of self-absorbed parents.

Your Child Has a Narcissitic Father (or Mother)

A woman left an anonymous comment asking for advice because her son's father is a narcissist.

Readers...please feel free to share your thoughts.

I suspect one could spend a tremendous amount of time and energy trying to limit your child's exposure to the toxic ex-spouse, but due to the custody agreement, that might not be possible. (If your ex is anything like the Michelle Pfieffer character in the movie White Oleander, he'll relish any opportunity at child-free time.)

If there's not much you can do in that direction, then I'd do everything I could to provide a safe, loving, nurturing haven for your son, a haven where he is free to express and explore his feelings, to develop his identity without manipulation and guilt, a place where he can recuperate and regain his sense of self...a place where it's all about him...where he can be respected.

I'd read all I could about the art of "mirroring" your child. For example, if he cries because he fell, instead of telling him to quit crying and that it's just a little boo-boo when it's a broken arm (not that you would!), say that the fall must have really hurt and carefully inspect the damage. If he says he hates his first grade teacher, nod and ask why he feels that way. Sorry. You probably know what mirroring is but, just in case.

I believe it was the psychoanalyst Alice Miller, author of Drama of the Gifted Child, wrote somewhere (of course, now I can't find it...damn) something to the effect that the impact of a narcissistic parent could be offset by another parent, another member of the family, a family friend. I found this an extremely hopeful and powerful statement. You may not be able to control your toxic ex-spouse, but you can try to become the best parent you possibly can by practicing mindful parenting.

Sliv in a comment wrote that the father of her young child lies, steals and cheats to get his way. I have to admit, I have no direct experience with that kind of diabolical/malignant narcissist, but I suspect that as the non-narcissistic parent, you'd almost have to go into mirroring hypermode to counteract the damage.

Having never had a parent who mirrored, this was something I had to learn how to do with practice, finally achieving some level of competence just in time for the fun teenage years, when you're just dying to give advice and that's the last thing your kid wants to hear (five words strung together constituting nagging). So even if you have the lousy luck of having narcissistic parents and, maybe not surprisingly, a narcissist for a spouse or ex-spouse, it IS possible to improve one's parenting skills by educating ourselves and making a mindful effort!

Back...Refreshed...Ready

Sheesh. I'm shocked an entire 1.5 years have passed since my last post. Never intended to be away for that long. In fact, I had every intention of returning...quickly.

The best part about blogging is reading and learning from your comments, so I was both astonished and thrilled to find that some old readers continued to share their experiences and that new people have found their way here in my long absence. (Welcome newbies! You are not alone! And you're aren't crazy)

It will take me some time to catch up on all the comments...and the kind, supportive emails that some of you have sent.

So here's the explanation of what caused me to disappear:

My (narcissistic) father got the boot from his assisted living facility. Unlike people with Alzheimers who, for the most part, continue to be mobile, my father has Lewy Body dementia which finally confined him to a wheel chair...after a period of repeated falls. That, the incontinence and his extremely difficult behaviors became too much for the facility to handle 24/7.

I may not like my father - and have finally come to accept this - but I realize that I don't have to love him...I just have to act as morally and as responsibly as I can...which meant finding him another place to live where they would take good care of him. Pronto. So of course I freaked out. If a pricey assisted living facility couldn't handle him, what the HELL was I going to do? After a month of frantic searching and scrambling, I found a board and care run by an amazing Latina woman. Spotless! Homemade meals! Just a few residents! He liked the new place much better...all around a big improvement. It took me a couple months to quit worrying that the owner was going to call and say she and her staff couldn't handle him because he's so mean. WHEW.

Then I got caught up in the whole college tour thing ....then my daughter graduated HS...then I went back to college myself to retrain...then we got daughter settled at college...then I wanted to spend time with my younger daughter who was devastated because her sister and boyfriend left for college at the same time....and on and on...

Suddenly, I actually had a life that - for the first time in YEARS - didn't include phone calls from my father that made me feel horrible or guilty or depressed or furious. His dementia had progressed to the point where his moods seemed to stabilize and he became much, much less needy...probably because he was growing more disengaged.

The last year has been a reprieve from the sentencing that was handed down at the time of my adoption placement...when I landed a needy, childlike narcissistic parent and a self-absorbed adoptive mother. Oh, the freedom! The joy! I didn't have to think (much) about him. I could enjoy my children and my husband. I could go out to dinner and not worry that he'd left numerous, unpleasant messages on the home phone. So I've been taking an unintended break from the whole narcissistic parent thing.

For those of you saddled with a narcissistic parent, you know what I'm talking about...the burden of their existence. So we take our breaks where we can.

There have been some surprising, interesting triggers, though, over the last year and I'll write about that next time.

Since my schedule has changed, I plan to post about once a week...so if you leave a comment, it may take me a bit to respond.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Update

Thanks for leaving comments, dear folks.

I've read them and hope to respond next week...as well as posting about Stockholm Syndrome.

My time and energy have been channeled into helping one of my teenagers through a rough patch. And if you've ever had a challenging teenager, you know what I'm talkin' about.

Back soon.

In the meantime, here's wishing you strength and inner peace.