My second serious boyfriend was a narcissist. I realize that now. Years after we broke up, he was diagnosed with biopolar disorder and wrote me a 12-step letter of apology. I met him shortly after starting college because, I guess, after shedding my controlling, self-centered adoptive parents, I needed someone to boss me around. Maybe all that sudden freedom from tyranny was just too scary. So I invited a super critical tyrant into my life. Not that it was all bad. He was hard working and brilliant and showed me how to succeed in college. Sort of like having Henry VIII as a college mentor.
The friends I chose to make after therapy to deal with my issues stemming from having narcissistic parents differ wildly from those I made before.
This was highlighted this past week.
My non-narcissistic friend called and we chatted about all sorts of things. Back and forth. Books, movies, vacation plans, kids, blah blah. I hung-up feeling good and looked forward to talking with her again.
Had lunch with a narcissistic friend hoping things would be different this time. She spent the entire lunch talking about a serious problem with her son (which she wouldn't have if her narcissism hadn't prevented her from getting the help he needed while still in high school).
The thing is, she always has a problem. If it's not her son, it's her daughter or her husband or something at work. Whatever is going on her life is a crisis and I willingly listen without saying much myself. She does have some good qualities. Occasionally, she will listen to me and say nice, supportive things. But the relationship is basically 90-10 in her favor.
The dramatic question is....can this relationship be saved?
Should I even try to?
Can it be rebalanced....like tires? Assert myself more. Demand equal time.
After being with this friend, I'm churned up or worried on her kids' behalf and we're right back to the crux of MY problem. The fact that I feel I owe this "friendship" my effort instead of scaling it back and protecting myself and working more earnestly to find non-narcissistic friends.
One of the things that has made me stick with her, oddly, is my fear of cutting her off because that might make me like my narcissistic father, who cut people off the second they displeased him. Because they failed to give him the kind of attention he demanded. Maintaining relationships, even unhealthy ones, means I'm not like my self-centered adad. I'm terrified at the thought of having narcissistic traits and the cutting-off of friends is something adad did all the time, throughout his life. So every time I take a take a step in the right direction - pulling back from this narcissistic friend - I give in and make one more lunch date or walk date....hoping I'm wrong. That I've exaggerated her self-centeredness. But it's just repeated.
To boot, she zinged me. I told her, pleased, that I'd been invited to join a decision making council at the high school. My competitive, narcissistic friend said she'd belonged to such a council at the elementary school and back then, it was considered an elite club and not just anybody could join. She then said it must be easier to "get in" now and that they must have trouble finding members.
Humph! My reaction? I just sat there like a dummy and said nothing. Later, I fumed. But made excuses like...I'm just too sensitive. "She probably didn't mean it that way."
This isn't the first time she's zinged me. She's done it plenty times before and the problem is NOT HER. IT'S ME. Many other people would not tolerate this behavior. Me? I'm still thinking I can fix it. Which shows I've got a lot more personal work to do.
10 comments:
It's amazing to me ...how narcissists ALL act the same...
I have sat through this 10/90 for years with various folks.
I recently, after a HELLACIOUS year with a an odd trio of them, started zero-tolerance for that crap.
Don't feel bad..you aren't your dad-- a normalconversation goes back and forth an dif it makes you feel better we aren't helping tehm by reinforcing their self-centered behavior.
I,too, have felt that "wow, what a great conversation "feeling b/c I was so used to syaing "uh,huh, yeah, really??""over and over.
Glad to find your blog
Well heck, Holy water salt...
As a lapsed Catholic with a fascination all things exorcist and evil, imagine my surprise at finding such a unique combination of subjects on your blog...plus narcissism!
And one more thing HWS...
thanks for the reminder as to what constitutes a normal conversation b/c I've been feeling kinda depressed about the whole thing...and fighting the stirrings of guilt.
Pride is evil...it's the root of all sin...and what are narcissists full of?
And I am a lapsed Catholic often, I drag my ass to confession a lot.
I will blog sonn on my scary encounter with my N and how it inspired my blog and interest in exorcism/evil.
HWS, Yes, please do blog about that encounter...I'll add you to my blog roll when I update soonish...
Nina, when your adad cuts people out of his life, he doesn't worry that he might be doing something wrong, or mean, or dysfunctional. You are not like that AT ALL.
And while it's true that your friend didn't mean to hurt you with her "zing" -- she didn't mean not to hurt you either. She didn't think about you either way, I suspect.
Being in crisis can be addictive, perhaps it is more so for the narcissist. But maybe I'll save that for my next blog post. :)
Too true, Celera...but I'm glad for the reminder! My adad never doubts himself...never feels remorse for cutting people out of his life.
That was a really insightful to say about this friend...that she doesn't think about me much. I think that's very true.
And yes, blog about the addictive nature of being in crisis! My adad was always having some sort of crisis and if he didn't...he'd make one up.
Your comments about your father have been really interesting to me. Some of it sounds exactly like my Dad, in particular the inability to get a word in edgewise. My father is a retired college professor who still knows everything about everything. Heaven forbid you ever ask him a question, you will never get out of the room for the next two hours. He can never resist the opportunity to know "more" than anyone else at the table. My brother and I always joked that being a professor was the perfect job for him - a room chock full of captives for two classes, four lectures a week.
The funny thing is while you say your Dad always cut people off at the slightest infraction, my Dad was the opposite. No matter who he would meet, he would add that person to his roster of "people he knew." They could be my college friends, whom he met maybe once, who are now more important people in the world (25 years later), and my father will tell anyone that they are "close, dear friends of the family." If you meet him once, you go into his rolodex as one of his "close friends." I was horrified when he and my mother were traveling to Washington DC recently, and he called, wanting to know if I knew where one old classmate of mine worked (she works high up in Gov't today) so they could drop in on her. I haven't seen her for 20 years, and my Dad was going to drop in on her, telling security she was a "good friend of the family"! She'd think I was crazy! I was horrified and made something up, like my friend was traveling. They seemed to believe it.
N's come in lots of different forms! LOL
i have a "frenemy" also... i don't believe she's a narcissist (at least not compared to my father) but yeah... it's another one of those relationships that i re-evaluated when pregnant & i put it too the side, we email now. it's eaiser to zing back via email! ;)
i had a narcissistic "best" friend once. in high school. it took me 5 years since our drifting apart for me to shake off most of the impact of her cold, mean, belittling behavior and the things she said to me.
i remember, i got 1550 on the SATs. when i told her this, she hurumphed, and grumpily said 'that's cause you took it in december! that's the easy month. how unfair.'
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