My therapist, who specializes in helping adult children of narcissists, recommended, "Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in Their Struggle for Self," by Elan Golomb (1992, Harper, in paperback).
He thought I might find the detailed and very personal case studies interesting. And I did. It was fascinating, in watching a train wreck sort of way, to see how each adult was damaged by their self-absorbed parent.
For the record, I highly recommend the book even though I think it sort of fell apart at the end.
The title, however, is BRILLIANT.
I came to admire its stunning accuracy this week after several conversations with my narcissistic adoptive father.
First, he called from his assisted living facility to say he'd caught a cold. I offered my usual sympathy and comfort. But he'd called, mostly, so I could HEAR HIS VOICE. With a slight rasp brought on by the cold, his voice had become deep and throaty. He wanted me to hear "how sexy" he sounded. Then he went on and on about how he'd never liked his voice (too thin) and how'd he always wanted a sexy voice, etc.
In the past, he's
--boasted how desirable he was to other women
--boasted to my husband about his sexual conquests
--told me about his bodily functions and when I protested, he said, "But this is me! I want you to know about this! It's important that you know!"
--sent pictures of himself and later asked for admiration
--told me how other people are nobodies and what he'd do if he were in charge
For most of my life, I was trapped into reflecting my father back to himself. There was no me. I simply existed as his mirror. Growing up, I thought this was perfectly normal. That this was the job of the child. To provide emotional support and comfort to the parent. It would never, ever have occurred to me to go to my adoptive father with any problem. I never asked for advice or sought reassurance. It would have been too selfish. The one time I admitted that I was nervous about a biopsy, he turned it into his drama. How upset I had made him. And who, he demanded, would take care of him if I died? When I asked if he wouldn't be worried about the prospect of his granddaughters without a mother, he said, "Forget them! They have their father to take care of them! What about me?"
And that has always been the Big Question.
What about him?
11 comments:
Nina, wow, most of the time I end up talking about my narcissistic mother, as she is the only one I still have dealings with, but your post here forced me to think about my father for the first time in a very long time. He is the one nParent I managed to actually cut out of my life approximately 15 years ago. I have only seen him once, since, at a funeral, where he tried to corner me to "talk", but I just kept saying it was the wrong place at the funeral and I'd talk to him later. Then we left and caught a flight home (later never came).
It was easier to shed my father from my life than my mother. They had been divorced for a long time. My father's behaviors were so much worse, it was just a no brainer. He was a pathalogical liar, and a pornography addict. It took only one visit to him when I had a three year old and an infant. We live many states away and I hadn't actually been to his home in a long time.
I don't know what I had been thinking when as a younger person I put up with all his crap. He had pornography stacked next to his bed, out in the open, and he slept and walked around in the nude just like he'd done throughout my childhood. Suddenly, realizing I had my own children, I snapped out of it. I realized I had a sociopath for a father, and while I couldn't help that, I could keep him from being grandfather to my children. And that was the last I ever saw him.
Some of the behaviors you mention about your father, Nina, have now come back to me. My father also took portraits of himself. He was known for lying like a rug to women to pick them up. He would lie about his jobs, lie about my mother (he'd tell people she left him with four kids, when he was the one who left my mother for another woman, and they shared custody), lie about how much money he had.
When I was an adolescent, he started to hit on my friends - wouldn't leave us alone when my friends were over, insist upon hanging out "with" us.
He didn't have any adult friends his own age. Ever. No one ever invited him anywhere. He lost several jobs that I remember, and it was always "those sons of bitches" - never his fault.
As an adult, I would also look back and reaize we had lots of stolen merchandise in the house. I don't know how it got to the house, but it was just obvious the things came from other places - jewelry and other "presents" that came outside of boxes and bags, and without receipts; government cheese; office supplies that he would stack in the basement.
Nina, I am so sorry that you still have to go through this. The phone call about the "sexy voice" sent a chill down my spine. It is something my father would have done. It is wildly inappropriate, and I feel for you and know the sick feeling in the pit of your stomach that you must get.
I hate to say this, but I pray for you that you are released from this soon.
Dear Anonymous,
What struck me, after reading the description of your father, that it would have been a short leap from his behavior...to sexual abuse.
There is something about having one's own children that wakes you up the extreme dysfunction of our own childhoods.
No wonder you haven't thought too much about your ndad...it's just too icky and awful...and good for you for cutting him out so effectively from your life and head.
Wow. My ndad had no friends of his own, either...and I know he had difficulty with the people at work. What allowed him to "pass" is that his job as a printer meant be worked mostly alone. It was him and a machine all day.
Thank you for pointing out the obvious creepiness of my ndad's behavior. It's so easy to lose touch with reality when you're dealing with someone so twisted. My ndad had always repulsed me...and I too hope that I'll be released from what feels like slavery.
We'll have to compare notes about our mothers!
It makes sense that people who aren't clear about the boundaries between themselves and others would not respect other boundaries very well either. This is a trait common among all the narcissists I know. It doesn't always take on a sexual undertone like some of these examples, but it is probably quite common.
The sexual comments are common with my ndad, too. I've heard soooo many times about his past sexual experiences and even some of his experiences with my mother, and even makes jokes about his private parts to me. It's appalling and horrible to listen to, and when I say something to him about how I'm his daughter and don't want to hear it, his usual comebacks are laced with, "Well, it's true," and, "I can't say anything anymore." Or, worse, when I try to ignore it and don't say anything, he'll say, "I shouldn't talk that way to you girls [meaning my sister and I]." But, it never quits. The fact that someone else has had this experience makes me sad for those that have, but also a little relieved that I'm not the only one who ever had to deal with this disgusting crap.
Billie,
Your father and mine are nearly the same age and it's really astonishing how similar they sound...right down to their fallback, victim position of "everybody is against me" instead of a "Gee, I'm sorry, I'll stop grossing you out."
I'd written another post about how my father repulses me...and feeling rather bad about it. But when I wrote it, I forgot how much he pushes the father-daughter boundary with his sexualized talk. So it makes sense that we (me) need to put some distance between us because maybe we FEAR that they'll cross the line.
Dunno.
But unless it's happened to you, a person can't know how truly sickening it is to be spoken to like this by your own father.
This is where we gals need to hang together...and vent safely...without fear of a lecture. I told a very old friend about this and she went on and on about how I should find in my heart to forgive him because he can't help himself b/c he was abused as a child and that he's old and lonely and only has me left. BLECH!
So I started blogging.
Oddly, it's only been recently that I was able to internally shrug my shoulders instead of the obligation I put myself under to take care of him. Because he's "old and alone" and nobody else anywhere in the world can cope with him, save my sister in limited amounts, I just thought I couldn't bring myself to let something bad happen to him. Then I stopped and thought, "My God, how many bad things have happened as a direct result of his being such an a$$hole to EVERYONE, including me." I'm finally becoming truly aware of how much we as children make ourselves feel responsible for them, and I'm tired of apologizing to others because of hurtful or weird things he does. Dad just last week moved himself out of the Assisted Living situation I had him set up in because, frankly, he wouldn't take care of himself. He's a diabetic with a non-aggressive lung cancer, who is has dementia creeping up on him. He'd been in assisted living for going on a year, and all he could do every time I spoke to him was b*tch about how shitty this place was and how he couldn't wait to get back to his house. My sense of family duty kept this argument up with him until finally I could take no more. One day, he lied, yet again, and said, "The doctor said I could go home any time I want to." And, finally, I said, "Great!" And he just kept arguing with me like I had told him all the sane reasons why this was a bad idea and said, "The doctor says this place was too "rich" for my blood (meaning too expensive)." I said, "Dad, I said I was glad for you," and for a change, he didn't say anything or talk over me, like he was a little pissed that I didn't care enough to try to make him see things differently. Then on a weekday he hired someone to come move his things back to his family home because I was too selfish to take time off work and have my husband take time off work and help him do it for free. Now he keeps calling me and complaining about how lonely he is and how his daughters never come visit him. Now he's 30 miles away as opposed to a few blocks away from me. The cycle continues inasmuch as I let it. I can only hope that when he's dead and gone I can summon up some sort of positive memories of him so this sh*t won't haunt me forever, yet I know I'm trying to squeeze blood from a turnip. Thank you again for this blog. I can't tell you how healing it is to read the entries of you and others who know.
I am currently reading up on narcissistic parents, for my 16 yr step daughter. She is a child who had both narcissistic parents, and her father who had custody. She has been with me now for 5 yrs and calls me mom. The problem now, is that her father & I are separated...I am looking for ways for her to cope with her father. Only once in a while we ask for him to drive her around, but it is always an issue! Just this Saturday, he called her selfish because he left what he was doing to drive her to a party three miles from the house. He then had to pick her up 3 hrs later and drop her off to a babysitting job. By that time, she was crying so hard of the things her father told her. (She selfish, she owes him for all that he has done for her ((and yet she is with me)). She asked if she has to see him at all. But, then I have no legal rights to her. I am thinking about going to court to have her considered an adult and then she does have to see him. Any help out there?
Nina: Thank you for providing this space. Reading your notes and those of others; the open hearted testiments of abuse rings a gong with in me. I read so much about Daughters of narcissistic parents but see nothing about the Sons. We are here as well sharing the common problem. Love and freedom to us all...~Peter
I am trying to make sense of these comments, and surely this is "my" strong narcissism kicking in, because as I am reading, my brain is consistently trying to tell myself I do not act like this, I am perfect.
I have only realized tonight that my narcissism is so destructive that it has got me expelled from school, kicked out of where I lived at university and all the while it was absolutely everyones fault but my own.
I feel truly sorry for those who wrote this and the people who meet me in the future (who become close to me) as I am as prone to narcissistic rage as the fathers expressed. I can tell you now that there is no remorse when the rage subsides (any attempts are simply acting).
I am interested in the cycle that my family has gone through with my parents having narcissistic parents and in result spoiling my brother and sister and I to the point where they have recently re-mortgaged their house to provide us all with $110000 each, which in all honesty, I feel like I deserve, well at least cannot say no to after my brother has convinced them to give it to him (by threat of violence). I feel this has made my brother, sister and I narcissistic by way of never needing to provide for anyone else, being adored when we give no love in return and now "expecting" the world to be at our feet because we are in every aspect of the word "special". By this, I mean it is a cycle.
Speaking on behalf of all narcissists out there, I would like to (in a brief moment of empathy) appologise to those who we WILL emotionally hurt and I would suggest running for the hills when you hear the first signs, trust me, we do not care how you feel, do not care what is going on in your life and you will endlessly be stuck standing on the other side of the mirror.
P.s I am narcissistic! and what I have told you is not all true, but I am actually unable to go back and change the in-discrepancies as way of ego (sounds strange but true) and take this as a warning when meeting other narcissists.
Its really painful that such things had to happen to us growing up.my dad also has a narcissistic disorder but for him he would go around with prostitutes as my mother and i watched in disbelief tried having sex with our nannies and the moment he did not get what he wanted he would throw a fit and make every ones life miserable.it was all about him and what he wanted was never contented with his own life but still wanted to make others miserable it was either his way or the highway and if he was not included in anything then probably it would never succeed.He wanted to feel indispensable life would not go on without him.I tried my best to cope up with this behavior but it proved almost futile.my dad is growing older now and is now more mature.Alcohol is not its bestfriend anymore because he is growing weaker.am stronger than i would ever have been if i had not gone through this and even though he has hurt me greatly am still glad to know that i have a father.
My parents are both narcisstic. My father is a self admitted alcoholic and gambler and my mother is a food addict. I have had to cut off contact with both of them. No matter what, I am always at fault. They are never wrong. The last time I saw my father, he was talking about sex For HOURS in front of my 9 year old daughter. When I asked him to stop, he got annoyed WITH ME. Then he insisted that we go into a casino in Atlantic City and have my daughte stay there. The managers asked us to take her out 3 x or they would FINE ME $2000. When I left with her, he got mad at me for leaving.
When my daughter wad a baby, my mother continually criticised how I was raising my daughter. I eventually stopped visiting my mother because she started to convince me I was being a bad parent. I even asked a neighbor of ours because I was starting to question my judgement. Anyway, when I stopped visiting my mother, she told all of the relatives on her side that I was harming my daughter and I was too embarrassed to bring my child to her house. The whole thing is too crazy and I don't like either of my parents. I think my father is a sex addict because he continually solicits hookers also makes sex comments about his body. Its skievy. I can't bring my daughter there because she kept asking me what strippers and 'friends with benefits' are. My father molested two of my brothers and admitted to it and my mother knows about it.
Neither one has any friends and they both lie about everything. I really believed my father was a millionaire for most of my life and he wasn't.
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