Not every blog reader has time to read through the comments.
Once in a while, (often, actually) someone leaves a comment that is especially insightful or meaningful and I think, gee, I hope everybody reads that.
So I decided to copy and paste this comment - written by Anonymous Bob - and share it with you. (I hope he doesn't mind).
We were talking about what an enormous difference it makes when the adult child of a narcissist finally gets third party confirmation that their parent is impossible.
"Yes! Because when somebody validates the truth about our situation, about our parents or our history, a truth we may have felt but a truth that we couldn't understand or admit intellectually because we were busy trying to adapt and conform to survive there will be a release of the tension between our feelings and thoughts because finally our intellectual understanding and our feelings are at least a step closer to being in sync!
I'm starting to think that this may be the most important thing in healing from having narcissistic parents. Maybe we can't change our parents but we can finally find the truth about how things were - we can have our experiences and our feelings validated."
(emphasis mine)
5 comments:
Wow thank you Nina, I'm honored!
Thanks Nina, and thanks too Bob for such a powerful comment - that's just how I feel when I read your stuff Nina - validated, understood - its' really strange after all these years to finally realise a)what I am dealing with and b)that I'm not alone. If it wasn't for finding your blogs, Nina, I'd still be lacking that validation. So thankyou a million times over.
Years ago I read a book that listed a number of characteristics common among abused children who managed to be relatively functional adults. How do some kids get through a bad childhood better than others?
The first and most critical characteristic, was that the child came to understand, hopefully sooner rather than later, that THEY were not the problem. It's my parents who were messed up, not me.
Some of us come to this understanding later than others, and most of us come to it gradually. I think you blogs, Nina, help a lot of us to feel that we aren't alone, that we weren't the crazy ones, and that we can be ok.
Thank you for this comment. In therapy yesterday (aren't we all?), my therapist pointed out that my father is an incredible narcissist. I didn't even know what he meant by that. "Narcissist" is thrown around as an adjective, like "sarcastic," etc. I didn't realize that it was an actual diagnosis -- or that there was a name for the abuse my sisters and I have suffered. (And that we continue to tolerate at the hands of other people.)
For years, I've wondered, "What is UP with Dad?? Is he ADD? An alcoholic? Manic-depressive??" and I'd read on the internet, trying to find commentary I could identify with.
FINALLY I have found it. Thanks so much. It is freeing to know that I'm not crazy, that my neuroses have a cause (even if they are mine to correct now), and that I'm not alone.
The first time I really got the validation that I needed was from reading Alice Miller. I subsequently read everything she wrote and I felt such relief. This blog has provided another layer of relief. Thank you so much for creating it.
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