While I'm doing a bit of research on the next post about Stockholm Syndrome and whether it applies to some of us adult children of narcissists, I'd like to the answer the following question posed by an Anonymous commenter:
"Yes, I actually got here by googling elderly narcissistic parent with dementia....I am in a long Groundhog effect loop with a narcissistic mother and hope to add lots and lots of comments. Right now though, I want to ask you about your getting over hypochondria?? How??? I could really use some help."
Well, heck, I'm probably just as qualified as some advice columnists out there, so I'll give it a whirl. Which means I'm hardly qualified.
First, some thoughts.
--Both my self-absorbed parents modeled hypochondriacal behavior. My mother spent a lot of time in bed with various ailments and a bad back. My father went to the emergency room. A lot. I think I picked up on their fear of illness, even though I rarely got sick myself.
--For most of my life, I've repressed anger and resentment toward my parents. Secretly, I hated them, but pretended to be loving and dutiful. I believe that in order to distract myself from my real feelings, I became riddled with anxiety and became a raging hypochondriac.
In order for me to stop being a hypochondriac, I had to admit I loathed my parents. I had to be honest. I had the luck of having mental health insurance. I spent a year with a therapist and just talked. For the first time in my life, I was allowed to express myself without being corrected, interuppted or yelled at. Much of my anxiety was released. More was released when I finally set some boundaries and began to stick up for myself.
But the hypochondria had got out of control.
It had become a HABIT. The repeated breast-checking for lumps, the constant nagging worry that every little ache and pain meant some horrible, lurking cancer had a life of its own...a thing that fed on itself and was eating me up. If you have hypochondria, I don't have to explain to you what it's like.
But there was something else, too. Something linked to feeling UNWORTHY. Like I had no right to be happy, to exist, to breathe or be well.
Every opportunity for joy I ruined with worrying about a possible disease.
So I had to break the cycle.
Don't laugh. I had to sit on my hands so I wouldn't check for breast lumps. I started off with small increments of time: an hour. For an hour I wouldn't think about any of that stuff. When I finally succeeded, I stretched it to two hours, then three, then four, and so on until I'd reached a day. The days eventually reached a week. In the beginning, I had to distract myself with projects or forcing myself to be in the moment with my children, my husband or watching a movie.
I repeatedly told myself, "I am worthy" and I "deserve to be happy." I forced myself to go to the doctor regularly and in between, gave myself permission not to fret. That sounds easy...the deciding. But it isn't. The most important aspect to this was the decision to embrace my worth. To value myself. To allow myself to be happy and joyful.
I honestly feel that if I were actually to get sick, now, I'd be upset, sure, but I'd fight whatever it was. I wouldn't want to let it control or define me. The hypochondria was masking something I was terrified to face.
If this sounds too simple to be true, please believe that this worked for me. It simply took a lot of practice and mindfulness to break an awful, terrible habit.
If you've dealt with hypochondria and would like to share any thoughts about it...or how to overcome it...please leave your advice!
14 comments:
nina,
A few thoughts come to mind.
First off, chronic stress DOES make you sick. It raises your cortisol levels and throws your immune system out of whack. Emotional abuse produces kids who are more prone to all kinds of illness and infection. One of the keys to stopping the cycle is to get out of or greatly reduce the contact in those stressful relationships. Some people can't get well until they do NC with their families for an extended period of time.
Going further, though, I think that sometimes our "illnesses" are really just a cry for attention from others, the attention we never got as kids. It's the only way we know sometimes how to get others interested in us in a sympathetic way without judgment. The problem with that, of course, is that it wears out other people and they get tired of it.
part of it too is learned, watching one's parents freak out over every little thing like you describe...But more than that I think it's a kind of hiding from other people because of our fear of not being accepted (again).
wily
Nina, what a great topic to discuss. I have struggled with hypochondria, too. Though, not as severe as yours. But there has always been that thought in the back of my head that I am harboring some horrible disease. The funny thing is, it turns out, I DO have a genetic disorder that has a good chance of leading to heart and kidney disease (even funnier is that my N mom unknowingly gave it to both of her kids and then proceeded to spend the last 15 years complaining about the fact that SHE has it but never apologizing to her two daughters or showing any sort of sympathy). It was almost a relief to find out though, because now it's not so scary. I'm no longer dealing with the unknown, and it's not so scary once you know you can fight it. Back to the topic, though. I spent so much time going to doctors and specialists for every little fear, and now I realize it was probably in search for the kind of care that my mother (who is a nurse, by the way, which is laughable) never would give me.
Once again, I'm amazed at the commonalities between all of us survivors. I CAN'T WAIT to read the Stockholm post!
i didn't suffer from hypochondria as a child, but i did have some psychosomatic symptoms of living in such a stressful household, in fear of everything. for example, every school year from 3rd grade through 9th grade, for the first month or so of school, i would spend 15-30 minutes in the morning before school, dry heaving over the bathroom sink. i was such a bundle of nerves from growing up with my npd father (and my mother that supported him, not the children) that i think having to go off to school tipped the scales so far that i couldn't take it any more. i was just so completely scared and nervous - i was always a perfect A student, teacher's pet, and people-pleaser. did my parents think, "oh dear why is our daughter so upset? should we get her help?" (and possibly air the family's dirty laundry? hell no!) no, they told me, "you are doing this to yourself. you are making yourself so upset. just knock it off." who ignores the fact that their child is so anxious they are nearly puking every day in september, every year? npd parents!
also, i am really looking forward to your post on Stockholm Syndrome. my sister and i (i'm 31 and she is 28) are both in therapy and are working on undoing the damage my parents have done. We also have a 19 yr old brother, the baby of the family, who lives at home with parents. He shows all the signs of Stockholm Syndrome. Identifies with his captors, protects them, etc. He has seen the wrath of my npd father in the past, but now chooses to ignore it, saying he deserved the terrible treatment he received. (My brother fell into a suicidal depression at about 16, and missed school for weeks on end, and this resulted in repeated terrible rages from my father) My NPD father & my mother have brainwashed this poor soul and are hanging onto him for dear life, because he is their last child, and my sister and I have begun cutting them off. (i am no contact 6 months and she is low contact).
Anyhow, enough about me... Nina, I love your blog and always look forward reading it! Keep up the good work! And thank you! :)
I didn't develop hyponchondria, although I did develop other symptoms of stress, and after many years of heavy stress I developed chronic depression. Depression is common in my birth family, but I seem to have it worse than many of them, and I think the constant high cortisol levels (or something) made it worse.
My N-mom, also my adoptive mother, was a very hystrionic sort of person who never had a headache that wasn't a stroke. Meanwhile, my aches and pains were mostly dismissed as cries for attention.
Your determination is amazing, Nina! Conquiering the obsessive worry and lump-checking took a lot of will power.
I developed a bit of hypochondria, but nothing even close to as severe you did, Nina. Instead, like Celera, I grew symptoms I attribute to stress: depression, somatic joint pains, feeling exhausted/sleepy, and the most terrible, insatiable itching.
I admire your determination (and methodology) in fighting your hypochondria. It never ceases to amaze me just how widespread are the damages done by narcissistic parents.
Ella
Nina,
I too suffer from Hypochondria. It first started very young when I was in grade school, I would go half of the day and then tell the teacher I was sick and go home early, probably happened 1-2 times a week. Other times I would fake sick in the morning to my parents so I wouldn't have to go to school. It backfired once when I really was throwing up sick (from both ends) in 5th grade and my Dad told me I had taken too many days off school and he forced me to go to school (with no shower for 4 days and still sick). I cryed the whole way in the car on the way to school. I was so embarassed showing up midday and joining the rest of my class and boys telling me I stink! I was so embarrassed...and sick still! I hated my Dad for that. It didn't cure my Hypochondria though. I'm 32 and still suffer daily thinking I have Lymphoma, Lung cancer, breast cancer, Carpel tunnel...the list goes on. I'm on WebMd all the time checking symptoms and also searching internet sites for what could be wrong with me. I've been to the DR. many times and they can't find anything wrong and give me a questioneer to fill out (about depression and anxiety) because they tell me it's in my head. It's a horrible way to live!! I totally understand Nina, I'm sorry you have to deal with it too.
Nina, I admire how you actively took steps to fetter away your hypochondria. That takes discipline and will that most won't even bother, at least not without drugs.
Like Ella and Celera, I don't have hypochondria but had chronic stuff due to stress: stomach aches that sends me to my knees, awful itching that grew into hives, and not surprisingly, depression. But I do worry. 2 years ago I woke up to find my index finger twitching independent of me. A sweet colleague has Parkinson while in his mid 40s so I immediately thought of this scenerio and started crying because now I'm really stuck with mom who would jump at the chance to marytre herself. Fortunately the twitching only lasted 48 hours and haven't been back since. Still have no idea what that was about.
Reading others' comments, it continue to infuriate me how utterly selfish and obtuse narcissistic parents are when they inflict themselves onto their own children. And yet... and yet, I still want to take care of them...Ah, out of my head, damn you parasites!
The stress of being in the narcissist's whereabouts has caused me to experience symptoms that I was sure was some type of terrible illness - upon testing, nothing wrong has been found. So, I've learned to accept that my stress over this stupidity is probably making me ill and I'm working on it. Thanks for this post, Nina.
A lot of people have commented on the psychosomatic reactions to having an N parent. And I just wanted to say that YES, I too have experienced becoming physically ill due to the stress and anxiety. Stomach issues, headaches, fatigue, muscle twitches, etc etc etc. So not only do many of us seek out the nurturing of a physician because we didn't get it from home, but we are also experience honest-to-goodness illness from the stress.
I think I went the other way when it comes to hypochondria. My parents were both really self-obsessive. The creams, the lotions, the vitamins, the plastic surgery procedures. They were very vain people.
Part of my rebelling was to do the opposite. I saw how they raged against getting old, like if they just wanted it badly enough, they'd never have to age.
Well, they did. Shocker.
I keep up with my doctor and dentist visits, and if something's wrong, they'll find it. If I don't have a pain, I don't try to imagine one.
My parents are ridiculously afraid of death. My thought has always been, Kings and Queens and many other truly great people through the ages have died before me. Who am I to think I am so special that I should have some extra special place or time on this planet? As someone once said, the cemeteries are filled with lots of people who thought quite highly of themselves in their time.
Life's too exciting to spend all the time looking in the mirror ..
Hi, so this is a very interesting experience for me. I have a N mother, the kind who (metaphorically) baked herself cookies and invited the neighborhood over every time I was ill, which was often. At 17 i even found myself in a wheel chair because I was in so much pain that i could not walk. My mother was there for me through it all and magically on the back of every illness came another one.
I do think that part of my journey away from stress/depression induced illnesses and hypochondria was drugs. I started taking a lot of extasy. Let me reframe that, A LOT of extasy and i found a happy, relaxed space outside of my mothers planet where i could simply exist. Also through therapy I learned a lot about having emotions and that, get this, they are actually connected to real life events. That was very empowering news to me!
So I began a journey of seperation and health and even happiness for the first time in my life, and that was AMAZING. But get this, and this next part is what inspired me to write this whole post. As soon as I REFUSED to be sick anymore, and threw out the years of medication, my N mother started to suffer from all kinds of illnesses and the woman started taking all kinds of meds. Not that she had not already spent her life sick, depressed and in bed, but now she was stepping up her game and some new physical illnesses came to bat. That taught me a lot.
I want to thank nina and all who post here!!
Hi Nina,
I found your blog when my dad suggested I google "narcissistic parents" to help me with my ongoing recovery and PTSD from being my mother's daughter. I went through two years of therapy after a failed suicide attempt. To give you a taste of my mother: when I was in the hospital for said issue, my father flew across the country to be with me (I was 20) and the day I got out of the hospital I reluctantly took a call from my mother for the first time since before said event. The first words out of her mouth were "We would like to have our Daddy back. So whenever you're done with him, you know we need him here. He's supposed to hang the outside Christmas lights and other things, so..." at which point I just handed the phone back to my Dad. Oh yeah, she's a peach. Your descriptions of you father are my mother to a T. I swear they're the same person. To make matters grander I have a younger sister with a genetic disease that means she is mentally and physically handicapped and has had several major surgeries. I'm sure you can imagine how your father would have handled that one...
But I have a side question that I was hoping others might address. I'm not sure where to ask, so if anybody has any suggestions of forums or the like, that would be helpful. It's been very difficult for me to accept the fact that I'm a lesbian. I'm finally coming out, but I can't help thinking that a large part of the struggle with acceptance was the fact that I cannot stand my mother yet I have a loving relationship with my father. Not to mention the last thing I wanted to give my mother was one more thing for her to use to get people to give her sympathy (not only does she have one sick daughter and one son who is a Marine and might end up in Iraq but now a GAY daughter as well! Ahhhhh!) I'd be really curious if there's anybody out there that had a similar struggle?
Hey Anon,
Being queer with N-parents can be horrible. To give you a little background, I am currently married to a man, but I am also attracted to women, transpersons, ambigious etc. I don't have a specific label for my sexuality such as "lesbian" or "gay"; Queer works fine for me.
It all really depends on your parents' background and how much time you spend with them. For me, it was very difficult because my parents were strictly Catholic and were also, unfortunately, narcissists. Honestly, I hid it until I could be away from them and in a healthy enviornment. I had several girlfriends in college and once my mother caught a whiff of this, she went totally ballistic with the N-shit. She often made my identity something that was going to ruin her reputation. You have to remember that you can't change a N-parent. You are you and whoever you are is OKAY. It will take time to identify some coping mechanisms, but don't let your N-parent's shit run your life.
This may mean cutting your losses and keeping this private until you are in a safe enviornment. The last thing you need is to feel guilty for your sexual orientation!
Love and Pride,
Susie
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