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My daughter decided (with much guilt) to not invite my parents to her child's baptism because "I really want to have a special event that's not about Grandpa." I could have cried because I realized that ALL of our holidays, weddings, graduations and other family events are ALWAYS about how we planning to deal with my dad.
My own father ruined: the birth of first daughter (drama involving "bad back"--back never to pose problem again); birth of second daughter (visited with mother in early stage Alzheimer's, kept secret, then left me alone w/mother, newborn and toddler...mother hallucinates, endangers baby and runs out into the street). Instead of bonding w/babies, I was attending to parental needs. Husband took care of babies.
Besides the trauma of having a narcissistic parent, there's also the additional challenge of MANAGING THE NARCISSISTIC PARENT. This is a constant, anxiety provoking exercise, filled with anger and resentment that you can't have a semi-normal Thanksgiving or reunion like other families where Aunt Clara nods off because she drank too many wine spritzers or the 40-year old twins start sniping like teenagers.
We're not talking about the usual family dysfunction. We're talking about trying to ward off the narcissistic parent or grandparent going nuclear because they are not the center of attention. The worrying often begins weeks before the event. What would it be like if we didn't invite N? Wouldn't that be nice! No, we can't possible exclude him! That would be mean! What if N found out? Okay, we'll take turns sitting with N and divert him so Ashley can open her birthday presents and, for once, enjoy center stage. How can we keep N from making a toast and speech that goes on for an hour? What if N starts going on about how hard he worked and starts listing everything he's done for his ungrateful brats?
We become expert at running through scenarios and planning exit strategies. We're fast and nimble at scurrying about, trying to limit the damage...making excuses, smoothing down ruffled feathers, always trying to appease our parent so we can just get through the fucking event without a major meltdown. And when we finally get home, we realize...nope...despite our best efforts...the narcissistic parent or grandparent has done it yet again! Ruined another occasion.
Even going out to a simple breakfast with my narcissistic father was an exhausting experience. He'd leech onto the waitress and talk her ear off or turn around and start yakking at the poor people trying to enjoy their meal next to us or have some sort of drama because another family was seated first or the waitress slighted him because she forgot he always had three eggs instead of two.
Of course, the narcissistic grandparent is not capable of actually helping with the grand kids. They don't do usual stuff like running them to the potty during a restaurant meal or occasionally babysitting or making them cookies or calling when Ashley gets a fever of 103. They are good at talking about how upset they are about Ashley's fever or that they were putting aside money for Ashley's college education, thereby endangering their own retirement.
The truth is...there IS no way to manage the narcissistic parent or grandparent. We try. God, how do we try. Sometimes, we go through extraordinary lengths to contain them, not unlike some scene out of Jurassic Park when the T-Rex is on the loose. Our narcissistic parent careens about...wrecking havoc...except we can't go running away, screaming. When we look over our shoulder, panting and desperate to escape, we discover we're actually chained to them!
Unfortunately, the only way to manage the narcissistic parent or grandparent is to haul out the bolt cutters and cut the chain and say, "bye-bye!"
19 comments:
Unfortunately, the only way to manage the narcissistic parent or grandparent is to haul out the bolt cutters and cut the chain and say, "bye-bye!"
Absolutely! Witnessing my mom's utter and complete disinterest in her only grandchildren where one of many scales falling from my eyes. You are so right about N-grandparents harping how saving/spending any iota of money on grandchildren where sucking their own retirement dry. Behind the harping of "sacrificing retirement funds" was the message of "make me the number one priority above your own children and spouse".
....thereby endangering their own retirement! hahaha... i recognize. pop put the college ira in HIS OWN NAME for our little guy... yeah, um, thanks.
Thank you Nina for sharing your experiences about growing up with narcissistic parents. I've been reading your posts with a huge sense of "a-hah.... finally I know what's wrong with me!" The narcissist in my life is my father. Still trying to figure out how my mom fit into all of it, but I sure am relating to everyone's comments.
Regarding this thread on "managing the narcissistic parent"... I wonder how many children of n-parents are having the same experience as my sister and I just days away from the dreaded Thanksgiving holiday. We have already had the yearly "what are we going to do about Dad?" conversations.
Questions like:
Can we just not invite him over for dinner?
How about we just bring him over a plate of food and hang out at his place for a little while and then leave? He'll be talking so he might not even notice we've left.
If he does end up at our place for dinner, for Gods sake make sure he doesn't have access to any alcohol.
Do we dare invite a family friend who's going through a tough time and needs someplace to be for the holiday, or would we just be subjecting our friend to our fathers' non stop pontification?
Our mother passed away two years ago 4 days before Christmas which was typical holiday behaviour for her...(sorry mom!) so the dynamics of family dinners have changed.
Although the challenge placed on my sister and I to try and keep some semblance of civility between them during the meal is no longer there, dad now has the stage all to himself and it's up to us to be his applauding audience with no intermission.
Anyway I'd love to hear some stories of how the rest of you are coping with the dreaded holidays. Good luck to all of you!
Right now an old man that talks too much doesn't sound too bad. My mom was narcissistic and the behaviors went way beyond. We had a difficult relationship. I didn't get the chance to really find out if I missed her when she passed recently as my son, a young adult whom I loved with all of my heart, died shortly thereafter. Last Christmas they were both here with us and this year both are gone. My husband and I have received no invitations for the holidays from anyone: family or friends. I suppose they may feel that the sadness would ruin their cheer or something. We are not narcissistic but when you don't want someone around for the holidays, I guess you just don't invite them. Though I feel hurt in a way I am not resentful and will attend other functions and likely invite these people to my home as I have in the past. Nobody has a right to be a part of someone else's celebration although narcissists do feel entitled. Grandpa will have to get over it and be glad that he has children and grandchildren.
Sad for the holidays
Reminds me of the way my N-C of a mother always has to be right. She doesn't want to win the war, she wants to win every battle. I say anything, she has to set me straight, and on and on. She will contradict herself trying to prove what a damn fool I am.
It's amazing how these N people are so similar in what they do and say.
Now she's lost her short term memory. She'll challenge me on what she doesn't remember, as if I'm gas lighting her. She couldn't remember seeing her Dr last week. She didn't see him. There's something screwy in my head cus I think I took her. She's so abrasive and combative.
Thank you all SO much for your postings. I am the daughter of a narcissistic mother who finally found out that I am not alone! I have always hated myself since I was a kid because I was told by my mom that I was never as pretty as she was, too skinny, that I had knobby knees, acne (she wan't sure where it came from since her skin had been perfect), and terrible posture (she would always threaten to have me put into a back brace). I have been her emotional punching bag while my brother was left unscathed, which has also made our relationship difficult as he cannot understand why I think mom is cruel. My son is turning 7 in one week and a few days ago he told me that he didn't really care to go to grandma and grandpa's house since they just ignore him when he is there. They live in a 4 bdrm house and make him sleep on a mattress in the living room when he stays over night. They also live only 5 minutes away and just "stop by" without calling, even after my husband and I have asked them to call first. I am now very sad that I was never loved, but also relieved that I am not the same type of mom to my wondeful son. My dad enables her behavior by excusing it as "you know she loves you". TODAY - I can honestly say that if that is truly "love" then I don't need it in my life.
That is ironic. There are times when the n-parent has had to travel elsewhere to visit our relatives.
Suddenly...
The house was very quiet.
There was a lot less tension in the air.
Narcissistic In-laws?
I am certain I have narcissistic in-laws. They have never accepted me for anything. From day one. We've been together for 15 years and the criticism has been any where from I'm not religious enough to I acted "moody" at a family function or I haven't kept my house clean enough for their standards. They let it be known that cannot stand our dogs & the dog poop in the yard. my MIL even blamed ME for my husband slipping and falling on our patio this summer. She said "well YOU should have thrown a rug down". This is hurtful, obviously, but what I really struggle with is when it involves my kids. They say that I "keep the kids from them to punish them" which is not the case. They live 15 minutes away and have not lifted a finger to see them, never ask about them. His mom even told me, if I was more "family" oriented, she "might" have some interest in our kids. Mind you, I am a stay at home mom who does it all, I'm not sure how much more family oriented I could be. But it isn't the kind of family oriented that THEY want. ie: us serving them. They even neglected to wish our youngest a happy birthday over the phone when my husband called them. He was born on Christmas , which was another one of their "complaints": They made comments like, I sure hope he won't be born on that day, that would really suck, of course, he was born that day. After he was born, they don't acknowledge his birthday, except for to say "that really sucks fpr him" or "you should really do his birthday at the half way point through the year so he ACTUALLY has a birthday". Well, he does have a birthday, it just isn't convenient for them and "disrupts" their precious holiday. Our five year old has already caught on to their neglect, and I don't want to expose my kids to these people who dislike (me) their mother in every sense. It just isn't right, in my opinion. My husband is caught in the middle of this mess,(which they blame me for) but he still loves his parents. He is hoping for a "civil" relationship at some point, but I am hesitant to even consider this after all the mental torture they have put me through for more than a decade. Now that we have kids, I feel like I need to protect the boys from them and their destructive behavior. If it isn't bad enough that they are like this, my sister in law is the same, if not worse, and when his mom and sister get together, it's like a gang up on me fest. Subtle, snide comments thrown every which way from how my kids are acting, what they are wearing, what they are doing, how I am acting, what I look like, whether or not I'm acting perfect enough, or if I helped out enough at the function. The problem I see, is that it'll never be enough. When I told them we were expecting another boy, his mom said, "oh, don't you want a girl?" As if we control that. His sister said, "that really sucks, actually".His sister is a very manipulative person who tries from every angle to have all the attention on her. She has won, she is the golden child and her kids who they see non-stop are too, (which I am fine with, takes the attention away from us) she has zero boundaries with them, which is what they want from us. I am a firm believer in boundaries!!! ;) They'd love to see me out of the picture for good, and have their son without me, but I refuse to let people like this ruin my marriage. I have completely distanced myself, my husband has limited contact, but not entirely.
how do you remove your post? does any one know how to do this?
Ok so I know this going to be a lot different and even insigificant but recently my dad used the "i'm going to kick you out" on me first time he's said to my face too. I am just wondering if its an empty threat or a for reals one because he was mad about not being able to have the money to fix his car and because I didn't do the dishies oh and because I put my clothes were I normally put them. First off I was doing my algebra homework, then I went to sleep because it started making me drowsy. But the thing was he didnt even ask me to do the dishes he! Anyway after I woke up I put the clothes that usually go into the other room in the other room thats when he yelled at me. So again im asking if this was an empty threat or if I should start looking for some other place to live?
After three decades of torment, I have finally understood what I am dealing with: a severely n-father. While I am prepared to "cut the chain" for myself, I feel guilty about creating the inevitable separation for my kids to the grandparents - especially their grandmother. It would be practically impossible to have them maintain a normal relationship with her, if I do not allow my father into my life.
Does anyone have any advice about this?
Anon March 2012
What ever you decide to do will undoubtedly have repercussions that you don't like...but the point is trying to find the answer that most suits you.
Severely restricting access, and keep tight control of the occasional visits i.e. at your home, no other visitors, you watching over the children. Playing down any histrionics or favouritism at the time. Talking to the children afterwards to explain or minimise the trauma!! Is skype a possibility for your Mother and the children?
Someone on this blog made the comment about exposing children to evil to know evil. Well, there's a lot to be said for giving them an inoculation against n.people by being able to observe at a safe distance.
All this means stress and trouble for you, and if you have suffered enough, then the only thing left is to think of yourself and the children and follow through with the advice all over this blog and "cut the ties that bind".
Wishing you well!
Anon March 2012
P.S.......Don't forget that your Mother picked him and has had years to find out why, so if she looses out on seeing the grandchildren, it is somewhat down to her. She cannot be an innocent bystander in all this.
X
i AM A SPOUSE OF A NARCISSIST. Generally we are people of low selfesteem which is massaged by the narcssist We are kept in our place subject to lots of domestic violence and trapped for years. Dont be too hard on your mother she has suffered enough
My father is a narcissist. He is a more covert than overt. People who don't know him love him and think he is great. He does things for people, but you don't realize until it is too late what the price is. He criticizes my poor brother constantly (his career choice, his wife choice, even his house). My dad is the ultimate perfectionist and no one, I mean no one, will ever live up to his standards. Fortunately, my mother is not a narcissist and is the only reason I didn't grow up a crazy person. The #1 sign is that they have no empathy for others. They cannot understand someone having a different perspective from their own. he has systematically ripped everyone from my mother's life, but she just won't leave him. I talk to her constantly about the abuse and how it is NOT okay. I am worried now for my 7 and 9 year old. His ultimate fear is that we will keep his grandkids from him, but it is a self-fulfilling prophecy because of the way he acts. Anyway, I know how all of you feel and the things you have been through. It is not love. You have to mourn that relationship and move on. My husband has nothing to do with my dad because he recognized it before the rest of us did that he just is not normal and does not have emotions.
To anyone concerned about grabbing the bolt cutters and cutting the chain for the sake of the grandchildren.... That is all the more reason - to preserve your family!
My n mom had my oldest sisters firsr kid taken away from her, basically hand delivered her to my sisters ex-husband just after the divorce. My sister had problems but he was no saint either. Then 6 years later she had another kid, and moved next door to have family support. My mom drove her insane and when my sister attempted suicide at the never ending snipes my n mom had that kid taken away and adopted out and ensured that my sister never saw either of the kids again. My sister, depraved of her two daughters, constantly tried to get into my n moms good books so she might get to see her daughters again but my n mom had written her off for dead. Sickeningly, after my sister successfully killed herself, my n mom took the opportunity to wear her grief on her sleeve for 3 years it made me sick given how horribly she treated her her whole life.
My other sister is entirely enmeshed with my n mom and youd think that my nephew is my n moms kid, rather than my sisters. My n mom travels for six hours to watch him play a regular season soccer game goes to every birthday every christmas and ignores the rest of the family because he is her "favorite" grandson. She has him up at their place for a week and she is weirdly secretive about these summer visits. If im in town i cant even stop by to say hi because he is there. I asked my sister about this and she doesnt have any problem with me seeing him. Apparently she lets him do every single thing my sister doesnt let him do, ranging from junk food , sweets, staying up late, eating whatever he wants, watching tv shows that she wont let him watch, etc.. All these things that my n mom tells my sister not to let him do at home and she knows my sister would be furious if she found out - so nobody can set foot on the property while he is around. No other grandkid gets this weeklong visit.
N mothers have a way of turning grandkids against their own kids when their kids start to establish boundaries, they use grandkids against their kids by triangulating and the setup starts early.
After watching what my mother did to my older sisters kids i would not allow my daughter to ever be alone with her. After realizing that she is a covert narcissist, i have cut off all co tact whatsoever.
My kid has a crazy grandpa who spoios her just fine on my gfs side of the family. She will do well to be without my psycho n mother when she hits those ever important teen years. I remember the hell i went through and other kids in our family. Especially the girls but i got trated pretty crappy too. Im not going to let my daughter have to figure that crap out.
These are grandparents who whip out their stupid iphone and start playing loud dumb unrelated videos when my daughter was all proud showing them that she could finally read because she was behind, totally not paying attention at all. Those are grandparents that a kid can definitely live without.
Hey there :)
I only recently recognised that my mom ( and a sibling possibly, much to my sadness) is an N after i started empowering myself after finishing a relationship with an NPD person...
I'm trying so desperately to figure out how to manage a narc, as I might be facing the necessity to go back to live with my parents... I dread it, I'd take any job that'd come up, and I 'm doing my best so hopefully that won't happen.
Thx for the website anyway, nice to know one's not alone :)
Thank you for this blog post. I found it so healing to read it and know that I'm not alone.
'always trying to appease our parent so we can just get through the f&%$@ event without a major meltdown'
My graduation for my Phd is coming up, and this is EXACTLY how I've felt. Another ceremonial burden. When I graduated from law school, my NM threw a tantrum and ranted continuously for hours about waiting for my NF who in turn, blew into a rage at her. Ditto with my Masters graduation. I was completely drained.
Yesterday, I finally found the courage to cancel my NM's ticket (after she made a dig about 'if I were intelligent enough to wash the dogs, that'd be good.').
My NF (who is her enabler) is a completely different person when he's not in the presence of my NM. When my NF hasn't spent time with my NM, he is kind, loving, and funny. The mere presence of my NM changes everything.
When I graduate next week, I can finally look forward to a day of peace, joy, and one day that's about me, for once. It's symbolic of my new life; one of peace and joy.
My mother has been awful to me my whole life, but completely idolized my brothers. My dad was great and is the only reason I am a sane, confident, successful, beautiful woman. My mother cant stand it, so I went no contact with her 3 years ago. It is SOOO freeing. I'm getting married in a few months and a lot of people have asked, 'are you inviting your mother?'
Why would I invite anyone I don't talk to??
I don't go around and tell everyone the drama and shit she put me thru, that's what 20 years of therapy was for...
I cant wait to have my wedding day, without her- without drama, and without her awful stares.
hugs to everyone out there going thru this with a narcissist parent!!
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