Sunday, January 31, 2010

Really Mean Old Parents

Hah! I called that one!

Recently, a neighbor complained that the elderly man who lives next door has horrible, selfish adult children who've abandoned him in his time of need and rarely visited.

The old guy is a character and seems nice enough, but then again, so did my narcissistic father who turned me into his emotional caretaker and sucked me dry. I know for a fact that some neighbors and family members called me a horrible, selfish, ingrate because I rarely visited after I left home.

"Who knows?" I told my neighbor. "Bob (named changed) might be an okay guy, but he might be a nasty, abusive parent. There may be a good reason his kids don't visit. Or you may be right. They could be selfish pigs." My neighbor conceded one never does know what goes on behind closed doors.

Well, the door opened wide enough for me to get a peek inside and it wasn't pretty, folks.

The maligned horrible, selfish adult daughter had taken her father out in her car and when I was walking by, dog in tow, I heard her explain - nicely - that she needed to get going because she'd left her dog inside all day and she needed to let him out and go potty.

Bob responded by saying, "I don't give a shit! What do I care? Get the hell out of here?" (This shouted in the ugliest possible tone of voice, complete with flailing arms and twisted facial expression)

"But Dad!" the woman protested.

"I said I don't give a shit about you or your goddamned dog. Just leave, dammit!"

I fled the scene, grateful the old bastard wasn't my father. Now I'm not saying the old coot was a narcissist. Maybe he was just a Difficult Old Fucker. And no, the man does not have dementia. By all accounts, he's sharp as a tack. Some neighbors think he's funny. Maybe he's funny around non-relatives. To his daughter, who came to help him, he was a Really Big Douche Bag.

And you know what I'm betting? He was always like that to his kids, hence the lack of visits.

In witnessing that one minute exchange, I imagined a lifetime of emotional abuse endured by this woman who finally solved her problem by limiting contact. Because of her decision, she may also come in for public scoldings by scandalized neighbors or family members who know nothing of her situation and don't care to, more concerned about voicing their indignation.

Adult children with really awful aging parents who need them after abusing them have few choices, especially if there aren't financial resources to throw at the problem.

The best choice (in my mind): OUTSOURCE...limit contact...make sure they are cared for but don't do it yourself.

If that option is not available, you have my complete and utter sympathy. Really. It's awful to finally come to terms with the kind of parent you have, just in time for said parent to begin declining...further requiring your time and energy. Oh, the tragedy.

I can only imagine the state of mind the poor woman left in as she drove away from her father's house.


Mulderfan said...

I used to try to be the dutiful daughter and would spend the one hour drive home crying, shaking and sometimes pulling over to be sick. At ages 87 & 90 my narcissistic parents just kept getting worse with the verbal/emotional abuse escalating with ever visit. I am presently not in contact because they didn't like it when I asked them to stop the name calling and treat me with respect!
I personally am to the point where I don't care what others think...they haven't walked in my shoes!

Nina said...


Oh, how I've come to loathe the term dutiful daughter! While it benefits the parent(s), the risk is quite high to the daughter...not unlike a Tour of Duty in Afghanistan, with the parent acting as the IED. We also suffer our own form of kidding.

I'm sure choosing the option of no contact was not easy, especially considering their advanced age. So they didn't like it when you asked to be treated nicely? Not surprised. Whenever I asked my father not to do something (which was rare)...he immediately turned the tables on me and said it was my fault that I was too sensitive and when that failed, he got all hangdog and began moaning how he could never do anything right or he was all alone in the world.

And no...outsiders have no idea of what you've had to deal with!

Sometimes, I felt like walking around with a sign that read, "Lest you dare judge"

Mulderfan said...

Wow! How did my dad's clone in up in California? I'm too sensitive, I don't understand every family has arguments, I'm affecting their health, blah, blah, blah... What a treat to find someone who HAS walked in my shoes!

Jeff said...

Hi Nina

I've just discovered your blog. As I read it, I'm beginning to credit the possibility that my mother had a strong narcissistic side to her (up to now I've considered her behaviour to be consistent with OCPD). I recognise in this post the concern about how cutting off from a parent (which I eventually did) could turn a PDer into a PR campaign against you. I wondered if this has been something that has happened to you?

Nina said...

Hi Jeff...

Just want to make sure I mean the parent would begin a PR campaign against the adult child who detached?

If so, that really didn't happen to me as while I emotionally detached and made myself much less available to my longer at his beck and call...I did not sever contact as I am an old child and I was his power of attorney and therefore responsible for managing his care the rest of his life.

In the past, my father has told some lies about me - namely that he'd paid for my college education and depleted his retirement savings - which was shocking. My parents had refused to help w/even a $50 loan and family members thought I was a horrible, terrible person.

However, some readers have shared their experience of having their narcissistic parent turn against them...big time...after they sever contact.

Suffering through this, I believe, is especially difficult for adult children of such parents because we tend to be Major People Pleasers, we seek approval from outsiders. That said, the only thing one can do is stick to the path that is best and healthiest for YOU...and block out what other people say. Rarely do outsiders care all that least in my experience with vocal family members who wanted ME to care for my father instead of placing him in a family never bothered to call or visit my father ONCE after I'd placed him. They seemed to like the drama and not him at all!

Mulderfan said...

Hi, Jeff
At one point, 20 years ago, when my father invented a horrible story about my husband, I had the audacity to contradict him and walk out when he started using foul language in front of my little girl. Following that incident I was basically disowned until they needed me during a family crisis two and a half years later. My parents spread the lie to the rest of my family and everyone cut me out of their lives. My dad's twin snuck over to see me about six months into this drama and apologized, but said I had to keep his secret because he was afraid of my uncle was 70 at the time!
So yes, I've been the object of a "PR campaign" but, like me, none of the relatives involved are presently having anything to do with my parents.
"What goes around, comes around."

Jeff said...


Yes, that's what I mean. I think I've wrongly picked up on:

'Unfortunately, the only way to manage the narcissistic parent or grandparent is to haul out the bolt cutters and cut the chain and say, "bye-bye!"'

Cutting off seems a recurrent and major topic for those exposed to PDers, but yes, I've read some more of your background now. I will continue to catch up on your blog (as I have come to with forums), so being a return visitor, I shall say hi for now! I seem to be reading more and more on PD, and there (at least, currently) doesn't seem to be a great deal of blogs like yours out there. Your efforts to rationalise such emotionally charged experiences are really appreciated. It's taken me years to face finding out more on PDs, which I feel inevitably compelled to (and I appreciate others may not). I wish I'd known what I know now many years ago. And I wish there were more and better information out there - you're providing an important plug in a huge gap. Your term 'outsiders' gives me an ominous feeling about how private and hidden all this is.


Sounds dreadful. My goodness - the power and energy that must need to be invested in all that muckspreading. Why did your family swallow it all? Or was it about taking a side out of fear? Has there been any attempt to regroup now they're out of contact with your father? Have you recorded this episode on your blog?

Mulderfan said...

Jeff, If there's one thing I've learned about narcissists, it's that they are master manipulators and can be, as is the case with my father, bullies. My family never talked about "unpleasantness" so after I returned to my assigned role the incident was never mentioned again. Just recently, my younger brother, who in therapy and struggling to cope with our parents, apologized for his part in what happened all those years ago.
Like you I regret not having the information earlier but am thankful for the support I have now.
Yes, I have detailed some incidents in my blog, including this one.
I also write about how I am finally breaking free at age 64!
Remember the old saying, "Knowledge is power." Keep reading and researching, don't be afraid to seek help and remember you are not the one who is flawed.

Susie said...

My parents always joke that it is "the responsibility of the youngest daughter to care for them" [aging parents] when they can no longer care for themselves. I wonder if it is REALLY a joke to them? It doesn't seem like it sometimes...
If not, I plan on severing ties with them as soon as I am able to! I am NOT getting stuck with them in any capacity; even if they are homeless I don't think I would risk putting myself in danger like that.

Nina said...


If it's just you and your brother..generally speaking in's assumed it's the daughter who will do the duties...even if the son reaped all the benefits, as in the case of your family. (Although not always)

Luckily, you're ahead of the game and can see what looms ahead and do whatever you think you need to do to protect your sanity!

haz said...

hey nina and all i definatly have narcisstic emotionally abusive parents, im 27 and am temporarily living at home with them until i wait to start a new job, when i do i will permantly cut contact with my father, its killing me being near him, i have so much anger towards him its hurting me not to express it.

Anonymous said...

It's so good to know I'm not alone! My ill 84-year old father takes PLEASURE in trying to make me feel like a bad daughter every Saturday when I call him at 6 am (8 am his time). He's always been narcissistic, sexist and controlling, but now he doesn't even try to hide it. My brother has made it his life's work to reinforce the Bad Daughter/Good Son scenario to my father. My family's PR campaign is in full force to denigrate me at every opportunity. My plan is to not be a victim for these bullies to abuse, but to keep calm and cool and give them no information about my life for them to exploit (which will surely frustrate them (one for my team!). I don't want to hurt my father by being right, so I'll take the bullets as long as he's alive. After that, I plan a total disconnect.

mulderfan said...

Anonymous, I have resumed LC with my Nparents after my Nfather contacted me because my NM has had a series of illness (all minor). I have made a point of not resuming a regular phone call routine. Now I call only when I feel strong enough to deal with their BS (in other words ignore it!). They no longer expect my Sunday evening call and that has, for some reason, made them a bit more reasonable to deal with. It puts me in control and makes me feel better!

Anonymous said...

I am so happy to have found this site as I have been going out of my mind with a troublesome parent. I fit into the dutiful daughter category who mother hates. My brother is wonderful of course and she has given him large amounts of cash. Once he got his hands on the money he moved to Australia. My mother gives out the sweet little old lady routine but has been cruel to me all my life. I have now taken the decision to cut her off completely although I haven't told her this. I hope I have the courage as she is making me very ill. Any advice on how to kick the old bag out of my life would be most appreciated.

Anonymous said...

My mom and I were never close as she is emotionally unavailable to me all of my life. Added to that were the constant criticisms and put downs. Even with that, when she became ill I took her out of a horrendous situation and got her the best medical care. Now she is in much better health but still uncaring and miserable. Interestingly enough, when she talks to her friends or other relatives, she is angel.

I've done my job; making sure she is safe, and caring for her health. My job is not to try to make her into a happy person. She is selfish and miserable and I am ready to get the bolt cutters and cut the ties to a once a week call. I'm done with the lifelong neglect and abuse.

Anonymous said...

I cut my abusive Nparents off last November (It's now almost May) and I don't miss them one iota. ALl I "miss" is the shattered dream of what I HOPED they'd be which was never ever going to become a reality. I have 3 older brothers. Only 1 talks to me. The other 2 golden children (read:wimps) decided to tow the party line and ditch me.I feel a sense of peace for the first time in my life. A huge weight taken off my shoulders and I am feeling a higher self esteem and greater capacity to view exactly what I endured in a clearer light; cementing the decision in my mind and heart to REMAIN absolutely NO contact basically forever.Sure, when they die,, I'm gonna be all bummed out but not for missing THEM but for missing what I thought and hoped and wished they'd be: parents who loved and accepted me for who and what I am: a painter. Parents who constantly criticize and obligatory family visits fueled NOT by 'wanting' to see them but out of GUILT and the dreading as day approaches: I will NOT miss one bit. I miss the dream. The false hope. I may not have the parents and 2 brothers I'd dreamed of but one thing I CAN control is being a good person to ME; taking care of ME and putting me 1st for a change. It feels good. Give it time. on't give in too fast with breaking NC because it takes time and peace does ensue. And remember: people,generally, do not change. Their nastiness came about in a well-rehearse insidious onset.It's ingrained and YOU are the receiver. That's the role NP have assigned for you.Go back and you'll be resuming tat role of scapegoat. For me: NEVER again. Ever.It's over.They're dead to me.I can't even say the word Mother without feeling resentment.But I can say the word "FREEDOM" and know what that feels like. It feels good.

mfp said...

I am late to this post, but wanted to thank you for writing about this particular topic. My dad and mil are both narcissists. They suck the joy out of everything, the family members all know this, although some are in denial and would never verbally admit it. As they get older, needier AND meaner, I loathe thinking about what will happen when they get to the point where they cannot take care of themselves. I think about this often, feel badly about it, that from the outside, I look like a bad daughter, since I do not appear to have a close relationship with these master manipulators (who strangers consider, "nice" ppl). I always end up reminding myself that ppl don't know what I have been through, how hateful these family members are to their own. That they have played a large role in why they are now in such a lonely situation. Whenever I see an elderly person who is alone, I often wonder to myself, did their adult children abandon them, and if so, for what kind of reason. Ppl with NPD are very good at hiding their true colors when they want to, only those closest to them know the truth.

mulderfan said... just described my life! The "meanies" are 90 and 93 this year.

I've had two emails from retirement home personnel telling me what a joy they are! I'm sure they think I'm a monster because I haven't been to see my NPs since they moved there, well over a year ago... thankfully, I no longer give a damn about the judgement of others!

Anonymous said...

I have a 84 yr old father.
He never came to a school play, parent-teacher conference, church activities, and didn't even bother to come to my high school reunion. He didn't bother to come see his grand children when they were born. He did have time for his partying, friends, going out, hunting, fishing, doing what he wanted to do. I am now almost 60 yrs old. I work full time and have medical disabilities. Other than trouble with walking, he is very healthy and takes no medications *he uses a walker*. I'm facing heart surgery in a few days. Today my father called; husband explained I am tired and am napping. He calls back in 2 hours "you are still in bed?". Because I had to leave work, I was faint, my heart makes me tired. He skips right over that fact that surgery is in a few days to remind me that he has several home repairs that I have not yet fixed for him. I am barely awake, incoherent from fatigue, but he talked/rambled for 30 minutes. Normal for him, he seldom lets anyone else talk anyway, he just needs an audience. I take care of his home, laundry, bills, food, cleaning, errands, work a 40 hour week, have my own home. Nothing matters but what he wants, with no waiting. I tried several times to tell him I am facing surgery in a few days, he doesn't even HEAR me, he instead changes the conversation to whatever is on his mind, upcoming vacation, whatever that will require ME to take care of. There is no one else to handle his affairs. He has alienated almost every other relative; they try to avoid him. This isn't aging, he has always been this way, it has just accelearated the past few years. He is well-off financially; yet doesn't understand that I have to budget vacation time with him for my hotel rooms and expenses. I have told him outright "I can't afford the trip" yet he continues on with making plans, heedless of my financial restrictions.If he wants it to happen, then I must manage to make it happen because his wants come first. I love him, he is my father, but he is exhausting me to the point of collapse. He refuses any mention of paid help or outside help, "we don't need anyone else to handle this or that". If you do not answer the phone every time he calls, he calls back every 15 minutes with his messages becoming more and more abrupt and questioning why I am not immediately available to take his call. He belongs to a church and has good friends, so he isn't a shut-in with no one else to entertain him. Whatever is going on, if it is unpleasant or will inconvenience him,then he skips right over it to bring the conversation back to HIM. At his age, he deserves every bit of happiness and good things in the world; he has earned that right. But his lack of consideration for me just drains my soul.

Anonymous said...

It is so unfair and sad that people criticize us for not being in contact with our parents, and never stop to think that maybe we have a good reason for staying away.
But who cares what stupid people like that think? I am certainly not going to waste any more of my time and energy on my parents. They have been consistently horrible towards me, and have always taken advantage of any opportunity to make me feel bad.
When they get old and frail, they are on their own. When I was young and vulnerable, they completely abused the power they had over me. Maybe sometime they will become vulnerable themselves. If so, they will be barking up the wrong tree if they ask me for help. My sister who prefers to remain in denial can have the "fun" of taking care of them. If she chooses not to, they are SOL.

Lynn from Pittsburgh said...

Hi, nice to see there are other grown adults that are going through the same things as me.My parents are in thier late seventies and are so so mean to me..they have six kids,three they adore,one they kinda like because she lives a wonderful and wealthy life and two of the children,my brother and my self they really hate. My brother and I are good people ..why we are the chosen one makes no sense. I have always been respectful though , they have never ever been a part of my life or showed any interest in me in any way,now they are hateful and abusive,I have thrown in the towel.iI am so done with them. It hurts a lot.i have three grown children and three young grandsons that are the biggest joy and love them more than anything in this world, they are my everything. Everything I do is with and for them so I will never understand how my parents have always cared so little about me since I was born. Never ever being a patt of my life or wanting me to be happy. The biggest joke is my mother claims to be this wonderful Christian lady who help and is kind to every stranger she meets.
How do I move beyond this pain?

Anonymous said...

"How do I move beyond this pain"
I wish I had the answer to this. I don't think the pain ever leaves but as time goes on, for me personaly, it doesn't sting like it use to.

My whole foo are narcs and a family member contacted me through someone else to tell me that one of my narc parents is ill. My thought was why would they want me to know since they don't give a damn about me and have nothing good to say about me anyway.

So of course I haven't responded nor will I unless they put me in a corner to were I feel like I have to respond. I can hear the foo saying to others and each other how "cold" Iam to not contact my nparent. My nparent has had plenty of time to call me and apologize before they got ill but has chosen not to. But of course, I'm the B**** because I couldn't deal with their ill treatment of me anymore and went nc with all of them. They are all so twisted mentally.

Anonymous said...

If I got started on my narsey parents you just would not believe that I associate with them.

Anonymous said...

Okay, I will share! My father is 82 but tells everyone he meets he is 92. He gets taken advantage a lot from people who borrow or steal money from him. He almost loves it when they rob him so, he can chase them down and have them put in jail. He spends lots of money on filling buildings he owns with junk (outdated computers, comic books, old barbies, used shoes and ect.) It just all sits there for years unless he has someone move his stuff from building to building in other cities because, he may open a restaurant or store or something. He ants to be noticed by all women and usually gets hugs from them. When he has been ill I have taken him in and when home health care came he loved the young girls who stayed 30 minutes and wanted me to buy gifts for them and cook them steaks. I work for months around the clock to help him live and I get no thanks. Although, he is divorced from my mother for 32 years he still is judging her. She was a saint to stay with him. He had girlfriend after girlfriend when married to her and after her. He judges everyone's religion and speaks harshly of them and how perfect his church is. Lots of spiritual abuse going on with him. When with him he judges everyone he knows then tells you what a great christian he is. He tells me how screwed up I am if I tell him not to criticize others beliefs. He plays the t.v. as loud as it can go and will not face that he has a hearing problem. Blows his nose every 5 seconds and wads up the kleenex and stuffs in the couch or guest bedroom bed. Farts and burps openly and if you suggest that he goes to the bathroom he gets mad. Talks nonstop about bad things that have happened to him the past 50 years. That is my age so, he is unaware that I may have had any problems ever. Sees me as my mom or other sibling and want to correct me about their so called faults. Now, my mother wants me to buy her all kinds of clothes and trinkets every time that I see her. I see her often and she is 81. she begs for stuff in stores and will cry in the store if I limit her to just a few things. She wants the most expensive of clothing, bedspreads, purses, rugs...I explain my debt and she still asks for things. I suggest to pay for medicine or food and important things but, she never needs help with that. I have actually just overcome that problem with her this past year. I had to start saying no. I went through hell with her...mostly feeling guilty and her bad mouthing me but, I got through it. She now limits what she asks for. She got married and that helped my life too. Now, my dad gets sick every few months and I get him through it but, I am realizing that my health cannot take his disrespect so, I am going to let him stay in a rehab part of the hospital next time. I have 3 other siblings that will not take him in. I could go on...but, if I could say anything to my friends in need "like not be burdened with what is not normal and what you cannot do or handle." Ask God to remove the guilt because, he knows that you have tried your best and have been unappreciated."

Anonymous said...

This man was truly a Malignant Narcissist. Years ago, I worked in a nursing home and there were a few elderly residents who rarely or never received any visits from their adult children. I found this very strange - even sad. That is, until I started hearing from these children, one-by-one. "My father raped me when I was a child while my mother turned the other cheek." "My parents abused me physically, psychologically and emotionally all of my life." Etc., etc. I then got it. But ironically, at the time I was in my early 20s and didn't even realize just how much I had been abused by my own Narcissistic parents. It took me another 25 years to FINALLY come to terms with all of their abusive treatment towards me since the day I was born - and as the family scapegoat, I honestly cannot tell you how I managed to escape this very toxic cult. But I finally did. I am now in LC with my mother and NC with my siblings. I am healing each and everyday. I cannot believe that I actually survived this emotional holocaust.

Anonymous said...

I am grateful that I have stumbled upon this blog. I also have a narcissistic 87 year old father. I suffer from years of emotional abuse and have PTSD. I am the only known living victim of one of the world most prolific serial killers and my real emotional pain was caused by my father. For year I bought into the crap he fed me about my mother. He told me how he regretted marring her and that I would have been a better child if he had married his other girlfriend. My father used to take me to meet his girlfriend and even asked them to take me shopping when I was a teen. I asked him one time why he did not divorce my mom if he was so unhappy. He replied, "I don't want to have to split my property, this is a 50/50 State you know". My mom was so very depressed and it was not till her death about 8 years ago that I fully understood she was his victim and not the problem. They never split and never divorced. They fought daily and I would cry myself to sleep every night. I am one of those adult children that seeks approval and is a people pleaser and have no idea how to "say no" to people. Now my dad is an old man that is nice to all the other people in his neighborhood and treats me like an old sock. My husband goes down to help him and I go visit him about once a month. I know the people that live near him (he lives on a farm, non-working dairy farm)all think he is the nicest man alive and must think I am a horrible daughter. I just had to stop trying because it just hurts so much to know my own father thinks more of his friends and neighbors than he does of his own daughter. I do have a brother and my father has done a good job of making sure our relationship is strained. He likes to pit my brother and I against each other. He lives on the family farm and all my life I wanted to live there because I have such good memories of spending the summers on the farm with my grandparents. My husband and I were helping my dad and doing a lot for him. My husband even stayed there and remodeled one of the small homes on the farm for him. We were making plans to use the back 40 acres for planting and my father decided to let the neighbor raise horses on 25 acres of it. When I told him how hurt I was that he would let a 25 year old neighbor fence of the place rent free and not bother to say anything to his own children about it his response pierced my heart " I can do what ever the #$%@##** I want and don't have to tell you a @#$%## thing" My father has what seems to be some sort of early dementia because he forgets the simplest of things but he is pretty much independent and a dependency hearing would only cause problems. We were going to just sell our two houses in the city and move into the house my husband remodeled to keep an eye on things and help him. Now we have decided not to do that. I just want to live my own life stress free and without crying every day. I just had to stop caring to save my own sanity and my own family. For so many years I wanted my father to recognize me. I ignored my own children while in search of my fathers love. My children are adults now and I am in therapy and trying to rebuild the relationship I have with my own children. I have to be cautious that I do not repeat history and have had to rethink my retirement dream but I am starting to feel like I have value. Just to make it clear, my father wanted us to move down there we were not trying to take advantage of him. He hates to live there alone.

Anonymous said...

Well it happens here in the UK too! My eighty year old mother hangs up the phone and verbally abuses me if I don't drop everything and do what she wants. She has no interest in me or my work and family. She is a manipulative, hateful woman. I am going to win this battle though. There are carers coming in twice a day, she is taken shopping once a week, my sister drives 240 miles round trip to take her out to lunch every 4th week and I visit each week to get her pension and pay her bills. I have unplugged my home phone and am doing no more. That's it. Once a week and I have told her. The end.

hurt in my heart said...

Thank you for this blog. It helps to know I'm not alone.

Anonymous said...

I can't tell you how glad I am to find this blog. I've been dealing with my bully father for years and I'm tired of it. My mother lives in denial and refuses to have a rational, thoughtful discussion. She thinks that if she continues to bury her head in the sand then that changes reality. I would love to talk to someone about this. I'm in my early forties and I'm so frustrated. I dread my parents!

bee65 said...

I totally empathise with everyone here. I'm 49 and have only just woken up to the fact that my father is a narcissist he's a bully to my mother and so chauvanistic. Funny while I was growing up I thought that it was normal for women to be so submissive towards men and never thought for once my father was a bully to my mother. Hence, for me a series of disastrous relationships with men with me finally getting married at 38 to a wonderful man. My father has worsened in his behaviour since I got married. He has always been critical, calling me too sensitive, bossy and even more so lately manipulative. My mother has lost her hearing which is a genetic condition I have inherited unfortunately and also has peripheral neuropathy which is limiting her mobility. Hence said father is using this as a tool against me as well as helping keep mum a prisoner in the house. I live 170 miles away. They came to visit last year - big mistake - resulting in father verbally attacking my husband and never wanting to see him (possibly me?) again. He's playing games from a distance now and mum has either given up as they decided to punish me by not sending any Christmas or birthday cards this year. I've tried to be a good daughter, never asked them for anything and worked hard; whereas my sister has never worked, always relied on welfare, borrowed money and is selfish, but yet the golden girl. Sister and I haven't seen/spoken in over 25 years and father says it's all my fault because I didn't invite her to my wedding (she's worse at causing trouble than my father), aside from the fact that father says he refused to invite me to her (sister's wedding)?!? I've tried to cut the ties but it's hurting very much and I'm feeling seriously messed up by all of this. It's good to know that others are experiencing same. I'm now toying with putting all feelings down on paper in a letter to father and feel that if nothing else I've told him how I feel. Mother has just buried head in the sand and seems to have taken his side on the recent fall out with my husband which was over nothing at all significant in the grand scheme of things....!!!

mulderfan said...

Bee, I wrote a carefully worded letter to my parents thinking I might either get them to acknowledge the hurt or all hell would break loose. It accomplished neither as they simply pretended they never saw it but it sure made me feel good to put it out there.
BTW I know they received it because they told my golden child brother, who plays the exact same role as your sister (right down to the lack of employment!) that I had written a letter that was so horrible they didn't want him to see it!
From experience, I can promise you, your life will truly begin when you turn your back on the family dysfunction and walk away.

bee65 said...

Mulderfan, thanks, so glad to have found this blog. The guilt feels tremendous right now, especially due to mother (the non-Narcissist) who has put up with my father for over 50 years. I've accepted it over the years, but only recently after the fall-out between my father and my husband have I begun to assemble the jigsaw pieces. Before it was always just mother and myself that suffered. Every visit I made he managed to pick an argument with me/upset me, even on return home my husband thought I was too sensitive until he witnessed the behaviour first-hand last year! At my last visit two months ago (six months after the last fall out) he didn't pick a fight with me but ignored me, didn't ask me anything about me or my life (we've recently bought a buisness and a new home). He barely looked away from the TV and paperwork he was sorting out and was consumed, full of nastiness, with what the neighbours were or were not doing (fallen out with them all and they don't speak to each other so what does that tell me ..!) They have no other family closeby. I was so angry after my last vist (which I'd dreaded making as it was the first since the fall out with hubbie) - it was horrible, I'd spent 4 hours driving and they didn't even meet me at the door, no offer of drink or food (had to go get my own). Can't believe my parents could be so cold, uncaring and downright bad mannered, but that's narcicissts eh? I will be sending a letter just to know that I've told how I feel .....

mulderfan said...

You've described my father, exactly. He will not turn off his blaring TV or put down his newspaper. Has no interest in the lives of me or my daughter and makes nasty comments about all of the people who think he's wonderful b/c they've only seen his "public face".
As for my mother, I always thought she was another one of his victims but she never spoke a word against him or protected her children from his attacks. In adulthood I began to see her as his enabler. Finally, after finding these blogs, I began to realize her guilt trips and quietly manipulative behaviour made her an equal partner in the dysfunctional dynamic that is my family of origin.
I too, had a husband who at 1st thought I was overreacting until he became a full-fledged member of the family and my father turned his guns on him and treated him horribly with my mother's quiet approval. My life unraveled when my husband died and, sensing a golden opportunity my parents moved in to reclaim their favourite doormat.
I'm so grateful for having these blogs open my eyes and giving me the understanding and strength to make what can only be described as an escape!

bee65 said...

You've pretty much summed up how my mother behaves! I was frustrated when I brought up with her the issue of the fall out with my husband and she said happened as father had said it had and that was that, he didn't want to see him (husband) again. I tried to challenge her on the matter but it was lost on her and when I look back she has never stood up to him when he has verbally attacked me and she was there when he 'turned his guns' (good expression there) on my husband and she was as quiet as a mouse. I put it down to hear deafness, but I feel there's more to it than that: clearly she's scared of him and thus enabling his behaviour. Funny how when my sister visits she behaves and is treated like royalty by my father. Before the fall out when I visited with my husband, my father used to ignore me and talk at my husband all the time (used to annoy me like hell as I felt put down and insignificant); however, I thought that's better than them falling out so I tolerated it ... I could write a book about his nasty comments and behaviour over the past few years, especially since I got married. Can parents be in some way jealous of their children? I feel my parents would have been better off not having kids. Sister seems to have come out okay in their eyes, despite fact she's never worked and lived off the state and been in trouble with the police too. I wrote a note to my mother after my recent birthday which wasn't long after my last disastrous visit asking what I had done for the first time in 49 years for her not to have sent me a birthday card. I've had no reply and don't think I will get one: stupidly spoilt my day and have dwelled on this a lot. How do you manage to escape and let go ....? I'm wondering about going to see a counsellor.

mulderfan said...

Yes, counseling can help if you find someone who is familiar with NPD but a lot of what I learned was right on blogs like these. I have met a number of very supportive friends, who have been there done that, through these blogs. I didn't really see the light until I was 62. Please don't wait that long!

BTW my brother is an alcoholic/addict who has never truly held a "real" job in his life and has spent time on the welfare roll yet, in our last conversation two years ago, my father called ME a loser who had never accomplished anything. Among other things, I was a teacher for 33 years!!!!

If you are comfortable revealing your identity, we can continue this conversation via the email found by clicking on my avatar.

Anonymous said...

I have a father who is likable and a master at knowing how to talk to people as well as get them on his side. To the outside world, he comes across as a very nice guy but at home he can be loving as well as very mean and nasty. Recently he instigated a quarrel with a family member and then proceeded to badmouth her to not only me and the rest of the family but also other members from our church and other acquaintances of the family. If the public slander weren't bad enough, he even tried getting everyone to gang up on and slander her too. However, I and a few other family members took a stand against him and called him out on his horrible behavior but that led to him being even nastier and more abusive with me and others (including the family member whom he ostracized in the beginning). He eventually went too far and got physically abusive with me which resulted in me beating the crap out of him. I moved out of the house because I'd had enough of his hateful and disrespectful ways and I stayed away for about a month or two before I bothered to come over or call since he NEVER owns up to his mistakes and always finds a way to twist things around so the other person (s) are at fault. However, I find out soon after that he's sick with dementia and I attempt to come over more often to spend time with him and help him out as well as ease the burden on my mom. Everything goes just fine for a while but then he gets into his moods and starts behaving in such a tyrannical and abusive manner that I have no choice but to leave to save my sanity and then I have my family members (including those whom were also his targets in the previous quarrel) get on my case and try to guilt trip me about not coming around. Worse yet, they deny that he and they have done anything wrong towards me when it was happening right in front of them. They've pretty much written me off and turned their backs on me, and although it hurts to no end it's a blessing in disguise because I realize that I deserve much better than the way they treat me.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so very much for these comments and the blog. I too have a narcisstic father who used me as his doormat during my teenage years when he was having an affair. My mum and dad's marriage finished and he went off with the other woman.
When I was getting married - he phone me to explain that he'd written me out of his will.

I no longer have any contact with him. Unfortunately he is now trying to manipulate my daughter by promising her money (She's a student). She replied to him saying thank you and just that she couldn't guarantee regular emails since she's very busy. Very reasonable to me. He exploded by email and 'explained' that relationships take two people to work at it (dear god - she's his grandaughter not his partner....or friend....). She is very strong if upset.

I suspect that I too have married a man with some of these tendancies - only he always supports me, tries not to be critical - his worse fault is a turning of the conversation to focus on him (low self esteem).

I have a brother who is the 'golden boy' - he sexually abused me when I was younger and no-one apart from my husband knows. He too constantly criticises me to the rest of the family and my mum for not being in touch with him or my father.

My father had a heart operation - didn't tell me and then badmouthed me to everyone since I didn't visit him in hospital!

Although this sounds strange, pleased that I'm not alone - thank you all for sharing. I'm not in touch with either my brother or my father unless it's life threatening.

And am starting to feel better and stronger. I'm 52 so it's taken a long old time.....

PatinAtlanta said...

I'm echoing all the same sentiments ... thank goodness, there are other grown children out there going through the EXACT same thing I am going thro' w/my Dad. I am 65 & he is 85, so those of you on here who are only 30s-40s, please heed our words, save yourselves & keep your sanity!!
Up until around 2000, I always thought how lucky I was, what great parents I had & what a close to idealic childhood I had. Middle class, both parents govt workers, had some money, not a lot, but my younger brother & I had all the essentials growing up. I always wanted a marriage like my parents, as I can only recall 2 'bumps' they had to hurdle when I was still home. I am also a rare US statistic ... both parents still alive, not divorced. Then came 2004-2011, which I will explain in a moment, then 2011-Present, both of which turned my life completely upside-down & inside-out. Never in a million years would I have ever guessed I would be were I am today. (cont)

PatinAtlanta said...

My Mom & I have been extremely close ALL of my life. She was a wonderful Mom & stood her ground with my Dad, thank goodness. She was very protective of my younger brother (5 yrs younger) & me. I can honestly say there were only 2 times to date that my Mom ever even got mad at me. Age 16, she slapped me across my face for this one & only time, thinking I had said 'shit' when I had said 'shoot'. Thank goodness a girlfriend of mine was witness & she told my Mom I only said 'shoot'. My Mom hugged my neck & apologized profusely. The 2nd time was in 2002 she started calling me (I live an hour from them), crying & telling me Dad was being VERY mean to her (he is a year younger than Mom). I asked like HOW? She couldn't talk/walk/dress/do anything right in his eyes!! So verbally abusive to her, which he had never done before. Both of my parents came from silent, don't air the laundry, clamped mouthed families, so for my Mom to let me know there was trouble, I needed to be worried. She did this each day for about 2 weeks (I usually tried to go down every week to see them, but my life must have been even busier than normal at that time). Long story short, I called their Dr who had also been my Dr for a year & told him what was happening. He said I needed to get both of my parents in to see him impossible task I told him, so he said at least my Mom. Had to make up a story that she needed to help me shop for a business suit for an interview, as we had not been shopping like we used to. She said OK, but when I arrived that Sat. am, she was in her housecoat mopping the kitchen floor, told me she was going shopping ... so I had to take her outside & tell her the whole truth. She was not only MAD at me, she was LIVID. My Mom has never been mad like that to me, but she finally told Dad we were going shopping, said she would drive to the Dr, didn't talk to me all the way & sat on the opposite corner of the large waiting room, not looking at me at all, sitting there madder than hops! They called her name, but I didn't get up til the nurse said across the waiting room, the Dr wanted to see me also. Mom protested in front of all there, but the nurse was persistent.
Dr came in the exam room (I sat way over in a corner), asked Mom what was going on, she said nothing she couldn't handle & her nosey daughter sh/mind her own biz, she wld never tell me another thing!
Took him a while, but she finally let the tears flow & told him everything. He diagnosed my Dad with 'depression' & gave BOTH of them antidepressants to take. Mom had to lie to Dad & told him later, Dr gave him more heart meds, or Dad wld have known everything, gotten mad at her & never taken the antidepressants.
She had to lessen his dosage as he would drop off to sleep in the middle of a conversation! She finally got both of them regulated & things went perfectly back to normal!!
Swoosh, I was off the hook & my Mom now grateful I had been 'nosey' & persistent!!

PatinAtlanta said...

Side Note Here: In Dad's strict discipline of me (not my brother who was quiet, shy, introverted, opposite of me), I got my share of 'switchings' & belt spankings. I was just an active, loud, fun-loving kid & most times had NO clue why I was getting the belt. Was not allowed to cry until I went to my room & shut the door, then had to stifle my cries & screams in my pillow, or I got it all over again. It was just the way it was when I was growing up, not called abuse then & I never felt abused, just strictly disciplined by Dad.
When I started dating at age 16, I had a midnight curfew. We had a small window high on our front door with ventian blinds. Blinds w/b open, porch light on & Dad's head visible in the small window! None of my many friends had curfews, so I often spent the night with them to be able to stay out later! Then I married at 20, now ex went to Viet Nam then moved to Omaha, NE for the next 23 yrs (except 2 yrs also back in 2nd chance out of a bad marriage & stayed in my home state, but blew it). Kids in college, I moved back to GA in 1996. I had to stay with my parents, then my brother, then my aunt & uncle in ATL until my house sold in Omaha. From almost Day 1 back, my Dad started 'disciplining me' as if I were still 16 or 21, but I was now 47 yrs old!! Had Mom to talk to him to knock it OFF! As the yrs progressed, he still tried to 'control' me, my fiance & our lives, even after we married. Glad we found a house an hour away!! But this is when Dad resorted to criticism of me, knit picking me, anything negative. Now I have to admit I was the ideal daughter, married, 5 yrs before I had children, went back & finished a 2nd college degree & had a very successful 42 yr Corporate career ... did everything right & by my Dad's book, but this would not make a difference at all.

p said...

As adults, I was able to finally be 'friends' with my younger brother since we had such an age difference. We got along splendidly. Mom & I remained close, even when I was 1200 miles away. Every once in a while, I felt as if Dad was a bit jealous of Mom & I being so close. My brother was a Mama's Boy also!
Dad loves children, I have to admit. LOVED having my 2 children in GA those 2 yrs, but hard on them being their only 2 grandchildren 1200 miles away most of their lives. My brother finally remarried & had a daughter, his wife had a son she had had as a single when she was 15, who was a wonderful boy when young, but became a hoodlum in his teens & probably still in & out of jail. The minute my Dad laid eyes on his new daughter, he became LITERALLY possessive of her, the sun rose & set in her, she was the instant 'Golden Child'. Odd I have always called her this for 27 yrs (her age now ... 10 yrs younger than my youngest) & I notice a lot of you use the same term for some of your siblings!!! We ALL DO have a LOT in common! Well, they raised this child as their own while her parents had to work even weekends, they paid for everything for her: clothes, nursery school tuition, even her medical bills ...& Mom, a now retired teacher of 38 yrs had to tutor EVERY day of EVERY school yr, pd for her contact lens, her dental as well, her parochial high school tuition, all her books, THEN ALL of her college!!! Far, far more than they EVER spent on either of my kids, who were their first ones!! My Dad's possessiveness was outrageous & I talked to Mom about it, who said oh, let him have his fun, he wasn't able to have it with your kids so far away!! Whenever Dad said mean little things (at first) to me or started criticizing me for every little thing, Mom would not say anything to him right then, but she would call me later on & apologize for HIS behavior! Each time I told her thanks, but HE needed to apologize to me, not her. One day I told her I would get pushed enough, was strong enough, I would throw words back at him, for I demanded, now in my 50s, to be respected also, & my respect for him was waning!!

PatinAtlanta said...

Things went fairly smoothly for several yrs except Dad's constantly knit picking me, which I mainly just ignored him, letting the wind right out of his sails! BUT didn't stop him at all.
2003 Mom was diagnosed with Meneire's Disease (severe vertigo) so she had to stop driving & started becoming dependent on Dad (who got injured & had an early medical retirement yrs before Mom retired) ... the first thing to happen that Dad would build on to what he is today...the family monarch.

PatinAtlanta said...

2006 I started noticing signs of Dementia in Mom, tho' Dad & she did crossword puzzles each am with coffee, watched Jeopardy ea & drank red wine each night for their hearts. They went to their Sr Citizen gym, fed the geese in several parks & walked some. I tried to talk to Dad about it, but he said we are just getting OLD.

But by 2008 Dad knew, for Mom was collecting & separating the mail in stacks (good w/junk mail), putting a clothespin on them, then distributing them any- & everywhere throughout their house, her Dementia worsening rapidly. Dad found things stuck in everywhere & had to admit this was NOT Mom at all!! It even took him 2 wks to find their last income tax return he needed & 3 weeks later found them in her sweater storage box under their bed!

However, whether Dad saw the advantages of Mom not being herself anymore, or not, he continued telling me off on insignificant things, or because he changed his mind, but I blamed it on his admitting to only himself & was worried about Mom, plus his own mortality creeping up on him...I was making excuses for his behavior just like Mom always did!

PatinAtlanta said...

Sept 2009 ALL of our lives changed. My robust, very healthy looking (but never went to Drs or dentist!), easy going, but greatly stressed to the max (the past 5 yrs especially at his long time job AND in his marriage) brother died within 10 minutes of a massive heart attack ... no warning .. on the hard, cold tile floor of a Waffle House ... right in front of both of my parents & his wife!!! Kaboom, the world started spinning faster for all of us & has not stopped yet!!

Being a Mama's Boy, I thought I'd have to take care of Mom more than Dad ... not that way at all. Mom's Dementia actually helped to 'cushion' her grief, for she didn't cry at all, just said 1000x a day 'no parent should have to bury their children' brother was only age 56. He was such a good person & we ALL miss him terribly.

Dad was the one who fell completely & totally apart ... & has never, to this day, recovered from his grief. As people came over to their house after the funeral & days later, Dad would talk about what a great son he was (& he was, but not as glorified as Dad was building him up to have been...for tho' he never left our hometown, lived only 10 minutes from my parents, there would be weeks he would not talk to or see them (except to briefly pick up his dgtr from their house where she stayed 6 of the 7 days each week until she reached 16 & my bro bought the Golden Child a 4 Runner, yes, you read correctly!!). When Dad needed help with something, he would come to help, but really I saw more of them (traveling an hour)than he did, but he had many reasons of why he was so pre-occupied, which I will explain later).

Well, Dad talked about my brother & made it sound like he had been their only child ... with me sitting right in the same room. I thought I was the only one to catch this (& said nothing), but others diverted their eyes & Mom would always pat me on my knee next to her & say out loud 'and we have a wonderful daughter also', making others more comfortable & they would agree with her...but never Dad. I knew then Dad was regretful it had not been ME who had died instead of my brother. For the next 2 yrs they would visit his grave site every single day & feed the geese in the cemetery ... their days became so very routine, I knew where they were at all times w/o even calling to check, even when they napped every afternoon.

So to me my brother's very unexpected death marked what I see now as 'the beginning of The End'. More on this later.

Soooo glad to find all of you, the first & only ppl who can TOTALLY understand my story, & to be able to not only bond with you, unfortunately, about our NParent(s) & all of us finding the support we have so needed fro years!!! Right down to our using the same terms & words like Golden Child. Scary, but exhilarating all at the same time!!

mulderfan said...

Atlanta, I am relating far too much to your comments. My parents are 92 & 95 and although they've always been narcissists (mum quietly manipulative, dad a raging maniac) things have become a 1000 times worse as they've aged. I even had a n older brother die an untimely death which just made things worse for me. I have no shame or guilt about admitting that I'm no longer in contact with my toxic parents and younger bother.
BTW I'm 68 and it's been the best 30months of my life.

PatinAtlanta said...

Mulderfan: Thanks for your response, was hoping someone was still out here to correspond with!!

Only my Dad has been a Nperson all of his life ... now adding in the Alzheimer's (he had ALL top 10 signs of this latter), it makes for an interesting combo. Poor Mom has always been very strong, could stand up to my Dad, only one that could reason with him at all, the 'balance' of the family, the 'referee', 'confidant' & the one my brother & I always went to, not Dad. But now with her severe Dementia, not knowing anyone or anything happening around her, Dad is taking full advantage of the situation with his narcissism, even to the point of assigning an old uncle (Mom's baby bro at age 75) & that no good for nothing, spoiled brat niece of mine (age 27, extremely sheltered, not the sharpest knife in the drawer, KNOWS how to manipulate my Dad BACK) as HIS co-POAs last year ... behind my back!! Changed the will Mom & he made about 2006 ... to HIS liking, making my share equivalent to the 3 grandkids ... to add insult to injury, or so he thinks, to me!! Wont' happen. I was furious & hurt, rolled up into one! But they have had to deal with a LOT of things with him, so I have been 'free'. Don't care if I ever see my Dad again, for I have promised myself I will never allow him to verbally abuse me again, ever ... sick or not. BUT I haven't seen my Mom in 2.5 yrs either (she's a yr older at age 86) & I really want to see her. Can't unless I see him also tho'.
But she wouldn't know me anyway, so just as well. Uncle has severe Dementia now, so only niece in charge ... & whining & complaining! So sad, too bad.

PatinAtlanta said...

2 maternal & 1 paternal aunts, maternal uncle & their kids all think I am the one dramatic & off my rocker, & terrible to walk away from my parents like this. BUT NONE of them knew of how Dad has been all his life, as they are only with him 1-3x a year, so even with my long absence, I have been directly with him MORE than them. I lived w/him my 1st 21 yrs, lived in NE for 23 yrs & returned in 1996 back to GA where I still & will always live now ... seeing Mom & him 1-2x week (I live an hour away, thank goodness!) ... only for him to take up where he left off trying to control my life then, at age 49, as if I was still 21, telling/often demanding me what to do/not do, critical as hell of me, and now just down right ugly to me.
He's never been physical w/me except all the belt whippings I had as a child, but he gets so furious now ... bulged eyes, red face, gritted teeth & balled fists ... I have dubbed him 'the Red Hulk'!! But the 2nd & last time my husband witnessed Dad in action like this with me, told me I should NEVER see him by myself again (Mom can't help, but knows something is not right & just screams bloody murder, poor thing!) ... and I won't.
Aunts, uncles & niece were pulled right into his web, let them rot there! Well, uncle sick, his wife out of it all she told me 2 wks ago, so now Dad only has his sister (as crazy as him with the same 2 disease) & his little angel Golden Child granddaughter.
I was told he won't let his sister be POA now, so niece has it all & was told she probably needs my help ... well, she AIN'T a-getting it!! She owes them a lot & about time she paid up by taking care of them!!
He weaved his own web, so he will be left with only these two to help one else, but he created the whole scenario.
Parents, their siblings & niece had a 'reunion' 2 wks ago. He remarked I didn't send either Mom or he anything for their special occasions ... bec. I did last yr, only for him to call MY dgtr in Kansas & cussed her out on phone for giving anyone their Asst Living address, where I had sent cards, flowers for Mom & gifts for both ... so no more now this yr or ever. Mom won't know, so this is all I care about.
There is a local Alzheimer's group I have not attended, but think I will. Only meets once a month, but will tell all there about this blog website. The more we get here, the better, for it sure lifted my spirits & I will never feel alone again. Odd how strangers can be there at your back, when your own family & friends ostracize you like this, isn't it? Strange world.
Will continue with my story later, have tons of chores to do right now ... will be back later on tonight. Let's talk more, OK?
Pat in Atlanta

PatinAtlanta said...

Wow, have any of you taken a Narcisstic quiz before? I was surprised at some of my results!
Go to .

mulderfan said...

I was directed to the quiz WRT my younger brother, then took did it for my dad and for some reason did it for my mum. OMG That's when I realized the old girl was not only an enabler but a narc in her own right.

PatinAtlanta said...

Mulderfan: I scored 20 myself, so considered a narc also, was shocked, but NOT me at all!!
I am anything, but that!!
-I'm not in love with myself at all, but do have a lot of self-confidence, so BIG difference!
-I'm a ppl person & ppl recognize this & trust me right away .. been told many times I 'have an honest face'
-ppl come to me like magnets, I don't try to get their attention
-DON'T try to be ctr of attention, but often end up there by others ... not uncomfortable whether ctr or not
-I'm easy to talk to & trust,
-I LOVE to help ppl & animals, not for my own gratifications/ accolades, but to contribute to making the world a better place,
-ppl have seen & liked my personal skills of confidence & one to get things done, so often elected/selected by others to lead endeavors, don't need to do, but will volunteer if no one else does ...been TOLD all my life BY OTHERS I'm a 'born leader'
-Not an enabler at all either, but I can stand my ground to prove a point/been told I sh/have been a defense attorney!
-family & friends know I'll always be there at their backs for them anytime/anywhere ... but as of last year, I've found out sometimes this is NOT reciprocal! Then no longer trust them, but give more chances, if fail, then they are OUT of my life,
-feel & told I'm an upbeat, positive person even when I'm facing adversary or s/b a basket case
-give everyone the benefit of the doubt & more than 2nd chances ... to a pt & don't EVER LIE to me, then I lose trust in them & that is that (others have clld it my 'swinging door' method
-don't strive to be perfect, but to be a GOOD person whom others can b trusted to the hilt, BUT I don't seek their praises
-says 'I rely on others', but not unless I can't do whatever myself 1st (about only person I've 'leaned on' all my life is my Mom, whom I trust 100%, has never let me down & both of us knew she was the ONLY buffer between Dad & me)
-my 2 biggest 'faults': 1)I DO have an Irish/Scottish temper, but it takes a LOT to flare it, & 2) I am almost always LATE for whatever, usually bec. I am not an idle person & try to get done as much/as quickly & completed as I can ... often causing the tardiness!!
How about you?

mulderfan said...

I APPEARED confident and assertive on the job and with friends. Inside I had no self-esteem thanks to a lifetime spent trying to please the unpleasable and be loved by people who were incapable of love. My family of origin always (and still does) maintain a facade of the perfect loving family. In public, my parents are kind, generous and respectful to near strangers like bank tellers and cab drivers.
I was terrified of becoming angry and suppressed it lest I turn into a raving lunatic like my father. Today, I sue it as a sign that something is "off". I take time to find the cause then respond rather than react.
Trust issues with people may always be with me. I used to give people 2nd, 3rd, 4th...chances. Now, crap on me once and you're outta my life.
For me, it has been a hard journey to overcome a lifetime of conditioning to be everyone's doormat. Finally, I got up off the fucking floor! As they say in AA "progress not perfection".

Anonymous said...

My mother and dad ageed he would take me for a period of time after their marrisge broke up.My mom had my brother who was 5..and i was two at the time...we have different dads...By the time i was almost 9years dad reunited with his mother after 17 years.......He and my mom...kept somewhat intouch between my age of 2 and 8years old..By the time i had started 6years mom had had 2more kids..and i learned after meeting her...she had been in abusive dad included..My grandmother found out about me when i was 8yrs oldShe came to Illinois one year later after her reunion with my dad who had been missing from her life for 17 years...(he had cut off all contacts with his mom..and all family in the south)yMY GRANDMa flew up to illinois in 1970..and i met her for the first time...i had no idea whay she meant when she said she is my grandma..and i was coming to live with her...the following year...i rode a bus and my grandmother and i became like two peas in a pod...i miss and love her dearly...old..In 2004..i much grief and no answers from my dad whay happened to my mom...from..age of 11yrs to about 39..he was cwry tight lipped...and would only say he and my mom losy toucj...and he took me xause he wanted was always how he said that..Well in 2004..after by a miracle...i met my biological mom..for the first time since age 2yrs old...which i was almost 42 yrs old..Ok...i have been lied to by her..over and over again...i have been attacked for asking her to ve honest...i was nonjudgemenral and acceptong og he...often trying to make her feel ok..loved and accepted...letting herbkbow for several years i had no criticisms..she wad young...he was yoi grandma dif an awesome job biomom..has been very demanding, even jealous of my life.She has lied to me drom day one that my dad never brought me back to her..i found out he did..She lied about a class kindergartrn picture she has and showed me in 2004..our first meeting...when i asked her if she did no no where i was...always her claim..because my dad allegedly perbger lie...KIDNAPPED ME FROM HERAND SHE NEVER LNEW WHERE I WAS..s..i ask how then did she get the picture..she said she didnt know...go ask my daddy and his woman..which is my dads wife...who took care of me when i was 5yrs old...One week ago..i find out she knew all alone he took me to live with my grandmother in the south....but guess what i did not gond this out from my biomom...but from a sibling..who is 6 yrs younger...ti have 3half sisters. we have same mom...they were all lied to until they could ask informed questipns like....did you ever call the cops...when thi happened she began to change the story tonthe truth...butdhe had never in the 10years i have been in hwr life...admitted she kbew where i was....she always claimed she she wants me to reach out to her.. i have cut offf cpbtcat within the last 2weeks...while i journal all her lies and work on my healing.

Fairness said...
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Fairness said...

Wow, I am so glad I found this, and your absolutely right, I haven't read the other parts yet but story of my life right now . My dear sweet dad passed and my mom is just like this old man swearing at his daughter. I'm lucky my mom is 93 and still healthy enough and all, but so mean to me and picks fights with me to relieve her stress. I drive the 35 minutes home crying almost every time, we don't even have enough energy for a thankyou or a goodbye. She makes it out that I'm the bully, she's all sweet and smiles outside of her house and to her friends but not to me. Nothing we do is good enough (my sister and I) or we don't do enough for her. But we have families and lives too, she's never driven and thinks we have all day to drive her around to malls and bingo. She's never grateful when we do things she complains about it . Not the right food if,we get food, not the right anything! Too late or we don't stay long. But it's the same stories and complaints when we do go. She wants us to drive all the way over to change a light bulb. I too have dogs that are left in the house and when I say I need to get home to them then she says we care more about th dogs than her. She's never cared much for any animal, she didn't even have the nurturing patience for my dad when he was ill, but she was such a control freak she wouldn't let the home care nurses help him!
I always leave crying all the whole drive home, and never ever a kind thankyou or goodbye anymore. I feel like she resents me sometimes. She wouldn't even let me hold his hand in the hospital or sit on his bed, I was " hurting" him. I miss my dad, and I'm 57!

Anonymous said...

Wow, you ended with outsourcing & minimizing, very generous. I'm not doing s*** for my Narc parents. My whole life I got fed all these BS blue collar sayings. So when they complain they can't do things I'll be like "when there's a will there's a way" ... "when the goin gets tough the tough get goin" ... My relationship with my child is radically different than mine is with them. I also hit record audio on my cell phone during odd interactions. Having made CD's of original music for 20+ years I know how weird it is to hear your own voice, especially lots of it. Its helped me for the better. I'll have their clips sliced & labeled ready to share, it's fun. Anyone can record audio anytime if your cell phone is not from the 90's.

Anonymous said...

My 87 year old mother is nice to everyone she meets: grocery clerks, housekeepers, neighbors and former coworkers. She is nasty as hell to me. When I was growing up she never wanted to be a mother. She sent my sister(14 months old)and me(newborn)to our grandparent's house for almost a year while pregnant with my brother. After he was born, she had a live-in teenager take care of us. My mom was a stay at home mom who had a housekeeper and did nothing but talk on the phone all day. She once left the 3 of us alone to run an errand when we were 2,3 &4. While she was gone my sister was trying to cut an orange and slit her wrist accidentally.The 3 of us ran all over the house dripping blood everywhere we went. This day and age my mother we would be in prison for child endangerment. When I was a teenager my mother slapped me, pulled my hair several times before I went to school. She rubbed cigarette butts all over my bed and made me sleep in it. She knows everything and is not happy unless she is the center of attention.She tells people she has a college degree, but she dropped out after 2 years. Now she is 87 years old and lives alone. My husband and I tried to keep her busy so we took her on a vacation to the Oregon coast. We rented a condo with a full kitchen so we could dine while enjoying the ocean view. Less that 18 hours after we arrived she threw a fit and jumped on me, pulled my hair out, punched me,kicked me until we took her out to lunch. It was the vacation from hell and she talked nonstop all the way to the airport, a 3 hour drive. Her neighbors and friend don't know how she treats me and think she is a sweet old lady who needs attention. I cannot bring myself to visit her even though she lives around the corner. I know I should pay more attention to her, but I just cannot do it. Even talking to her on the phone upsets me and we get into an argument within a few minutes. My sister died and my brother lives 3000 miles away so he doesn't see or talk to her either. I don't know how to deal with this guilt of ignoring her, but she needs to move to a facility that has organized activities so she keeps busy and doesn't depend on me for her social life. Any suggestions?

Anonymous said...

My mom has been an alcoholic her whole life. When my sisters and I were children, she neglected us terribly, never getting up to see if we ate breakfast or combed our hair before school. She would cook supper, although you could tell she cooked with hate, lol. There was never a word of praise from her for anything, ever, not even report cards with straight A's in them. We were beaten with a belt for petty and minor offenses. I left home at 18 to get away from her. Shortly after that my dad divorced her, because he couldn't stand her drinking and her manipulative ways.

Fast forward 30 years, and she is alone living near me. Three hospitalizations from falls in a year, two broken bones including a hip so she uses a walker now. I shop for her and bring what she needs to her. I also watch her drink and mix drugs, have falls that should require medical attention and her lying to me and to the doctors about almost everything. 10 days ago I got a weird text from her late at night, went over to find her at the sink trying to remove a ring from a broken finger and her caked in blood from a head wound. She was mad I called an ambulance for her! So, after telling the doctor how I found her, I left the hospital. She spent five days there, and told me and my sisters everyday that the doctor didn't come. We know it was a lie. She said she wasn't getting home care arranged but her nurse told me she was. As kids, we were never to speak of what happened in our home, the drinking, the neglect, the beatings. We all need counseling, still. And here is mom lying and trying to keep things a secret when all we want is for her to be well taken care of. A home would be a good choice, as she needs her meds supervised, someone to make her meals and an eye kept on her to make sure she doesn't fall anymore, but no one listens to us and then they go ask mom to verify what we say. It's maddening. She is going to I feel like I want to walk away, that I have given so much more to her as an adult than she ever did as a mom when I was little. I want out. I want to be free from her mean and petty ways. I want to not have to consider her everyday. I know it sounds awful, but I just can't bear it anymore. I have palpitations and chest pains because of her. But how to tell her and her understand? I don't know....I want to walk away but then who will look out for her....

mulderfan said...

Anon This woman never a mother she's simply an egg donor. People like that always land on their feet. You owe her nothing. Walk away with a clear conscience.

Anonymous said...

Thank you very much for this blog. I have nothing to add. Reading all these posts I was reading my story. Now, I know that I am not the only one who is facing this problem with parents. I am tired of always being not good enough. It does not matter how hard I try. I had a stroke a month ago. My father was upset and told me to take care of my health in the future because if I don't, there will be nobody to take care of him. Never asks me how I feel but always talks about himself. He is not rich but he is not a poor person. However, he lives with me and I pay for everything. He fills out all space around me. Sometimes I feel almost physically that I can not breath when he is around. I never have time and energy to do anything for myself. I even do not have enough time for my children and grandchildren because my father always comes up with something that HE needs. If I try to oppose him, he starts yelling that it will be my fault if he dies of heart attach because I told something that is not what he wants to hear. And I quit. After having stroke, I have even less energy to stand for myself, and feel like I am trapped. This blog really helped me to see my problem and I am willing to work to resolve it. Thanks a lot.

mulderfan said...

ANON you're father is clearly taking no responsibility for your health so why would you be responsible if he has a heart attack?
Kick him out of your home and your life. You've earned the right to have a drama-free life. Trust me it's wonderful!

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Anonymous said...

My mother was an alcoholic absent mother who gave me a hard mean look when she wanted her children to move back with their father who was physically violent to her. He almost killed her, after a vicious kicking beating, where she was passed out on the floor all night, bleeding out, close to death. We fled to another state, but shortly after, she did not want us around any more, and expected us to go back to our father, giving me that hard mean look. I didn't go back to my father. Now my mother has lung cancer, she is 73. I have leukemia, what a joke, we both get cancer together. I am in better shape than her, I am handling chemo better. She is so lonesome and pitiful, I refuse to feel sorry for myself. I dont pay attention to her like I should, but if she could turn her back on me as a young 14 year old who needed basic training in life, and I really needed basic life mother-daughter training, then I can turn my back on the old fucked up bitch.

Anonymous said...

My father died almost a year ago now after suffering from several different bouts of cancer. My middle brother has been ill for a year now so my Mother went from caring for my Dad to jumping in to take care of the brother. Many of the brothers problems are from drug abuse according to his Drs. plus diabetes (he has a lazy son living with him in his 20's). My Mother is evil. She will complain then turn around and brag about how she loves it. there is no pleasing her, her middle son has always been her sunshine even though him and his children are complete and utter failures. She lies, contradicts and chases away all the good people. no one can ever do enough but when they eventually stop she never liked them. All I want to do is DISTANCE myself from her but of course as her grown daughter you naturally feel guilt and you get sucked back in. So I send things, gifts and I do for them to make them happy so I can keep my distance. From reading so many other post, just because someone is your parent they can still be nasty, no you do not have to love them or even want to be around them. Survivorship has to kick in because they will suck the very life out of you, all the joy in life. I dread calling her my oldest brother said he'd rather shoot himself in the foot but the way he deals is he calls and just says ok, uh huh and let's her rambling when he'd really like to argue, but he keeps quiet. How awful is that. My oldest brother says she is a vindictive nasty old woman. He "isn't" wrong.

Pearalta said...

I´m in the same boat as everyone here; both parents are N and have never gotten along...unfortunately my youngest beautiful sister passed away at age 47 only 9 months ago...their already rotten/negative characters have now become even worse, the entire dysfunctional family is in collapse mode...they are both terribly depressed, which is understandable, my Nfather has only 1 child (my dead sibbling) and sanctifies the poor girl in such a ridiculous way that anyone would know it is not reality...
The frustrating part is that neither of them wants help of any kind, but expect their kids to be their saviours for every situation...
my father lived the good life with lovers all of his married life & even has a diary (1993-1997) about his last affair which I believe was still going on until he became dependant; this really peeves me, especially that the slut he was seeing knew he was married...According to his diary, she also saw other men and used to make up excuses not to see him on certain days; he has always referred to women as being whores,and uses that word towards his 2 eldest daughters (me & sis) and wife...he now openly tells me that I have 30 men a day & other ugly things including theft accusations to me & my brother who he says has taken 50-100thousand dollars from him...all lies. There is obviously dementia going on here, but it´s disgusting to hear these things over and over again; a total lack of respect!
My N father hates me the most and only has horrible stories to tell about me, this has been going on forever; my other sister has come up with the theory that he probably hates me because he was forced to marry because I was already on the way...
Gotta stop now...thanks for your sories!

Anonymous said...

Here's the funny part. My nacrcissitic Dad thinks my Narciccistic sister is a CIA agent. She is just a piece of con >>>> partying with friends in Eurpoe for years, while I bail out both of my parents repeatedly. Now, the narcissist is under my roof and verbally attacks me every day.. well, he is under my roof because he would be bankrupt with out a roof if it wasn't for my husband and me. But, he calls himself an Elite athlete, an expert engineer, just about everything short of a genius. He called my husband and I rednecks, criticized all our lives, but without us, he would be a homeless mother fucker. His cruelty drove my mother's pain deeper as she died from horrible side effects of rheumatoid arthritis. I am reminded of his emotional abuse daily. I don't disagree with him or he will have awful, mean tantrums. I just want GOD to relieve him and me of his misery. I am counting down the days when he can go torment my narcissistic "spy" sister. AMEN.

Anonymous said...

My elderly mother is a freaking narcissist with dementia getting worse too! The horror is she lives with me! Don't get me wrong occasionally she's ok even great! BUT I have 2 chronically I'll children and she cares but doesn't grasp that they need me too! She is RUDE, MEAN, AND TALKS LIES TO PEOPLE! I DO it all with nobody to help me! I had surgery and she wouldn't let me rest kept talking shit to me! Like I need this give me that I FELT SICK PHYSICALLY AND SICK TO MY STOMACH ON HER SELFISH RUDENESS! I make up stories to leave my own dam house to spend time with my beautiful kids. She is even mean to them as well! I took her out of the dam nursing home because she looked so sad! BUT NOW I want to put her back in so she can respect me! Ugh... Every morning its like I'm afraid what the mood she will be in! BTW I have 2 siblings that do not bother even calling mom and sis lives a block away!

Anonymous said...

I have just found this website...Cannot believe there are so many of us going through this awful situation...I am only daughter, youngest of 3, in my 50's...and just don't know how to handle it.
I live closer to parents than other family members, and used to visit regularly..Father has always criticised me. I have 1 brother who is treated the same and lives away and is rarely in touch. Other brother is the golden child. He and they are in regular touch. This brother goes to see them and never informs me ( I'm just 5 minutes away!! ...but he wouldn't drop in to see me!...Father has said we all need to be in touch (as it is more my role than my brothers!??) ..I am in touch but I know that Golden haired child and father are also in close contact and have in past had words against me and my other brother!My husband also gets bagged for "controlling me", and behind our backs we are totally slammed for everything we do ( holiday destinations, places we visit, what we do). Mother supports father's view but also like to be "nice" to me when I visit. They think my behaviour has changed and I'm a different person to what I used to be (as my attitude HAS changed towards I am now aware of how they treat me and talk to others against me SO I try not to have much conversation with him now..but focus on talking to Mum when I visit them)Since understanding this my attitude has changed and it has mentally stuffed me up. e.g. I went to visit him last week and No 1 brother and wife were there..and a couple of other people. They were all sitting down when I arrived..I walked in a and said a general hello to everyone, and apologised to all as I requested to could go straight to the bathroom ( as I needed to!!).Mother got up and gave me a hug as I ran to the bathroom...Thought all was fine, so then I sat down with all there was general talk.... and then eventually we all got up to go. Brother left and I was just the last one to wleave. So went to say good bye to both Mum and Dad. Father walked out and Mum said he was in the bathroom..I waitied, and then after 5 minutes questioned Mum and realised he wasn't there, but walked out the back. Mother went out back to tell him I was going, and he SHOUTED AT her that I DID NOT GREET HIM when I arrived and how offensive and rude and out of line I was, and that he would not come in to say anything to me..(I just left and told mum how he affected me and how there was a terrible situation b/w us). Mother said father thinks that I am sometimes out of line and 'out of line'. I confirmed a number of times when he had bagged me ( evidence from his phone being left off the hook and he had absolutely "bagged me and my husband"...evidence I was 100% correct)..I then got in car- appearing upset..She just walked back into her home...Thought I would have received a call from her, but NO. ...more below!

Anonymous said...

...and more
Problem I have is that my father has been in regular contact with my son (who goes there regularly for dinner)and has sneakily bagged us to him behind our backs, and my son does not realise how much my father uses my son and steers conversations about me and husband about everything we do and how we live our lives..My son knows he can be aggressive and strong, however father has manipulated and twisted things around so son is slightly anti me and my husband about our attitude towards my parents and believes as they are old ( 80's) I should be looking after them more. I have tried to explain to son re : how I am treated and how I feel, but he just shuts down and reacts against my view. His strong relationship has affected his relationship with his Dad ( my husband) and me..Am unable to do anything about this cos he wont listen or want to talk about it I have not been in touch since incident mentioned above ( 1 week), normally drop in 2/ week....Advice from other posits is to cut off...but due to my son I don't want to do this cos I don't want to increase the issues b/w son and us....Unfortunately as well, all other people (cousins, family, their friends think he is AMAZING and a terrific person and is so great to be around (he is nice to them)...I will be bagged further if I continue to stay am thinking I should drop in ( today may be my only chance)...and maybe just speak to Mum about nothing really and just be nice??and just keep a slight distance from him and pretend to be respectful??PLEASE HELP ME..Would love some advice and help...I'm

In Bondage said...

I stumbled upon this website and see the same dysfunctional behavior in my family. I have felt alone for so long. I seldom meet anyone in person who has suffered from the extreme narcissistic abuse that I have but I have read about other people's experiences. Almost everyone I know gets together with their parents, takes trips, goes out to eat etc. They are connected and seem to be happy. My experience with my family has been a trip in itself. I have tried so hard for that normal relationship with my parents but it is impossible. My parents are so far beyond normal that it is an embarrassment. They are elderly now, early eighties but not senile by any means. They were the same in their forties which was when I was old enough to start recognizing that something was very wrong with their thought patterns.

My mother has no opinions whatsoever. In fact, she is a victim of my father and doesn't even know. She is depressed and suffers from anxiety. She doesn't know what is troubling her. It is very obvious to me. She waits on him hand and foot. She does not attend to her own needs and he comes first. She doesn't know how to relate to her adult children. She can only relate to cats. When her cats die she will go into a very deep depression and the last one sent her to hospital where she was admitted for a month. She was exhausted and worn out. She always agrees with my Dad. She has never, ever looked out for me. When my Dad upsets me she will never offer to talk to him or help me with it. The only thing she does is take his side. She has never offered any emotional support. She never read to me as a child or taught me anything. She was there physically but checked out emotionally. She has been hijacked by my father so to speak.

Everything revolves around him. He expects you to eat when he eats. He expects you to eat a certain kind of bread. He expects everyone in his town to eat that same bread too and if they don't they are fools. He is very critical of people's weight. He is judgmental of people in general and does not socialize. He thinks that people should be like him. You cannot express your opinions or viewpoints to him because if they differ from him, which they will because he is so extreme, he will get upset. He will rant on and on about how people should do this and that and if they did they would not have a problem. But they have problems and are not happy. They are joy killers. They take the happiness out of everything. They are never excited for me. I suffered from learning disabilities growing up due to all the stress of it. I completed a 2 year degree and some certificates of trade. When I share anything with them there is no comment, no interest, nothing. If something tragic happens, for example my boyfriend of 23 years died from an illness. When I told them he passed away they never offered to help me in any way. I don't mean financially or anything. I don't want their money. I just want to be loved and cared for. I have to accept the fact that it will never, ever happen. It is impossible for them to love.

My Dad is very rigid and will never change. He walks and swings his arms and expects others to swing their arms too. I was made to swing my arms when we walked as a family. In fact I was forced to do many things along these lines. There was some physical abuse but it was mostly the emotional abuse. I am now in my fifties and they are becoming verbally abusive.

The abuse is over the phone because I do not live in the same country as them - thank God. However, I still feel connected to all this abuse because I feel dropping them completely is not a good moral decision for me. However, I certainly understand others dropping their parents and would not judge them for it. I guess it is so difficult for me just to ignore them completely. I know one day I will be free of them but at the same time I will be sad because I never really had parents.

There is so much more. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

Anonymous said...

I am beginning to feel like the only way I can get along with my mother is giving her money each time I get paid or purchasing a favorite candy or soda she likes for heror bringing some lunch home for her if I stopped at a restaurant to get something to eat to go. Or she sends me to the store to pick up a pack of cigarettes for her. Or if I do some housework, cooking, and cleaning, I get along with her good. If I do some yard work, I get along good with her.I even help pay for gas to fill her car. I am beginning to question my mother's love. Does she really love me? Or does she love my money and what I do for her? Even though I volunteer to contribute without being asked, am I being used by my mom without knowing it? Is it possible that parents can unintentionally use their adult children and not know it? Once I came home from work with leftover lunch from Qudoba Mexican Grill I couldn't finish and ate it at home. She asked me "So you didn't think to see if anyone else wanted anything?" This is not a one-time occurance. Mother tried that with my sister and said she was "selfish" for not thinking to see if she wanted a soda when my sister bought herself a Pepsi. And the dirty low down trifling thing about it was that mom said all that when my sister wasn't over her house. That's pretty much the same as backbiting someone after they leave the room. Like, really? I don't be feeling like hearing that stuff. It's petty trivial stuff for one, and two, some lil girls in school do that. Most low down conversation not worth having. So, whatever. There are times when I want to call my mom a low down, aunery, nasty, holier than thou, dirty, condescending, evil, heartless woman because of the things she sometimes says. I told her she irks me sometimes. And you know what she told me: "Get over it. I upset everybody including family. You don't know what you're talking about. Holding on to that will make you crazy." Yes, you read it right; that's Exactly what she told me. I still remember that word for word. That just tells me how insensitive she is sometimes and doesn't care about how her words can affect people all the while caring about only herself and her own feelings and no one else's. And that is selfish and aunery.

Anonymous said...

My story .... my narcisistic father accused me of elder abuse, after assaulting me several times. I foolishly believed defending myself for the first time would not be actionable. WRONG My NFather made up several scenarios and I was arrested, never got a chance to defend myself to APS or PD. Basically what my Father said was enough for the DA to hold to answer to Sup Court felony charge. After almost two months in jail I took plea deal, Im not guilty of abusing him. I wanted out of jail. I lived with him, my whole life is there, two older cats that he hates???, and neglected horribly, starved them because he refused to feed them what I fed them???My mother same age 87 he abandoned, her phone got cut off, her power cut off several times, all when I was incarcerated. I had know way to contact her/him he changed his phone to a cell and failed o tell my MOM???
So skip to now I get out of jail to get my wallet, keys, cats and he says YOU DONT NEED TO LEAVE. Interesting that this man claimed I was so dangerous but still says you can live here. Nope there is a protective order, he says SO. Oh and he is legally blind, drives without a license and bring others guns in to CLEAN them and has accidentally fired off two leaving big holes in bathroom where he "cleans them"??? WTF? where does this insanity end, elder abuse b.s. he is the abuser and a danger to others.

Karen Blue said...

The above mam is EXACTLY like my mother. My sister never goes to visit and help her and she lives a block away. Everything is on me. It is exhaudting...

JLM86 said...

I'm right there now withy scizo mom... So sick of this s**t.