A middle-aged friend is suddenly having trouble with her aging mother.
Until recently, her mother was a very sweet and generous woman. When my friend has a problem with one of her teenagers or her husband, she drives over to her mother's assisted living facility and talks to her. Her mother, who has no dementia, listens carefully and not only gives great advice, but is very comforting and reassuring.
My friend is annoyed because her mother, now 85, is becoming difficult and more self-centered. The roles are reversing. She now has to listen to her mother complain. She must now reassure her mother. And it's driving her absolutely crazy. She resents the hell out of the fact that she is no longer being treated like the child. Her needs are not being met by her mother. My friend is at loose ends.
I told my friend she is grieving the loss of the mother-daughter relationship.
Later, it occurred to me that I NEVER had that relationship EVER. As an adopted "child," I had two mothers, but none. I had plenty of sympathy for my friend, but little for me.
We adult children of narcissists have to give ourselves a break. A big, fat break. We grew up without any emotional support and ended up not only alone, but dragging around heavy chains of guilt.