The other day, my (adoptive) narcissistic father called Martin Luther King, "a nobody."
I didn't bother to ask him why he thought this about the Baptist preacher, who was recently called a "universal role model" by Nicolas Sarkozy. I really didn't want to know. I could guess, but it's a big, fat waste of time and energy.
The point is, my father has said this sort of thing for as long as I can remember. That so and so is "a nobody," usually men who've somehow overcome adversity of some sort, like being a minority or poor.
My father really had it in for my first boyfriend's father. He too was Mexican, born poor and raised in East L.A. But he'd graduated from high school and had gone to college and had the audacity to become a lawyer. My father was extremely offended that this man had a bigger house and a nicer car (a blue Ford L.T.D.), but what really pushed my father over the edge, however, was that this man was quiet, dignified and reserved. "Who does he think he is, anyway?" my father would rage. "He thinks he's hot shit. But he's a nobody!"
I would gladly have exchanged my childlike father for my boyfriend's father in a heartbeat. In fact, I suspect I dated certain guys because I coveted their fathers, who seemed like men.
My father doesn't say this so much now that he's in an assisted living facility, but when he called King "a nobody," it reminded me of how much he used to say it. And how much I hated it growing up. It was a reminder that something was wrong with my father. That he wasn't like other dads. That he was more like a young teenager having a jealous fit than a grown-up. It made me feel uncomfortable and unsafe. It made me seethe with resentment. My father caused me endless, excruciating embarrassment. It made me hate him.
4 comments:
Wow, Nina.
Stunning!
We should get your dad and my mom in a room together. She could tell him all about how she "marched with MLK" (she did hear him speak at the Mall in DC --- I think). Then she'd wait for your dad to be impressed with her.
Then your dad could say "So what? He's a nobody". Then he'd wait for her to be impressed with him, as he's so much better than MLK.
Then they could have a wrestling match. We could charge admission.
Elise! You may have just invented a new reality show: Narcissistic Parent Smackdown.
However, I'm putting my money on dad...him being a male...he wouldn't even let your mother finish her first sentence. He's cuts people off when they hit their fifth word.
So your mother "marched" w/King. I can begin to see how bizarre that must have been to be around...where ordinary events are exaggerated. That must have been very confusing to be around...like you can't quite trust reality.
I love what you said. How cathartic. And it must be healing to now know that the little girl that you once were was made to feel unsafe being raised by someone who in someways was younger than herself. And now you're left to finish raising yourself. I'm here because I'm in a similar situation. My parents both believed they were perfect. They fed each other this illusion and their kids could never quite measure up. Thanks for your post.
I've always referred to my mother as the spoiled, older sister. That is how she acted when we were growing up. She threw tantrums because she had to spend money on us - her KIDS - rather than on herself. Nowadays, if you're in her house, she tells you that you have to do what she wants because it's her place and it's rude not to listen. If she comes to your house to visit, you have to do what she says because she's the company and it's rude to act that way. It's like she's constantly thinking about how everything has to benefit her. It must be so exhausting.
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