There is a downside, a big one, to staying in contact with a narcissistic parent (or friend, etc.)
No matter how much progress you make emotionally detaching. No matter how successful you think you are at creating boundaries. No matter how deeply you understand the dynamics of this extremely dysfunctional relationship. No matter how clearly you can articulate how you've adapted to your narcissistic parent or how you've unwittingly enabled him (or her) or what you've done to make sure you didn't end up a full blown narcissist yourself.
There's still blowback.
And I swear, some days, the wind blows so hard it knocks you right off your feet.
Because staying in contact with a narcissist costs you. At least, there's a direct cost to me.
The other day, I had a double serving of the narcissists in my life.
First, a self-centered friend who launched into her current tale of woe for our entire lunch.
Later, my adoptive ndad who talked about his day and the weather, but didn't allow me to say more than three words together. Which is what he always does. "Talking" with him is a weird experience. You might as well not be there. If he asks a question, he doesn't allow you to answer it. He'll cut you off as soon as you manage to utter, "Uh" and switch to another topic. If he asks how the grandkids are doing and I say, "They're really sick," he'll not express any concern or ask any questions, but he will tell you how he's managing to avoid getting sick at the assisted living facility.
Anyway....here's the blowback. The next day, I literally felt like I didn't exist. That there was no me. I felt empty. Invisible. Ghosts don't have interests or personal projects or goals they must work on. It was like I was floating through the day. I got nothing done. I could not work on my book. I couldn't even neaten my desk. I took a nap I didn't need because, I suspect, I was trying to disappear.
While I have progressed to not feeling churned up or angry after dealing with ndad, he still exerts such a powerful, primitive pull that I am dragged right back to where I don't want to go. (By the way, I stay in limited and controlled contact because I am an only child and act as his power of attorney. And since he's a narcissist, there's not one other single person in his life.)
Today, I snapped out of it. I'm feeling more like myself, less like a vessel. This gives me some hope. Maybe when he dies, I'll finally be free. To be me. As for that self-centered friend, I'm conducting an experiment. I'm not talking to her for a bit because I want to maintain this positive mood. I plan on writing today and I don't want anything to disrupt that. I want to observe how time-off from the narcissists in life impacts productivity.
11 comments:
I know that "I couldn't get a word in edgewise" feeling. It got to the point I felt self consious once when they actually remembered,late, a special day of mine. I mumbled "I didn't expect you to come..."
and changed the subject. I felt so odd when they mentioned me.
So what do you get talking to dad?
Doe sit make you feel better you fufuilled an obligation tohim or do you feel chained to this "obligation?" What I am getting at, is are you gaining anything from this? As a Catholic- I see merit in sacrifice and suffering. I am NOT advocate anyone offer themselves up to these monsters, but it's a different way of looking at our interactions with these folks. You could think of it as a publci service to those no one else can tolerate.
I hope that makes sense.
What's your book about?
HWC, It's really twisted, isn't it, that we expect so little and when we are given any sort of attention...we have a hard time accepting it. That's really kinda sad that you you were so surprised at the mention...of YOU!
Anyway...I maintain minimal contact with my ndad because I think it's my moral duty not to abandon him in his old age...out of deference to the fact that he was cruelly abused as a child. And while he emotionally neglected me, I don't feel I could do that to another person out of spite. That said, I do not derive any satisfaction or pleasure from my dealings with him. I don't know if this is a lapsed Catholic Guilt thing...probably...or what. It's a compromise I have reached.
Hey HWS, Forgot to say...
My book: fiction; it's about the tragic aftermath of a Closed Era adoption, family secrets and the collision of two cultures and generations. Did I mention one of the character's is a narcissist?
I LOVED the public service comment!!
Nina, you will be amazed at the how the level of your productivity goes up when you limit the narcissists in your life.
Keep on writing....I can hardly wait to read the book.
Hopewaits
Hi Nina,
I think you summed it up:
"You might as well not be there".
One of my dearest friends, age 44, just lost his mother to pancreatic cancer. He told me yesterday, tearful, that he "feels like an orphan" now (his father is a happy-go-lucky type, and almost more like a sibling to him).
I had to work really hard to keep from telling him over and over that he was lucky, and so was his mother...they had a real, vital, equal adult relationship, right up to the end. She died at home, and he and the rest of her family were with her.
He asked about my mother and I glossed it over. I didn't want to burden him too much --- his mom's been gone only a week. There will be time. But he is lucky, there is no doubt about it.
Elise...yeah, people like that are really lucky. I have a very hard time not being jealous. Hearing about how connected they were to a parent...how much they miss them still, after death...highlights how much we missed out on. And the thing is...we're never going to experience it. It's just one of those things that we have no control over! Are you gonna update your blog soon (if you haven't already)...???
Hi Nina, it's Anne here, too lazy to log in to comment - sorry! You are *not* alone with any of this, trust me! I have recently realized that an old friend is something of a narcissist - she occasionally listens to me but mostly it's a monologue, and there's always some nonsensical drama about someone who done her wrong. The upside is I can do things like surf the net when we talk on the phone... ha ha. I also talk to my N aparents, but as infrequently as possible because even though I too have been able to disengage to a certain point, I still feel like $hit for quite a while afterwards. I don't know why I do it - I think it's because I want to be the bigger person and take away their ability to say *I* completely abandoned *them,* when they are the horrible people, etc. I too am marking time until they die, and I also think I'll finally be free to not have a knot in my stomach for three days before and after their birthdays and Christmas (the only days I can bring myself to call them), among other things.
I'll update soon, Nina, I promise! Actually, one of the reasons I haven't is because so much has been going down. Will fix this very soon...
I have narcissistic people in my life too. In fact, I hung up on a friend and haven't tried attempting to get back into contact with her.
It is just like you said, If I start to say something, she'll make it all about her.
And sometimes, when she actually lets me speak, she'll zone out, and won't hear anything I say.
I don't think she'll call me back. And, I've decided not to contact her again.
Good luck with the narcissist people in your life!
Thanks for your post. Your experience rings true for me.
There have been times in my life when I suddenly don't feel real. In the worst of them, it feels like I'm invisible - even my body is gone.
After YEARS of therapy, mindfulness practice and karate, these experiences don't happen anymore.
That being said, it is a real challenge every time I talk to my narcissistic parents (now limited to birthdays, holidays and the odd random phone call). The way they talk to me is the same as your father: I can't get a word in edgewise. I am not there to them. It has always been this way.
Each call, I choose something REAL about me that DOESN'T have a risk of making me vulnerable, like a new recipe I tried, and when they ask, "What's new?" (this is done as a habit and a courtesy - they never ask how I am), I can say one sentence about this and be present in the conversation in a way that makes me feel real.
This technique seems to be working. It is always a chore to talk with them, but I keep the connection out of compassion for the injured children they are on the inside and the elderly people they are becoming on the outside.
I know it has been 5 years since this was posted, but this post has been such an eye opener to me. I have an entire narcissistic family. At age 22 I'm fairly new to the battle, since the first 18 years were spent in total invisible compliance. Since I lived in the state of "I might as well not exist" it seemed normal to me. Since I've moved out I've noticed that I'm actually capable of a whole lot, but as soon as I talk to a family member it's back to this barely lucid form.
It's such a relief that there's someone else out there who knows what I mean. My fiancè had a wonderful childhood with parents who would give him the world, and I'm not very good with expressing emotions via words. So, this gives me something tangible as way of an explanation that I think will help him understand what's going through my head. Kind of... Thank you so much for putting this down.
This entire blog is just wonderful, but this particular post hit me so hard since it's something I'm currently struggling with.
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