Tuesday, April 22, 2008

My Narcissistic Father....The Drama Queen

I wouldn't say my narcissistic adoptive father is a hypochondriac. (I was - now completely recovered - but that's another post)

He uses both real and imagined illness to get his way. And to get attention.

By the time he actually got sick, I'd already had it.

The first time I can remember him pulling a You-Did-This-To-Me-Stunt was back in the late sixties when he and my mother finally broke down and took me to Disneyland, which was less than 15 miles away. I must have been around eight. My mother had a bad back. My father suffered from a highly selective inner ear disturbance which could make him dizzy, depending on just how badly he didn't want to do something. I wanted to go on the rocket ship ride, but couldn't ride alone. They tried to talk me out of it, calling me stubborn and selfish. It was the one ride I really, really wanted to go on. About a minute into it, Dad started shouting and gesturing wildly and people started screaming below and the ride stopped. We were carted to the medical station, where the staff got an earful about how I'd done this to him because I was so selfish and stubborn. The day at Disneyland was cut short and, once in the car, my Dad perked up and ate a hearty meal that evening at his favorite restaurant.

Perhaps the biggest drama - the one that fills me with resentment today - is the one that took place the weekend I moved to college. I have no idea why I let them go with me. After all, I was footing the entire bill. They'd refused to loan me a dime. Getting into the college was perhaps the most important thing that had ever happened to me. But I was not destined to enjoy or relish the experience. My father got stomach pains the afternoon of our arrival. Sure enough, he wanted to go to an emergency room. My mother blamed me. I had made him sick because I was cold and selfish for leaving them. So I was forced to take him to emergency while my mother went shopping. And spent the next 24 hours at the hospital as the doctors ran tests. Of course, nothing was wrong with him.

Fast forward.

My father, showing signs of Lewy Body dementia, is (forcibly) checked into an assisted living facility.

The transition is a nightmare. My needy father turns into a sniveling, voraciously needy wreck...calling me up to a dozen times a day. When the head nurse says I need to put my foot down and quit answering the phone, assuring me she'll take care of him, he fakes a heart attack.

By this time, I am so trained to think that any non-compliance on my part is enough to (almost) kill an adult man that I feel guilty as hell trying to belatedly erect what is commonly referred to in the self-help literature as, "boundaries."

The nurses calls saying she's pretty sure he's faking, but called 9-1-1, anyway. Then she calls back, giggling, saying I'll never believe what had just happened. She and other staff had surrounded my father and gave him lots of comfort and reassurance while they waited for the paramedics. He perked up. He sat up and began joking and laughing. When the staff saw he was okay, they began to drift off and my father got up and acted very agitated over the "abandonment." So she said, half-teasing, "You know, _____, the paramedics are almost here. Should we tell them to go home?" or something like that.

And you know what he did?

He flopped back on the bed, clutched his chest and began to gasp.

The dementia had impacted enough of his judgment to allow him to carry on with an old act in front of an observer. But it was an old and tired act. And to have it WITNESSED by a third party was incredibly satisfying. Finally, independent confirmation that he was a faker! The nurse said she'd never seen anything like it! She said, later, that my father was possibily the neediest, most difficult resident she'd come across. Bonus!!!

Knowing my parent is such an emotional con artist isn't enough to totally throw off the burden of responsibility I feel toward my troubled father. I feel less burdened. Less responsible. But not, unfortunately, totally free. At least not yet. But it's a state I'd like to achieve. Desperately.

I know some readers have left comments about health and manipulation in the last post, but feel free to leave your stories, observations or thoughts on how to Get Past Guilt.

14 comments:

littlegirllost said...

Hi Nina,


My mom was ALWAYS ailing, yes she did have some true ailments but most were conjured up by her scheming self. Oh, I remember the one when she HAD to have an abortion because she was ordered on bed rest and she had us 2 little ones so therefore she aborted and sacrificed the child for us.
When I had my first car accident I was lucky enough to have her as a passenger, major concussion and head trauma on her part which was unfounded by the paramedics & doctors. I on the other hand broke my wrist & needed stitches, she must have been furious with me.
She is always going to the Dr. for one thing or another. I guess it all boils down to the need for attention, any kind will do.
I can just imagine what she is telling people about me know that we have not communicated in 3 1/2 yrs. Hopefully they will have the intelligance to know that there are 2 sided to every story.
I had my father in law live with us for 9 months so I can undertsand what you are going through. I have no idea if he was a narc or just became that way due to old age. Nasty, nasty man. We almost divorced bacuse of him & he would have just loved that. He was sooo mean towards his only son, truly disgusting.

Elizabeth

Bess said...

Wow, do you guys ever have my empathy. When I married my husband, I think he believed I exaggerated the selfishness of my parents. I was terrified that either of my parents would "get sick" while we were on our 6-day honeymoon. Fortunately, we made it through that short period of time without them having "serious" health problems; although, my father did try to refuse the father-daughter dance at the reception because, even though he came with his bitchy old girlfriend, my mother happened to be in attendance. He ended up moseying in half-way through the song and left the party immediately thereafter without saying goodbye to me. So, maybe that all worked out for the best. He was po'd; so he tried to give me the cold treatment...Yay! I got an actual vacation!!

Nina said...

Elizabeth,

Well, it seems the child of a narcissist is even held responsible for just EXISTING...as in the case of the abortion. The way an n-parent FRAMES events somehow always casts them in the best light. Yep. Your mom was probably seething that you ended up with the bonified injury requiring real medical help! I'm also sure you got no real sympathy or attention from her, either.

Try NOT to imagine what your mom is saying, but I know what you mean. Absolutely. None of us like to think of a) our parents trashing us and b) having others think we're ungrateful louts as we are sure to be depicted. I think this is especially worrisome to those of us who really care - a bit too much - about what others think of us...even if we don't like them!!!

BILLIE: Okay. That's bad. Worried on your HONEYMOON! Then again, I eloped. Probably to make sure they didn't screw up yet another important day.

Sometimes, I just can't believe the CHILDISHNESS and PETTINESS of the narcissist parent. They just can't put themselves aside, even for those closest to them!

Anonymous said...

Nina,

One great gift that you have - yeah, it's a gift - is that you have professional and independent confirmation that you are not crazy. I wish I did. My mother is still married to my stepfather, and neither one of them would let me have any contact with her doctors to voice the concerns I had over her behavior. When my mother was on a ventilator from what was obviously an overdose of her meds, my stepfather denied my request for next of kin status so that I could talk to her doctors. He said "I'll take care of everything." Well, he was supposed to be taking care of her, and there she was, on the ventilator. So much for that.

I wish I was able to talk to some of her doctors, or, rather, I wished I was able ... at this point I have just thrown up my hands. If she overdoses again and they don't bring her back, that's going to be the way it's going to be. I have no legal rights.

I am so sorry for you, Nina, as I really believe you have a much more difficult parent than mine, and the ante is now clearly much higher. I feel so terrible for your situation and wish I could give you a hug.

I am glad you apparently have a nice head nurse who is looking out for your well being. It sounds like you should listen to her, she seems to have a lot of common sense where your Dad is concerned.

roxtarc said...

billie: my pop was a disgrace at my wedding also... kept talking during the daughter/dad dance.. about 'awke his bloody back, he canny take the pain i'm in agony' (he's scottish & has that accent that people think is "automatically charming that they dont usually listen to what it is he actually SAID)...

but getting past the guilt...
I think the guilt may be somewhat compounded for your situation… having been adopted nina. The guilt wore off for me, or shall I say STARTED to wear off for me when I realized… that the selfishness and the lies and the manipulation deprived me of a childhood and contributed to the self-sabotage that I subjected myself to my whole life… picking “commitment phobic partners” so it would be THEM when the relationship finally dragged itself out to it’s last dying gasp for air (meanwhile I was more of a commitment phobe than anyone, I mean who could blame me what w/the wonderful example I had)… the abuse I put up with in those relationships as well.

But the last guilt straw was bending when we moved his @ss into our apartment (that I jumped through hoops to get him) and my husband FINALLY realized what I was dealing with… we’d just bought our first house I was almost three months pregnant and that man (my narc pop) was more concerned about me packing his things & his moving him into our old apt… than he was about the fact that his PREGNANT daughter w/his first grandchild just bought their first home… hahah… I mean the entire situation is laughable now. oh wow, he still owes me money for that I just realized (hmmm that’ll be some narc weaponry for the future)…

The straw bent further when I realized he was a narcissist… knowing it’s HIM and how classically and clinically he fully fits that description has most certainly helped me to get over that catholic guilt… it was helpful for me to know it was him that got me past the anger… and just let it go, because it had nothing to do w/me, or my siblings, or my mother or anything we did or didn’t do or have or provide. It also helped me deal w/him… knowing it was all about the reaction, and the attention…. And finally being able to take back the control and wield the power… there’s power in being unaffected… there’s power in being able to avoid his conversation traps…. Where he’ll make an open ended statement… and expect me to automatically answer it w/a suggestion and thereby trapping me… ie: “the supermarket doesn’t have that chicken broth I loved that you bought me”… before I would have responded with “oh do you want me to get you more?” NOW my response is “no huh?” or “they don’t?”, and then there’s a whole clip of silence where he waits to see if I’m going to follow it up w/an old response and I don’t…. (like his “I don’t know how I’m going to get to the christening” I responded “well I’m throwing the party not arranging for transportation for the guests” hahah) really… its funny when you break it down & get the hang of it.

The straw shredded when he reneged on helping my mother w/something he had dangled over her head for a year… my moving him into our old apt was a precursor to him agreeing to help…. And that reneg… at the 12th hour…

That was it
I was done
Free at last, free at last….
What’s worse for him is that he freed us ALL in one fell swoop
He’s still trying to regain his narc-hand. But w/the education I’ve immersed myself in…. and the support that came from my dh and the fact that I created the most amazing lil baby boy… and the awesome responsibility of that… that I can honestly say… my baby/my family and I mean MY family when I say that…. comes first… and that cuts any creeping or lingering guilt to the root and destroys it….. like industrial strength weed killer

Altho I gotta tell ya… we have a family wedding coming up on Friday… I’m asking for my $850.00…. that oughta keep him away from me for the night hahahah. See what I mean, it’s funny when you break it down… a lil narc weaponry, you may feel like you need an arsenal but sometimes just a lil ammo can do the trick. (btw, i'm sorry this is so long but w/the wedding coming up it's all fresh & its good for me to get it out here)!!! thx

Anonymous said...

“She said, later, that my father was possibly the neediest, most difficult resident she'd come across. Bonus!!!”

Oh man that must be sooooo great to have confirmation and validation, especially from a professional who see real sick people everyday and can call bs on your dad. Your dad’s obvious performance is so typical of narcissists, because he is acting sick then the supplies around him should automatically check themselves at the door and believe him hook, line, and sinker.

Weddings seem to be a trigger for many people, narcissists and non-narcissists alike. 10 years ago my sister Bree was getting married in Bermuda. She and husband paid for everything: guests' airfare to Bermuda and their hotels on the beach. My second sister, Cece, is autistic and was accompanied by her staff, Tammy, which Bree of course paid all of her expenses. Tammy was a pain in the ass but she was very good with Cece so we tolerated her, except for my mom. Mom always used Cece as one of her many crutches and excuses and soon she and Tammy were butting heads. Long story short, mom had a total meltdown the night more Bee’s wedding. She accused Bree of ‘not siding with her’ over Tammy and began crying and screaming how she will just run away and leave Cece at the mercy of the state.

That’s when I stepped in and announced that I have applied for legal guardianship of Cece and my lawyers believe it will be a done deal soon (call that an early wedding present for Bree). It was enough to shock mom to shut up and into non-bad behavior mode. Up until the wedding mom had fully expected Bree (the golden child) to be the one take care of Cece AND take care of her.

Like mom, dad had used Cece has a way to make himself look good in front of his community and his relatives. Not wanting to lose that advantage, he suggested that he and I be co-guardians of Cece. This was his reasoning, “I have the age and the wisdom, and you have the youth and the energy.” Translation: He tells me what to do and I go and do it. Like his brilliant plan to get a horse farm for Cece because “she likes horses” and I’m supposed to make it happen. I asked dad if he had any idea how difficult it was to take care of horses that are notoriously delicate creatures. I told him no way and that I want sole guardianship. This shocked him as until that point I had always played the role of a “good daughter” who never gave him trouble, when in reality I was biding my time. There is an advantage to being the scapegoat and designated loser of the family, they don't see you coming. Several thousand dollars later I got what I want and one of the first things I did was not renew Tammy’s contract (dad had Tammy totally wrapped around his little finger, I think she thought dad would marry her which was one of the reasons why she acted like a pain at Bree’s wedding)

A few years later at my cousin’s wedding I learned from my aunts that dad been telling everybody that he and I were co-guardians. I simply said, “No, I’m the sole guardian and make all decisions regarding Cece’s care.” And left it at that.

Cinder Ella said...

Nina, how priceless having the head nurse see your father's manipulation in all it's glory!

My own n father's drama thankfully revolved mostly around non-medical things. The one exception is when he knew he was dying. He announced that he wanted to get together one weekend to tell us all about his wishes once he passed away. He just happened to chose the one weekend I was going away with a group of women from our church. It was the first time in four years that I hadn't been either pregnant or nursing, and had been able to participate in the outing.

Silly me, I told him I had plans for the weekend and suggested we do it the next weekend, but offered to cancel my plans if he felt it was that important. So, yeah, I cancelled my plans.

We got together early afternoon and I kept waiting for him to explain his wishes. Finally, when the evening was almost over, he had us all sit down and he repeated what he had told us were his wishes the previous weekend: that he wanted to be creamated and put in a jar that my mother could then bury where she pleased. That was it, his wishes in a nutshell, the wishes for which I had given up my first weekend away in four years.

Thankfully, it was an opportunity for my husband to see just how far my father would go in his selfishness. It's nice to get the reinforcement and perspective from an outsider who doesn't consider such things normal.

Nina said...

SORRY FOR THE DELAY IN REPLYING!

Lost DSL as poor husband forced to rewire...under house.

4/23 ANONYMOUS: Thank you so much for your kind words. It seems like your hands are definitely tied. Maybe this will make it easier to "let go" becuase, in more ways than one, this situation with your mother is simply out of your control. That said, if you are by nature a take-charge, "fixer" kind of person as many of us children of n's are, then letting go is much easier said than done!

ROXTARCHIC: I've often wondered that...if being adopted compounds guilt and I think it does. But it's really interesting and validating to hear a non-adoptee say that.

Well, it sounds like some of us have that big epiphany when we're pregnant and we think, finally, it's about ME and MY CHILD and I'm finally going to get my turn and get some comfort and attention - but the obliviousness of our n-parent only kicks into high gear and is highlighted.

I found HOW you used to respond to your father fascinating because I tend to be a huge, pro-active, people, pleasing, gotta-do-it-now! fixer, due to training...but you showed you learned how to deprogram!

WHAT HAPPENED AT THE WEDDING? (Will check your blog)

ENILINA:

That sounds like the wedding from hell, for your sister AND you. Actually, it sounds like it could be a scene in a movie, except the audience probably wouldn't buy it because it's so over the top. But that's just day-to-day drama in our lives.

"This shocked him as until that point I had always played the role of a “good daughter” who never gave him trouble, when in reality I was biding my time. There is an advantage to being the scapegoat and designated loser of the family, they don't see you coming."

I just wanted to say, as an only child, I hadn't given any thought about the dynamics within a family where the parents are n's, but have several children. While I suspect the "good" and "scapegoat" phenomena exist in non-narcissistic families, I think that the roles must be even MORE pronounced and harmful b/c of the manipulation. As in the case of your father and the image he needed desperately to project...an image that he wanted to continue...on your BACK and hard work. Good for you for setting the record straight when you found out he'd been lying!

CINDER ELLA: I'm glad your husband saw your Dad for what he is. I think the author/psycholoanalyst Alice Miller was sooo dead on in talking about the importance of having a witness to what we've had to deal with.

Anonymous said...

Nina, thank you for posting that. I too struggle with a narcissistic father who leaves me struggling to 'get over guilt.' I always seem to have an inherent feeling of guilt, driving me to compulsive behavior's that don't even make sense to me.

My faith in God and healing through Him really help me through it all. With God, I know that his pure love is but a whisper away, and all I have to do is offer up a silent prayer, he hears, and loves.

Without God, I wouldn't have been able to get over my constant sense of dread and terror my father's emotional narcissism has placed on me. Unlike your father, mine doesn't pull any hypochondriac acts, but he is overly demanding and constantly thinks things are going to happen to me. I'm going to get in a car accident if I drive, I'm going to be a failure if I don't have a certain job, if I don't invest my money the way he deems correct, I'll live a life of poverty.

Unrealistic, insane expectations that would drive anyone batty. I've dealt with this my entire life..and when you're young, you think your father's actions are normal...but society gives you a harsh reality check that you've been duped your entire life. This can wreak alot of havoc on your psyche..something I deal with everyday.

Anonymous said...

Hi, Nina,
Yes, I actually got here by googling elderly narcissistic parent with dementia and I am thrilled to find your blog. Thank you for the time you put into it. I am in a long Groundhog effect loop with a narcissistic mother and hope to add lots and lots of comments. Right now though, I want to ask you about your getting over hypochondria?? How??? I could really use some help. Also, there really isn't enough energy left right now for me to post (bad day of dealing with all the craziness), but I hope to add lots of comments soon.

Lisa said...

Hi Everyone, Glad in a way i'm not the only one to have to deal with a narcissistic father. My dramas have now gone into overdrive. A quick breakdown is my mother used to physically abuse me as a child, when my parents divorced, I felt sorry for my father so I chose to live with him, I was 10. I thought life would be better, but I got it completely wrong, it felt worse, my father couldnt cope with his behaviour in turn taking it out on me, I constantly made excuses for him my whole life, eg. hes in emotional distress, hes sorry for what hes done etc...I eventually met a nice man 15 years ago, who tolerated my fathers behaviour, my dad you could tick all the symptons of narcissism, because my boyfriend was calm/collected a majority of the time, it didn't really cause much conflict between us all unless my kids misbehaved then my father would take it in his hands to disapline them...and yes physically, I had a few conflicts over that as its my job to protect my children. Anyway my boyfriend and I lasted 13 years and other probs ended our relationship, I then met up a boy i knew back when i was 14 years old, hes a really nice man, he treats me like a queen most times, unfortunately my dad had to move and played the whole guilt trip I have no money to move etc... can I move in with you temp til I find my own place, I reluct agreed, my new boyfriend also was moving in with me, unfortunately now conflict has evolved "big time", my boyfriend hates my dad and vice versa, my bf dislikes the nasty comments my dad gives me, he hates the way my dad walks all over me etc... my dad goes through all our bedrooms when we are not home, hes played the guilt trip on me that its always just been him and I, and my new bf is the problem, Ive asked my dad to leave repeatedly, explaining its not working out, my bf was gunna walk out the other day cause he cant take much more of my fathers verbal abuse and threats anymore. My dad is now in hospital getting knee surgery done, I'm completely lost, I've always handled it by being quiet and submissive, and generally try not to let my fathers behaviour get to me, my dad has now lied to me and everyone saying that my bf has attemped to get him cut off his benefits fromt he government, and now I'm the bad daughter cus i'm kicking him out on the streets with nowhere to go and no money, my house lease doesn't run out til next year in march, thinking about breaking lease and moving out ourselves then my dad has no choice to move out. Im at a loss, the whole guilt trip between my father, boyfriend and different comments from friends and family etc... are all confusing. Ive always tried to be the nice good person everyone expects me to be, but i'm losing it. :(
Lisa

Nina said...

LISA,

Sorry I'm months late in replying..after taking a long, unintended break as explained in Jan. 2010 post...

I HOPE your situation has improved, but I sort of doubt it.

You shared so much....all of it too much for one person to handle. As you know in your heart, the balance is way off in terms of what you received and what your n-dad expects you to give...and give...and give...

Relatives can be simply merciless in the unsolicited advice department. Hell, THEY aren't the ones who are doing the caretaking...physical and emotional.

WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT TO DO?
WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU DIDN'T CARE WHAT EVERYBODY ELSE SAID YOU SHOULD DO? Take some time and think it over.

That's what I think you should.
do.
If it means telling your father he needs to move out immediately...or you're giving him two weeks notice..or in March b/c you are moving...whatever...

I had several relatives call and tell me that my father HAD to move in with me and my family...that I HAD to take care of him because that's what good Mexican daughters did or I was going to hell...then all sorts of guilt after all my father had done for me (hah!).

Guess what? I finally found a backbone...sold his house...found an excellent assisted living facility (and now a super nice board and care)...and NOT ONE OF THOSE RELATIVES HAVE CALLED OR VISITED HIM ONCE. They really didn't actually care about him. In fact, they didn't even like him. So it was possible I could have caved in to all the pressure and nobody really would have cared...been impressed or particularly pleased.

You can say no and set limits...firmly and pleasantly...and it won't mean you are evil and selfish. If we had semi-normal, imperfect parents who'd given us unconditional love 50% of the time, I'm sure we'd feel like doing more...but considering what we actually got...nada...well, heck...

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing all of your stories. At least I know I am not crazy anymore.

10 years ago a stranger broke into my 3rd floor apartment in Europe and slit my throat when I decided I wouldn't let them rape and kill me.

My father ... wait for it ... flew all the way to Europe from New York and started screaming at me in the intensive care ward of the hospital how it was my fault I got attacked. The hospital nurses and the doctor were horrified and spent the rest of the time trying to keep him away from me.

I was 21 and for the first time saw him through adult eyes. He told my boss he wanted 'compensation' from someone, as though I was his property. He whined and complained and ended up going shopping most of the time while I was in intensive care. My boss and her husband ended up taking care of me.

So I always say .... being attacked by a rapist is not the worst thing that can happen to you. Having to deal with abusive n-parents is.

Ten years later I am happy and healthy. I have cut off contact with my parents, but am in touch with my brother and other nice, sane family members. I have a loving partner who treats me like a queen and a great job running my own company. So being healthy is possible but it sure takes a shit load of work!

Anonymous said...

The "heart attack" routine your father gave was superbly coriagraphed, he would do well in Hollywood!

I've had a very similar situation with my mother, except not so dramatic (and ultimatly humerous).

She is desperately trying to get me to visit more often, as I have cut back in an effort to avoid being attacked so much. So she chases me around with money in her hand ( each time a little more than the last) trying to force me to take it. Presumably to 'buy' me, and control me.

When I leave and have placed/thrown/discarded the money her last attempt is to puff and fan her face saying she's sure she's having a heart attack. Or if I don't take the money she will have a heart attack!

I've either left the money quietly on a shelf somewhere in the house, or taken it back the next time I visit.

I no longer know who's mad, her or me!!

The thing is all my life she's made it very clear she can't be called upon in a financial emergency. Even to the extent of misinterpreting conversations about the state of my finances, as asking her for money (when I've actually been saying how well we been doing-freudian or what?). I've watched while she gave one brother maybe both, loans and gifts that were never offered to me, and I resent it.

She paid a brother's mortgage for 6 months whilst he hit a troubled patch (his own making) but has told me I have to sell my house if I need money.

When I left school (many years ago) I wanted to go to college, but I was actively discouraged, (mind you, I was actively discouraged throughout school so I wasn't exactly over flowing with exam results). No help form filling or gathering info about grants etc. and definitely no help financially, in fact she told me the quicker I found a job the better. She was after money herself. From me.

I was watching a tv program about a lovely woman paleontologist, who made good and became the top of her field, she was a little older than me, it just dragged up all the feelings of waste and loss. I was so angry, I didn't know what to do with the feelings so here I am.