Yes, that's me. Off to the right there, looking absolutely miserable.
Those are my adoptive parents.
My amom was controlling and domineering and self-centered. She made me pretend I was biologically hers because she, "didn't like to think of me that way." Meaning adopted.
Then there's my adad. Phew. Basket case. Diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder in his seventies after a lifetime of being a childlike loner. Emphasis on childlike. He needs constant attention. He talks constantly. I am 47 and I've never, ever managed to complete a full sentence in "conversation" with my adad in my life. This is not an exaggeration.
I was about ten in that picture. It was taken at an amusement park. It was one of the few times I got to go. My amom was a party girl and thought doing stuff like that was incredibly boring. The only time I got to go to Disneyland, we had to go home early because adad got sick on a ride. Then blamed me.
If I knew what I was in for later in life with those two, I might have thrown myself off the rollercoaster.
My amom used cold, punishing silences to get me to do what she wanted. These silences could go on for weeks. Once, for several years. She stopped talking to me when I went away to college because I'd left her. When I'd call and try to tell her about my thrilling new experiences, she'd say, "Uh uh, uh uh. Isn't that nice for you." Then she'd hand the phone to adad who would immediately interrupt and tell me all about himself.
Then amom developed Alzheimers. I managed her care for almost ten years, while trying to manage my childlike adad and caring for my two little girls.
Soon after she died, adad developed Lewy Body dementia. I am now managing his care, after forcing him into an assisted living facility.
I am entering my 16th year as the caretaker of parents with dementia. Some good news and bad news. Alzheimers turned my strong, cold amom into a compliant, soft-spoken one. The frontal lobe dementia called Lewy Bodies has made adad's narcissism even worse.
You'd think I would have figured out this whole narcissism thing decades ago.
But I didn't.
I've just figured it out within the last year or so, sort of by accident. On the way out of my adoption fog. I've chronicled that journey at www.adopteejournal-nina.blogspot.com.
I decided to start this blog because most of the people visiting did so after Googling, "narcissistic parent" or "narcissistic elderly parent" or some other variation.
If you stop by, please leave a comment. No need to apologize if it's long. I don't mind. I read and learn from them all, even if I sometimes run out of time and don't reply personally to every one.
15 comments:
Hi Nina, I finally got a blogger account sorted. So glad you started this blog! I am not sure if both my aparents were NPD, my amom was for sure (sounds a LOT like your amom) but my adad is more like half-and-half: I think he has been warped by 50 years of living with amom. who knows. I also recently realized that NPD was at the root of my problem w/the aparents, and look forward to working through as many things as possible with others like me here! Anne
ANNE! Oh, my dear, I've seen THAT before! Where one self-centered parent, over time and through the force of their personality, warps the other parent. This is really sad. And maddening. Your dad could have helped protect you against your mother, but he was too weak to withstand the pressure. He may have had to do things her way. Which meant you didn't have a defender. Or a reliable witness to what went on. BLECH!
I'm so glad you found me...so I could meet you.
Hi Nina!
Thanks for adapting to the traffic...seems like the numbers of people realizing their parents are N grows every day!
Thanks so much for linking to my blog. I am beyond honored...you do know, right, that I've been linked to yours for awhile, right?
8^)
Cheers
Elise
Elise,
Our society, it seems, is suffering from a plethora of narcissistic parents! Yes, I knew you linked to mine. You are the first person I thought of as a link. I visit your blog often...far more than I leave comments!
Hi Nina,
I can totally relate to the narcissist (in this case my a-mother) warping the other parent (originally martyr). I often wish my a-dad had had the guts to stop her in her tracks, but all he ever did was enable. Now he's almost as warped as she's always been. Let them stew in it together, I say. Great to visit your new blog. Thanks. Annie
Nina this is fantastic. I am so glad you started this blog.
The lines became blurred for me for a while and I don't think I was strong enough to concentrate on both my NP and AP situations. It's internal work I need to do though for sure. A separate space is a good idea.
ANNIE:
Parent as martyr! Very hard to take and very guilt inducing. You get so that the normal things parents do on a daily basis becomes a whip with which to lash you later!
HEY MIA!!! I know you've struggled with this, too. There's no way one person can tackle - with equal energy - both issues at the same time and still be sane. It's almost like we need to deal with one at a time...and see where they intersect/overlap later. And, as you know, it seems there are quite a few adoptees who were placed into homes with at least one narcissistic parent.
Hi. What a read. Both my parents were narcissistic and I fortunately survived most of the damage by leaving home after college. I thought I was reasonably smart, but was I naieve as my mother and sister have taken over and laid claim to everything, inheritance, my deceased father's belongings, and after excommunicating her sister and son years ago, I have now been exiled. My sister is so co-dependent and a co-narcissist, I couldn't take it any longer after being betrayed in a small financial gift from an inheritance while my sister got nearly $400,000 and I got 0. I'm 52 and finally have seen the light, and finally stood up to both of them. Mother is a child of an alcholic, father was an only child. Both very self-absorbed and emotionally abusive in such sly, subtle ways. The absurdity of it all is that my sister, two years younger, is now a therapist (third career) and when I was lied to by our mother, she did not a single thing to correct the betrayal. She's sponged off our parents all her life and feels she's due any and everything she gets for now she takes care of our mother because mother has exiled her other two children. I spoke the truth and neither of them cared. My father finally understood, but it was too late. I forgave him, but my mother and sister will rot in hell, and I told them in no uncertain terms I won't put up with such awful behavior. The fact that my sister is a family therapist is the biggest joke of all, and it was she who finally declared that our mother was a narcissist, and she was the supply source. From the horse's mouth! But when it came to the money, she wanted it all, and made sure she got it. I told her even if I had a dog, I wouldn't send it to her for therapy. Needless to say, the thin skinned know it all was offended...LOL
What a book I could write...but I have too much to accomplish than waste my time regurgitating bad behavior.
My best wishes to you,
nancy
By the way, I read "Toxic Parents" when it first came out, and it saved my life by giving me knowledge about my parents and the problems I was having relating to them. A year of therapy a couple of years later and lots of reading on the web about NPD has helped me. The only two things from preventing me from strangling my mother when I was told there was no money left was the fact that I don't look good in prison stripes or orange. Leaving her a dog track would be too good for her, and I hope she lives to be 100 so my sister can hold her hand while changing her diapers. My sister's being paid for her servitude so I have no guilt whatsoever. Not one tiny little bit. Education and enlightment and a sense of humor helped me, and being 1000 miles away too. Plus a few cats, horses, and lots of loved ones around you to let you know you're ok, and you're normal. Off to get some Ben & Jerry's.... :)
Nice to Meet You Nancy,
First, thanks for reading this blog and for taking the time to "share." It helps to get a person's backstory.
Well, you may not want to write a book about your experiences with your n-family, but maybe you'll find by writing some of it down - even as comments on blogs - will help you release some of your anger. I know that I had SO much anger that I was brimming with it and chronicling some of my experiences has not only helped me better understand myself, in a way, it was like respecting myself and my experiences. If that makes any sense.
Quick quote from Shakespeare (I believe): Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak knits up the o'erwrought heart and bids it break."
I've finally gotten to a point where I am dealing well with certain aspects of my n-upbringing only to have have others surface. ::sigh::
I had two years of weekly therapy and I just can't afford any more. reading about others' experiences helps me quite a bit. thank you.
Hi Nina, I recently found this blog, a few days ago, and I have been slowly reading through the entries. It is very informative.
I believe that I have had the misfortune of knowing several narcissists, and I believe that my dad has narcissistic personality disorder. My mother has her own issues, as most people do, but when I think about my mother, I see her as an ulimately caring person who doesn't always feel comfortable expressing her feelings. She also had some issues with anger management and depression while I was growing up and it made it difficult to deal with her when she would get into her moods. But as I stated before, she is a very caring, empathetic, and understanding person. I'm thankful that I have gotten to a point of understanding my mother and to see the good about her.
My experience with my father is actually the opposite of my experience with my mother. Throughout my childhood,specifically my early childhood up into my preteen years, I idealized my father and thought he could do no wrong. He was charming,intelligent, funny,very socially adept, highly extroverted, and a natural leader. He was also very image conscious and obsessed with his looks. My father and I got along very well, and he was the parent I felt comfortable with and relied on for emotional support.
My relationship with my father began to change when I was about nine years old. It was around this time that my father was introduced to gambling, and became a gambling addict. This was back in 1993, and he is still currently an addict in 2010, wasting his life away gambling. I have come to terms with the fact that my father is an addict, and I definitely no longer put him up on a pedastal. The fact that he is an addict actually made me take stock of and analyze his behaviors starting from the point when I was a young child, before he started gambling. In doing so, I realized that my father has always been selfish and self-absorbed. He definitely sees other people as extensions of himself, and he is abusive.
My father can't stand for people to disagree with him, and he is capable of becoming extremely angry, domineering, and physical abusive. I saw these behaviors in full effect when I was a child, when he would get angry with my mother and start hitting her. He'd also get angry with sales people in stores, and not hesitate to curse them out. My father also sees people as extensions of himself and believes that everyone should like and agree with his preferences. If he likes a certain type of music or musical artist or if he likes someone, he expects everyone else to feel the same way he does. it's as if you are not allowed your own feelings when in his presence, because he will start lecturing you if he sees that you don't agree with him. He loves to lecture other grown adults and acts like he is someone's parent.
A few years ago, when I was 23, my half-sister and I took a one day trip to New Jersey to see him at the casino. Up until that point, I really hadn't seen him in a few years, with the exception of one time when I was in college and he took a bus in from Jersey, and we met up in NYC. During the trip with my half-sister, she and I both saw how out of control he was. I think that it was at that point that I started to loathe him. I really couldn't stand to look at him, and I couldn't wait to get away. My half-sister tried to pacify him by being the smiley, happy one, but I really couldn't hide my feeling of just not wanting to there or around him.
After that trip, I told my mother about the experience and I also told her that I could now appreciate all that she had probably been through with him. I felt sorry for the fact that my mother had to deal with him and his behavior, during the years that they were married.
I know this is an old entry, but I found your blog about a week ago. I've been trying to learn all I can about narcissistic parents. It's validating to know I'm not alone in this.
I just couldn’t leave your website before telling you that we really enjoyed the quality information you offer to your visitors… Will be back often to check up on new posts.
Just found your blog. I've been slowly awakening to the fact that my father is a narcissist. I guess I started to figure this out over the last 2-3 years maybe (2012-2015ish).
I've gone through a few ACON blogs and they are almost all about narcissist mothers and almost never from the POV of sons of narcissist fathers (aka my situation). It's nice to see something similar. Your father reminds me of mine. My father's narcissism is centered around his intellect and super-competence. He's educated and very smart if emotionally 10-13 y/o. My father doesn't have a conversation, he lectures. These days he mostly complains, but growing up it was more lectures. It seems less frenetic than yours but in a similar vein.
My parents are still cogent so I haven't had to deal with any of the dementia-ish stuff yet. I haven't read future posts so I'm curious about your experience.
Nik
Post a Comment