One of the things that confused me, at first, about who is a narcissist and who is not actually had to do with socioeconomic class.
I believed that a narcissist had to be smart or at least have money. That it was a problem associated with the educated and well-to-do. People who ran companies or sold millions of albums or acted or who were like those deranged, misguided, brilliant twins in the movie, Dead Ringers. But the criteria that seemed necessary was intelligence. I don't know where I got this idea.
My adoptive family is second generation Mexican-American. My adoptive parents didn't finish high school. They may have got through the 10th or 11th grade. They didn't read books. Ever. They were suspicious of higher education and mocked my plans for college. They lacked intellectual curiosity. Their conversation was very limited. Looking back on it, it almost seems like they weren't capable of abstract thought. It's hard to explain. But they didn't talk about ideas or make connections between past and present. They didn't say, "Oh, I read this today and it reminded me of..."
My adoptive Dad acted like he got stuck at the age of 14/15. My adoptive Mom around, maybe, 18.
They were ignorant. And poorish. And yes, self-centered. They both had in common childhood trauma.
My adoptive Dad was very childlike in his need for constant attention. He was, and is, totally oblivious of the effect he has on others. He does not see others recoil. He seems to lack self-awareness. When he's rude and offensive, as he often is, he blames others for being too sensitive.
My husband, a white guy, used to think my Dad's behavior was cultural. That the fact that he did all the talking and I did the listening was rooted in our Mexican culture. Then I explained that my friend's parents didn't act like that. They listened to their kids. Made them the center of attention.
Then I started reading about narcissistic parents. And read what other adult children of narcissists had to say. And it just sort of jumped out at me that many of these parents were just average people. That not all narcissists act grandiose or think they are the most beautiful or talented person in the room. It's about the attention they need and the fact that they were unable to meet the emotional needs of their children. That somehow, everything got screwed up and the roles got reversed.
While parents can be poor and undereducated, they can also be emotionally available and supportive. My adoptive aunt, for example. She never graduated high school and my uncle was a blue collar worker, too. But she was warm and wise and listened and was so acknowledging. She was a very empathetic woman.
Empathy. The lack of it is devastating to a child. Of any socioeconomic class. Narcissistic parents may say they care, and they probably do in their own way, but all the child (or adult child) can feel is the parent's inavailability. The inability to SEE them, HEAR them. The child wanders around like a ghost. Invisible. I read an article Elise linked to about voicelessness. I'd never thought of it that way. But that's exactly what happens. The narcissistic parent is so big, so demanding, so all consuming and, in my dad's case, so talkative...that the child is not able to express herself as she is. Only a part of her is accepted. The part that the parent needs. That's where the training comes in. The child is trained to listen or to give comfort or admiration.
Naricissistic parents may differ. A lot. But it's not just an affliction of the upper classes.
13 comments:
So interesting, Nina...
My mother came into a huge amount of money in her 60s, and I do believe it has enabled her narcissism to a huge degree.
But all of the seeds for it were sown in her early, lower-middle-class, blue collar life. Further, the condition manifested itself gradually throughout her adult life, far before she had money.
Yeah, it's devastating the lack of empathy as a child - I'm sorry you had it too Nina, but you're great - I think it makes us stronger in the end. But its a s--t way to get there. Glad there's people like you to make us less alone. Annie
Elise, I can just imagine what a windfall might do for a narcissist! Money talks. At least there is enough money to get her through her not-so-golden years without you or your brother(s)(?) having to put your life on hold to physically caretake the mother who wasn't there for you. There's a narcissistic elderly woman who was finally placed into adad's assisted living facility after living w/her daughter...who'd endured her mother's cruelties and control for her entire life. The daughter was a total wreck, close to a nervous breakdown. Then her n-mother piled on the guilt.
When you wrote, "the condition manifested itself gradually throughout her entire adult life,"...I'm wondering if it's a combination of that actually happening and that as WE age, we become more aware of their behaviors. I was oblivious - thought that was the way all parents behaved - until early mid-life.
ANNIE: Boy, we are not alone! I'm betting we adult children of the self-centered could form an army! I'm much stronger now that I've identified narcissistic parents as a culprit...but it takes so much work to retrain oneself. My thirties were wasted on psychosomatic illnesses and repressing my hatred of my aparents. I'm sorry you had to go through the loneliness, too.
It's amazing to read your blog. Thank-you so much. It has made me realise that much of what i am experiencing is also shared by other daughters. My narcissistic mother who also seems to have a personality disorder. All this is guessed as she has never been diagnosed. I agree with Elise (and many others) that my mother inherited a large sum of money 6 years ago when my father died. This fuelled her behaviour massively and she had a manic phase where she spent in a lavish and ridiculous way. She finally crashed a few weeks ago when she realise she only had a few thousand pounds left, which is incredible to me. She now seems unable to function, do anything for herself and is behaving as if she has had a breakdown. Everytime I speak to her she loads me up with these unrealistically paranoid worries and the fact that she cannot eat, sleep etc etc. I fear the future. I am a single parent of a daughter who is 11 and I simply cannot deal with her.
It is SO true that N-parents really lack any desire to learn anything new. My parents emphasized the importance of college only for appearances sake (and of course to 'find me a suitable husband'). I noticed that my parents don't read books, see interesting movies, think critically or anything. Everything they do is incredibly superficial. They're scornful and suspicious of everything. My mother can't formulate her own opinions, rather sounds much like a parrot; mimicking the emotional and intellectual inflection of someone else's speech. It is amazing that the only time she seems to feel passionate about anything is when I've hurt her N-ego!
-Susie
As I was growing up, if I ever dared to express some idea or opinion, I remember my father saying to me "If you're so smart, why ain't you rich?"
Not sure if that was a "saying" at that time or if he just coined it himself. Sadly, I grew up ALWAYS equating wealthy people with brilliant intelligence and of course, equating people who had very little as being "less than". Although my husband and I worked as hard as possible and educated our kids, I'd describe us as the "working poor"...just barely maintaining our family as they grew up. I always had that lingering label hanging over me...I must be stupid if I couldn't become well-off. No, sometimes it's just the economy or the luck of the draw! It took me years to realize this.
CRAFTCHERRY,
Sorry for the delay in responding...took a long, unintended break.
As I read your description of what went on with your mom, was really struck that a woman of her age wasn't able to defer gratification...sure, spend some but save more...and that it didn't sound like she was taking any responsibility...but now burdening you with her self-created crisis.
I always found it especially frustrating that my dad...who was a very frugal man who did save his money...was just terrible at some other things that required strategic planning...then turned to me expecting sympathy, help and rescue.
So I hear you.
As a single mom, your responsibility is your own child...your mom acted like a child and should suffer the natural consequences without you bailing her out. (That's what they say about dealing with rebellious teens...like allowing them to fail and pay the natural consequences)
Stay firm!
SUSIE,
Mmmm...no input means no output...not much to synthesize/process in the brain...nothing to interpret...
The fact that our parents had little intellectual curiosity or interests make them all the more harder to talk with. Plus, they have more time to focus on slights and injuries!
2/16 ANONYMOUS,
You captured something that's very hard to explain about dealing with a narcissistic parent. How they react with disproportionate aggressiveness when you finally get up the nerve to express an independent opinion...how mean spirited they can be...the fact that they need to belittle their own child.
After I related that "If you're so smart...." comment I remembered something else.
I remember waking up probably a half hour or so in the a.m. before I had to, on a school day.
I would hear my parents occasionally discussing me. Not wanting to actually read my history or geo. assignment at about age 13, I kept asking my parents to help me by just scanning the book and giving me the answers. They never questioned if I had read the material or not...just assumed that I couldn't come up with the answers. I remember overhearing them discuss how I "just didn't have it." (in the intelligence dept.) I can't tell you how hurtful that was. I would drag myself up and off to school and didn't perk up for 3 days after a comment like that. If your parents don't think you're worthy...who does?
Today, I am a Christian, and struggle with "honoring" my Nmother and keeping enough distance to ensure my own happiness and balance. She's 90 and still says rude ungrateful things which horrify me. I work with handicapped people. She could never be able to "put up with those people". and it goes on...Wouldn't most people want to be in good stead with our creator if they were getting closer because of age? I'll never accept or understand.
Hi Nina,
I totally relate.
I am a 39 yo daughter of 1st generation mexican narcissistic parents. I also have two brothers but they at least were given the special treatment from my father when we were younger.(not anymore)
We were poor growing up and became middle class due to my father's construction business. I was like the black sheep or dog that everyone just kicked around. Because of this I have self esteem issues that i constantly battle. My mother is a self absorbed and weight obsessed bitch. I was normal weight(125-135) until they started picking on me and somehow i developed bulimia because of it. My father dangled my inheritance and college education that i craved over my head to keep me in line. As soon as i was ready to go he broke his promise to send me away to a university. Then after my mother caught him cheating she divorced him. Well he disowned me like I was the one who did the cheating. It was so easy to throw me away. My mother went the other route dating young men because for a woman her age she was hot. She had lippo, tummy tuck, breast implants and she turns all kinds of heads everywhere she goes. But nobody sees that she is a selfish monster. she is always critisizing other women's bodies and beaty. She failed me as a mother. I was never pretty enough, skinny enough, or skin was not light enough for her love. I was something that she just did not care for. She never defended me against my father's belittling and macho bullshit. She never told me she loved me growing up. It was always about her. Now i realize that i am tired of her. She expects me to send her money to pay her bills.(like a good mexican daughter is supposed to) Yea right! While she was out partying and acting like a selfish slutt. I managed to get a university education and married a man who loves me no matter what my weight is. I don't know how i will heal myself of all the pain but I am here to say it is real and it happened to me. I used to think that I would allow her to live with me when she gets older but now I am reconsidering it. I think I will just put here in a home. I deserve to take care of me now not her. The truth is i know she would rather go live with her sister or friends than me. lol
This is not because I am a bitch it is because she can still deceive and manipulate those people. She can be quite charming when it is convinient. But I am tired of her.
Yikes 4/10 anonymous,
Your situation is so, well, particular...where narcissism and culture collide to create the "perfect storm" of misery for daughters...
I have come to absolutely HATE the whole macho man thing...it's nothing but ignorance spiked with spiteful behavior. Blech.
You said your mother expects you to send money to her? I'm unclear whether you are actually doing so...considering that she's had so much cosmetic surgery instead of SAVING her money for more important things...like room and board...I'd say no. She made her choices...it's now time to take care of number one.
This is a huge cultural taboo...but I wouldn't feel obliged to personally care for your mother as she ages in your own home...unless she undergoes a radical transformation...I'd help her find a place where others could care for her...some relationships are too toxic to allow for that person to enter your private abode and disrupt the peace that you've finally found!
My nfather is just as opinionated, rude, oblivious, insensitive as yours it sounds like.
My mother is co-dependent to a large extent and doesn't see how things really are, so the house had a very different dynamic than yours. She did add some much needed warmth in the house but also she had very poor personal borders and so she didn't recognize when she or us kids were being trampled.
Both of their parents (my grandparents) were massively dysfunctional. My mother had a very malignant narcissist father and a doormat mother. My father my have had two narcissists or maybe a narcissist and a borderline, it's hard to tell, he want speak honestly about it. He has to rewrite everything so that he looks good and I think admitting his parents sucked would somehow besmirch him too.
Nik
Let the Government take care of her. Nobody can force an offspring to care for his or her abusive parent. My mom is a narcissist, a physically and emotionally abusive nut job. She's in a home and I have nothing to do with her anymore.
Sounds like my situation. Im a codependent trying to get out.
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