Narcissism and Dementia #1

When you have a narcissistic parent, it's even harder to figure out if they are developing dementia.

Are they just being self-centered? Again? Or is their latest behavior something more ominous?

My self-centered adoptive mother was always moody. Occasionally, she'd take against people and never talk to them again. Then my cousin called to complain, bitterly, that my mother was acting strange and had stopped speaking to her, for no reason she could understand. A part of me wanted to say, "Welcome to the club," because my mother had used cold, punishing silences on me all my life. But I didn't. Back then, I was still protecting my mom's image as a devoted, loving adoptive mother. A year later, after many other signs and symptoms, my mother would be diagnosed with Alzheimers.

Then there was my adoptive father. Of the two, he was the more peculiar. Childlike in his constant need for attention. A loner. A hard worker, who never hung around with the other blue collar guys because, I suspected, they couldn't stand his endless chatter and his negativity. My father could never just hang.

With him, everything was a drama. Trips to the dentist, a shot at the doctor's office, an exam at the Department of Motor Vehicles, Open House at school. These weren't just ordinary things. They were things that happened only to him. Routine procedures hurt more. The lines at the DMV were longer. Open House was held at night and he had to go to work the next day. You get the point.

Then here comes the confusing part. My childlike narcissist father, overall, was a highly responsible person is some areas, pathetic in others. For example, he lived frugally and saved money. He paid his bills before they were due. He bought life insurance and prepaid his funeral expenses, even picking his own casket and music. He gave me Power of Attorney when the time came. Arguably, these were all things done for himself.

But then there are all those messes I had to clean up because he constantly did (or failed to do) things that impacted others. This list would be very long, so I'll just give one example.

He brought my mother to visit a week after I had my second daughter. My mother had Alzheimers by then, but I didn't know that (we lived states apart). My mother was behaving oddly. Remote. Detached. She was useless. Dad insisted nothing was wrong. With two children under two, I had to cook and clean and tend the kids while taking care of both parents. Then Dad went off with my husband for the day (I asked my husband to get Dad out of my hair, his chatter was driving me nuts) and I was left alone with my mother and the babies. My mother went crazy. So I chased her down the street and called 911. Later, Dad admitted mom had Alzheimers, but said he didn't want to tell me or cancel the visit because he'd been looking forward to a break. It never occurred to him that I had just had a baby and was exhausted myself. That I could have used a break and help after a scary pregnancy fraught with complications.

That was typical, narcissistic behavior. My friends were shocked. They couldn't believe a parent would act this way. When they had their babies and their parents visited, they were treated like queens. At the time, I didn't even know enough to be angry or resentful. That was just the way it was. I do remember being unhappy, stressed and highly agitated, although I couldn't have said why.

But then there may come a time when your narcissistic parent begins to act in a way that is causing even more problems....

(to be continued)