Narcissistic Parent & Failing Health

One of the challenges of having an aging narcissitic parent is trying to figure out if they are just becoming more self-centered or showing signs of dementia.

Only time will tell. But that time will be hell.

It all began about four years ago.

My childlike narcissistic father, then 77, was suffering from bladder incontinence. The doctor tried various pills, but none worked. Ndad found out about the surgery called a, "rotorooter," and demanded it, against doctor's advice. I flew down for the consultation. The doctor explained that it probably wouldn't work and that at ndad's age and condition, the risk of complications were too great.

Ndad would not listen. He wanted that surgery and was threatening to schedule it. Since we live 400 miles apart and ndad is completely alone, I offered to arrange the surgery near me, so that he could stay with me afterward as he'd be too weak to stay by himself. (Having two kids, a husband, a house, a big dog and part-time work to also take care of.) This he refused. It wasn't convenient for him. He wanted to stay in the comfort of his own home. I then offered to arrange for homecare. This he also refused. I BEGGED him not to have the surgery. I WARNED him repeatedly that it was too dangerous. Finally, he dropped the subject.

After years of saving for a nice vacation, our little family finally was about to have one. A beach vacation that we were looking forward to, especially my husband who works like a dog. I gave ndad the exact dates of our vacation months in advance. Of course, he secretly scheduled his elective surgery for two days before we were set to leave.

While packing, I get a phone call from paramedics. Ndad had a complication and was being rushed to the hospital. I flew down. He was released the next day, but would not be allowed to stay alone. Much scrambling to find a good convalescent hospital. Once there, he told everybody he met that he'd be all alone because his only child was jetting off when he was so sick. I could have killed him. (This from the man who left me in the hospital by myself when I was ten).

My vacation had been ruined. I was practically sick with guilt and the stress of making last minute arrangements. When we got back, ndad had left dozens of frantic messages on our home phone, crying, saying he couldn't stand the convalascent hospital and demanding to be taken out immediately. I got off one plane and hopped on another. The nurse there told me he'd threatened to kill himself and had to be put on meds. Some people took me aside and scolded me for heartlessly leaving him alone to suffer.

Of course, ndad blamed me for everything. For the complication of his surgery. For forcing him into the convalscent hospital. For not taking care of him myself. For being selfish and screwing everything up. For selecting the surgeon who'd botched his surgery. He took no responsibility for anything.

Now this wasn't unusual. It was consistent with past behavior. When I went away to college, I got the blame for sending him to the emergency room because I'd made him upset and nervous. But it was different. It was....worse. It was the beginning of Lewy Body Dementia, a disease of the frontal lobes that impacts judgment. An almost ironic affliction. A man with little judgment can ill afford to lose the tiny bit he has.

Oh, and the surgery? It didn't work at all.

After a lifetime of dealing with ndad's strange and difficult behavior, things were about to get even worse.