Billie shared in a comment her experience as a child getting a bone lodged in her tonsil...and subsequent "adventure" involving the highway, high rates of speed and quite a show of fatherly "concern." It's a doozie. (Poor Billie!) I've copied it below for ease of reading.
Based on my experience and those shared by readers here, the narcissistic parent will co-opt any misfortune suffered by their child and somehow make it all about them. Still, one would like to believe that their parent would rally and provide the necessary care and comfort if said child were sick or injured. Unfortunately, this is not the case. At least, not in my case and certainly not in the case of readers who've shared shocking stories about parents' disturbing reactions to serious illnesses such as cancer or the death of a spouse.
Knowing your parent is incapable of caring for you when you need them most is not just disappointing, it's....unsettling. You know...just know...you are on your own.
In addition to the stress of coping with the problem or illness that has befallen you, you now carry the burden of trying to manage your parent as he carries on about how terribly worried he is and generally making things much, much worse.
The result, at least in my case, was to hide any bit of information that might be co-opted for dramatic purposes. My parents were the last people I'd tell if I needed help. (Rather late in life, in a weak moment, I told n-dad I was scared about the results of a medical test. I've already written about that. Not only was he unsupportive, he was angry. If I died, who was going to take care of him?)
The end result is...the development of a bad case of the superwoman complex. I hate asking for help. I'd rather do everything myself, thank you very much. No, no, I don't want a ride back from the dentist after a root canal...I'll call a cab. I hurt my foot on a walk with the cell phone in my pocket. Did I call my husband who was sitting at home...he would have been glad to pick me up. No, no...I hobbled home. I'm clobbered by the flu? I'll drag myself to work or make dinner for my kids and take the dog for a walk...no big deal. This is different from the martyr complex, because I don't go around sighing and pointing out how no one ever helps me. It just doesn't occur to me to ask for help...this habit of hiding misfortune is so ingrained.
Just this week, I figured out I have another problem: I feel very uncomfortable when people are nice to me. It's embarrassing. For example, a good friend offered me free flight passes. While I was very grateful, I refused them. I felt like I'd be taking advantage of her...or that I wasn't worthy of the gift. She insisted she had more (she worked for an airline) and that she'd given her passes to neighbors...who'd traveled lots of places on them...and to others she knew less well than me. Still, I kept refusing, until she insisted...and now I feel guilty that I'm planning a vacation on her passes. What's up with that???
Anybody else "do" this???
Here's Billie's story:
...when I was maybe 6 or 7, I got a fishbone stuck in one of my tonsils. It was uncomfortable, yes, but not an emergency. My father loaded all of us into the pickup and drove, like, 90 miles an hour with his face to his CB radio hand-held, screaming that his little girl was "choking on a fishbone." Really???? He didn't say jack to me when I was miserably sitting in the back, hoping no one was mad at me for causing all the uproar. He just wanted the truckers on I-80 to respond to him so he could feel important. We didn't even have to take the Interstate...it would have been closer to get to the doctor on the highway. This added some excitement and attention to Ndad's life...he couldn't quit talking about how worried he was about me and telling people days later about this. He must've sounded like such an ass to normal adults. "My baby was choking to death on a fish bone, and so I had to drive like a maniac to the emergency room so the doctor could remove it. I was SOOO WORRIED. I was almost sick over it. I don't know what I would have done if she had died."
37 comments:
"Just this week, I figured out I have another problem: I feel very uncomfortable when people are nice to me."
Ummm...sometimes we 'suspect' kindness is a ruse. A way to manipulate other people and the minute they've let down their guards, Whammo! They are gonna get hurt.
That is so sad to me but it's the legacy of a narcissistic relationship. We start walking on eggshells whenever things are 'calm and normal'. Whenever someone is 'nice'.
Another thing I wanted to add comes from my adult daughter. She figured out that what she needed to do was "increase her havingness." That's how she puts it.
As her mother, it seemed to me that she was increasing her sense of entitlement. Finally realizing that she deserved to be treated with respect and dignity.
That her needs were not excessive and if she asked for help, people would give it because they loved and valued her as a person.
While we write all the time about narcissist's excessive entitlement, she suffered from the reverse: a lack of entitlement.
This again, is another sad legacy of the narcissistic parent who demanded their needs be met and the child's needs left unattended.
She and I journey together down the recovery road...it's enormously comforting and validating.
(She has given me permission to share her experience).
Hugs,
CZBZ
Hi CZBZ,
Just added you to my links.
Well heck, you know...that hadn't occurred to me. At all. I don't think of myself as a person whose built up walls to protect myself...yet, I do believe that's exactly what I've done. I'd be wise to follow Reagan's advice to Gorby and start tearin' down some walls.
My little list of legacy issues...all the stuff that needs fixin and relearnin...just seems to keep growing.
I love the way your daughter phrased it...increase her havingness. I'll have to share that with my daughters. It's lovely you have someone so insightful to share your journey!
Nice to meet you!
For years I felt like I didn't deserve to own much of anything. Even after graduating from college, I remember sitting in my old used car in traffic and thinking that I'd never be worthy of a nice car like other drivers had. In fact, I felt physically ill at the thought of owning a nice car. I knew at the time this thinking wasn't rational, but it was ingrained in me. I now think I felt like this because I was not allowed to really own much of anything growing up. The golden child was given pretty much whatever she wanted, included anything I had that she decided she wanted. If I asked for school clothes, my mother would say they were too expensive, yet the golden child never did without anything. I went through sixth grade with exactly one pair of blue jeans that were missing the fastener, so I used a safety pin to fasten them every day. By the time I got to junior high, I realized that it didn't make sense that only the golden child should have school clothes and demanded to have some for myself. It wasn't an issue of hand-me-downs as the golden child was younger than I. I also have a memory of my mother going into a rage one time and yelling at me about why I didn't smile more out in public-- it's only now that I realize someone must have been concerned for me and said something to her. Instead of examining whether my needs were being met, she flew into a rage because my unhappiness had embarrassed her. As a teenager, I gradually became more assertive and tried to set boundaries around myself, which of course freaked my N-parents out.
I'm uneasy when people are nice to me too. I think it has something to do with feeling unworthy. Also a tad suspicious, since very often with N-parents "being nice" is how they set you up to knock you back down.
Anonymous,
When I hear stories like yours...having to deal with a narcissistic parent AND a favored sibling, I thank God I was raised an only child.
Wow...the issue of feeling unworthy of stuff is worth a whole separate post...because that's a big one. Me too. Big time!
Mmmm...funny, I had my own version of the jeans trauma...just one pair (it had a button, thank goodness...didn't have to resort to safety pin)...not allowed the Levi's version b/c they were too expensive...forced to wear humiliating JC Penny brand because the others were "too fancy"...yet, my mother would go shopping for herself at Orbachs and load up on all kinds of goodies. But those were on sale, she'd say.
Oh my gosh...smile for the neighbors, dear...you're making mommy look bad. I wonder if anybody ever said anything to your mother and that's why she had that reaction. It's nice to think of someone saying something in defense of a child.
On the topic of narcissists using the misfortune of others for their own agenda, after the death of my husband, my mother told her doctor the stress was making her ill. Not sure how it made her ill, my parents didn't even come to my home for three months following his death. When I visited them two months after he died I was told not to mention him because it upset my mother!
So when my daughter was assaulted by a family "friend" she and I struggled through the ordeal without even bothering to seek the support of my N-parents. When I told them months later they just shrugged it off....probably it was too late by then to get any mileage out of it!
I understand now that one of the reasons I developed a problem with alcohol is because I had no support system to help me weather the loss of my husband and assault of my daughter. In normal families the first people who would offer love and support would be our parents. Not so the n-parent, they co-opt your misery for their own agenda.
Yes, I am supremely guilty of the superwoman complex. You can offer me a ride in the pouring rain and I will still turn it down and ride the bus--it is kindness that I am not expecting. I continually question why anyone would want to be kind to little, old me. I think it also has to do with ceding control. As a child of a narcissist, we have been conditioned to always be in control of the situation because if nParents are in control things turn sour very quickly. Learning to accept kindness requires that we trust someone to be altruistic and really have our needs as a priority which is something many of us cannot fathom. So learning to accept help I think is not only about gaining a greater sense of entitlement but also developing trust in the benevolence of others.
In terms of never asking parents for help, I am currently struggling with major decisions over where to go to grad school--stay where I am and where I have some people that I deeply trust OR go somewhere else which would be a better career experience but with new people. I haven't even bothered to mention the decision to my parents, much less the reasons I am so torn, because I know that I will get no real compassion and support about it.
I know how tiring it is always feeling like you have to be strong yourself. However, I encourage everyone to try and find someone they feel safe with because I think it will change your life. A year after I really started needing it, I began therapy and it has been the best thing ever.
"I feel very uncomfortable when people are nice to me. It's embarrassing."
I also start to doubt why they are being nice. What do they want from me? Will I be able to fulfil their expectations? What if I can't? What if they hate me for taking advantage of their niceness? What if it's just one massive joke? I can't bring myself to believe they're being nice and genuine, no matter how hard I try.
This is pretty much the reason I messed everything up with my boyfriend this week. I became absolutely convinced he doesn't really like me. He spent ages trying to make me see otherwise, but I'd flipped out by then.
I've been saying sorry since I realised what an idiot I was being. I was becoming completely paranoid that, because he didn't want to be affectionate in public, that when he WAS being affectionate, it wasn't real.
But I DO recognise he cares for me. I just can't believe it... if that makes sense.
I'm dreading talking to him when I see him later today. After the way I behaved with him all of this week, I wouldn't be suprised if he decides it's over. *sigh* THANKS parents for convincing me that no-one'd ever like me. They've pretty much made me as self-centered as themselves.
Music Girl,
"After the way I behaved with him all of this week, I wouldn't be suprised if he decides it's over. *sigh* THANKS parents for convincing me that no-one'd ever like me. They've pretty much made me as self-centered as themselves."
Oh no! I can totally understand why you'd interpret the no-affection-shown-in-public that way. Some boys do really have a problem with that. My eldest daughter's last boyfriend didn't even want any adults to know they were dating and he was almost 18! He did not have a good relationship w/his mother...so was generally uncomfortable w/adults. I finally told him...I knew...I liked him and approved...get over it young man. He relaxed a bit...spent lots of time at our house...but would stiffen up when my daughter would be affectionate in front of others. Because my daughter has lots of self esteem she didn't have a problem with this...she thought it was funny...and knew it wasn't about HER...but that he had some issues to work through.
I on the other hand...as a young person....had NO self esteem and my parents CONSTANTLY told me that friends and boyfriends were just using me...either for rides or for sex. So when I had my first boyfriend...I was a pathetic, needy mess. I was always trying to second-guess how he was feeling....yuck! So I sympathize.
If your boyfriend is fairly normal...and your parents are narcissistic...I contend that the boyfriend becomes much, much more important in our lives...we crave normalcy and, of course, intimacy....and the threat of a break-up is not only sad...it's scary...because once again we'll be cosmically alone with our n-parents. Of course, we may have our girlfriends...not to diminish the role in our lives...but, well, you know.
Generally speaking, learning to trust is something I'm still working on. However, I will say I've always trusted my husband...even when we were dating. By the time we started going out, I learned how to quit sabotaging relationships.
I wish you all the luck with the boyfriend situation...this stuff is very hard.
"I feel very uncomfortable when people are nice to me. It's embarrassing." This is certainly a theme with many of us. I too am uncomfortable because I can't even make a guess why anyone would be nice to icky me. I am always surprised and elated when someone wants to spend time with me. I also went through high school with one pair of jeans, one pair of cords and three blouses. I'm so thankful there wasn't the peer pressure of dressing a certain way back then. Now I feel the most comfortable buying my clothes at garage sales or the Goodwill and look for things that are second best or can be fixed up. It is amazing how the statements of "You're not good enough for anything nice" just embeds itself in our mind.
I hope we can all begin to realize that we are important and deserve nice things as much as any one else. This affirmation needs to come from us and not from anyone else.
My parents are the last people on earth I would ask for help. I feel I receive the best support from someone I pay to listen to me.
Thank you, Nina for this great blog!
This is SO true. My N-parents never took me to the hospital when I needed to, but utilized the opportunity to brag to other people their supposed support and empathy.
For example, I contracted E.coli when I was traveling with my family abroad. In the states, I became extremely ill and needed to go to the hospital desperately. I called my mom (I was living in my own place, but had no car) at 1am after vomiting for several hours. I asked her if she would take me to the emergency room. With a sleepy moan, "Can't it wait until the morning? I was sleeping!"
I called my boyfriend (and now husband) to take me and I finally got treated. I was later admitted to the hospital to be treated for the infection and be rehydrated.
Similar thing happened to me when I shared that I had a strange lump over my collarbone. My mother assured me that since she had cancer, what's over my collarbone simply CAN'T be cancer! (because apparently, she knows everything). Well, turns out I had a rare lymphatic cancer. She loves to boast to all of her friends what a "good mother" she is, frequently using me to get out of obligations, saying things like, "Ohhh, I'm sorry. Susan just isn't feeling good today and I think I should stay with her"; the next moment she's calling Dad and asking to meet her at The Ram, where they go out for a bottle of wine and steak 3 times a week! Or she'll say things to her friends about me, "She's just SUCH a trooper", yet I never hear this said to me directly.
I personally think it is an act to cover up the fact that they don't have any empathy or to draw N-supply in the form of sympathy and admiration from others.
-Susie
Susie, I can relate to what you wrote. My mother would convince herself that I had illnesses that she'd imagined, but she dismissed my real illnesses. When I developed allergies so bad that my eyes swelled to almost completely closed on a regular basis, she didn't bother to take me to a doctor until after it happened while I was in school and my teacher was very worried about me. Before that, she diagnosed and dismissed my illness by saying that I must eat too much salt. The doctor diagnosed allergies and prescribed benedryl, which of course made my symptoms disappear. One of her favorite illnesses she imagined I had was diabetes. Starting when I was about fourteen, she kept saying that I probably had diabetes. This went on for a long time with her never taking me to the doctor. Finally I got tired of her saying it and pretty much insisted on being tested-- the results of which showed that I was perfectly healthy. She never expressed relief that I was healthy. I guess she was disappointed. The irony is that she developed diabetes herself a few years ago, and I'm still perfectly healthy in that regard now that I'm in my forties.
SORRY FOR DELAY IN REPLYING TO COMMENTS! THE CLUTTER IN MY HOUSE WAS HURTING MY BRAIN.
MULDERFAN...I am soooo sorry to hear about your daughter. That's one of those situations where more heads together...and collective wisdom...and even nonverbal support can make such a critical difference.
It's not just about not being able to count on our parents for support...it's knowing they'll take whatever information and run with it...to the DETRIMENT of those involved. So the hiding isn't just an ommission...it's hoping to God they don't find out.
I wonder how many of us have turned to substances to deal? I imagine quite a few.
ROSA,
That's a tough decision...I hope there's some friends you can thrash this out with.
It's a totally new economy out there. I graduated a long time ago and it would be interesting to hear what people-in-the-know had to say about the importance of certain grad schools and the opportunities/connections it provided. An old school idea on the subject was that it was more important to finish...and one's job/social skills...and tenacity and resilience.
Are you really miserable when forced to meet people anew? Would an adjustment period impact your academic performance?
HOLDFAST,
"I hope we can all begin to realize that we are important and deserve nice things as much as any one else. This affirmation needs to come from us and not from anyone else."
This was my thought for the weekend! Beautiful sentiment!
I indulged....in fun...and didn't feel guilty (although this did require a little work)!
SUSIE...
If I were writing a book about the subject of n-parents(which I'm not)...I'd title a chapter called, "Steal this...my cancer."
I mean...cancer is the Big Scary Thing that most everybody fears...but in your case, your mother actually HAD cancer and so, as a survivor, one would reasonably think she'd be the go-to-wisdom-person.
I wonder if not being able to rely on our parents...that some of us are really selective about our mates? Because we know they're gonna be our everything. Dunno.
Hi Nina, I'm so glad you started blogging again! Your dad manifests his narcisism in a different way than my mother did, but the root of the problem and its effect on our lives is very similar. I also hate asking for help! This actually is sometimes a problem when I was dating, and even with my husband, who I think would like to do things for me but I often don't ask, or even allow him to help me. My mother was very scornful of us if we couldn't handle something, so I guess I think that if someone helps me they are also thinking less of me. Even worse when I was sick or hurt -- my mother considered illness something we did purposely to make her life more difficult. One time I fell and hit my head while ice skating. I had a bit of a headache from it. When I told my mother she said a blow to the back of the head was very dangerous, I should have been more careful, and I should go to bed and just hope that I didn't die. Seriously. I went to bed and just prayed that I would live through the night.
Funny how even at 52 years of age I can still be discovering the insidious influence of being raised by someone who was incapable of empathy.
To Nina,
Not so much that I am miserable when I meet people new, but the ability to really feel comfortable with familiar people has made a big difference. I am in an artistic performance field and being fully expressive is my big challenge. It has begun to come more easily, in part because I currently have a very safe space to practice it in. While I am certainly getting better at putting myself out there, I fear that throwing myself into a new situation before I feel ready will cause me to pull back into my protective shell.
WOW! Thank you for this blog. I'm only beginning to see how having a narcissistic father has impacted my life and it's quite painful to face.
It makes me angry that I am having to struggle to overcome the results of a situation that I didn't create. I also get uncomfortable when people are nice to me. I've had to learn that it was necessary for me to ask for what I needed. I keep choosing men like my father, incapable of loving me. And worst of all I'm afraid that I've hurt others with my own narcissistic behavior without even realizing it. I thank you for being brave enough to share this so someone like me can know I'm not alone and one day be free from the hurt caused by such a parent.
HI CELERA!
I'm glad to be back at blogging again, too...and was very happy to see your comment!
When you wrote it's funny to be exploring our legacy issues at our age...I can soooo relate...I often think exactly the same thing. I have to remind myself it's a process that begins at a different age for all of us. Some start the journey decades earlier...then there are those of us who "snap out of it" and become "dezombified" later. Well, I was always a late bloomer but, sometimes, it seems rather pushing it!
As I research more & more it sounds like a check list for my step-son's "mother." How can we protect him from her? How can she use him like any house hold appliance & not see him as a human being, yet all powers that be can be blinded & let it go on & on & on? Dose anyone have any suggestions for the children still in these situations of abuse that can help real caring adults get them the heck out of there before the mental abuse becomes too much for them? To use this natural bond to pull a child in a most evil way is beyond my understanding. Thank you in advance for any help..
Hi Nina,
I identify with this post and your blog as well. I too had a N-parent, but only became illuminated to this fact recently. I too grew up totally unsure of myself, but never understanding the root of it until now. I have a lot of catching up on life to do.
Please feel free to visit my blog any time... http://romanticeditor.blogspot.com/
Vincent
(I remain anonymous in my blog and go by the aka "Troubled Reflector")
As a child I couldn't wait for Christmas presents. But, when it came time to open them I became very anxious. I didn't deserve any presents, let alone to have others watch me open them. I wanted the gift though and desperately wished I could go open it alone in my room.
I am still that way. Gifts make me uncomfortable, although I love them. Last night was my birthday, and somebody made me a cake. I saw that cake on the kitchen counter when I walked in, but refused to let anyone know I'd seen it. I pretended it wasn't there until the birthday song was sung, and even then I felt very uncomfortable.
Rachel
This is a wonderful site-- rich with real, consoling (and easily identifiable) stories that I imagine I'll be turning back to every time I revert and subconsciously try to convince myself again, "Oh, maybe you're making it up that your parents were NPD because it's an easy solution to all the weirdness."
Anyway, YES, I feel very much strange when people are kind to me without strings. For me, it's partially kneejerk worry over a sense of indebtedness-- (What will they want from me in return? How do I reciprocate? Should I reciprocate? Do I even know how to react?)-- partially a loss of control, and partially a fear that no one should ever know I might be struggling or need help, because that means I'm showing the world I'm not able to handle it and I shouldn't be a whiner. That pain should be kept a secret, because it will always get back to the family.
My closest friend's mother is a wonderful lady who understands the situation and offers me trusted little kindnesses, like a call on my birthday and a meaningful birthday card chosen just for me.
It always works me up, because it's such a hard thing to believe, based on my family history.
It's a stark contrast to the birthday call I'd gotten from N-Dad on the wrong day, and from the phone built into his car because he "had to use up the minutes on that particular day or he'd lose them."
Or the gifts that he'd buy for himself from garage sales and then decide he didn't want them after all., So I'd get them for holidays, given them with phrases like "well, I just figured: what was -I- going to do with it?" Or "I got it from the fifty-cent box." Or "It's a little broken, but I know you like fixing up things."
After a while, you just decide if it's something you want, you'll get it for yourself. If it's something you need to have done, you do it yourself.
Trust gets too damaged, to easily believe in kindness without ulterior motivations.
I realized I guess about 6 years ago that my mom had NPD. I was reading a description a friend thought applied to another friend's husband. And I started reading and was just stunned about how it was exactly my mom. I'll admit I haven't done a lot more reading since then, but I do now read our interactions through that filter. But as I am reading further back into this blog I guess I am almost overwhelmed by how much I identify with basically every single comment.
-Can't ask for help? Check.
-Embarrassed by presents? Check.
-Uncomfortable with kindness? Check.
-Golden child who got everything? Check. (On the plus side my brother is as aware of the dynamic as everyone and doesn't feel entitled to it, but still I had no idea that was an NPD thing per sey.)
-Not getting to have brand name clothes? Check.
-Worrying that I'm actually the narcissist for judging her for not giving me any love or attention? Check.
There's just so much stuff I thought was my mom's own weird personal crap that is apparently very common. It's such an incredible relief. I can't even tell you.
Oh I forgot one
-Random crappy presents clearly from the bargain bin that don't in any way reflect any of my interests in the slightest? Check.
Last night I sent my mother an email addressing a few recent issues. I haven't told her my prognosis (cancer) because I was worried it'd be too much for her. I have decided I need to cut off. So I figured she was at least entitled to know the facts. Here's a direct quote.
Side note. I just turned 33 on Sunday. I'm married and have two young children. We are still grieving the loss of my 8 year old daughter in late '08.
Me: I have a 20% five year survival rate.
Mom: That is just plain hurtful and mean for you to say that to me.
She went on to tell me how Dysfunctional
I am and that she hopes I work my issues out. *shrug*
4/20/11 Anonymous:
Wow. You just lived through my nightmare. What a sad, horrible response to get from your mother. I'm very sorry to hear about your diagnosis and about the loss of your daughter. I can't imagine how painful that must be. Well, your instincts were no doubt right on the money...to cut off contact to protect yourself going forward. You will need all your energy focused on you...and your family...and not defending yourself against your mother...who is incapable of the support that will need.
I don't mean to sound hokey...but a friend of mine was diagnosed with multiple myleoma seven years ago and is doing very well today. She's always insisted on surrounding herself with supportive, positive people and distances herself from the negative. I can't think of anything more negative and toxic than an n-parent.
You did the right thing.
It's you time.
I'm gonna be blunt: the mother in the last post above is like my mom, a semi-human parasite feeding on the energetic output of her daughter's "failures". Simultaneously contemptuous at her offspring's weakness, and wallowing in her own pain by imaginary extension. Not a "full human" behind the mask of "mother", more like a mean bitter angry child still hitting out at someone anyone out there from inside her own bubble reality. Which means, unless the goal is to babysit or tame this bigoted child, which is an impossible undertaking unless you're semi-jesus or near-buddha or equiv, it is pointless to attempt communication, much less seeking any sort of positive emotional feedback. It ain't gonna happen.
Yes I've been a parent AND punching bag to my parents AND their other children, for too long. I have forgotten how to ask for help. I have forgotten how to show my vulnerability. I have become too cynical with signs of genuine loving attention for the few good souls who came my way. The only sign of my wound is the one I involuntarily inflict on my body. I'm still struggling with trusting a therapist enough to see one...
I've observed, esp from my sibling's interaction with my parents, if we do not learn to protect ourselves from the narcissistic ones, we will eventually start hitting out at the ones who are capable of loving (and tolerating) us with true compassion. Passing on the crap, so to speak. We need to stop hurting ourselves.
If we are truly "superwoman" as we reckon we should be, we pick up the courage and send the crap back to where it belongs. Or at least, hand it back immediately everytime they get a chance to hand you some.
One strategy is, stop courting their attention. I do that now. Without guilt even. Took me a long time, 20 adult years, but worth the fight.
Have empathy and be kind to ourselves, before we harden too much from our stoicism defense, and destructive cynicism. Invest our trust elsewhere. We need to trust - the right person. Stop banging our head on the same narcissistic walls. We are not alone in our suffering, as Nina's blog responses have shown.
Thank you again Nina, for all you give here.
I hate when ppl are nice, I'm always waiting for them to turn on me.
"I hate asking for help. I'd rather do everything myself, thank you very much. No, no, I don't want a ride back from the dentist after a root canal...I'll call a cab. I hurt my foot on a walk with the cell phone in my pocket. Did I call my husband who was sitting at home...he would have been glad to pick me up. No, no...I hobbled home. I'm clobbered by the flu? I'll drag myself to work or make dinner for my kids and take the dog for a walk...no big deal."
WHOA. Describes me to a T. I remember when I'd managed to dislocate my knee. It was high school computer science class. Instead of asking for help, I wobbled, crutches and all, to the bookshelf to get the books we needed for class that day. A classmate offered to help, and I actually said no thanks, I could do it. Then somehow or another the teacher got wind of that and told me straight up, "If you need help, just ask!" and asked my poor classmate why he didn't do anything. LOL. That incident made me aware of what my n-parent (albeit an undiagnosed one, but given our experiences, I think he is one!) was doing to me. It wasn't until years later, when I started working, though, that I began asking for help on a few things when I knew what to ask for, haha.
Music girl, thank you for your post about troubles with your boyfriend. I could have written those EXACT words. How can we deal with that? How can you retrain yourself to believe that he loves you? I live in terror that my strange inability to understand that he loves me will drive him away. I rehash it every day - how could he possibly love me? When will it all fall apart? when will the stab in the guts come?
This is so spot on in regards to how I am... wow. Thank you for this.
This is so spot on in regards to how I am... wow. Thank you for this.
Wow.
Before reading any of this, I had no idea I wasn't alone. Reading a lot of these other stories is like reading everything that's happened to me.
My father is narcissistic, but I'm lucky in that if I really need to, I can escape to my wonderful mother's house [who I've been trying to live with primarily--unfortunately, I'm under eighteen and can't move out yet].
I have the 'golden child' situation in my family-except all three of my siblings are treated as a golden child and I'm the only one who's not.
My father hasn't bought me any new clothes since I was about ten years old-four years ago.
I used to be one of the golden children, but after I came out of the closet [actually, I didn't tell him I was a lesbian-he found out by hacking my web browser history to see what blogs I was on, etc.] and after I started voicing my protest against his poor parenting and emotional abuse, I was treated less and less like a child and more like one of those old, dusty boxes of items you keep in your attic-neglected and isolated, but he still wouldn't let me go.
My father is a control -freak- as well, and another big part of the reason I'm the least favorite child is because of the fact that I have showed him that he can't control me..my father hates what he can't control. That's why he treats all of my siblings like royalty, because they do what he asks because he's terrifying.
My youngest brother practically worships the ground my dad walks on, though my father will make him cry. Same with my other two siblings. They don't know how to deal with him, so they praise him and do exactly as he asks-hence why they get better treatment than I.
My father also seems to think that if I don't have any friends, I'll turn straight and if I spend time with my siblings, I'll give them 'Gay Disease'.
He lies about almost everything, and so I've learned over the years to take anything he says with a grain of salt-he doesn't know anything about me, he didn't bother getting to know me after I started showing my true personality rather than the girl I pretended to be when I was younger so people would like me-I'm glad I don't let people control me like that anymore.
He hates my mom because he used to control her, but eventually she decided not to put up with it anymore and divorced him.
And so, for the past few years, he's tried to use me to get back at her.
What makes this worse is that he's been trying to prevent me from seeing my girlfriend-I don't know why, but he doesn't seem to want me to be happy.
He believes me to be quite nescient, though I'm taking a college level class as a freshman in high school. I suppose I'm fairly intelligent for my age, though I don't really like to bring it up much as people tend to be somewhat resentful of the fact.
To be completely honest, I don't believe he's all that smart himself.
He's good with computers, but he is a bit ignorant in the areas of human behaviour and common sense in general.
I'm slowly learning to deal with my n-dad, in that I've figured out that you have to treat him like you would treat a two year old-be patient, and though sometimes reasoning with him doesn't help, you have to give him some time to himself to cool down before you want to try and talk to him again--otherwise he throws adult temper tantrums of sorts. I'm talking to a counselor right now and there are people all around me-including some teachers at my high school, as well as my girlfriend and my friends-that are helping me through this.
In a way, I suppose I could say that things are beginning to get a bit better even though my father's actions have begun to get worse than they have ever been before.
It's good, however, to know I'm not alone and I'm not the only one who has to deal with a parent like this.
I hope that your relationship can survive the many assaults people will throw at you for not being heterosexual. Just remember they've got the problem, not you. You go, girl!
Superwoman. Tick
I've had to keep repeating the following mantra "just because I CAN do it, doesn't mean I HAVE to do it". And that was just to sit back and let others help me. I think it would kill me to ask for help!
Suspicious of niceness/compliments. Tick
Growing up, compliments were ONLY used as a tool to exploit/manipulate me. My immediate response when someone compliments me is "what do you want?".
Also, I find it awkward giving compliments. Does anyone else have this problem? Even if the compliment is genuine, I feel really fake and slimy saying it.
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