Friday, March 5, 2010

Unacknowledged

I've written about this before...maybe on my other blog.

Sometimes, it's difficult to tease apart the tangled mess of issues that are a result of having narcissistic parents...being adopted by self-centered parents....and just being adopted.

I have major abandonment issues. This is very common amongst adoptees. However, having seen my parents cut people off just like "that" (snap of fingers) when I was child, the threat of this actually happening seemed quite real. Later, my n-mother did cut me off when I went away to college. She stopped speaking to me.

Another issue I have is going unacknowledged.

This is a big one. Intellectually, I understand it. I believe I understand the root of the problem and I have tried my hardest to overcome it. Then this week, wham, it happened again and I am astonished that I allowed myself to re-enter the cycle.

So here it is in a nutshell:

Being the capable, people pleasing, good listener with pronounced tendencies to rescue, I became the confident of a certain relative. However, this relative only called when in crisis (3x a year) which involved lots of time and energy. Heck, it only took decades to realize she had no other use for me except as an occasional therapist. Still, that was progress. I pointed this out to the relative and she admitted she disappears after each crisis because she's embarrassed. Okay. So I sent an email and gave her a free pass. No response. I send another email. Zip. Six months pass. Relative calls husband's cell phone and talks to him. It now appears I may see her at a reunion. I send her an email about a travel deal. This too goes unacknowledged.

Now, I'm fuming and all churned up. For God's sake, I think, buck up!....you're way too old to behave like a hurt child! Obviously, the relative is not a very nice person capable of a mature, reciprocal relationship...move on! But her behavior is, well, not only triggering...it's kind of like catnip. I have to admit, also, to now hating the very mention of her name.

Going unacknowledged is a profound and disturbing experience...having had a childlike narcissistic father who never let me finish a sentence. Basically, I felt invisible to him.

When I go unacknowledged today...whether someone doesn't return a phone call, an email...or passes me without saying hello on the street....is, well, scary and threatening. It's like being erased all over again. I know all this, but when it happened again, I was right back to where I started: extremely agitated.

17 comments:

Sojourner said...

OMG!! I have that same issue, unacknowledgment, but never knew what it was! Thank you for putting it into words. Now that I have that information, I can explore those feelings and heal.

I also have huge abandonment issues being raised by a raging Nmother and alcoholic father. It's taken years and years to heal from that but at times I also have triggers and it's like I'm 15 years old again. The most recent being just six months ago, having my Nmom rage at me, unacknowledging my feelings, telling me how I should feel and that I didn't have any right standing up for myself. I was wrong. Period.

Being unacknowledged is what my sister does to me. 6 months ago it was the last straw. No more. I am beginning to stand up for myself and have my voice heard.

Lots of fallout with that, but well worth it to feel valued as a person. Being unacknowledged makes one feel unworthy as a person. That is one of the lies you begin to believe about yourself. It's been hard reversing that mindset.

Oh..and the fallout...more unacknowledgment and more abandonment. It's the only thing they know how to do. And no surprise, it's all my fault. They can't talk to me because I am a bully (for standing up to myself) and I am the one who wrote them off (refusing to respond to the email hatred).

The projection is astounding. Along with the hypocracy.

Holly Havens said...

I, too, have the same issue with being unacknowledged. As a young child, my n-mother did a great job of painting me as the troublemaker, making me the scapegoat, and discrediting anything I said. And I am the youngest sibling and also blond, so the stereotyping didn't help any! I have begun to realize the last year or so that this is the reason I am unacknowledged by my siblings and father so much, because my n-mother started it and now it's perpetually happening all on its own. When I say things I am usually ignored the first time, even if what I am saying is factually correct, never mind any of my own opinions and thoughts. I then have to repeat my self several times, and sometimes I get acknowledged, but mostly not. It makes me incredibly furious and frustrated. I feel ignored and alone, and it causes me to continue to bottle up all my anger, as I generally feel dumb shouting at family members not to ignore me any further! I try and stand up for myself, but am generally met with more ignoring. The dysfunction is widespread in our family, so I feel like I have few allies. No one else is exploring their issues, and all have a general distrust of therapy or self-help. It's slow going, but I am still hopeful it can get better and I understand it more and keep making the effort. One day, one conversation at a time!

Hold Fast said...

Well, this was perfect timing. Right now I'm sitting in bed crying my eyes out because I feel so alone and abandoned by everyone in my life.

My Nfather used to go into a rage and then stop talking for days on end. Because I had to help him in his business, I needed to be with him every day. He would act like I was invisible and if he wanted me to do something, he would point to it. I would spend days trying to cheer him up, ask him questions and try to do everything right just to try to get him to talk to me again. After about 4 days he suddenly began talking again and acting as if nothing ever happened. That would last until his next rage. Funny thing, as a little kid, when he started talking again I always felt like that was the last time he would do that and I now had a loving father. That was shattered like a china plate hitting the floor the minute something sent him into a rage again. This usually happened weekly. Sometimes I just wish he would have killed me instead of emotionally wounding me so deep.

Anonymous said...

Hold Fast, I, too, am familiar with the rage thing. I've noticed that Ns can't handle bad things happening without blaming those things on someone, even when it defies logic. The concept of dumb luck, or heaven forbid accepting blame themselves, is beyond them.

It's interesting that you brought this up because I was thinking today how even the most intelligent of Ns are seemingly very stupid at times, i.e. they will set all logic aside if it protects their narcissism. I've been in a room with family members in which one N parent asked a question to no one in particular, and having a degree pertaining to the subject of the question, I answered it only to be completely ignored as though I hadn't spoken. N parent then addressed someone else who had no education in the subject of the question. She needed so badly to believe that I couldn't possibly know the answer to the question that she set aside her knowledge about my degree. Her conversations often take bizarre twists and turns, a very exasperating experience as both a child and an adult, and I never understood why. When I grew up, I pondered whether she might even have some language or logic related learning disability-- she would have a fit if she knew that, LOL. It's only recently that I realize this all relates to narcissism. To a narcissist, every conversation is like a maze, the only point of which is to reach the end of the maze at which sits a big chunk of narcissistic supply.

mulderfan said...

My father has a really special way of letting you know you're conversation is of no interest to him. After I used to spend an hour driving down for a visit he would put the TV on full blast and completely ignore me. Because I have wear two hearing aids the noise made it impossible for me to converse with my mother as well. Politely explaining my situation and asking him to at least turn it down just gave him ammunition to make fun my hearing loss.

At a large family gathering in honor of his 90th birthday he turned on the soccer game and when my brother and I went to another room so we could chat my mother came in and told us WE were rude!!

My brother tried telling my father if he didn't turn off the TV he was going home. My father would comply then sit there sulking and refusing to speak.

Now, of course, he has made me completely insignificant (in his mind) by no longer speaking to me at all because I had the audacity to ask that my parents treat me with respect. I think I'm supposed to feel abandonment but instead I just feel FREE!

Nina said...

JUST ME,

I'm glad this post may be of help!

It took a very long time...with the help of an insightful therapist...to figure out that particular trigger and to adequately describe the process.

You mentioned your mother tells you how to feel...that has to be one of the most aggravating, controlling and dismissive thing a person can encounter! The fact that we can't even have an authentic emotion without the narcissistic parent trying to change that, too!

Nina said...

HOLLY,

That happened to me with my father...often with my mother...but I can't imagine how it must feel to be ignored in a room filled with people! I suspect it would be quite terrifying, actually....like maybe you were a ghost stuck on earth and nobody else can see or hear you.

Keep speaking up...interrupt if you have to!...claim your fair share of the conversation...you may not be able to totally change the dynamics, but it might be fun to watch the stunned reaction of people who are so accustomed to ignoring you!

Nina said...

Hold Fast!

Oh no! Well, crying is better than being a numbed zombie...small, cold comfort, however.

In one of psychoanalyst Alice Miller's books, she talks about the impact of rage/silences on children...perpetuated by parents. Apparently, her mother used to do this to her and she describes the feeling with such eloquence. No matter one's age, when your parent pretends you don't exist, it somehow reduces you to a state of such vulnerability...you feel so alone and so isolated....

The only thing that helped...when my mother did this to me in my twenties...was emotional detachment. Of course, this was made easier because of geographical distance.

Where are you in the process of trying to emotionally detach? It's your most powerful weapon...I'm not sure what others think about this...but it's like that Patronus charm used by Harry Potter against the dementors! (okay, that sounds really geeky, but it's the best I can come up with right now!)

Nina said...

ANONYMOUS,

Mmmm...reading your post...I wondered if your n-parent is jealous of your degree/success. Not soliciting your opinion on a subject in which you are more expert is also a not-so-subtle way of diminishing your achievement.

I don't know how old you are, but I've been kind of amazed at how older people (including my generation and older)..who complain about younger people being self-centered...can talk at a dinner table and go on and on and be total windbag ninnies, but make no attempt to include the younger people at the table...and interrupt them when they do manage to get a word or two in. And those people aren't considered narcissists...of course, narcissistis do that and MORE!

Nina said...

Mulderfan,

If your family situation wasn't such a tragedy...it has the makings of great comedy. I don't mean to make light of the situation...but the scenes you describe are so ridiculous and maddening that it's a miracle you don't run screaming from the house.

Hold Fast said...

I certainly am working with a dementor so a Patronus charm would work. Maybe they sell them on the internet! I'll let you know if I find them.

I had no contact for many glorious years but had to re-establish contact when my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimers. I would recommend no contact for anyone. How can anyone heal when the scab is continued to be picked off the wound?

Susie said...

Oh yes! It makes me feel frustrated when people don't acknowledge me and it often makes me feel like I've been taken advantage of.
My N-parents used to expect me not to have feelings about their rages or child-like behavior. If Dad did/said something insensitive and I protested, he'd storm out of the room feeling 'hurt' and my mother would say, "Go apologize to your father. You REALLY hurt his feelings." What about MY feelings?
When I was little, I never talked because I felt like no one really cared. I remember feeling here, but not really present.

What's worse is that they pretend like I don't exist or that my opinion doesn't matter. They ask questions to maintain their reputation with other people/seem interested but they will literally not take any information in. It makes me wonder if there is something physiologically wrong with their brains to be unable to absorb information. When I was visiting home during a college break, they asked me 8 separate times what classes I was taking and as soon as I told them, it was like they were zoned out for a while and then they'd go on talking about themselves; like a hiccup or brain fart!
When Dad comes home, the first thing he does is complain/boast about his job. He goes on and on about how he's been granted all of this work by his boss because he's "the only one who can get the work done". If he asks me about my day, which is rare, nothing gets absorbed or he gives me a long winded lecture about the meaning of "hard work" and how he "pulled himself up by his bootstraps" and how people are so "entitled" these days. UGH! I don't CAAAREE!

And OMG Anonymous who said, "they will set all logic aside if it protects their narcissism". This is SO true! During a vacation to Mexico, my parents were basically scammed out of thousands of dollars. They were offered a free mini trip (like ATV rides, whale watching whatever) if they would just listen to a presentation for time shares. They kept saying, "We're just going for the free stuff" over and over. We all agreed NO TIMESHARE. They went to the presentation and came back shortly and said, "Well, it's a great deal and all...What do you guys think?" Of course we said no. Then they whipped around and said, "Well, it's not up to YOU", as if they hadn't asked us for our opinion at all. We were outraged that we had to sit around all day, waiting for them to go to this cockamamie presentation, only to have them come back with this hair-brained scheme and an attitude to boot! They knew it was a scam, but they were too proud to admit that they were wrong.
Crazy.
-Susie

Alexis said...

I'm surprised that's one trigger I don't have. Maybe cus I'm so used to being ignored. I got the week long silent treatment, too. When I was little it scared me so I'd beg and crawl for forgiveness. When I got about 10 I floved it. I could be in the room with her and not have to acknowledge her either. So she promptly stopped using that one and replaced it with temper tantrums and screaming fits.
I have a s*load of other triggers. The other day after a trigger brought up by a bank teller, that's about all I am is a reaction to triggers. Now I'm stepping back and examining them when they happen instead of stewing endlessly reliving that garbage I'm working so hard to neutralize.

Anonymous said...

Nina,

Have much of the same feelings. Came across your blog awhile back but felt guilty. A common theme. I'm in a difficult situation. My sister passed away a few months ago when I moved back in with my parents. Didn't have much anywhere else to go at the time. I had developed a bad habit of just associating with people in support groups for mental illness or addiction issues becase I felt bad for them. Also, my parents pretty much forced me to, as all my "problems" had nothing to do with them. When I started showing emotion over my sister's death or anything family oriented they do the same thing yours do and make it all about them. I feel truly trapped now. We (or they rather) moved again (maybe the 30th time in my life and I am only 24)and so as bad as I would like to establish myself and have my own life, they won't allow it and demand me to help them with pretty much everything. I can't talk to my brother much about anything. Usually the conversation turns into how successfull I can be (not a bad thing at all) but that's where he draws the line with me. He's a funny guy and I enjoy talking with him, but the more I talk to him the closer I come to my mother, who I loathe with a passion, even with her little girl/frail character. The more I get established away from them (like in college for instance) the more people want to know about my family which makes me very uneasy. I am terrified (from experience)of any of my friends getting to know members of my family, unless I have a sense that they'll be able to observe the craziness I see. My mom says she wishes I would go up to her and tell her I love her, unasked. She's always been like that and at the same time so controlling of mine (and my sister's lives) that there truly is no way away from her. When I first started learing about n-parents, I got terrified because it crushed my delusion that they are so loving and supportive. I was sick a lot as a child, had a rare disease, intense anxiety and depression. Unfortunately, the psychiatrists I've seen about it diagnose me or give me meds (that don't work or I don't want to take) instead of questioning why I was and (still am to a degree) like that. My sister told me about emotional incest and abuse before she died, taking notice of a lot of my social problems. I'm terrified of showing emotion right now and it is eating me up. My parents would freak out. If I were to see a therapist, he or she would be screened by them before and they (my mom especially) would demand knowing everything that went on (which sort of defeats the purpose)...this sucks

Anonymous said...

M320,
You said "if you were to see a therapist he or she would be screened by them and demand knowing everything that went on "
Please don't tell them you're going to see a therapist.

I read what you wrote and it was like reading about my life.
My n-mom continued to control every thought, every emotion, decision, every feeling until I was 37 and mind you I got married at 21 yet she still controlled every aspect of my life. I was so scared to defy her because she drilled it to me that she would die if I ever dis-obeyed her. It took a nervous breakdown and a great therapist for me to believe that my disobedience was not going to be the cause of her death.

I would really hate for the same thing that I went through to happen to anyone else because he or she didn't get successful advice from an understanding therapist simply because they let the nparents know their plans for therapy.

I would like to share that I stayed married to an abusive husband because my nmother forbid that I divorce him. Anytime I brought up that I couldn't take the abuse anymore my nmother would say " you know I forbid you divorce him what are people going to say about me! " this monster was more worried about what others would think about "her" knowing I was abused day in and day out. She would constantly throw in my face that I needed reminding the fact he came from a wealthy family. Like I really cared that his parents were wealthy and well known in the state . Nevermind to nmother that I was seeking safety by wanting a divorce.
Four years ago I left my nmother and the abusive husband she demanded for 18 years that I stay with for the sake of her so called reputation. I moved access the country and I got out of that bad marriage. Nmother was furious with both btw. My niece who knows everything about what I went through as a child and as an adult tells me that when people ask her about me nmother says I'm working out of state no mention of any divorce ,just that I got a wonderful job in California. That by the way is not true I didn't leave because of some job I left to save my life.
I would like to add the first night I was in a life that belonged to me I slept for the first time in years. Was it because I was safe, was it because I was no lomyself someone's puppet I belive so.

Thank you so much for your blogg.
I am by no way healed of having a nmother, I still have trigger moments and so much resentment , moving away saved my life it's the best gift I could ever give to myself.

Anonymous said...

I just want to apologize for the auto correct everyone I'm sorry about that.

While I got the brunt of nmother's degrading words, being told I was stupid, told my hair was ugly, being told that I wasn't thin enough for nmother. She has spent her life worried about anything negative someone in her circle of friends might ever think of her at my expense she still feels I owe her for everything a parent is suppose to do for a child. My therapist has finally helped me understand that I don't owe her for she did that a parent is responsible for shelter etc.

I have a younger sister who hates food till this day I often think it's because she witnessed nmother being so hard on me to look a certain way and perhaps she is afraid to loose nmother's approval if she gains wieght. The same sister I'm telling you about had a boyfriend when her son was very small. The boyfriend would beet my poor nephew when he was drunk. I tried to put an end to it by getting everyone in the family in agreement with me by calling CPS. Nmother lost it and became furious and yelled what are people going to think! " someone in my family having dealings with CPS. Not even for once thinking about her grandaon's safety only her own warpped thoughts. She didn't let any of us call COST but my sister escaped on her own. She didn't tell nmother her plans because she had tried to leave in the past but she was stopped by our nmother with her same thoughtless words what are people going to say. I heard nmother tell my sister so many times to not leave because everyone was in awe of the humongous house she had now that she was living with this boyfriend. So in my mentally displaced nmother brain it's ok for her daughters to live in misery as long as there is money, and big houses for her to show off to her friends. Wow! Now that I have moved away I'm seeing a women who should have been screened before being allowed to have kids.

I have decided not to have kids ever. I'm so afraid that I will turn out to be a nmother like mine is. I know in my I would never do to another human what this woman has done to me but,,,, I don't want to take any chances so I'm OK not ever having kids.

Anonymous said...

I just discovered this wonderful blog today. Big THANK YOU to Nina for creating it.

There are so many things I've identified with. Didn't know where to start posting.

I resonate strongly with: "Not solicitating your opinion on a subject in which you are more expert is a...way to diminish your achievement".

Boy do I get spades of that. I have since understood that it's a sign of envy by the n-parent. It's sad because it wounds our ability to feel proud of our own achievements. Thankfully, finding supportive friends in my profession and social circle has made self recognition a little easier. Still am prone to an actual blush for direct compliments.

Re: main topic...I think n-parent(s) have such a hard time 'sharing the spotlight', that truly acknowledging their child (or anyone else for that matter) is out of the question.

Amusing example: uni graduation - one of THE events where functional parents would acknowledge their child's achievement. My uni decided to forgo the mortarboard as part of the academic dress. My n-mother believes that the motarboard is the only true validation of uni graduation. Result: hysteria and tantrum right in the middle of the hall where I and all other graduates were waiting to be fitted for our gowns. I really believe it was all too much for mom. There's no way my graduation could not be a focus on me, so her actions was an attempt to regain the 'spotlight'. That's literally - she was standing in the middle of the hall with all eyes turned on her after the outburst.

Makes me think about the whole point of narcissicism - individuals are so self absorbed that it is impossible to share their attention or recognizing the importance of anyone externally. Even if they are their own flesh and blood. It's especially difficult for children because I do believe humans have that primal perogative to protect and care for their young. Yes, there are accounts where mammals outright kill their young i.e. pandas, but it is never from negligence from pre-mediated or manipulative action (please correct if I'm wrong, my view is based on old memory of zoological research). My theory is n-parents, at the very least, subconsciously ignore a primal, innate behaviour. Some argue that it is because n-parents themselves were victims of narcisstic abuse. I recognize this, but, there is freedom of choice. There is a conscious choice to perpetuate harm, or, to rise up with the courage to stop this generational abuse. An image of Spartacus comes to mind. So, I believe parents who have been hurt by n-parent(s) yet can and do bring up their own young in a functional manner, need to be - to borrow the thread title - acknowledged for being...the quiet heroes of any generation.

I just hope when I have kids, I can do the same.

Regards,
Elisa