Since I was raised an only child of n-parents, I may be totally off the mark in my response, so I thought I'd post what Music Girl (she uses musical notes I can't duplicate, so I'm dubbing her Music Girl) had to say so she could benefit from the advice of others who were raised with siblings.
She wrote:
My two younger sisters are treated similarly but I bear the brunt of my parents narcissistic behaviour. Relatives, friends, and even my sisters point it out to me. That I shouldn't have to deal with so much shit from them. I've been numb to it for so long that I barely notice it now. The only time it upsets me is if, having come home from a good gig and screamed and moshed a bit and got my anger out, I come home tired and then get punched in the face. The good thing is I can shrug away the bruises as something I picked up in the mosh pit.
Anyway my main concern is that, although my sisters don't get treated the worst, if I move out - I'M NOT THERE TO BE MY PARENTS TARGET. Right now, if either of them does something wrong, they get a telling off but it all comes down to 'you learnt this from your eldest sister, didn't you?!'..
And then I'm the target.
When I move out to university- what'll happen? What if they turn to the next eldest one? What if, because of my absence and blatant rebellion/going against my parents wishes, they become more angry and controlling? What if they give my sisters EVEN more hell than they give me now?
I can be selfish. I can apply for a university I like purely because it's far away. I can stay out an hour or two past my curfew.
But I CAN'T leave/stand by whilst I know my younger sisters are going to get punched in the face for something I'VE done. I don't know what to do :(
This isn't just narcissistic behavior. This involves physical abuse.
I'm a little worried because in a previous post, I mentioned my mother slapped me. She did...several times...but that was in the "old days" and it wasn't very hard. Today, it would probably be considered abusive.
I did not mean to give the impression that slapping a child is in any way is acceptable. Your parents are hitting you hard enough to leave bruises! I strongly encourage you - for your safety and the welfare of your sisters - to either contact social services (or the equivalent of where you live) and enlist their services or, should your parent(s) strike you again, to leave the house immediately and call the police and file a report.
In addition to the self-centered behavior you've described, your parents have crossed another boundary into even darker territory that requires firm, decisive action on your part. It is possible that your father has serious anger-management issues that could escalate. Your natural, age-appropriate desire for independence will continue to put you at odds with your father...enraging him further...possibly putting you at increased risk.
As for your sisters, perhaps the best thing you can do for them - besides calling social services - is to show them that you will not tolerate abuse...be a role model, in other words. Show your sisters that leaving home IS possible and that life outside is a much healthier and happier place to be.
Readers...what's your take?
6 comments:
I agree with Nina. This type of beahviour invariably escalates. Enlist the aid of a professional third party (police, social services, school counselor) and get yourself to a safe place IMMEDIATELY! Once you're safe, let the professionals make sure your sisters are safe too.
You are not responsible for this situation, nor are you abandoning your sisters. You can only truly help them by being safely on the outside.
Hope this helps.
"You are not responsible for this situation, nor are you abandoning your sisters. You can only truly help them by being safely on the outside."
This is why it's so great to put heads together on something as serious as this...this needed to be said...absolutely...she's NOT abandoning her sisters and that she's absolutely NOT responsible for this awful situation! Thanks, Mulderfan!
Thank you SO much for this!!
Of course, I've considered reporting my parents, but the violence has only started this past few months, but it's escalated quite quickly. Theres several reasons i dont want to report it:
1) In our culture, respect for parents is of UTMOST importance, I dont want to be the one that "shames" them.
2) I'm already repeating a year, and exams are two months away. I really don't want to start a massive uproar and mess up my exams AGAIN :(
3) The simplest way of stopping it is to just do as my parents say. I don't want to be kicked out of the house/tear apart the family - I'm the eldest, I'm still studying so I'd have no real source of income. One sister has just started university and the other is starting college (or I guess in the Americas, that's..high school) in a year. We might not be living great lives, but we're used to it... and tearing it all up doesnt seem like the best option right now.
Maybe after I've finished my training course and have a job, I could pull my sisters to live with me.
It's complicated, I want to leave but I feel like I can't :(
Thanks for the support anyway! I look forward to reading more people's views on this :)
x
I came from an Asian culture (but born and raised in the U.S) so yeah, the whole obey-your-parents-or-else. As the youngest child in the family I had to watch my oldest sister get treated as a scapegoat by Dad and treated as a confidant/golden child by Mom. I can tell you that I really really really wanted her to escape the house. Sure, I might get targeted once she leaves but it didn't matter to me. Why? Because I couldn't live with the responsiblity of trapping my sister in the house with me.
I was already "responsible" for my mother's happiness and "responsible" for keeping my father calm by not embarressing the family or else Dad would use it as an excuse to beat my mother. Meanwhile, I had the real responsiblity of taking care of my autistic sister. It was too much responsiblity! The last thing I wanted was an additional "responsibility" for my oldest sister's safety and happiness.
And that obey-your-parents-or-else culture? I come to find out that my parents did a great job on their own shaming themselves. Friends and colleagues eventually distanced themselves. They felt sorry for us kids, sure, but not sorry enough to intervene because that would mean more contact with our narcissistic parents.
Don't let your parents emotionally blackmail by making you responsible for their actions. Have a frank talk with your sisters, treat them as equals and not as fragile creatures that needs coodling. My oldest sister did that and I think it helped me not get completely sucked into my parents' lies, whines, and pity parties.
Every family dynamic is unique so I'm adding a disclaimer that this may or may not work for you. By staying you might be setting a poor example to your sisters. I was upset and furious that my mom stayed with my abusive father. I just couldn't be convinced by her claims that she HAD to stay. I came to believe that our father was a convenient villian for Mom to hide behind and she gets the added bonus of being a real victim and reap in the sympathies and pities. Sociopaths adored being pitied.
Okay, I'll stop now.
I'm concerned that the physical abuse started just a few months and is escalating. I'm not sure why your parents feel the need to punch you hard enough to leave bruises, but they've definitely crossed a line by physically hurting you. I come from an Asian family too, so I understand the whole, 'we must have face' thing.
The fact that they are hurting you physically overrides your parents' shame if the abuse is publicly known. Your safety overrides the 'sanctity' of their reputation. You say the abuse is escalating; what is preventing your parents from breaking your arm if they are that upset?
Let me put it this way: You cannot help your sisters if you are badly hurt. If you're so hurt from your parents' abuse, who will protect your sisters? You can't provide much support for your sisters if you are also having problems.
That is why I recommend you find a way to protect yourself from your parents (both physically and mentally) before helping your sisters. I'd also report the physical beatings you endured to the police, because what your parents are doing to you is not right.
Music Girl,
While I totally sympathize with your dilemma, I remain concerned...like Enilina and Pisces6...that you're taking on too much responsibility for keeping the family together...by sacrificing yourself.
While culture can help explain parental behaviors and attitudes...they no longer are in their home country where beating a disobedient daughter may be acceptable.
Most of the discussion on this blog is about emotional abuse: neglect, parentification, manipulation through guilt, etc.
You are experiencing this AND physical abuse, too...adding another serious dimension to an already horrible problem.
Are there counseling services at your university? I strongly recommend both you and your sisters seek real life third-party support.
Please do some reading on unhealthy vs. healthy boundaries in families...I remain concerned that you will sacrifice yourself needlessly to maintain a very unhealthy status quo...
Take care of yourself!!!!
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