It's funny, in real life, I've devoted an enormous amount of time and energy reaching for the reset button...trying to reshape and rewire my reactions and the way I think after discovering my father wasn't just a lousy Difficult Parent, but one afflicted with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
On this blog, however, I haven't spent a whole lot of space exploring how to get over an n-parent, probably because I'm not an expert and what may have worked for me may not work for others.
There are several issues and concerns that readers repeatedly raise...many of which I continue to struggle with...so I'd like to begin taking a look at them. If you've encountered the problem and have worked to overcome it, please share how you tackled it and how you feel about the results you've achieved.
ISSUE NUMBER ONE: SOCIALLY....HUNG-UP
Here's what an anonymous commenter wrote:
This is something I remember and only now am seeing how the incident deeply influenced how I relate/struggle to relate to others. I was 13 and had written a letter to my best friend back home. I left the letter on the bookshelf by the door to be mailed. The next day I noticed an envelope with my father's handwriting addressed to my friend, stamped and ready to be sent. I thought it was strange and decided to open it. Not only had my father opened and read the letter but he had added his own sarcastic and mean remarks in the margins and empty spaces. This was very confusing for me. After all he was my dad, and he was really smart so the letter must have been stupid, right? I am 35 now and fiercely protective of my privacy, unsure of myself socially, and always worried about seeming stupid. I guess sometimes I feel empty because I'm afraid to let my guard down. I can handle feeling numb and empty, I've had plenty of practice. I have no idea what to do with kindness and love and the fear of being hurt is greater than the pain of emptiness.
In real life, I suspect most people would be surprised to hear that I spent most of my life feeling socially unsure of myself because I am an extrovert who can pretty much talk to anybody.
However, for most of my life, I used my outgoing nature to cover up the fact that I felt very uncomfortable in many social situations...especially those involving large groups. I am best one on one. When I was child, I never felt like I fit in...always on the outside looking in. That feeling persisted through my teenage years into young adulthood. It was only until I moved far, far away from my parents that I was finally able to relax a bit and enjoy the company of others.
My best time, socially, was in my mid-thirties...in my role as mother of two young daughters. This role gave me the opportunity to meet other parents at school, at the park...pretty much everywhere. And I loved it! We had things in common...something to talk about. (I'm not advocating having kids for expanding your social circle...it just happened that way).
There's also something funny that happens when you're forty...something rather surprising and nice and totally unexpected. I seemed to care less about what other people thought of me. I seemed to relax in my own skin. When I encountered somebody who didn't seem to like me, it didn't bother me as much. I no longer went out of my way to win people over. I learned to listen more and talk less. I suspect I used to talk too much...nervous chatter...to disguise the fact that I felt uncomfortable. When I stopped doing that, I was better able to connect with others.
Here's a funny admission...but it's totally true. I began to observe how my teenage daughters behaved in groups of people. I noticed they don't feel compelled to drive the conversation...they can, well, just "hang." I've never done that well very. It seems to work very well for them. When they do talk, what they say is how they really feel (or it seems so)...their reactions are authentic and have range and depth. So at my advanced age, I began to practice it. I'd ask myself...how do you really feel about what the person just said...or did...and reacted accordingly. Basically, I had to dig deep to find out how I felt. I have to say it was pretty successful. I was amazed that I could retrain myself.
Please feel free to share your experience!!!
42 comments:
I don't enjoy parties and bars and I make a terrible hostess unless I only have one guest, but I catch myself overtalking a lot anyway in that situation. I hadn't connected this discomfort with having a narcissistic mother until reading this post. I would love to change and relax and become a better listener but I think you are on the money Nina, it comes with time. I am 33 and I stopped contact with my mother 7 years ago (people are still shocked by this I think). I definitely feel more comfortable in my own skin as life goes on but some days I wish the healing process would hurry up - especially as I have two young sons. I shut down when things get stressful at home and I worry about the effect my detachment has on my kids. I suspect that detachment is what is happening in social situations. There is a lot to process and the mind is in the habit if shutting down when overloaded - which happens very easily in my case. If only there was a magic potion we all could take!
I was always shy as a kid and this would infuriate my father. Maybe I was an embarrassment or some kind of disappointment. Who knows (or cares) now.
I still avoid large groups, parties and such but even more so now that I have to wear two hearing aids for a severe hearing loss. Oh, and my father who is also deaf but has too much pride to wear a hearing aid, made fun of my deafness before I went NC!
I used to desperately want everyone to like me as well. Lately I've adopted the 1/3 rule (not sure where I heard it but here's how it works):
1/3 of people you meet will like/love you regardless.
1/3 of people you meet will dislike/hate you regardless.
And the other 1/3? Well they just don't give a s**t either way!
Always makes me smile!
Definitely seen it in myself. I think it may come from bottling up the emotions to keep out of trouble. I can talk facts easily, but not likes and dislikes - because those require a bit of emotion.
And I'm always worried about messing up and sounding stupid.
So far, the best solution has been to laugh at myself whenever possible. That blunts the felt hostility considerably, and helps me remember that the failure to attain perfection is not a crime against humanity, as I had been taught. I tend to obsess over my failures otherwise - as my parents were more than happy to do when I needed to be put in my place.
I have terrible social anxiety; I've only in the past few years developed the ability to be passably social, but I'm still uncomfortable with it. I struggle with horror at feeling sure I'm being judged no matter what I'm doing or not doing. I've come to realize that whether it's true or whether it's not, my reaction to any stimuli is up to me...strange comfort.
I think some of what you describe, Nina, is just innate personality traits. Being introverted or extraverted is influenced more by genetics than any other personality trait (according to the MN Twin Study, as I recall.) And caring less what people think of you is one of the few gifts of middle age, for women.
Meeting my birth family has helped me see that being introverted and a little eccentric is just part of who I am, and would have been in any case. My excessive fear of disapproval though, is partly or entirely due to how terrifying and arbitrary my mother's disapproval was. My feeling, similar to what Mulderfan mentions, that there was something wrong with me for being introverted and awkward, is certainly due to my mother who never missed an opportunity for scorn.
At the same time, a degree of social awkwardness is her fault, because she raised us in an abnormal and somewhat isolated manner, so it is hard for me to know what is "normal." I often find myself trying to puzzle out what is the socially correct thing to do or say, in situations that most people would handle instinctively. But this is where that gift of middle-age comes in. Now I just laugh and tell everyone "I'll just do whatever is most awkward!" or some such thing, and it turns out it usually doesn't matter that much.
DEAR COMMENTERS: I'VE READ EVERY SINGLE COMMENT...THANK YOU!...I'LL RESPOND FRIDAY...DAUGHTER HOME ON SPRING BREAK AND BUSY TEST WEEK IN MY COURSES, SORRY FOR DELAY. PLAN TO REPLY FRIDAY. IN THE MEANTIME, POSITIVE THOUGHT RAYS IN YOUR DIRECTION...NINA
CELERA...
True...some of those are personality traits...like extroversion...I only mentioned it because it masks a whole lotta inner turmoil!
When you wrote, "a degree of social awkwardness is her fault, because she raised us in an abnormal and somewhat isolated manner.." I can't tell you how much that resonated.
My self-absorbed mother, not my NPD father...isolated me, too. I was raised an only child and she did not like other kids coming over...she also didn't like me going over to other people's houses...I can remember her taking me to the park maybe once or twice. So we didn't get "practice" being social during our critical formative years!
BABBLING BROOK,
People who have no clue about n-parents are often shocked about going no-contact or an adult child making serious complaints about a parent....they can be quite harsh about it, too...scandalized...w/tendency to lecture. I found this so annoying I eventually learned to stop trying to explain it.
I think you're onto something...about linking the way you shut down/detach during stressful experiences...to how you were raised. This was your natural go-to defense mechanism that has become, as you say, a habit. But as w/all habits...they CAN be unlearned. At least you are aware you do this!
Can you - have you - seen a therapist? Mine helped me figure out a strategy how to quit (over)reacting to my father's demands...and take back my life...and set up some boundaries.
MULDERFAN...
Hah! It IS true you learn something new every day...I'd not heard the one-third rule and I LOVE it! It makes me smile, too!
JAJ...
Mmmm...a friend recently said sometimes I don't sound as excited about some stuff as I should...that I sometimes express myself without the appropriate emotion...and when I read your post it got me thinking about how GUARDED we have become.
When we did express emotion....our parents rejected it or ridiculed us or yelled at us...so it's no wonder we hold back.
BILLIE,
That's a horrible thing to live with...how debilitating...but good for you trying to overcome it!
Well, you WERE constantly judged growing up...and HARSHLY...so it's totally understandable how one could develop that particular fear of being judged.
I'm in my early 30s, always feeling denied of the chance to enjoy a holiday or close-friends because of pushy parents who exploit whatever credit they can take. While they have marred how I relate socially, I've decided enough is enough. I will claim my life back, gently but determinedly. Thanks for blogging.
Ichimoku
Nina, what's amazing is that your daughters have that capability to give and take naturally. Something went really well in your (co-)parenting -- congrats!
I hate my social hang-ups. I am 30 and only last summer did the light bulb turn on for me when a pastor suggested my dad had NPD. After looking it up, sure enough my dad's personality and actions fit NPD to a 'T'.
My husband has been in the military for 10 years, so it was easy to be an introvert, to not let others in. We were constantly moving, not having to make deep connections with others. But a few weeks ago he separated from the military and we moved to a town that we plan on staying in for a while. All of a sudden overwhelming fears are coming to the surface that the people who seem to like me here wont really when they get to know me, etc.
So, as of right now, my social hang-ups are REALLY hanging me up!
Thanks for this blog. It helps to know I'm not alone in this.
how are you? i read ur post when looking up narcissistic parents. My dad is a narcissist... and a bad one. He always looked down on my my whole life just to bring him self up. he talks about how great he is and how i could never be like him. im trying to break away from him but its tough... even as an adult. your thing on here gave me some comfort... knowing that im not the only one dealing with something like this. thank you. my email is dusen_is@hotmail.com. would be interesting to chat with someone who has the same experiance.
I'm still trying to figure out social interaction. It does not help being an artistic type who can't mesh well with your average small-town college-aged individual. Learning social interaction has been a very slow process for me, and I've made many mistakes along the way. There are many things I still don't catch as far as social cues, until people make it very obvious. As can be guessed, this also makes me a bit of a target for people other than my parents who'd seek to use me in the same way they did. I have found a few people along the way (a very few), who seem like good people. I still haven't found anyone I could be a close friend with, but I haven't given up the search.
I'm always having to expend a tremendous amount of energy as I look around the others socializing and try to figure out what's really going on -- and for most people it's instinct, not even afterthought. A positive aspect of this, though, is that those for whom being social isn't instinct, find themselves in a peculiar position: being able to consciously recognize and perhaps provide commentary on things that are going wrong in a social setting that those who pay attention to it by instinct might not notice.
I realize that one of the main causes of my social issues is that I was never allowed to be very social as a kid; I hung around people as a sidepiece for my parents. That's all the experience I had. I'm having to learn it all from scratch, and so late in the game. As Nina has said, it often takes me a long time to pick up one small aspect, and seems like others are light years beyond me. Most people will find you strange and unapproachable if your understanding and use of social behaviors isn't fluid and natural. I guess this gives me more time to catch up on my reading?
My father had NPD. He was aggressive, violent and a woman hater. I am female and I stood up to him... and got a lot of hidings and abuse. Also the family scapegoat, but I don't feel like a victim; more like a fighter!
I would like to talk and be heard but I must have some sort of vibe that says "you are more important than me" as I am constantly around people who blab on and don't want to listen to me.
Some close "friends" also revealed themselves to be nutty narcissists - very hurtful.
I'm getting better at spotting them, anyhow!
I completely empathize with being socially 'hung up'. It's only after the first year with Codepentents Anonymous that I've even started letting go of hang ups.
None of us deserved to suffer the hell we did. No wonder we're all so screwed up. Every last one of us deserves a mountain of compassion.
Peace.
I had severe performance anxiety thanks to my bully dad. I rarely spoke, was labeled slow cus I couldn't read outloud in class or do math problems on the board, didn't have the career I wanted cus I was too afraid of making a mistake. It took me over 40 years to almost get over it. Now it's too late to make up for the things I missed out on.
Oh my god, you just described me! Aside from you being an extrovert, sadly nature didn't help me with that. Im quite in nature to begin with, so my dad being a narcassist damaged my social skills down extremely low. I still feel drained talking on the phone, I hate leaving voice messages, I used to hate eating infront of other people. I would hide my mouth behind my hand the entire time I ate anything. I hated standing up infront to go to the bathroom infront of others. I don't know how to make small talk, and always direct the conversation around myself.
I know I do this, I dislike it but have no knowledge as to how to talk to someone otherwise. Its gotten better since dad moved out of the country, but it still lingers. Im severly antisocial. I just can't ever understand why anyone would be interested in me enough to be my friend.
Sorry I need to reread what I write.
"I hated standing up infront to go to the bathroom infront of others."
should be
"I hate having to get up to go to the bathroom in say the movie theater or someplace where I have to ask to be excused for being in their way."
I have this massive fear that Im pestering others just by existing.
To the Anon from August 5, your comment resonated with me:
"I have this massive fear that I'm pestering others just by existing."
I simply CANNOT shake this very same feeling. My father was the N who consistently treated me as if I was the annoying pest, yet expected me to excel in everything. I'd be left alone for long periods of time under the guise of "quality time" while he'd go putz around on the other side of the house or entertain his wife who hated me even more.
You just put into words what I couldn't for so long! I'm sorry this happened to you, and to everyone. But we can heal. Good luck, you guys.
@Babbling Brooke:
Not sure if you will read this, BUT I agree with Nina about shutting down being related to how we were raised. I would encounter heated group discussions and literally shut down, like I was blocking all the thoughts going into my head (or even hide in a bathroom and start crying!). I later realized it was because I was stressed out, and this was something I learned from my n-parent. This parent would continually yell at me for everything I've done, and I'd just crack. I'd stop responding, answering questions, and engaging with the n-parent. In very worse cases (rare), I'd even go into crying fits of hysteria. All this because I knew I'd lose to the n-parent.
It helps to recover by having a job or being out in the world, in my opinion. There, you get to see that 1/3 of the people like you, 1/3 won't, and that 1/3 really don't care, LOL. You also get to observe healthier ways of treating other people and negotiating without the yelling.
If anything, I need to get back to volunteering or take some interpersonal communications classes.
For me, what has worked to alleviate my social anxiety and lack of ability is ... sheer repetition. That's right. Getting out there and socializing again and again, and ignoring some of my failures. In order to get over a lot of this, we can retrain ourselves so that we don't expect constant judgment from others, until we finally are able to relax and are able to be natural. :)
I sought out books on how to talk to people effectively, on manners and ettiquette, on learning to say 'no', and on boundaries. I also learnt about personality types, and the different ways people feel loved, eg 5 love languages. These last few books also help with how to relate to people.
When I found something I needed to work on I would practice it. Funnily enough I began with people on supermarket checkouts. Just asking if their day has been
busy or slow, to get a very short conversation started.
This was all long before I knew about narcissism, but I knew something was very wrong with my mother and sibling, and that I was socially inept, because of it and
because we were a socially isolated family.
My spouse also helped as a sounding board, and now I know we are both adult children of narcissists, but with differences in some of our relating. We complement each other in some ways, and in some ways we were deficient in the same things, so as we learnt we both practced. We also read up on what is normal behaviour for men and for women, and how they speak and act differently, and that hashelped our understng ofeach other and others as well
Many years later I still think of myself as somewhat socially inept, but not as bad as I was, so get by quite well now.
Many years of little contact with the n's in my life have
given me mucjh time to observe normal people and to be around them.
One thing that I used to do but do no longer, was, in an ongoing group situation, like a club, was to seek out the socially and emotionally cold people and try to get them to interact with me or respond positively. Now, this horrifies me, and now I see how inept I was and how insidious being brought up by a narcissist is. Now i see them for what they are and stay clear. If the narcissist is very influential or charismatic in that group, i move on and leave.I'm not prepared to spend my life around narcissists or their enablers/sychophants.
My spouse and I both have relating issues - learned behaviours from our n-parents that hurt each other when they come out, but we continually work on our relationship
together and we get through. We continually both work on overcoming relating weaknesses, and we're very honest with each other. Gradually we have both improved over the years, and generally trust each other's judgement on most things . It's knowing what we differ on and allowing the other person to have different viewsthat helps then. It's understanding that men and women react differently to things that helps us then understand what is normal.
I am so glad I found this blog. I have just recently cut ties with my 85 year old N father. My mother died 7 years ago; and having nothing to do with his kids before but to humiliate and beat them into submission all of sudden starting acting like we were his best friends because he hasn't any, not a single one, not even extended family will have anything to do with him. All my life either made to feel "not good enough" or “little miss high horse” too big for her britches. My father was violent and blamed my mother’s anxiety on us, not his temper; I knew better. I was close to her, really being her parent when I got older. I am the youngest and I took and take all the crap my siblings dish out and blame me for so they look good to him. I was the one who stood up to him, not the big brother the littlest sister. I cut my sisters off years ago also, I won't be treated like that. I look back at my young years and remember how afraid I was of him, now that I'm grown I feel free because I know he had to be scary he's too stupid to break anyone with his intelligence. But of course, I'm good enough to clean his house for him...not anymore never again. He hates his grand children and everyone’s an idiot. He made his bed and what's the karma? He screamed at everyone to shut up and leave him alone and now he can't hear. I am a fighter and although I was told for years I am a “nobody”, this nobody is going back to school at 50! One of the BIGGEST reasons (I think) we with N parents have such a hard time overcoming the torment is guilt. Society has its ways and means of doing and seeing situations so we feel guilty doing what’s right for us because we were told ALL the things a child shouldn’t be told to be nurtured and our spirits get broken. People say Oh no! How could you separate from your own family? I say...you want them? People do not need to know and will judge regardless. Love to you all, really.
i grew up with n.p's and have a sister who has just been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, at the age of 38,the efects of this has affected me and other family members in so many ways,my life has been all about giving up my needs for everybody elses and i feel like i've been walking round and round and round a spindled staircase and never getting to the end, in fact i used to dream that very thing, my head is comletely worn out,it's like someone has taken a whisk and stirred it round in my head until i'm totally mash potatoed,i've been bullied humiliated ostracised persecuted demonised the lot,now i feel like i'm playing the martyr though i'm just trying to give you a sense of where i'm coming from as i'm 100% convinced you'll know what i'm talking about,i wish there were other folk who have gone through the same chaotic turbulant life, i could talk too,the only way i learned to get some peace was to shut myself away,i would'nt answer the door or the phone in case it was them,i basically became a recluse,i'm so lucky i have such a good husband of 20 years and a lovely son just turned 19 today,it's good that i did go on to make long lasting great relationships,though i will say at times even they been ready to blow there stack,i'm grateful that when i was young i had my maternal grandmother to turn too we are still very good friends to this dayand she's 85 now...i was lucky that there were good role models around that i could learn from and turn too,but all i want these days is a quiet happy peacful life,gardening and knitting,nature and caring about our planet are my therapy and self preservation,i'm lucky i have a strong spirit and always come back fighting,i have my dark days,but for the most part i get on with life and tell myself there are others with far worse than i ever had to put up with,i did a lot of research to help me understand the disorder and to understand my family members better,i feel sadness and a kind of grief for them because it would seem they dont know what it's like to be truly happy and content,dont get me wrong i'm not pulling them down,i just feel sadness,that really it's there mindset and to my mind they always seem stuck and have never been able to move forward and grow and ...i could ramble all night,about this topic,but i fear i'll bore the pants of you all,but i comprehend with so much of what has been written here and i thank you all it has been very informative and helpful in more ways than you'll ever know,so thankyou very kindly for sharing all the best a sincere well wisher from the u.k
thank you for this blog and thanks to all for your comments.
It is incredibly hard to accept the fact, at least in my case, that my parents used (and abused) rather than loved me. And in my family, their was a 'golden child', a scapgoat(me) and two semi-used other siblings.
It is wonderful to connect with people 'who get it'. Makes the mixed up mental chaos of wondering why recognizable for the senseless life stealing action it is-they, any npd person, are not worth it.
Love to all of you-none of us are alone, really.
Wow-Just found your blog.Thank you so much.I have been trying to figure out what was wrong with me my whole life;I finally get it.I am the daughter of a N Mother. I can no longer call her Mom, she never was one.Like others have written, I was brainwashed or hypnotized to believe I was good for nothing, invisible and should stay invisible. That pain reaches down to the soul, it breaks the spirit. I suffer depression and now I know that it is all the anger that should be for her that I have turned on myself. She groomed me well. I believed that anything that ever happened that was bad was my fault. It makes me sick to think of it. It sure looks like evil to me.
I always thought that I was inadequate, but always blamed it on my mother who is very narcissistic, but didn't really realize until recently that my father was as well. Here I was thinking that I was one of the lucky few with parents who were still married.... God was I wrong :( I guess you have to be the strong one and persevere, life goes on. It's tough though sometimes
Evil it is, but we are all better than what they raised us to be. As long as we all realize that it's not our fault and we can move forward in our efforts to live normal and fulfilling lives and are all the better for it. Believe me, you are not alone
^Another similar experience. My icing on the cake was when n-mother refused access to my dead grandma. In the Chinese culture a photo of loved ones who have passed on are placed in temples so that descendants can connect/pay respects to them. It's an equivalent to visiting their grave - which can still be done. N-mother 'forgot' where her own mother was buried. As fate would have it, I happen to like visiting multiple temples while in Hong Kong. When I returned and shared my experiences, n-mom let slip 'oh, your grandma was buried there'. When I confront her about lying about it, she backtracked by saying she did it to avoid me going to all the hassle of getting to the temple. A hassle to visit my grandma's resting place! No matter what angle one takes or how much benefit of doubt one can look at this situation, it was a hurtful lie.
I am thankful though, that n-mom is a terrible liar. She never realizes her own contrary actions always gives herself away. That was in the good days - now, all lies are denied, unless uniformly caught out by the whole family, which is rare. I hate the lying. It's terribly unhealthy for any human being to have to put up with consistent lies as a way of life. N-parents even advocate lying as a demonstration of wittiness, and that truth-lovers are more or less imbeciles.
I'd honestly rather be truthful imbecile than a lying wit. Happily, I do believe in being a truth-loving wit :D.
Very interesting that others here are good at tuning people out, socially inept, feel uncomfortable in groups, isolated growing up. My parents had my fathers colleagues over for dinner parties, but I don't have too many memories of my mother having friends over to hang out, or friends and their families. As my Npd mother got older she got a bit nicer, and actually made a friend, this woman had a party and invited all the kids too. I must have been 12 at the time and my parents actually said something like, wow why on earth would she want to have a party and invite everyone's kids? I thought this woman was the greatest thing on earth, I loved her for that, and was quite upset when she died at an early age from a heart condition. I think she may have been my mothers only best friend as an adult.
Any one else have any comments on whether their Narcissistic parents had close friends or friends that would come over to hang out? And by this i mean real friends not say dinner parties or people for a church function? Or were they pretty isolated?
I have had the unpleasant experience of dealing with a narcissistic mother who is the ex-wife of my partner. She has a psych degree and uses these mind games on everyone around her especially on her children. When that doesn't work she bullies, threatens, intimidates and demeans you. If this doesn't work she starts crying with the poor me and everyone is picking on me saying that you are doing to her what she is/has done to you. The last thing she will do is stalking you and getting personnel info on you to use against you legally or the work place.
If you come across a person like this run away fast they will only destroy you like she has almost done to her eldest child and are currently working on the two other children.
She has successfully pushed away all of her friends and there are only two left that she still has total control over i.e. believes her bs.
The only thing left to do is to try legally to stop my partners visitation with her fabrication and reinventing the truth.
The only way out of this is to walk away from the children and disappear until they are old enough to want to see the truth.
How did u get free?
I have spent my entire youth taking care of a co dependent Mother who suffered from MS and my Narcissist father. She died a year ago and I find myself lost, angry and alone. I have continued to choose friends and relationships with other Narcissist. I have few friends, no job and am single. My father survived my Mother and is financially supporting me. He makes sure to keep in touch so as to brag and rub his N girlfriend in my face. I cant believe it took 42 years to figure this out about him. I use to think it was me. I am dyslexic and though my discomfort with crowds, anxiety and general fear were a result of that and me being not quiet "right" but I realize that my parents exploited this in me so I could be transformed into a Please machine. Anyhow, Im headed back to school and have freed my life of toxic people who only wanted to control me.Progress but I feel very alone.
i could never trust my parents I tried but was always betrayed. Later, I tried to trust partner and friends but again the same thing I end up abandoned or betrayed. Is there anyone in this world I can trust before I die?
I've reached 40 and have a narccistic mother and submissive father I've only just emerged as a person out of the mess I believed all the criticism and turned to class A drugs after using alcohol as my main escape from self hatred I'm learning and growing I don't think I'll ever get rid of my mothers hateful poison but distancing myself is the only way forward
My entire life was consumed by narssisstic parents and sister. Ive just recently broke free from them unfortunely They've dragged my daughter into ther game for yrs. Just trying to move on...I was and still am thier scapegoat and would still be their slave and plaything if I let them...
I grew up with a narcissistic father. I was scared my entire childhood and was not comfortable around him a single day. I learned to try and do the things he wanted or try and not make him mad without much success. He was extremely manipulative and verbally abusive but thankfully never hit us. I was told I would never amount to anything and was setting myself up for failure. At age 41, I read the traits of narcissistic personality disorder and realized the traits fit my father perfectly. A lack of empathy and he was never wrong. I was the sensitive "Scapegoat" of the three kids. I felt anger but relief at the same time knowing he had a serious personality disorder. I grew up with low self esteem and depression. My heart goes out to all souls who grew up with a narcissistic parent because they will scar you for life. My advice is to get away or distance yourself as much as possible. It takes much time to heal emotional wounds but it can be done even though the scars remain.
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