An anonymous reader stopped by and posted this question to the teenager with the narcissistic mother:
"do you have any advice on how to make a teenager see that their mother is a manipulative, emotional vampire.."
I decided to post it because it's a very interesting question. Is it possible to help a teenager recognize their parent is narcissistic if they haven't yet figured it out? Are there any risks to doing so? What do you think?
Shoot, I can't remember exactly where I read this...in which book...but it addressed that question. The answer was basically to give the child/teenager a safe place to explore his feelings after an "encounter" with the narcissistic parent...to mirror back to them their state of mind. For example, "you seem very upset right now." To be there to reassure the child they've done nothing wrong and, mostly, to listen non-judgmentally so they feel safe to continue talking about the n-parent so it doesn't feel the other adult is attacking their parent.
Easier said than done because I'm sure you just want to ring that parent's neck and call her every name in the book! If I remember where I read this, I'll post it.
At least your step-son has some people in his life who have his best interests at heart and who will see him for who he is!
11 comments:
Has the teenager ranted about his mother to his friends before? I remember doing this a lot in high school. Or, you could talk with his friends to see what they think of his mother. Maybe he subconsciously knows that something is wrong with his mother, but he has not fully realized how bad it is.
I remember being in utter despair over what my parents demanded of me, and me wondering why my parents were so angry with me. How I wasn't even doing bad things (smoking, drugs, skipping school, etc.) and yet I was still feeling terrible for not meeting their expectations. Like I was committing a crime, but I had no idea what that crime was.
Writing a journal can help too. Or something similar to 'morning pages' mentioned in Julia Cameron's "The Artist's Way". There's a section about people who are 'crazymakers'. Narcissists fit right into that description.
Basically writing down your rants can help you realize (when you go back to read them), what is hurting you. You are writing for you. If you write into a notebook and if no one else reads it you have complete privacy.
He does not rant about his mother to us. In fact, he (15) and his sister (13) are very careful to not say anything at all about either what she does or how it makes them feel. It's so obvious how they ignore it that friends of mine have commented how bizarre it is that they never bring it up or ask questions. I suspect this is from years of being told not to say anything to anyone. Also, they have witnessed her physically and verbally attacking others which in turn teaches them to fear her because subconsciously they know they could be next. Classic controlling behavior.
I think the fact that he's a boy makes it more difficult. Boys don't usually want or even know how to talk about their feelings most of the time. His parents are divorced (and remarried) so maybe he doesn't want to betray loyalties. I don't know what the reason is, but I do know that she has hurt him over and over, will do or say anything to the children to get at their father then turn around and play the victim so they feel sorry for her. She makes no sense, uses tactics to confuse them, and wears them down until they do exactly what she wants. It's heartbreaking to watch her reduce a beautiful, happy boy to tears in a 5 minute phone call...and yet he still talks to her, still tells her he loves her, still apolgizes when he's done nothing wrong.
If we tell him that she's a crazy, manipulative psycho he may resent us. If we tell him that she's ill he may let her off the hook and make excuses for her. If we tell him that this is what he should expect for the rest of his life from her unless he cuts her off completely he may hold on tighter. I just want him to recognize what she's doing and find a way to deal with her before he's 40 years old and on one of these sights telling people how he spent his whole life trying to please her and it took 40 years and many failed relationships to figure it all out.
I want to help him see her for what she is and spare him the grief.
When your parent is a narcissist you always have nagging doubt about yourself. Only need a little nudge to see that YOU are not the problem but they are. Ask why, I guess how it makes him/her feel. Talk with focus on them, since they are never allowed.
Someone to talk to is the most important , keeping a journal will more likely lead to it being snooped through by the N and feed the emotional vampirism further.
Ask him to compare her to his friends mothers, a normal family does NOT have the amount of pressure and tearing of self that he is experiencing.
I'm sixty-four and just becoming fully aware of my parents as narcissists and the damage they have done. When I was younger this was the only family dynamic I experienced first hand so I accepted it as normal.
In order to take back my life, I've had to basically change who I am. This has been enormous for me and extremely stressful. These kids will definitely need professional help and support in order to cope.
"These kids will definitely need professional help and support in order to cope." I agree with that. Also, a therapist as an objective third party would likely be the best person to help him see his mother through objective eyes. I'd see if he'd be willing to see a therapist to talk things over with. Be sure to assure him that there is nothing wrong with him. You could say that the therapist might help him with how to talk to his mother and cope with stress.
Some great insight...and wonderful advice offered here!
My (older teenage) daughters had lots of male friends who'd hang out and I watched these boys go through high school...and I was totally amazed at how much the kids matured between 14/15 to around 18 when they graduated...
When the boys were 15...to me...they were like kinda goofy kids...or really shy...I mean, they'd ask for cookies and band aids for skate boarding accidents...now, they're more confident and seem to express themselves with greater ease. So in a couple years...with your help and support and perhaps a therapist...I bet he'll have a much better perspective on his (odious!) mother.
Don't underestimate that you too might benefit from a therapist...to vent...because narcissists create so much drama and tension and you're left to pick up the pieces. I'd be walking around in a state of rage...
i've just discovered this blog...
gotta run some errands right now so can't read it properly, but it definately looks like something that'll help me deal with my parents!!
I'm 21 and never been away from my parents for more than 2 days.. My parents are narcissitic, and being the eldest child, it always comes down hardest on me, but I can see it affecting my younger sisters over these past few years. I really want to help my sisters not end up with all the mental health problems and self-loathing I've ended up with, so I'm going to be checking out this blog for bits of advice!!
I've just started reading this blog. I didn't understand what was wrong with my home. I only knew that it wasn't like Disney movies and that my parents didn't say all those things they ought to say like How was school? and How was the test? How narcissism affects children and teens is subtle. How was I to know back then that not being allowed to feel anything except what my parents felt was an obliteration of my personal identity and that I was being treated as a mini-me? There are obvious abuses like being hit that children can tell are wrong, but there are so many things they just don't realise are wrong until they are much older. I think the only way to help is to answer questions truthfully and to nurture and encourage individuality. If there needs to be a set up, maybe that would help to - demonstrate between your own children how they are allowed and encouraged to have different opinions and feelings to your own and that you enjoy seeing that they are not merely one of your goods and chattels to be treated and controlled how you believe they should be. At least this would help open their eyes to seeing a different kind of family relationship.
I was the Golden child, then moved out and became the Scapegoat..
along with my girlfriend, we tired to appease the goddess, (mom) for ten years.. until i realized that i was hopeless.. it caused so much grief and trauma to our relationship, that i decided enough is enough and had to put up a distance.
If someone told me their own experiences of growing up with an N, to show me mom was an abusive loon N-C, it would have saved me from a painful wasted life. Not that anyone had to tell me she was nuts, but to tell me it had nothing to do with me.
Nice sshare
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