A sixteen-going-on-seventeen year old stopped by and had a question. Her mother, she says, is narcissistic and she's worried that she'll be that way, too.
A few other kind readers offered wise words of reassurance. I'll echo them. Nah, don't worry about it. If you were headed down that path, it probably wouldn't even occur to you because you'd have little self-awareness. If...if...you occasionally acted in a self-centered way and didn't like that about yourself, you can change that by simply being more mindful. I suspect, instead, you'll always be hypervigilant guarding against becoming narcissistic and will "err" on the side of being a super good listener, supportive, overly responsible, etc. Just my two cents, but I'd be more worried about becoming co-narcissistic than narcissistic at this point!
Because there are readers who stop by who were more recently teenagers than moi and even us oldsters can remember so clearly what it's like to deal with a narcissistic parent during the teenage years, here's a bit of what this young woman shared. It would be lovely if you could give her some feedback:
my n-mother seems hell bent on guilt tripping me and listing all the things she's done for me. it could be the 'teenage phase', as they call it, im going through but i disagree as she is exrtremely controlling and self-absorbed - to the point where she blamed me for a car accident she had because she was continuously complaining about me. NOTE: at this time i was in an exam during school. i came home to find her waiting for me so she vent out her anger at me and give me a lecture over the problems i'd caused. i'm the reason she has a bad knee, the reason she gets angry most of the time - lets say all bad stuff. i get very frustrated as im not allowed to participate much in outside activities and she very much told me straight up that im not allowed to have a social life.yes, teenage problems but my frustration is beginning to worry me and cut into my abilities in performing in life/school:sleep deprivation. spent many years trying to make our relationship work but how is one possible if there is only one talking and directing it?
First, I admire your initiative in researching the problem. Obviously, you are a very intelligent young woman capable of being proactive.
Your biggest problem...at this point...due to your very young age is what you're going to do now that you've identified the problem. I mean, it's one thing to be out of the house and deal with it then, it's another that you are still a minor (with legitimate needs) dependent upon a self-centered mother.
Rosa had a great suggestion...I agree...let your fingers ZOOM across the keyboard to click on the daughters of narcissistic mothers website link.
I have no idea what your health care situation is. Some families have mental health insurance that would cover therapy. Is it possible to find out if you have access to such services? You could say you are feeling a tad anxious or worried about insomnia and would like to talk to a professional (be prepared for your mother to make that into her drama). Perhaps you could ask your high school counselor (only if you trust that person) for a recommendation for free teen counseling services.
I think it would be highly beneficial for you to see a real person/therapist who could listen to your concerns. While the online world is a wonderful, safe place....I can't tell you how much I loved my therapist, how nurturing and supportive she was...and how much I gained from just...you know...talking without being interrupted for once!
Just joking...but you are a mighty powerful person if you can give your mother a BAD KNEE!
Hah! I was responsible for my mother's bad back! I can sooooo relate! RIDICULOUS!!!
What do you mean you are not allowed to have a social life? Are you a sophomore, junior? Do you think your mother will allow you more social opportunities when you're a bit older? Is there a cultural reason behind this? For example, some of my daughter's friends are Persian or Asian and their parents are much stricter than, say, I am.
That said, you mentioned lots of behaviors that take me right back to my own teenage years...and made me cringe! It's so awful to have to tiptoe around...fearing what you'll be blamed for next...and to feel like you are TRIPWIRED to your mother's central nervous system!
17 comments:
By the time I was 17 I was the family's unpaid housekeeper and nanny. I was not allowed to wear make-up, date or have any kind of social life. Other than school, the only place I went alone was to babysit neighbors' children and what money I made was turned over to my mother. This made me ill prepared to face the world alone as I did at age nineteen.
I agree that approaching a school counselor is a good route to go or perhaps there are trusted relatives that can help out. Meanwhile, work on developing the skills needed for independence. Even something as simple as learning to take public transit can help later on.
That's a really great, positive point, Mulderfan....to develop skills needed for independence.
When you are sixteen, it's hard to imagine a time when you will be on your own...but it's amazing how one day you're 16...and the next you're suddenly no longer a teenager!
I really admire the advice here. Seeking counsel is a great idea. I'd also recommend some of the chapters in Toxic Parents, especially the stuff on confronting the parent.
I left home at 18. My mother could do nothing about it but constantly remind me of how I hurt her and how I could always return home etc. I felt that at least I was out of that place, but as I got older, the appeals to my pity amplified - NPD doesn't go away of its own accord. If the relationship can't be confronted and dealt wit, consider leaving home, because staying there doesn't mean you'll get support through university - there's a real danger you'll have to go it alone, and when at least slightly older than the usual age.
If you're worried about being a narcissist (and I've had this concern at times when I've acted less than nice), just the fact that you're worried about it ensures you're not a narcissist.
I did have some sort of informal therapy during college. As part of the healthcare provided by the university, I got 3 free visits with a 'therapist'. I think the person I visited was more of a student training to be a therapist. She never identified what was wrong with my parents, but she did listen to me and did not judge me. I didn't continue after the 3 free visits, but it did help a lot to be able to vent in real life.
Jeff made some excellent points...I'd like to add my two cents:
1) ultimately, it may not be possible to work it out with your mother. she simply may not be capable. if i'd tried such a thing with my father, he would have immediately gone into victim mode/"everybody is against me." If I tried it with my mother - and occasionally I did - she insisted there was nothing wrong with her...and that I was cold and selfish. Try as I might, I could not shift her from this position.
Giving up on trying for a real, meaningful mother-daughter relationship is very painful...some of us banged our head against that wall for a long time!
2) It's not too early to begin planning an exit strategy by way of that most acceptable routes to leaving home: college. Focus on your classes (sounds like you are a conscientious student) and try not to allow your mother to interfere with your success or plans. Emotionally detach to protect yourself. If there's a college counselor, make her your ally. Don't be afraid to confide in her that you're worried you may not receive the financial and emotional support for college and that you need to plan accordingly and require guidance. (Your mother may be a huge fan of going away to college...dunno...controlling parents seem to have a real problem with this transition and seem to try to screw up their kids chances).
I agree that counseling might be helpful. I also agree with Pisces6 that the fact you're even concerned about becoming a narcissist means you're not one. Also, although there are theories, no one knows exactly what causes NPD. There is no evidence that children of NPDs are no more likely to become NPDs than anyone else. One theory says that NPD results from extremes in child rearing, while more recent research indicates there could be neurological causes. It may be that there are several things that could cause NPD. A few days ago, an interesting study indicating that our brains have a "fairness spot" came out. I naturally wondered whether Ns or people with other personality disorders have damage to this part of their brains. Here is a link to that study: http://www.livescience.com/culture/brain-response-unfair-situtations-100224.html
Try to remember that you are not the one who is defective. The great thing is that you are learning about this while still young and can use that knowledge to help you live a better, more fulfilled life without the N parent controlling you well into adulthood.
hi - this is 'teenager with narciccistic mother' - thank you for the advice. i never thought i might ever need my school counsellor - i'm terrified of the thought but im going to give it a try anyways; my sanity is at risk. i feel relieved that NPD isn't heridatary.
again, thank you all very much.
Dear Teenager,
It IS scary...but that person should be trained and in a position to help or point you in the right direction.
Don't hesitate to ask for confidentiality.
If I....decades older with teenage daughters of my own!....felt like my sanity at one point was at risk with my n-father...I can just imagine how vulnerable you must feel.
Hang in there...GOOD LUCK!....feel free to update us.
Hi Teenager!
I agree with the advice given. Especially with planning your exit strategy now. When you are an adult, you will want to be on your own and independent of your parents as soon as you can.
If college is your goal, make this your focus! Get a job if possible so you can become financially independent as soon as possible. The better you manage your money, the sooner you will be able to live on your own.
As long as you are living with your mother, work on staying off her rage-dar. Try not to feed her emotional drama gun that she will shoot you with later. Try not to let her push your buttons. Stay emotionally nutural. If you talk with a therapist, they can help you with strategies on how to become emotionally detached and how to start setting boundaries.
I know this must be a lot to grasp all at once! You are very observant to have realized your mother has a personality disorder at your age. This is only going to help you moving forward. Stay strong and wishing you the best of luck!
OAD
Like everyone else has said, learn how to be independent so that when the time comes, you can move on with your own life. Everyone has given really great advice. Learn how to drive and learn what kind of public transportation is available. I would add know about any bank accounts or savings that you have. Complete any college applications yourself. Fill out the financial aid paperwork yourself. If you can, learn what your health insurance offers you. In my experience, it has been painful to have to take on so many adult things by yourself while still a teenage, but if you can get handle on it now, it will make your life easier and better later. If you have the opportunity I would definitely recommend speaking with a therapist you trust. It has changed my life! Wishing you all the best!
My step-son's mother is a raging narcissist. He always knew that he wasn't happy in her home, but he still doesn't want to believe there is something wrong with his mother. He is 15 now and has lived with us for 3 years. He was always the 'scapegoat' while his sister, who still lives with mum, is the 'golden child'. He is very happy with us (in another country because we can't be anywhere near her), but she is still able to pull at his emotions whenever she wants. I wish he were as observant as you are. I fear it will take him many years before he is able to accept that she is not, and will never be, the mother he wants her to be. You are miles ahead as you have recognized what your mother is all about...her self! There is no reasoning with these people so don't feel guilty, don't look back. She won't. Cut off her narcissistic supply and you'll be a much happier and healthier person for it. Don't spend your life trying to make her happy or cultivate a relationship. There is nothing you can do to help her, save her, or make her happy. And...it's not your job. By the way - as you're a teenager - do you have any advice on how to make a teenager see that their mother is a manipulative, emotional vampire?
Anonymous,
I know you addressed your question to the teenager and, hopefully, she'll respond....there are some other young people who visit here and perhaps they can offer advice, too!
"do you have any advice on how to make a teenager see that their mother is a manipulative, emotional vampire.."
Shoot, I can't remember exactly where I read this...in which book...but it addressed that question. The answer was basically to allow the child/teenager to have a safe place in which to explore his feelings after an "encounter" with the narcissistic parent...to mirror back to them their state of mind. For example, "you seem very upset right now." To be there to reassure the child they've done nothing wrong and, mostly, to listen non-judgmentally so they feel safe to continue talking about so it doesn't feel the other adult is attacking their attack.
Easier said than done because I'm sure you just want to ring that parent's neck and call her every name in the book! If I remember where I read this, I'll post it.
At least your step-son has some people in his life who have his best interests at heart and who will see him for who he is!
I still have the same worry! I came out of my relationship with my family with behaviors that actually aren't great either.
No one ever spoke to me as if I were a unique individual until I was 16 and my mom told me to go see an astrologer (because that's what she does). It was an astounding experience to be recognized with unique qualities, even if they were a bit stereotypical! :)
We're trained to think of ourselves as extensions of them, so it's natural to think the problems would be the same. My issues are different, but I do have them and I've had to learn a lot about interacting appropriately.
So the switch was going from 'Am I like mom or dad' and more about looking at my own life. You know, my unique life, because there are differences! :)
Here's an example. I was trained to be extremely critical of myself and not rely on others as that would be selfish. I was raised to be stronger than those around me, so that's who I'd befriend, people who had problems or who had big dreams and just needed 'a little support'. Then I'd get tired of their problems or having to be the strong one and confront them. I'd either leave them behind or they would disappear.
I have a list of things to watch for and one of them is being drawn to people I think have potential. People who were busy realizing their potential and had it on the ball were a little intimidating to me, they didn't need me. 'People as projects' is really disrespectful and destructive for everyone involved.
I work in a company with people who are very together. That has taught me so much personally and professionally. Life is a lot easier and more fun around people who are strong too.
So everyone has their thing! Probably if you're here it's not your parent's thing! :)
I stumbled across this article while looking for help dealing with my mother. She doesn't have full blown narcissism, but does have many of the traits. The only factor she doesn't have is the lack of empathy. While she does seem to understand how someone is feeling she doesn't show much of a desire to act accordingly. She claimed that I was bipolar (psycologists determined that I was not, but she still insisted that I was the one with a problem. We went from one psycologist to another, each learned the truth, and, without telling me, notified my mother and she decided to leave. She enroled me in taekwondo knowing that my instructor was brilliant, and could solve the problem. Basicaly she thought he would be a new psycologist. However, my enrolement included a two year contract. When my instructor found out the truth she couldn't quit. My parents got divorced and now I have to spent half my time at my mom's with my sister who is nicer but very similar in many ways. Taekwondo has become my escape. I go for about two hours a day six days a week. While my instructor is a briliant man, I am not sure if he is sure just how severe the problem is or just has very high expectations of me. He thinks I should act normaly and respect her, I find this imposible given that she doesn't respect me.
I find that the best thing to do is take any excuse to leave, especialy during an outburst. Go to another room and watch tv or go for a walk. As I mentioned earlier I find that sports or other extra curicular activities are a great release. Also, if you accept that nothing can be done and that your parent has done all they can and found succes in life (has a family raised a child), you may then find ways to respect them. They have succeded despite all the odds against them. I believe that any teen with narcissistic parents who is aware of the situation has an advantage, in order for you to figure it out you have to be very smart and will now know to look for the condition in others.
I am hoping to live full time with my dad as soon as my sister graduates high school. I live in the country and have fiew neighbors to go to. I am 14 and about to enter my 2nd year of high school, my sister will be a senior. When dealing with a narcissist you must learn to cherish any progress a massive leap.
I was responsible for my mother's varicose veins.
I was not allowed to have a social life because that meant my mother would have to drive me places, pick me up, come to extracurricular performances or G-d forbid have to spend any money on me.
I never had much of a social life. I was allowed to play in the marching band because she always wanted to play an instrument. She bitched about having to get me after practice or paying money for extras. I wasn't allowed private lessons, only kids in private lessons got 1st chair and solos, because she never had money for extras (but only for me, my brother got all he ever wanted while I was yelled at for being so greedy).
I wanted to leave the state to go to University, but she guilted me into staying at home and attending a local University. She wanted to know why I hated her so much that I wanted to leave her. I regret never having the courage to stand up to her.
My advice, go away to school no matter what she says. Find a way. It will be better to see the situation once you are able to leave it.
I also feel that if you are aware of the problem, like you are, that is the first step in never repeating it and getting yourself strong and healthy. Good luck, I am rooting for you!
This is ironic, but I actually did enjoy talking to a therapist in high school (I cut it off because I didn't believe in antidepressants - still don't, but that's another story) for that exact same reason - finally being able to talk without being interrupted!
I enjoyed reading your blogs. You have a lot of supporters and followers as well, so keep blogging and keep sharing!
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