Ghost Parents

I'm luckier than most adult children of narcissists. I no longer have to deal with a difficult, demanding narcissistic parent and all the dilemmas and anxiety that poses.

My self-absorbed mother, who specialized in cold, punishing silences and angry outbursts, gradually softened as her Alzheimer's progressed. By her third year into the disease, she'd evolved into an entirely different person, smiling and always pleased to see me. While this transformation was a blessing, it was a mixed one. It made resolving the relationship impossible. Instead of some sort of conscious decision on my part how to proceed with my mother, I could only watch her fade away...leaving me to grapple with a lifetime of bad memories and all sorts of uncomfortable feelings.

My childlike narcissistic father became worse with the onset of Lewy Body dementia, what few filters he possessed zapped by this progressive disease of the frontal lobes. If he was difficult before the dementia, he became exponentially challenging afterward. It was like the Perfect Storm...a man with little judgment who says whatever he likes, no matter how hurtful, is impacted right smack in the judgment center of the brain! A visit with him required a thicker skin than an elephant. I watched in amazement as he managed to infuriate a geriatric doctor...who dumped my father as a patient.

But now, my father too has finally faded. He's still unpleasant and occasionally mean, but he's too far gone to pick up the phone and harass me. He's lost the power to make my daily life miserable. He's become a ghost while still living.

Here's the thing. My narcissistic parents continue to haunt me. What they did. What they didn't do. I think of them off. Daily. Whenever I see parents with children, walking the neighborhood, at the store. When I'm with my own daughters, seeing one off to college, the other through a tough break-up, these milestones trigger some terrible and sad memories that come unbidden.

Maybe this is another phase. Maybe it's the final phase before finally Letting Go. Maybe my father will have to die first before I can put this long and painful chapter behind me.