This is actually an ad promoting adoption in India. It's several years old now. As an adoptee, I found it disturbing.
Now, I've come to think of it as one of the best depictions of the parentified child.
Just looking at the photo makes me feel anxious, uneasy and....trapped.
For as long as I could remember, my father has been needy and childlike...more like a 13-year old boy than a man. He'd follow me around the house, talking, talking, talking. I'd have to go to the bathroom to escape the chatter.
I have an ongoing debate with a childhood friend about the characteristics of narcissistic families.
Many of the things I cite as examples of self-centered behavior are attributable - she says - to culture. In specific, our Latino culture in which children, especially girls, are expected to place family above all other considerations. That we were, culturally, expected to be our mother's companion and that, even after marriage, stay close to home to continue our caretaking duties. College had not been an option for them and, for us, was considered unnecessary and frivolous.
This is a tough question.
What's a somewhat normal, acceptable level of parentification within a culture...and when does it cross the line into something closer to pathological?
On the one hand, you could look at my parents - second generation Mexicans - and say they were like that because they'd been raised poor, were undereducated and pretty ignorant and treated me like chattel...because they knew no better and that's how the culture treated kids. (I've read that, besides Latinos, there's a lot of parentification in Asian and African American family systems)
Then again, my father was late-in-life diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder so in my case, maybe it's a combination of both: pathology and culture.
Sometimes - as in mine - culture seems like a big, fat excuse for the inexcusable...a sort of denial...an "Oh well, they didn't mean it, they really loved you."
But it didn't feel like that. I didn't feel loved. If a parent loved you, wouldn't they visit you in the hospital when you were sick? Wouldn't they be there for you when you needed comfort or reassurance? Couldn't they pull it together long enough to see you through a crisis? If the answer is no, they didn't, then I'm guessing there's something more than culture to explain it.
17 comments:
I had a golden retriever with better parenting instincts than my parents. Culture doesn't cut it, when even animals nurture and protect their young!
There is a big difference between being expected to care for parents when you are grown versus having to do it when you are a child. Another difference is that the narcissistic parent denies their child the ability to develop her own identity. The child of a narcissistic parent never experiences unconditional love. The child of a narcissistic parent suffers psychological injuries from which she may never fully recover, and oftentimes those injuries serve the selfish needs of the parent. If a child is too insecure in her identity and abilities to forge her own life, she may have no choice but to stick close to home, which is what the parent wants. There is a huge difference between family caring for each other out of cultural tradition versus going through the motions out of dysfunction. Do the children of those cultures get birthday parties? Do they get praised when they get good grades? Do they get reprimanded for things that are beyond their control? I don't think the two situations compare at all. People who haven't experienced what it's like growing up with a narcissistic parent can never fully understand that experience.
MULDERFAN,
The way you put it made me chuckle..but it's sadly true, some parents seem to lack parenting instincts giving little Betsy her bottle or keeping Johnny from running into the street.
ANONYMOUS,
I agree with you...although there does seem to be some acceptance - in the psych literature - for culture-bound parentification...
but you brought up some major points on the difference between caring for parents at different life stages.
It's often a lesson in frustration to engage in a conversation with someone who does NOT have a narcissistic parent. They simply can't fathom the lack of any real regard or love for the child...if the child is not able to meet their needs.
I agree there is a huge difference between having a family-centric culture that values close connections and helping each other out. Sometimes it goes to the extreme where women are held back, etc etc but I don't think it compares at all to npd parents. I used to caulk up my parent's behavior to culture (my mom is old world yugoslovian) but if you really look at old world cultures, they put a lot of love and effort into children - maybe a little too much.
For children of npds, there is none. I don't even think we not only know what unconditional love is, I question whether we learned about love at all. At least for me.
Anonymous, not having birthday parties really struck a cord with me ;) It took me until I was in my 30's to give myself permission to have parties and now I go all out to make up for never having any!!! :D
Katgrrl,
You wrote:
"It took me until I was in my 30's to give myself permission to have parties and now I go all out to make up for never having any!!!"
Oh no! That's really sad...not having birthdays parties as a child! (I got them when I was little and compliant, but the pictures are mostly of my stunning mother, mmmm). I guess that fell into the category of Just Too Much Trouble for self-centered parents. It doesn't take lots of money either, sheesh, it can be a few kids and some cupcakes...kids really don't care.
I love the way you're reclaiming that major oversight...by giving yourself parties and enjoying them! I do that now by making plans for little trips...allowing myself to enjoy the process...knowing my father is finally incapable of ruining vacations or time with my family! It's joyous!
Good for you for making up those parties now, Katgrrl. I did usually get cake but never a party with my friends. The worst thing though is that I distinctly remember both my older and younger sisters having birthday parties with their friends (I'm also a girl). When I asked my mom if I could have a party, she said it was "too much trouble." There's lots more to my story, as there is to all of our stories. It's taken me until being in my forties to realize what was wrong with my parents. Just knowing there is a name for it and that it wasn't my fault is validating.
2/22 ANONYMOUS,
I was just reading somewhere n-parents will sometimes favor one or several children and identify one as a scapegoat, the one who doesn't get the college education or the parties or whatever like the others...ouch. So when I read your comment...was wondering if the lack of parties was part of a broader lack of other stuff?
I was also a parentified child and fear that I served as a terrible disaster in parenting my own daughter, (though she denies that to me). But our relationship is strained and distant because of the narcissism that is internalized by me, I suspect. When I see others treating their children to perfectionist expectations, I hate them for it. I have been estranged from a former client due to her rage-aholic behavior toward a 3-year-old when she thought I'd left her house to run an errand. Her behavior is rooted in narcissistic OCD, and was partly responsible for leading me to a nervous breakdown over her abuse of her own child in my presence when she thought I left to run errands she sent me one. She engineered the opportunity to abuse her child because she was angry at me and her husband over chores that had not been done the day before, and because she resented having to come home from work to "babysit" her own child. I feel so triggered to hate by her disrespecting my boundaries recently in calling me to discuss what I have no intention of discussing. She is a bully and a destructive, controlling person. I am an avoidant personality because of being a parentified child by people like her; and I probably suffer my own narcissism. And it is suffering and isolation, to be sure.
Joy,
First, to your great credit...you express concern that you've developed some narcissistic traits as a result of being a parentified child.
I suspect that this is something most of us adult children of narcissists all worry about at some point...to varying degrees. I can look back when I was younger and cringe thinking of times when I did act in an oblivious, self-centered way.
That said, I am sure my father never had a single moment where such a disturbing doubt ever crossed his mind...he was simply incapable of being truly empathetic...he did not care how he impacted others....he could ONLY see how others impacted him.
If you are concerned about having narcissistic traits...and possess the gift of self-awareness!...then I believe it is in your power to reign them in...to change...I'm always asking myself stuff like...am I being a good friend?...have I listened as much as I've talked?....did I allow my daughter to talk without interrupting or turning the subject back to me...am I "mirroring" her feelings (my kids are older teens and it's not too late...it's NEVER too late to begin this!)
It sounds like you're having a very hard time with being "all churned up"....this is simply an AWFUL feeling and pretty exhausting. I used to get very churned up...triggered by self-centered "legacy" friends. It took a long time and a lot of work how to emotionally detach and identify self-centered types so I could make a decision regarding how much I wanted to interact with them and on what terms.
I'm Asian, and yes, I can see how the culture can parentify the child. A child is supposed to give proper respect to elders (this applies to everyone older than the child) and in return, the elder is supposed to spoil the child. 'Spoil' as in, make the child happy. I think it's supposed to be a reciprocal relationship, but it can be easily abused.
The child isn't supposed to talk back or criticize the elder. Elders are expected to punish a bad child as necessary, but as far as I know, there are no limits to the actual punishment. (If there are, I certainly don't know them.) Unfortunately my parents have often used culture as a means to get things they think they deserve without any repercussions. A "I win and you can't argue about it" card, since it would mean I am against my own culture.
Thus they've done something that I suppose, any normal person would be horrified. I have no special love for my culture. I actually feel embarrassed about being Chinese because I'm not fluent in the language. (It's my fault for not being fluent apparently.) I know the Greek/Roman mythology better than my own Chinese mythology.
There's nothing wrong with culture, but if your parents use it as a stepping stone to do what they want with you, how is a child supposed to learn to love their own culture?
(By the way, my parents think I'm crazy for not loving the Chinese culture.)
Pisces6,
Gee...I hope you don't mind me saying this...but I thought Latina moms won hands down in the controlling parent department...until I heard stories told by my daughter's Asian friends from school: a mother who sat at the kitchen table with her 16-year old watching him do his homework! the parents who sat in on every high school math class to select the perfect teacher for their daughter! the mother who wouldn't allow her daughter to date in high school because she had to study! the parents who dictated the study hours of their high school senior!
And then...unbelievable!...during the high school trip, the girl was calling her mom on her cell phone asking permission to go to the pool or the beach!!! This poor girl's mother once called to complain - in junior year! - that her daughter had been left out of some social activity.
An Asian boy who was over when I got that call explained that some Asian parents "were just like that" and that's why he wanted to go away as far as possible to college...because he was being suffocated.
Long winded way of saying...yeah...I've seen culture-bound traditions in action (Latino and Asian)...but some behaviors slip into something far more disturbing.
Interesting that you say that about not identifying with your culture...I don't identify Latina much, either...although my daughters say I act straight-up like Carlos Mencia when I'm excited and now that I'm older...I make killer Mexican food. Dunno. I wonder if that will change as you get older, too...because our cultures held some negative associations for us.
Gee...I hope you don't mind me saying this...but I thought Latina moms won hands down in the controlling parent department...until I heard stories told by my daughter's Asian friends from school
Lol, I don't mind at all! Actually, it's a relief to know that there are other cultures (other than Asian ones) that have this problem even if it is to a lesser extent. The examples you gave don't surprise me at all.
Maybe my culture will become more pronounced as I get older, though I think it will not be from my parents. My husband is also Chinese, and his family is far more positive than mine. His parents actually treat their children as people! (What a concept!) They have faults too, but they don't mind their children criticizing them when necessary. They know how to laugh at their own faults. My parents can do it too sometimes, but I get the feeling that some of the laughter is forced. As in, the laughter is there, but they may use it as a club later when they are angry (twist around to make it look like it is proof I don't love them).
If anything, I might have a better view of my own culture thanks to my in-laws, not my parents. My parents are jealous of this and see this as betrayal. How could I spend so much time with my in-law's family? Why do I sleep over at my in-law's house all the time when I don't sleep over with them in the house I actually grew up in?! Never mind that the drive to my own parents' house was only 10-15 minutes while the drive to my in-law's place is around 45-60 minutes one way!
What's really amusing is that my parents' behavior and actions always reminds me of how the Chinese government acts! I mean... just look at all the sanctions/censorship/etc.! When people mention about how awesome China is, I just feel like staring at them in shock. Sure the people and the environment might be fine, but the government? OMG, run away!
Pisces6...
It's lovely that you've been able to connect with your in-laws...and that it's a positive relationship that you deserve! No matter how old we are, it's really nice to have another generation to look up to...even though it's not our own parents.
Oooo....the parental jealousy over the in-laws...that's very difficult to manage. When one of my daughters started spending lots of time with her boyfriend's family...I was thrilled...first, that the boy was so-family oriented...second, his mother is a savvy businesswoman and a wonderful role model for my daughter...two families acting in a supportive manner is better than one. (Now, if the parents had been, well, undesirable somehow...I'm sure I would have been less than thrilled).
I hope I never become a jealous mother type!
I believe that narcissism occurs in every culture. I am the child of a Ndad who always makes me feel guilty. It is so sad that he is the way he is. When my brother passes away ( my only one who only partied, did drugs and took my family's money), my father immortalized him and all his bad deed disappeared.That is fine. I loved my brother and only wanted to remember the best. When my father was too depressed to go on, I moved to NC to take care of him. Now that I am older and engaged, he makes me feel extra guilty about anything I do (yeah, he made me feel guilty before). All I ever hear is "If you move out, I wont be able to pay my bills." "When you move out, who is going to take care of me?" I don't understand why it has to be all about him? And then there are the days that if I am one day late on paying his power bill, all I do is get yelled at about it on a daily basis until it is payed. Since when did I lose the status of daughter and only get to be seen as a bill payer?
Oh well I guess. I identified his problem and it is not me. It is his narcissism. Now all I do is work with the dream of one day leaving him and always supporting and taking care of my children unlike both of my Nparents. I think the problem lies within their childhood. I think it has to do with how they were nurtured. For example, my father's father never loved and encouraged him, so now my father is this way with me.
Conclusions:
You can rise above your circumstances with hard work and learn from your parent's mistake. So what your parents didn't love you? Were narcissistic?
All that means is you have more love to give since your parents didn't deserve it anyways.
Pray for me though. I will be finally cutting the chains of tyranny from my Nparents in four months and getting my own place.
If they have any complaints, I might as well tolerate them, because if they see me as a selfish daughter for wanting to live her own life, I might as well not disappoint those expectations.
Wow, there is so much of narcissitic parenting around the world. Having two to deal with is like a full time job with no pay and too much pain. I lost my job and am stuck with them for dont know how long and belong to an asian culture so moving out or having a boyfriend is kind of taboo. I've been so troubled by my father's total indifference to us and utter self centric behavior, my mother who cries about my father's behavior all the time, i feel like a residue of their infatuation few years ago. Like a non living entity who could live without love or understanding. There is much pretence and drama about all this but just one layer down its all empty and self focused. I dont want to be like them, and i have done my share of narcissism before i realized and decided to change as much as possible. And the only solace i get right now is to feel that being with them is the price i am paying for my wrong doings. I wish no one has to live with unloving parents who cover all their emptiness with pretense of how great they are.
My Chinese (Malaysian) parents are classic Ns. Even when we could afford a maid, mom made sure I washed the whole family laundry (7o of us) by hand. They are misogynist, son-chasing, and god blessed them with all daughters. So they took it out on us all. I was the protesting one who dared to run away after being beaten and even attempted too often to stand up for my younger sis against evil mom caning outbursts. And in my teens, after academic and artistic talents spotted, I was assigned the family pinata role - beat the crap out of her, guilt-trip her to death with imaginary crimes, so that I will function as family ATM for the rest of my life. Even today, in our 30s and 40s, my parents continue to manipulate my siblings against one another, to extract filial debt we owe them since they day we were born. My siblings continue to suffer different effects today. After years of struggling with guilt and self-esteem issue, reading and self-therapy, I somehow survived. Today, I cut the guilt-tripping phone calls very short, though I still send them minimum non-obligatory, non-regular pocket money, to appease my internalised residue guilt demon. I have managed to tell my father off recently when he tried to bitch abt my sister again. Gollums as parents. Still, I don't hate my culture. It's the individuals that should be held morally accountable. If relatives meddle, I tell them they are fools to believe my parents, and to back off.
I see what you mean, but it kinda sucks when they do come and visit you while you were sick or whatnot and they do care... but then, 5 minutes later they say, "You weren't careful, were you?" Narcissism and culture: It's a double-edged sword for me.
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