This is my second post today. I was going to delete the last one...it felt too yucky...but decided to let it stand because, dammit, it's the way I feel about my aging narcissistic father who now has dementia. I really, truly wished I liked the man. I feel sorry for him. I'm not without sympathy and compassion, but I just can't love him. Because I don't - even at this sorry stage of his life - I feel guilty. I know I shouldn't, but I do.
Out of the whole mess that is our dysfunctional relationship...there is something positive worth noting. The fact that I have refused to pay it forward...on my daughters.
I was just reminded of this by Just Me, who wrote:
Oh yea, I was brought up being told I was lazy, selfish, ungrateful, etc. I was never told I was good at something or did a great job. I was invisible...unless of course I was annoying her...then I was raged at. And by annoying, I mean, asking for basic needs, permission to do things, eat things, go places.
......I am proud to say I have never...NEVER...caused my children to cry. What a concept!
(see Rich Inner Lives comments for full quote)
It IS a concept! It is hopeful and positive and wonderful and amazing! That we adult children of narcissists - through mindfulness - can choose not to manipulate or control or subject our children to conditional "love." To stop the madness!
Don't get me wrong. I am not a perfect parent, far from it. I've managed to annoy the hell out of my kids...all by myself...without my parents help. I've learned to apologize for my mistakes and mean it. I've never given them the cold, silent treatment to try to control them. I've done my best to listen without interrupting and let them express their feelings...even when it's highly uncomfortable because they are pissed off and raging. That said, there are days when I cringe because I know that I overreacted or mishandled something with my kids, but I keep trying to improve my parenting skills...this is a very satisfying experience...something I CAN control...me and the way I choose to behave.
12 comments:
Beautifully said. Your last paragraph says it all. That is exactly how I feel. I am so mindful of my parenting. I apologize when I am wrong. I listen to them and I take joy in their lives. I encourage and celebrate. I console and support when needed. We communicate with out manipulation, guilt and shame. There is NO way I am even capable at giving my children the silent treatment. NEVER. Why would I want to?
Out of the ashes... my mother taught me how to be a better mother.
Well, thanks for the reminder about OUR parenting, Just Me...cause I was casting about for something positive!
Don't know how old your children are, but I must admit the teenage years have been the greatest challenge...considering that I tend to take things personally and am easily influenced by the moods of others...both big no-no's when dealing with teenagers. Some emotional detachment is necessary...don't mean being uncaring or being unsupportive...but to allow them some space and to allow them to make their own mistakes without trying to rescue them or solve their problems.
Yeah...out of the ashes! You said it!..like spontaneous combustion w/a few bodies left!
You are on the right track!!
Teenagers are challenging. My kids are 20 and 22 and in college. They are young adults. They were pretty easy teenagers, I was blessed. They are still easy, it's just bigger kids, bigger issues. Helping them transition into adulthood. I think it has been all this parenting recently that brought to light my own lack of being parented.
You are right, the emotional detachment is key. It took me a few situations to learn that also. But at least we learn from our mistakes! Learn and grow.
You have so much awareness. Issues will come up. That is normal. But your wisdom and experience will help you on the road ahead!
As I get older, I am in constant dread that I'll turn out like my mother. My father was ALWAYS a nasty, unpredictable narcissistic, and while my mother was his enabler, she could also be very nurturing and great fun to be with. The older she gets the more dangerous she becomes, constantly manipulating, twisting the truth and laying on huge guilt trips. He's just pathetic when he puffs himself up and goes into one of his silly rages.
One of my many therapists assured me that I would never become like my mother because I had "precognition" and like you I was ever watchful of not repeating the pattern. I will go to the ends of the earth for my daughter, always have, always will. But that said, unlike my parents, I also know how to give and receive love!
Thanks for working so hard to NOT be the parents you had. I have never been brave enough to have children, for several reasons, but mainly because I was determined not to turn into my mother and inflict on an innocent child what was inflicted on me.
On another topic, Nina, are there any chatrooms you know of for children of narcissistic parents? Sometimes, when I have had a particularly trying day with one of the N's in my family, it would be nice to have someone to talk to who gets what I'm up against. I have no idea where to begin to look for such a thing. Thanks.
Mulderfan,
If it's any comfort...in addition to the reassuring words of your therapist...I used to have long chats with the head nurse of my dad's former assisted living facility. She had formed a theory that, unless dementia developed or there was a stroke-which could alter temperament-that people entered old age with pretty much the same attitude they had when they were younger.
If they were mean to begin with...they'd become a little meaner...or a little more insecure...this was based on conversations with the adult kids of the residents. She said she never really heard that the parent had undergone some startling or major transformation in their personality, although sometimes, with women who'd been beautiful when younger who'd received lots of attention for their looks...seemed to have a harder time adjusting to the aging process.
On the upside...since we've had to be so flexible all our lives...we have that part of our characters - generally speaking - which should stand us well as the years march on!
Just Me,
That's really lovely to hear about your kids! It's a good reminder not to stereotype teenagers! I was mostly blessed, one of my kids went through a rebellious phase, but that's over and the whole thing was an incredible growth experience...for both of us (although mostly for me, I suspect)...we somehow managed to emerge closer.
Smooth sailing ahead with NC!
hohosmurf...
Hi...I vaguely remember there being something chatroomish around, maybe associated with Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.
I'll put up a post about this and ask readers if they know.
Nina,
Yes, there is a great forum on that website if you want to post about it. I've done alot of reading over there!
I put it down to education and the Internet (and libraries) and also greater access to groups/counsellors etc. If I didn't have these things, I would never have learned what was wrong with my family. I would never have researched it to learn what I could do about it. I would have remained ignorant and angry and passed it on whether to my colleagues, partner, children or a stranger on the bus. We're very lucky we live in the age that we do.
Thanks, Nina. I appreciate hearing how others have coped with a narcissistic parent, especially daughters who are learning to cope with narcissistic fathers.
I'm glad most people feel they have been successful at not passing on behaviour learned from parents, but has anyone read the poem "This Be The Verse" by Philip Larkin? It's fantastically simple and deep.
It led me to a book by Oliver James (clinical phsychologist) called "They F*** You Up...." for those who don't know, it's a line from the poem.
The point is the cycle continues. Even if you stop the horror of your upbringing, your interpretation of childhood events leaves it's mark in your parenting. Hopefully for the better-but not always!
I found it comforting somehow.
I can't forgive my n.parent, especially as the abuse is ongoing.
The fallout is the continual questioning and guilt that insidiously finds itself worming into my behaviour towards everyone, including my children.
The only way out is education, taking responsablity for my actions and talking.
I hope someone else finds humour and insight in both the book and poem!!
Thank you everyone for passing on experiences and encouragement.
I just had to 'pop in', and leave a comment today.
My daughter (in her 20's) just told me that no one can give her the advice and comfort that I can!!! That she always feels 50% better after discussing a problem with me!!
I can't tell you how this has made me feel.
Like everyone here the inner turmoil I carry wont let me enjoy life to the full, but her simple words cut through everything like a ray of sunshine.
I've not been the most perfect parent, and I tell this story here because there is nowhere else that it can be appreciated for what it truly means.
I sincerely hope today brings some sunshine into every ones life on this blog.
Thank you for being here.
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