If you've read some of my past posts, you'll know that I've always been "creeped out" by my narcissistic, childlike father. In fact, at one point, my therapist asked if I'd ever been sexually abused by him, so strong were (are) my feelings of revulsion.
When I was fifteen and a father-daughter dance loomed in the future, I spent an entire month dreading the prospect of having to slow dance with my father under a giant disco ball. Yuck. It was even yuckier and more disgusting than I'd allowed myself to imagine. After figuring out the whole narcissistic-parent thing, I decided that I felt this way because my father had managed to cross every boundary...etc., etc.
Recently, I spent an afternoon talking with a childhood friend of my now dead mother (self-absorbed, controlling). Let's call her Jane, a woman I greatly admire and respect. (Why couldn't someone like that have adopted me?)
We got to talking about my father. Jane always asks after my father's health, but I've always suspected she's never liked him much. Maybe because Jane is 80-something and not in great health herself, Jane admitted the reason she and my mother drifted apart for a long time: my father. Jane said she found my father, well, creepy in a way that was hard for her to describe. She said he insisted on being a part of their conversations and tried to monopolize their conversations. She said it was obvious he resented sharing his wife with her friends. She also said my mother's sisters and brothers-in-law didn't like him, either...and thought he was "weird."
Jane said she and other people felt very sorry for me having a father "like that."
I feel sorry for me, too.
But here's the thing. Jane gave me a gift. I'm not crazy nor was I crazy. There was something "off" about my father and other people noticed. Too bad nobody told me this sooner. It would have spared me a whole lotta grief and second-guessing myself. I thought I was evil and a bad, ungrateful daughter for harboring such feelings.
In fact, getting a second opinion on my father was so validating - such a big relief - I'm surprised it hadn't occurred to me before.
7 comments:
My daughters are currently experiencing this. I found your comment about "I decided that I felt this way because my father had managed to cross every boundary...etc., etc." to hit the nail squarely on the head.
Thank you for your blog.
Anonymous,
Poor daughters...there are a number of ways to feel violated and to have a parent who thrusts themselves across that line...is one. This aspect was discussed more in depth in an old post called Ewww...I feel violated. I was struck by how many commenters felt the same way!
The more I read, the more I hear my own stories in your blogs! I too am creeped out by my dad who has crossed so many boundaries with me that my therapist has asked me as well if I have been sexually abuse. I am pretty sure I haven't but that doesn't let my dad off scott free with his inappropriate remarks and behavior.
Unfortunately as an Army Brat, my parents have never been friends with anyone long enough for me to get validation of their craziness. They also cut both sides of our family out of our lives completely. But when I start to recount stories with safe friends who are relatively normal, they are so shocked by my parents behavior and the stuff they have put me through. As a result I no longer get the guilt for not taking care of them anymore nor do people question why I so severely cut them out of my life - even from my own brother.
For me, that is validation enough :)
Katgrrl,
I continue to be amazed by how many other adult children of narcissists who've stopped by here who've admitted to being creeped out by one of their parents! At first, it's hard to admit but once "it's out there"....it's such a huge relief!
Hey...it sounds like you have lovely, nonjudgmental friends! Unfortunately, some of mine are "legacy" friends who tend to be self-centered and, well, judgmental.
This is what people could do for children of n parents: tell them that not all mothers/fathers are like theirs.
Even if they didn't want to get too involved, it would at least plant a seed and start the child comparing to see what other kind of relationships are out there.
I wish someone had told me early on what was not normal about our family. I knew gut instinct that it was not, because it felt bad, but how was I to know what was wrong?
Nina, your blog is so informative. Thank you for speaking up. Good for your Mom's friend that she reached out to you. To bad she didn't do it sooner. I think people felt sorry for my Mom and me when I was growing up because my Dad was "weird" and "like that" too.
I think that when you are part of a deeply dysfunctional family it is often hard to lift your eyes above the chaos around you and see what's going on. You feel deeply uncomfortable but it's a normal feeling. It seems to take an great escalation of the crazy behaviour from your parents or a landmark even to shock you out of this blindness. This happened to me recently and no I can't think of my parents without feeling disgust. It's painful but it's liberating. Only one of my sisters is able to understand me, the other is a narc like my mother and father. This non narc sister is my salvation. We share our thoughts and our tears and together try to move on.
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